Authors: LeTeisha Newton
“You are speaking from experience?”
“Yes. Tatiana I am. Look, you know I am a man. At that, I am a black man.”
“What does that matter?”
“I am a
gay
black man who dresses like a woman. Tatiana, I’ve been spit on, beat, kicked, and even disowned by members of my family. I had to tell my father I was gay when I was just thirteen. A teacher caught me kissing a boy in the locker room. I was my father’s only son. His eldest. I was supposed to be hard. I was supposed to give him grandchildren. Pass on the legacy. Instead, I was a faggot who couldn’t get pussy if it was right in my face.”
“Coco, that was cruel.”
“Tell me about it. My mother was my mother. She always loved me. But she was a wife too. To save face in her house she tried to keep my “secret.” She hid it. But at night she’d come in my room and let me play with her makeup. She talked to me about relationships with men. Lord. My first conversation about anal sex was with her when I turned sixteen.”
“Mothers are always mothers.”
“Some aren’t though. I was lucky to get her. My father still won’t talk to me, and I don’t even care anymore. I had to learn to be tough in another way. I had to learn to love myself no matter what anyone said. I turned to drag. My Drag Mother, Fonda Kox of the House of Kox, took me in when no one else would accept me. When my friends turned their backs on me and when girls laughed at me for my makeup mistakes. That was my life. I grew up, found out how to be happy, and made a change. Coco LaMann was born and I haven’t used my real last name except on paperwork. When I am Aaron, I am simply Aaron. Unapologetic and uncaring what anyone says. Coco was my messy bun.”
Tatiana cupped Coco’s face gently in her hands, kissing her cheek softly before she whispered, “And you are perfect the way you are. God doesn’t make mistakes.”
Something Tatiana couldn’t quite place softened in her expression. “He does not. This means He made you perfect. This means you are the best you will ever be. Now, tell Coco what happened.”
In the face of what Coco told her, she couldn’t imagine not sharing her own secret. She couldn’t imagine looking in the face of such courage and buckling. She’d had sex at the wrong time. She couldn’t regret it. She loved Clyde and couldn’t apologize for it. Never for that. She wished it could be better. Wished it could be more. But she would hug the memory to her heart for the rest of her life. She knew it couldn’t last and it hurt her that it had to be that way, but things happen. For Coco though, for Aaron, who showed such strength, she’d show her scars. She’d share them when she nearly couldn’t bear to talk about it without crying. If Coco could survive, so could she.
“I fell in love with my boss. I’ve worked for him for three years. He’s a man’s man, you know, one of those guys other men wish they could be. He’s so sexy he makes me melt every time he walks by. His voice touches me in a way I never thought imaginable.”
“Why is he the wrong man?” Coco asked and turned Tatiana toward the mirror again and made her look into it. Tatiana looked at herself, tears swimming in her eyes before she continued.
“He doesn’t love me. His type is models. Reed-thin stylists with money and charisma I couldn’t compete with. Plus, they are usually the blonde kind.”
“I see. And?”
“And?”
“Come on, girl, I wasn’t born yesterday. We can love from afar and never cry the way you cried in my store. The way you’re crying now. Something happened. Take a good sip of that drink and then tell me the rest.”
“Damn, that tastes good. I had sex with him today,” she mumbled.
“What was that? I can’t hear you.”
“I had sex with him.”
“Good sex?”
“The best. Office sex. Rough, hot, sweaty sex, complete with different positions, oral, and the works. The man is fire.”
“But?” Coco prompted her, leaning her chin on Tatiana’s shoulder. “He didn’t say the magic words when you finished?”
“No. He said ‘we should’ve done it sooner’ and called me T.”
“Uh-oh. The friendly thing, huh?”
“Exactly. I think I may have entered the world of friends with benefits.”
“So what did you say?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“Well, I called him Mr. Mansil and then I left. Ran out of there. Next thing I know I was in your store.”
“Mansil. Mansil. I know that name. Wait. You have got to be shitting me. Clyde Mansil. As in millionaire Clyde Mansil, who was just on the cover of the
Times
?”
“Yeah,” Tatiana groaned, head lowering.
“Wow,” Coco whistled. “You set your sights up there, girl.”
“Exactly,” Tatiana pushed out of the bathroom and storming to her living room, glass in hand. Coco came after her, carrying the jug, now half-empty, of their drink. She topped Tatiana’s glass off before topping off her own.
“He doesn’t want a girl permanently. I knew this. I’ve been with him for three years. I’ve seen him change his girls like his underwear. I know what he likes and what he doesn’t when it comes to relationships. The shorter, the better. I knew it, and I still let him screw the hell out of me.”
“It’s a good way to go, baby.”
“Coco.”
“I know, I know. It hurts. I know. But, this doesn’t have to be the end of the story. You can get him if you want him.”
“Yeah, right.”
“Look, my mom always had this saying, and I’ve learned to live by it. She used to say ‘I may not be Miss America, but I can take Miss America’s man.’”
“Oh my God,” Tatiana said, laughing finally.
“You have to know my mom to know how very serious she was. Love is a wonderful thing. Don’t let it go without fighting for him. You are beautiful.”
“Did you look in that mirror with you standing beside me? Coco, Clyde would want you faster than me.”
“He didn’t sleep with me.”
“I was available.”
“Is that how low you hold yourself? Were you just available?”
“Well…”
“Well, nothing. If that were it, then he would have had you a long time ago. It takes time to fall in love. If that were all it was, you would have screwed him and moved on. It’s more than that. Don’t sell yourself short.”
“Again, did you look in the mirror?”
“Tatiana!” Aaron suddenly exclaimed. The voice change made Tatiana sit up a little straighter. “I don’t want to hear another damn thing about how nice Coco looks. It strokes the ego, child, it really does. But it’s starting to royally piss me off and you don’t want a switch pissed off, okay?”
“Switch?”
“A top and a bottom.”
“What?”
“Never mind. You just don’t want me pissed off okay. Coco is Coco, but she is also me, Aaron. You are Tatiana. Do you want the man or not?”
“Yes.”
“Then let me help you and stop hollering about Coco.”
“Got it. Um…”
“What?”
“Can Coco come back now?”
“Sure.” Coco laughed finally, smiling.
“Are you sure you don’t just have a split personality?”
“Nah. Doctors checked. I’m me, through and through. Sometimes it’s nice to play someone else. I can do that as Coco.”
“You did just explain that.”
“Yeah. So, are we getting your man or not?”
“Yes. Yes, I think I will.”
“Good, now stand up.”
“What?”
“God, you have got to be quicker on your feet. Does your cable have a music channel on it?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, change it to your favorite station and stand up.”
“What’s next?”
“Now we’re going to dance. For your man. For me. For life. For whatever we want tonight. This will wash away the tears. The rest we can tackle in the morning. Deal?”
“My friends would love you.”
“When we get your man, we can have a celebratory date together.”
“It’s a date.”
Chapter Four
Clyde had no idea what he was doing. The world was cool outside as he pulled up to his place at The Inn at Dos Brisas in Washington. He’d had a soft spot for the resort since the time it opened in 2004. Something about the over three hundred-acre resort spoke to him of Texas, its history, present, and future. It was where he came to think. To get away. To feel like a normal man, when others would have gone to the Hamptons or to Star Island to buy homes. No. He wanted to be near the land. Near his heart.
Something had been wrong with him and he needed it now more than ever.
Over the last few years, his appetites had grown. His needs had grown. Something in him seemed dissatisfied with every woman he touched. It should be a good thing. It should have been a great thing. He wasn’t husband material. He wasn’t a man to be tied down. He knew that. So did every woman he ever lain with, until Tatiana.
He felt a growl come up in his chest as he opened the door and slammed it behind him. Room service had already been in and a nice fire was brewing in his fireplace in the living room. Tatiana was something else entirely. Every time he was near her, he felt like he was getting ready to jump out of his skin at any moment. A man knew to stir clear of any woman who remotely did that to him.
She was bad news.
He’d tried. Lord knew he tried to take every woman he could get that didn’t remind him of her. Tried to take women who didn’t have mouth made to take his cock down to their throats and love doing it. To take women who didn’t have chocolate for eyes when he looked into them. He wanted to screw women whose breasts some doctor had made to be perfect and asses that he could plow into until he came. Not an ass that made him want to come the minute he saw it. Nor an ass that made him want to bite it, mark it as his forever. He’d always been an ass man. He wanted pale skin with pretty, pink lips that sucked him in with little work. Not dark skin surrounding a juicy pink core that sucked him dry and made him fight to keep from spilling. He wanted a woman who was nothing like his most recent obsession. Anything to destroy his want for a woman he couldn’t offer anything more than sex.
And that was the whole problem.
Tatiana wasn’t a woman made for sex. She was made to keep permanently. He could see it in her face. He could hear it in her voice. He wasn’t that man. He couldn’t be that man. In truth, he didn’t want to be. Commitment ruined men. He saw his father fall under his mother’s spell like a puppy dog. Whatever she wanted or needed, he’d had to provide.
When she’d died, all the light in the world had faded for him. From then on, even Clyde was a nuisance. A reminder of his mother that Igor Mansil was forced to see. Military school followed reform school. From there Clyde had served his country proudly before deciding business was where his heart was. At twenty-eight, relatively late by some standards, he’d started entry level. From there he’d learned the ropes and put enough money away until he could start his own company. And so Mansil Enterprises was born. At thirty-eight, he was a force to be reckoned with.
Tatiana never figured into any of that.
“Son of a bitch,” he muttered finally.
“Such bad language. I see reform school didn’t help you much.”
Clyde spun around and nearly fainted when he saw Igor Mansil step from the bathroom. Somehow, he didn’t look a day older than the last time Clyde had seen him, twenty years ago. His midnight hair was still long around his shoulders, framing a strong face with piercing blue eyes, the same Clyde had. German-born, Igor had escaped a divided Berlin and come to America with Clyde’s mother, Petra, shortly after they married. Clyde was surprised to see his father speaking in English.
“
Vater
,” Clyde acknowledged.
“Ah, you still speak your milk tongue.”
“Was ist das?”
he asked finally.
“It’s time for me to come back. You will need it.”
“You’ve been gone for twenty years. You left me right after
mutter
died. I needed you then. Not now.”
“Have you slept with her yet?”
“Who?”
“The woman you work with. Have you slept with her?”
Clyde felt chills ripple over his flesh. A growl pierced the air, startling Clyde until it ended in a whimper as he stumbled back. His body was on fire. Burning from the inside out as he watched his father. It was like something inside was trying desperately to break out of him. That
thing
wanted to crunch his father into dust. Drink his blood and revel in the feast for daring to speak of Tatiana like some worthless woman. To take any thought of her from another man’s mind.
“What the hell?” He gasped, pulling his tie from his throat and tossing his jacket away. He could feel sweat crawling down his flesh and even that didn’t cool him. “
Vater. Was ist das
?” he asked again. What is this?
“I thought I could save you from this. That if I sent you far enough away and tore you from as much contact as I could, you would never go through this. If I could keep her away, then you would be safe. I failed, and for that I am sorry.”
“What are you talking about? I need a hospital.” He coughed finally, dropping to the floor. He tore off his shirt, his skin feeling nearly too tight to stand. He kicked off his shoes, his toes feeling cramped.
“You don’t need a hospital. I felt very much the same. While I still can, let me talk to you,
sohn
. This woman is for you, as your mother was for me. She started this, and she will have to end it for you. Fight it. Fight it and maybe you will survive. Inside is a monster that will live with you for the rest of your days. If you let it take her, she will be infected with it and so too will your children. I should have put a bullet in my head when your mother died, but I had you. I knew you would go through this, and I could not see you left alone. And
he
loves you.
He
wants you safe. With this woman.
He
knows what that
thing
inside of you wants and wouldn’t let me harm you.”
“I can’t…I need a hospital. Please call…”
“A hospital will not save you. The minute you
gefickt
that woman and let your essence mix with her, you set this in motion. You gave in to her.”
“Tatiana did nothing…nothing at all to me.”