Hush (Black Lotus #3) (5 page)

“The night I found you, you told me that Richard and my father were working together, using Bennett’s company as a cover for gun trafficking.”

“That’s what Richard told me,” she says.

“You also said that Richard was the one who killed my mum.”

She nods.

With my throat constricting as visions of my mum getting shot in the head flash in my memory, I speak on a strained voice, “I need to know why it happened.”

She holds my hand in hers, taking her time before she says anything. “He told me Cal was embezzling money into an offshore account. Richard said he wanted to teach your dad a lesson that would ensure his loyalty.”

“So my father knew what Richard was going to do?”

With a hard swallow and eyes full of pity, she nods. “He knew. It was why your dad left town. He didn’t want to be there when it happened.”

My breathing falters in unsteady breaths as rage explodes in volcanic measures inside my chest. Every muscle in my body indurates in tension, and I let go of Elizabeth’s hand for fear I’ll crack her delicate bones. I pop out of my chair and it topples over.

“That bastard has spent every day since her death blaming me,” I fume. The blades of each word slicing my tongue, filling me with the blood of putrid hate. “He made me believe it was my fault!”

“No matter how it happened, Declan, it wouldn’t have been your fault.”

I walk over to the window’s edge, grip my hands on the sill, and drop my head as I hunch over. It’s a battlefield of emotions, to which there is no victor. Outrage and fury fight alongside sadness and longing. I’ve mourned my mother the way no man should ever have to, but I did. I’ve allowed the pain to dwell in my heart, embittering it and giving it the power to grow into the man I am today. A man who can’t relinquish an ounce of control without being consumed with unsettling fear. God only knows who I’d be if it weren’t for this manifestation.

I flinch when I feel Elizabeth’s hand on my back. When I turn to look at her, her cheeks are tear-stained, and I wipe them away with my thumbs, asking, “Why are you crying?”

“Because . . . it hurts me to see you in pain.”

“I need you to see it though,” my voice breaks.

She then reaches her hands up to my face, pulls me to her, and kisses me. She swallows up my ragged breaths, pushing her body against mine, and I instantly grow hard. It’s a storm of emotions that begs to be released.

With a growl, I pick her up, and she gasps when I drop her to the couch. She watches intently, trembling as I unbuckle my belt.

“Don’t.”

“Don’t tell me no, Elizabeth,” I command.

She jolts up, lurching off the couch in a panic. “I can’t.”

There’s fear in her eyes as she backs away from me, heading towards the door, as if I’m some monster from her nightmares.

“Bullshit! You can, you just don’t want to.”

She continues to retreat, refusing to connect with me and it’s the last fucking stab to my heart I can take! I fucking love her, but she’s built this wall around herself to keep me away. It pisses the raging shit out of me, and I explode in a thunderous roar when I watch her leave the room, rejecting me.

“Just give me one motherfucking piece of you!” my scathing voice ruptures, reverberating off the walls.

HIS VIOLENT SCREAMS
echo through the house as I bolt down the stairs to the bedroom, scared that he will take what I’m terrified to give. Not that I don’t want to be close with him, but it’s the ramifications I’m not ready for. I shut the door, and try to calm myself down.

“What are you doing?”

I look up, relieved to have Pike here with me right now. “Where have you been?” I say breathlessly as I rush into his arms. “I’ve missed you.”

There’s never any temperature to his touch, but there’s pressure, and it’s enough to soothe.

“Just because you can’t see me doesn’t mean I’m not always here.”

“Don’t leave,” I beg of him. “Stay with me, just for a while.”

He strokes his hands through my hair, cradling me close, and I nuzzle my face against his chest. With a deep breath through my nose, I inhale his scent through the fibers of his shirt.

“I’m worried about you.”

An overwhelming neediness consumes me, and I finally let the tears fall that I’ve been holding in for days now. “I miss you so much, Pike,” I cry. “It only gets worse as time passes.”

“Is that why you’re not taking your meds?”

“I won’t ever say goodbye to you, Pike. Don’t even think about asking me to because it’ll never happen. I’m keeping you for always.”

“I want you to get better though.”

“You make me better. You always have.”

We walk over to the bed and slip in. I rest my head in the center of his chest as we lie together, and even though I’m in the arms of a dead man, I feel at home. For the first time since Declan found me with Richard, I feel at peace, in the arms of my brother. He continues to hold me as time passes and the sun sets, darkening the room.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why are you shutting Declan out after all you’ve been through to be with him?”

“You know why,” I tell him. “You know me better than anyone else does.”

“Why are you letting your fear win?”

“I’m not. I’m only protecting myself the way you taught me.”

“I taught you to protect yourself against people who hurt you. Declan’s not trying to hurt you, but you’re definitely hurting him.”

Sitting up, I look down to Pike and take in each and every feature, unable to look away.

“What is it? What do you want to say?”
he questions, reading my face and knowing I’m hiding something.

“You’ll think I’m crazy.”

He smiles, and it’s so perfect with the moon casting its glow down upon him.
“I already think you’re crazy, Elizabeth. But I’m crazy too. So, tell me what you’re thinking about.”

My mind drifts back through our life together. He was always there for me in ways no one else was, giving me what I needed to escape and numb.

“Just say it.”

“Take my pain away,” I request hesitantly.

He sits up, looking at me as if I’ve lost my mind by asking him for sex. Maybe I have, but I know what I need, and it’s him. He has the power to stop the world from spinning so out of control. If even for just a moment, I crave the reprieve.

“Please, Pike.” My voice, filled with so much pain and sadness, pleads as tears drip from my chin.

“I’m not real.”

“To me you are.”

“Elizabeth,”
he says cautiously and then repeats,
“I’m not real.”

“But I feel you,” I tell him, taking his hand in mine. “I can
feel
you.”

“It’s not real.”

“It is!”

He wraps his arms around me, and I cling to him—desperate for him.

“I’m not crazy. I feel this; I feel your arms holding me. Tell me you feel it too.”

“Elizabeth, no. We can’t.”

“Why not?”

Pike takes my arms in his hands and pushes back to look at me straight on.
“Because of Declan.”

“But he can’t give me what you can.”

“He can give you something better.”

“It’s too much though.”

“Trust him to know your limits. And trust me when I tell you that he loves you. He’ll take better care of you than I did—than I ever could.”

“You took perfect care of me.”

He takes my face, kissing me softly, and the selfish animal in me moves to wrap my arms around him as tight as I can to keep him close, but my arms slip right through him. My eyes pop open, and I’m all alone. He’s gone with a faint shift in the air, whispering,
“I’m never too far from you.”

“Pike!” I cry out, but it’s no use.

His scent slowly evaporates as Declan’s takes over, replacing the comfort of my past. I’m torn between this polar energy that pulls me from one end to the other—a tug of war. Pike is the easy choice, the safe choice, because with him, there’s no pain and no fear. Declan is a different story altogether though. He’s a multifaceted enigma with layers, creating an illimitable depth. If I immerse myself in him, I just might fall forever. But if his words are truth, he’ll catch me. It’s an unknown that’s so unsettling it’s terrifying.

With every gust of wind from outside, I dart my eyes around the room, hoping Pike comes back, but he doesn’t. Unable to sit still, I get out of bed and make my way to the restroom for a drink of water. After downing the tall glass, I set it down with a clink next to the orange prescription bottle. My mood stabilizer, my Pike killer. Shaking out a single pill, I screw the cap back on before walking into the toilet room and flicking it into the water with a tiny
plop
. I watch it disappear after I flush and feel appeased to know that with this deception, I’ve given another day of “life” to my brother.

Walking back into the bedroom, I notice the door opening and the shadow of Declan as he takes a step in and stops. The room, donned in black, is forgiving on my love’s face, casting a muted blue tone to his features. No words are spoken as we both stand and stare at each other while a tornado of words swirls between us.

My earlier conversation with Pike screams the loudest of all. And the possibility of him being right about Declan saws away at the scar tissue of my heart, filling me with sorrow for the way I’ve treated him. He deserves love, compassion, and obedience, all the things I’m frightened to hand over.

The lines of his face are hard, and when I see his jaw tick, he begins to walk toward me in even steps. My body tenses at the fervor he exudes. In sharp movements, he grabs my face and kisses me with icy control, stealing my breath and marking my tongue with his.

I gasp.

It’s desire.

It’s sadness.

It’s fear.

White-hot fear.

“I won’t allow you to be scared of me,” he demands when he pulls away.

Breaths hit hard for the both of us, my body trembling as I look into his dilated, lustful eyes.

“I let you build this wall between us because I thought you were too fragile for me to forbid it, but I forbid it now.”

His mouth crashes into mine before I can say anything, and he takes my hesitance, swallowing it into his soul, breathing a new life within me. But he leaves a little behind to linger. He leaves it for me to give willingly.

Releasing me from his hold, he steps back and sits in one of the chairs. In full command, he instructs, “Take your clothes off.”

The weight of my heart aches painfully in my chest, and the moment I drop my eyes, he takes notice.

“Look at me.”

With reluctance, I do.

“Keep your eyes on me.”

Every nerve ending is firing inside of me as I unbutton my top and drop it to the floor. I then move to slip my pants off, and watch as Declan grinds his teeth. My stomach turns in anxiety, not knowing what’s to come next, but I stand here and try with all I can to believe Pike when he says Declan won’t hurt me.

“All of it,” he presses as he sits in the night’s obscurity, shielding himself in its obsidian.

Cold air trills in goosebumps along my flesh as I unhook my bra and drop my panties to my ankles, exposing the tarnished veneer to my aberration. The bruises have faded, the lacerations are nearly healed scabs, but we both know the garbage I am. I’ve told him my past in full detail; he knows my life in the closet and in the basement, and yet he grows hard for me as he sits and examines.

He’s too good to be a monster like me, too good to be turned on by the grotesque.

“On the bed,” he orders. “Lie on your stomach.”

“No!” I blurt out at the humiliation that still remains from when he last took me from behind. Although my voice never screamed no, every part of my vitality did as he ripped me apart and violated me beyond boundaries I never thought I had.

“On the bed!” he shouts.

I turn and walk across the room as my eyes prick. Taking a hard swallow, I will the vulnerability away. My back stiffens as I cage my heart in self-preservation.

I can do this.

When I sit on the edge of the bed, he stands, his cock pushing against the fabric of his pants. He walks over to me, taking my knees in his hands and opening me up to stand between my legs.

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes.” I’m quick to answer, and he immediately shakes his head.

“I’ll punish you for lying, you know I will,” he threatens. “Let’s try this again. Do you trust me?”

With my neck craned back to look him in the eye, I give him the honesty he deserves. “No.”

Declan threads his fingers through my hair, fisting it in clumps, and I wince as it pulls through the scab that’s almost healed. The scab he gave me when he ripped my hair out. The scab I kept alive by picking when I thought I’d never have him again.

He keeps his forceful hands on my head, vowing, “I’m going to change that. Right now. Tonight. I won’t allow you to fall asleep until I’ve done so.”

His words strangle me.

I panic.

“Take my belt off.”

I hesitate.

“Now!”

My fingers fumble as I work quickly to unfasten his belt and pull the leather loose from the loops of his slacks. He then holds his palm open to me, and I hand it over to him.