Hudson (20 page)

So I say the only thing I can. “I’ve told you that before.”

She pulls out of my arms. “Well, she told me again.” She spins back at me. “So there, I opened up. Are you happy?”

I’ve hurt her. Again. It’s not what I’d meant, but I’m torn. I’m helpless. “Alayna…”

But there’s nothing I can add to make this better. I’m drowning in my secrets, and I feel all of it coming to a head. If I can’t walk away, I have to tell her the truth. Every bit of it. Yet the words stick in my throat.

With tears smearing her face, she implores, “How could you not think I’d fall in love with you, Hudson? Even if you didn’t mean for it to happen, how could I not? Does that mean anything to you at all?”

I feel like she’s slapped me. “How can you ask that?” That she loves me means
everything
. It’s the reason I’m here with her now, floundering with no direction. Her love is the only beacon of hope I’ve encountered in my dark world. I cling to it. I hold it like a lifeline. “Of course, it does. But, Alayna,” always that but, “you don’t know that you’d still say that if you knew me.”

“I
do
know you.”

“Not everything.” Secrets push against my lips, begging to be released.

“Only because you haven’t let me in!”

I spread my arms out in frustration. “What is it you want to know? About what I did to other women? About Celia? I’m the reason she got pregnant, Alayna. Because I spent an entire summer making her fall in love with me when I felt nothing for her. For fun. For something to do.”

The words spill like the tears that still stain Alayna’s cheeks. With them, the pain and anguish that I didn’t feel then sprouts within me. The horror of what I did takes root. The disgust at my actions, the regret, the guilt—all of it overwhelms me with each syllable I pronounce. Yet I can’t stop them. “And then, when I’d completely broken her, she became destructive—sleeping around, partying, drugs. You name it, she did it. She didn’t even know who the father was.”

The last part is a lie, but I’m not about to implicate Jack right now. It’s not the point, anyway. The point is that it’s out there now, one of my biggest secrets. And while there’s relief in the admission, a blanket of uncertainty hangs in the air like a heavy mist that cloaks my vision. Before I could read Alayna so well, every expression, every thought that darted across her eyes. Now I see nothing. I’m certain this story turns her off, disgusts her—how can it not? But I can’t
see
it on her face.

She takes in a shuddering breath and wipes her eyes. “So you claimed it was yours.”

“Yes.” I narrow my eyes, studying her as she works through this.

“Because you felt responsible.” Her voice is even, void of any inflection.

“Yes. She lost the baby at three months. Likely from the drinking and drugs she’d consumed early on. She was devastated.” And I’m devastated now, as if the loss has just happened. There’s a familiarity in the pain, and I remember feeling a hint of this ache back then. I’d been convinced that Alayna had taught me sensation, but now I wonder, have these emotions always been inside me, locked away, waiting for someone to set them free?

“That’s awful,” Alayna says, and I leave my introspection, returning my focus to her. I still can’t read her, still can’t figure out what awful things she’s thinking behind those beautiful brown eyes.

“It’s awful,” she says again, her voice tinged with confusion, “but I don’t understand. You thought this would make me not love you…why?”

I fall onto the arm of the sofa, baffled by her lack of concern. “Because it changes everything. I did that. That’s who I am. It’s my past, and it’s very ugly.”

Finally, her face breaks, but it’s not disappointment that I see on her features—it’s compassion. She moves to me and settles her hands on my shoulders. “Do you think your ugly is any different than mine?”

Her touch, her words—they’re hard to bear. She’s making too light of my sins. They’re nothing like the things she’s done. “This isn’t like following someone around or calling too many times, Alayna.”

“It was an unforeseen tragedy, Hudson. A game that got out of hand. You didn’t set out for Celia to get pregnant and have a miscarriage. And you can’t diminish the things I’ve done to a simple statement like that either. I hurt people. Deeply. But that was before. Less than ideal pasts, remember? It doesn’t mean it defines our future. Or even our now.”

Her words reach deep inside me, through my skin, into my bones, and I
hear
her. Really hear her. She’s voicing an idea I’ve played with since I’ve met her. Can I—can
we
—break free of our pasts and step into the future unchained?

I let out the breath I’ve been holding and brush a tear from her eye. “When I’m with you, I almost believe that.”

“That just means you need to spend more time with me.”

That almost makes me laugh. “Is that what that means?” Maybe that is what it means. I entertain the idea with more sincerity than I have previously. Could I be with Alayna like this? For real? Put another way, could I ever find the strength to not be with her like this?

I slide my thumb down to caress her cheek. “Yesterday morning, when I got the phone call that required me to be in Cincinnati—I couldn’t even let myself look at you, sleeping in that bed. If I did, I wouldn’t have been able to leave.”

Her face lights up. “I thought you left because you were freaking out. Because of the love stuff.”

“I wasn’t freaking out.” Not about the love stuff. That I’d welcomed. “I was surprised, that’s all.”

“Surprised?”

“That that’s what we were feeling.” I hedge around an actual declaration. “That it was love.”

“It was,” she says with certainty. “It is.”

“Hmm.” I let her affirmation settle around me. This thing I’ve felt for Alayna began when I first met her, the first spark igniting at the moment I first saw her. Since then, it’s remained constant, growing and brightening, refusing to take a shape that I could identify, but always strengthening in intensity. Love, she calls it. It’s new. It’s amazing. “I never felt this before. I didn’t know.”

I sweep my hands down her sides to rest on her hips. “But, Alayna, I’ve never had a healthy romantic relationship. Every woman who’s loved me…” My throat clenches as I recall the pain I caused Celia and others who claimed they’d fallen for me. “I don’t want to break you too.”

“You’re not going to break me, Hudson.” She’s so sure. “I thought you might, at first. Turns out you make me better. And I think I do the same for you.”

“You do.” She’s the only thing that ever has.

“If you decide to not…follow through…with whatever this is that we have, it will hurt. But I won’t be broken.”

“But it would hurt?” I’m already committing to a new plan, one that hasn’t fully formulated in my head.

“Like a motherfucker.”

I don’t want to hurt her. It’s why I can’t admit everything to her, but it’s also why I can’t leave her. She’s confirmed it now. And while I fully realize that there will be pain at some point in our relationship, I decide that it’s not going to be right now. “Then we better follow through.”

It’s wrong, I’m sure. It’s definitely selfish because I want this more than anything.

I pull her closer, wrapping her in my arms, and say the words I came here to say. “Alayna, you’re fired. You can’t be my pretend girlfriend anymore.” Then I add the new ones that I’ve only just chosen in my mind. “Be my real girlfriend instead.”

Happiness flares in her eyes. “I kind of think I already am.”

“You are.”

“Can I still call you H?”

“Absolutely not.” That ridiculous nickname for me of hers. It’s somewhat endearing. I’ll never tell her that.

I kiss her then, sealing our new deal. It’s here, as I mold my lips to hers with tender passion, that my plan solidifies. I’ll love her like this, without words, but with my life. I’ll let her in as far as I can. I’ll commit to her completely. Her world will be mine. And I’ll do everything I can to protect her from being hurt, including hiding the one secret from my past that will hurt her more than any other—the one involving her.

All of this I tell her in my kiss.

She’s the one who pulls away, but only far enough to ask, “What now?”

I feel her trepidation. She has no idea all that I’m offering her, and I have a feeling it will take a while to make her understand. Soon, hopefully, she’ll be able to hear everything I tell her with my nonverbal cues.

For now, I’ll try to use my words. I smile slightly. “Come to my place after you finish here.”

“I’m not off until three.”

“I don’t care. I want you in my bed.” I want her in my life. I’ll move her into my penthouse as soon as she’ll let me. And more, when she’s ready.

“Then, yes.”

Am I moving too fast? I’m nearly thirty years old and feeling for the first time in my life. I think that by most standards I’m far behind the curve.

She helps me up, and I reluctantly let go of her to straighten my clothing. I miss her touch already, but it won’t be long until I see her again. My eyes catch sight of the furniture behind me—we just fucked there, and it only occurs to me now that it’s new. “Nice couch,” I say. Really nice couch.

She laughs. “Thanks.”

I study her, untangling her sex-mussed hair and straightening her dress. God, she’s amazing. She’s everything that I never knew I wanted. I’m addicted to her—she’s my drug and I can’t get enough of my fix. But she’s also just the opposite. She’s my cure. She’s a balm that eases and relieves me. She’s rehabilitation. She’s remedy. She’s reason.

I take her hands in mine, surprised to find that I’m not shaking. Inside, adrenaline is pumping, not with fear, but anticipation. “Tell Jordan to take you to The Bowery. He knows where it is.”

“Not the fuck pad?” Excitement sparks her voice.

“No. My home. I’ll leave a key with the doorman.”

She laces her fingers through mine and giggles. I love the sound. Almost as much as her words. “We’re really doing this, aren’t we? Moving forward.”

“We are.” I pull her into my arms, wanting her to know how completely I am doing this, hoping this embrace tells her.

Her mouth is at my ear, and she whispers, “I’m going to rock your world.” Then she sucks on my lobe.

I nip at her neck, already thinking about how we’ll christen my bed later tonight. “I can’t wait.”

“Neither can I.”

I leave her to her job and head home, a list forming in my head of all I need to prepare for her. She’ll need clothes and bathroom products. I have almost seven hours until she’ll arrive. That’s more than enough time for my assistant to make my home presentable for my girlfriend.

My girlfriend.

Mine.

Since I was born, I’ve had everything I could want. Money has bought me my every whim. I could never begin to fathom all that belongs to me, and still I know there’s never been anything as beautiful and special and precious as Alayna. And she is mine. As much as I am hers. I know I appear stoic and steady, but inside, I’m delirious and dizzy with this knowledge. How could I ever believe that my strength was in impassivity? This—this never-ending rush of love and joy and vitality—
this
is real power.

I’m not fooling myself—this won’t be easy. There will be obstacles. Celia. My mother. My past. Her past, even. But none of that feels as monumental as what’s going on inside of me. Alayna is reason enough to fight every foe and more.

So, while much of my night is filled with preparing for Alayna’s physical presence in my life, it’s also spent formulating a plan to protect our love. I’ll find a way around Celia. I’m the one who built her; I can surely outplay her.

And Alayna…I’ll keep my secret from her. Whatever it takes, whatever the cost. She’ll never know the betrayal that brought her into my life. For her sake, I’ll hide this truth. Only for her.

Chapter Seventeen

Before

Opening the door to the loft was tricky with my mouth lip-locked to the curvy brunette I’d brought home, but somehow I managed. Inside, I pressed her against the wall and held her hands above her head, my torso digging into hers, trying to find some comfort for my raging hard-on.

I licked her lower lip and pulled my head away. “Monica, I’d like to be a gentleman about this, but there’s just no polite way to tell you how much I’m going to make you come tonight.”

She gasped, and I leaned in to nibble on her ear. The moans elicited from the sharp nip of my teeth on her lobe made my cock pulse.

She gasped again, but this time it wasn’t quite as sexy. She pushed me away from her and with an angry look over my shoulder asked, “Who the fuck is she?”

It took me a second to follow her gaze. When I did, I had to fight against the smile that tried to crawl across my lips. “Celia. I didn’t realize you’d be over tonight.”

I was as surprised as Monica to see my guest. Good thing I was excellent at winging it.

“Yeah,” Celia said, feigning embarrassment. “I guess I should have called first.” She was dressed only in a white fluffy towel, her hair wrapped in a second towel on top of her head. Even without the blush that would add to the authenticity of the moment, her speech and gestures appeared genuine.

A small burst of pride spread through me. I was impressed.

“Hudson,” Monica said, reminding me she was still there—like I could forget with my dick still throbbing in my jeans. “Who the fuck is she?”

“She’s…” I ran a hand through my hair and looked from one woman to the other, as if searching for an explanation.

“I’m Celia. A friend.” She tugged her towel higher over her lithe body. “I’m really sorry to interrupt your date. I’ll just go get dressed. Excuse me.” She apologized again as she ran to my bedroom.

“Hudson?”

I took a deep breath, removing the delight from my expression, before turning back to my date.

“She’s no one, Monica. An old friend. I didn’t know she’d be here.”

I moved back in to kiss her again, but she turned her face from mine. “Why is she here then? Does she have a key?”

Her suspicion delighted me. The entire setup of the scheme with Celia was to make my latest “girlfriend” doubt my fidelity. The experiment was meant to examine how long the subject—Monica—would stay with me if given repeated evidence that I may not be faithful. This was the first time in our relationship I’d given Monica any cause for doubt. We’d only been seeing each other for a week. I hadn’t even fucked her yet, an activity that had been on the evening’s agenda.

Until Celia had shown up, anyway. Now I was even more interested in getting it on with Monica, because, though I hadn’t expected my partner in crime to show up on this particular night, the fact that our game was proving fruitful made me very happy. Turned me on.

“Yes, she does have a key.” I did my best to sound like I was ashamed of this admission. “But only because she stays here now and then. When she’s fighting with her boyfriend. I didn’t know she’d be here.” The excuse was made up on the fly since I hadn’t been given a chance to prepare for this scenario.

Monica’s eyes widened. “She’s naked, Hudson!”

“Obviously she didn’t know I’d be here either.” I pulled her into my arms, and leaned my forehead against hers. “Come on. I’ll make her sleep on the sofa. Or we can get a hotel room.”

She melted into my body, her hands resting on my forearms. “I can’t believe I’m even considering this.”

“Monica, come on. Stay. I want you to stay.” This was easy to say because it wasn’t a lie. I’d been looking forward to burying myself inside her since the moment we’d picked her out for our experiment two weeks before. I kissed down the side of her face. “You know you want to stay too.”

“I do want to, but I don’t know.”

God, she was so close to being convinced. I rocked my pelvis into hers as I descended upon her mouth for a kiss she couldn’t say no to.

But before my lips met hers, she pulled away. “No. I can’t. Maybe this is innocent like you say, but I think it’s a cue to take a step back.”

I dropped my head with an only slightly exaggerated sigh. “Okay. I understand.” I grabbed my cock through my pants. “I’m crazy hard for you right now though. I’m going to be thinking about you all night.”

“Good. I’ll be thinking about you too.”

I escorted her out to the hall with a mixture of satisfaction and disappointment. On the one hand, she was going to present quite a challenge. That was a thrill I was looking forward to. On the other hand, she was leaving me with an ugly case of blue balls.

While we waited for the elevator, she turned to me with doe eyes. “Call me?”

“Tomorrow.” I planned to call her, but I already knew it wouldn’t be the next day. I’d make her sweat first. It would plant more seeds of doubt. “Goodnight.” I kissed her seductively, letting her know what she was missing out on.

After, I put her on the elevator. I kept her gaze locked with mine until the doors closed.

Then I went back to my apartment to deal with Celia.

She was lounging on the couch when I returned, sipping a bottle of Diet Coke. She was dressed now, or more accurately, no longer in a towel but in my bathrobe. Her hair was also no longer wrapped up, and I saw it wasn’t even wet. I suspected she had underwear on under the robe as well.

“How did it go?” she asked.

“Considering that I’m hard as stone, I’d say not very well.” I adjusted myself as I walked to the bar to make myself a drink.

“But she still wants to see you again?”

My back was to her, but I could tell she was eager for a progress report. It was understandable, though I imagined she’d listened to a good portion of it from the bedroom and already knew what had happened. Plus, it was fun to taunt her, so I delayed answering.

“You don’t seem to care that you cock-blocked me,” I said instead as I poured myself two fingers of Scotch, a recent discovery of mine.

“I don’t. I care about whether she’ll see you again.”

I turned toward her and took a sip of my drink. “She’ll see me again.”

Her entire face lit up, and she clenched her fists in a sign of victory.

While I was also feeling triumphant, there was a bone to pick. “But what the fuck, Celia? It wasn’t in the plan for you to be here tonight.”

Celia had shaped into being a great component of the experiments I conducted. She made variety possible, and I’d studied many new emotions and situations since she’d joined me nearly three years before. But as long as we’d played together, I’d always been the driver. I dictated the parameters of our research. I wrote the script. Of course, there was always a fair amount of ad-lib required, but as much as could be controlled was. And it was controlled by me.

This had been the first time Celia had surprised me in our ploy. It had been a good move, but I wasn’t ready to tell her that. Wasn’t ready to concede any of my authority.

“It was awesome improv though, wasn’t it?” She already knew she’d played well, whether I was ready to say so or not. My reprimand did nothing to shake her confident grin.

“I’ll admit no such thing.” I played smug as I joined her on the couch.

She swatted at my shoulder with the back of her hand. “Come on, it was perfect. I’m supposed to make her jealous and suspicious, and trust me, old friend naked in boyfriend’s apartment is the perfect way to do that.”

I rested an arm on the back of the sofa and studied her. “You’re extremely happy about this.”

“And you’re not?”

“Do I need to remind you of the cock-block?”

She threw her head back in frustration. “Oh, my God. You and your dick. Go whack off in the shower. You’ll be fine.” Then she curled her legs up underneath her and leaned toward me, her eyes sweet yet demanding. “Now admit that I did good.”

I hesitated. Finally, reluctantly, I conceded. “You did good.” I took another sip from my drink, letting the burn of it relax me and melt away the desire to hold onto the reins. “Actually, you did really good, Celia. Nice job.”

She wrinkled up her nose in glee as she soaked up my approval. Her pure joy somehow made it easier to continue the acknowledgment.

“You’re a lot more flexible with the experiments than you used to be,” I said. “You’ve come a long way.” There’d been quite a few in the early days that we’d barely survived. I’d never realized how naturally that scheming came to me. How hard it was to teach someone else. Yet, even with the difficulties, Celia had been born for it.

“I’d hope I’m better. We’ve been doing this now for…what? Three years?” She rolled her soda bottle in between her hands as she spoke, like a stick she was trying to rub into fire. “It’s about time I finally got a Hudson compliment.”

She was nervous, and I suddenly realized how much my acclaim meant to her. Was this the first time she’d received it?

I finished my Scotch and set the glass down on the coffee table, then peered at her with narrowed eyes. “I’ve complimented you before. Haven’t I?”

She shook her head. “I’m not complaining. I haven’t deserved it.”

I shrugged half-heartedly. She’d made mistakes, but overall I’d been pleased with her as a partner. More than pleased. I’d also been glad for her company.

She pursed her lips now, as if thinking. “Remember that couple in your building? The newlyweds?”

I nodded. How could I forget? They’d been our first experiment together.

Celia dropped her bottle into her lap and propped her elbow on the back of the couch, leaning her face onto her hand. “I’d been so nervous when I first approached him. Tim was his name. I was supposed to drop that bag of groceries, remember? And see if he’d help me with it. That was all there was to the first contact. You’d coached me and coached me. I swear I stood in that alcove of the lobby watching him flick through his mail for, I don’t know, an eternity before I had the guts to go out there. Then dropping my bag was easy because I was shaking so hard.”

“But he noticed you. He helped you with the groceries.”

“He brushed my hand even. On purpose, I think. And it was only our first meeting.” Her eyes narrowed as she lost herself in the memory. “He kept staring at my cleavage, and I remember how amazing it felt to have his attention, but at the same time, I thought he was a bit of a smarmy asshole.” She laughed. “Obviously, I got over the smarmy asshole part.”

I chuckled. “Obviously.”

It had been a great study. Celia had seduced Tim, the husband, while I’d worked my charm on the wife. My subject had resisted me, deeply devoted to her marriage, but Celia had succeeded in getting her subject in bed. Repeatedly. They’d had an all-out affair. Even when the wife had found out, she still refused to sleep with me, though she’d shown more than once that she was attracted. It had not been what I’d hypothesized. More surprising was that she forgave him for his infidelity.

I’d filed the entire experience as another attestation to the detriment of love. Why the fuck would any sane person forgive a spouse for that kind of gross unfaithfulness? It was weakness. Devotion made people stupid. There was no doubt in my mind.

“I still get nervous the first time we start any new game.” She leaned back into the corner of the couch and bent her legs up in front of her, her bare feet perching on the edge of my thigh. “And this is the first time I’ve felt comfortable changing things up without talking to you first.”

“Well, we don’t need to make that a habit now.” I pulled one of her feet into my hands and started rubbing it.

“We’ll see how it goes, I guess.”

I tried not to let that bother me. Things would morph just fine, I told myself. Whether I was in control or not.

We settled into silence. I continued my massage as I thought about how we’d both changed in the last years. Through our games, we’d become comfortable with more than just improvising. We’d found an ease in our relationship as well. We frequently staged kisses and embraces without any residual sexual tension. The undercurrent of emotional pull that had once existed between us had dissolved into something less fraught, less physical, yet intimate. We shared a rapport with each other that we had with no one else. We were…close. Friends. Partners.

I dropped her foot in my lap, ready to move to the other. The first brushed against my crotch. Celia’s forehead rose. “Is that your dick?”

“I told you I was hard.” It was actually a semi now, but certainly not flaccid, and the reminder of my pent-up lust for Monica had me stiffening again.

“Still?” She poked at my bulge with her toe and waggled her brows. “I can do something about that if you want.”

“Are you serious?” The idea alone already had me softening. We’d become close, but the idea of taking things to a physical level still seemed wrong.

“Why not?” She flicked her tongue along her lower lip. It was meant to be sexy, and any other man would probably have taken it as such. Not me.

I had to look away. “Uh, thank you, but no.” I pushed her feet off my lap to further enunciate my lack of interest in what she was proposing.

“You’re such an asshole.” Her scowl was present in her voice. “You’re a total man-whore, but you won’t let me suck you off?”

“It would ruin our relationship.”

“Whatever.”

I studied her, trying to determine if she was pulling my leg. A side effect of knowing how well a person can pretend is that you don’t know when to question their sincerity. “Are you really serious about this?”

She shrugged. “I’m excited about how tonight went. It made me horny.”

“I get the excitement.” But I wasn’t having sex with Celia. “I’ll buy you a vibrator.”

“Fine.” She folded her arms over her chest. “I’m not really interested in sucking your hairy little prick anyway.”

I couldn’t decide if she was really fine with my refusal or if now she was pretending. Either way, I was happy for the lighter turn in the conversation. I kept going in that direction. “Little? Did you just call my dick little? Maybe you need to put your foot back here again.”

“No, no, no!” She screamed as I grabbed her foot, pretending to want to pull it back to my crotch.