“But I really want to make
love
to you.” Oh, what a pleading warble was lodged in his throat! “I've wanted to make love to you from the moment I first saw you.”
“But you don't understandâ”
“I understand what I feltâand what I feel!” Quite dramatic, he was. “I came up to you as soon as I saw you at our party. I knew! There were so manyâbut there was only you. There is only you!”
“But you don't understandâI've neverâI've neverâ”
“You're a virgin?”
Charlotte lay there, her lips parted in a stuporous way and her mind racing and racing before she finally let the damning admission out: “Yeah.”
“Well, I'll be really slow, then,” said Hoyt. A certain smile was on his face, the reassuring buck-up, won't-hurt-a-bit smile, not just of a physician but of a healer whose devotion to her well-beingâto her joyful flight through this trialâran deeper than the very oath of Hippocrates, “First, do no harm.”
“It's okay. Don't be scared. I've wanted this for so long. It'll feel good. I promise.”
That smile! The problem of protocol was overwhelming. What would it look like if she said noâ
now
? What would it look likeâafter letting him go
this far? Would it look likeâwas this what people do at a formal, the way Mimi said? Would he feel hurt, and after hurt, angry, and call her a teasing bitch? Did she dare become known as the teasing bitch who lets a guy get worked up, worked up, worked up, and lies there naked as a jaybird, legs parted, and then waves a finger and says no-no-no-oh? Ohmygod what would that look likeâwould that bury Charlotte Simmons for good? Dead in the ground at Dupont with Loser and Prude and Tease on her headstone? She, Charlotte Simmons, who could have had it all! He's so ardent! Wants to make
love
âhe loves me!â
:::::::A terrible undertow of the Doubts::::::
But I can't do this
:::::::
âbut, popping up again, her spirits said, Maybe he
does
love me! Maybe we'll be a couple after thisâwait'll Mimi and Bettinaâand Beverlyâhear about itâ
I'll
be the one with experienceâI'll no longer be the one who has to hop around like a mouse when people talk about all thisâ
::::::trying not to look at him::::::the condom, the ball-peen hammer ::::::the undertow again::::::the Doubts::::::more time::::::can't think spinning like this!::::::Look, Hoyt::::::just wait a second, okay?::::::::::
Before she could murmur “Look” or “Okay” or “Wait” or anything else, he thrust the ball-peen hammer right into herâand it went nowhere. He thrust again, with a grunt this time. Got nowhere. A wave of pain rose. Another thrust. Nowhere. “
Ehhhhhhuhhh.
” It hurt. He didn't stop for an instant. He was as earnest as a battering ram. He
thrust
and broke through. She let out a yelp of pain and, more than pain, surprise, and more than pain and surprise, insult. This big
thing
was
stuffed
into her innardsâher very
innards! â
and insult upon insult!â
movingâ
in, out, in, outâ
“Ow!” The insult, the insult!
Hoyt and the thing paused. “Are you okay?”
“Mmnnnnh,” she said, her eyes watering, wanting to say, “NO, IT'S NOT OKAY! THIS HURTS, THIS HURTS, THIS HURTS, THIS HURTS”âbut he kept moving in, out, in, out to THIS HURTS, THIS HURTS. Animal grunts, animal grunts. She looked at his face, blearily, her eyes were watering so.
His
eyes were closed. He was sweating, groaning, biting his lower lip. She
couldn't
tell him to stop, couldn't even tell him to slow down, because ⦠because that look of rapture on his face was what she wanted, was what she had wanted from the beginning, and what she did not want to go away. She was at this moment all that life could hold or mean for him. He was ⦠Charlotte Simmons's, down to the last molecule.
His pace started to quicken. Rut rut rut rut rut her body shook shook shook shook shook and bounced bounced bounced bounced bounced from his jolt jolt jolt jolt jolt his eyes tightened his face turned red and scrunched scrunched scrunched scrunched scrunched his teeth clenched clenched clenched clenched clenched from deep in his throat a grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt until finally he let out a loud, prolonged moan and slowly eased back off her, out of her, and lay there half on his side and half on top of her.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhh,”
he went, in a tone of immense satisfaction as he rolled over completely on his back. And then he said, “You okay?”
He wasn't looking at her. His face was aimed straight up at the ceiling, and his eyes were closed. No part of his body, not even a finger or an ankle, was any longer touching her.
His eyes were still aimed at the ceiling.
Now he would hold her in his arms, curl up next to her and, in the softest, most intimate of voices, thank her, tell her it was okay, that she made him happy, that what they had just done fulfilled a great yearning of his ⦠had brought alive for him what he had feared was an impossible dream â¦
Instead, he got up off the bed, went into the bathroom, and yelled out, “You need a towel?”
“No thanks,” she said in a trembling voice.
She was shaking inside. She didn't hurt anymore, but what had happened inside her? She needed him close to her. He would return to her, tell her something wonderful had just occurred, something neither of them would ever forget, something that made any temporary pain inconsequential. He would tell her that she had been a beautiful girl when they entered this room and now she was a beautiful
woman
.
Hoyt came out of the bathroom and, without looking at her, immediately set about putting on his boxer shorts. As he snapped the shorts closed at the waist, he suddenly raised his head and stared at her with a puzzled frown ⦠not at her face, however, but at her still naked loins.
“Shit, is that blood?”
Charlotte looked down and noticed that underneath her groin was a circle of blood droplets. She looked at Hoyt, but he didn't look at her. He seemed possessed by the droplets of blood.
“Sorry,” she said quietly. “What should I do?”
“I don't know, but if they want to make us fucking pay for it, they've got a big surprise coming.” He kept staring at it.
He picked his shirt up off the floor, his wad of a shirt, the one he had just wriggled out of, looked about for the T-shirt, found that on the floor at the foot of the bedâ
Why was he still standingâwhen he should be close to her? What was he doing getting dressed? Where did he think heâthey?âwere going to go?
She was stark-naked and very conscious of it. She pushed herself up, swung her legs over, and sat on the edge of the bed. She felt woozy, dizzyâvery dizzy nowâbilious. She leaned way over to lower her head and get more blood to her brain. The contortion sort of cramped her ⦠She brought her head back up. Hoyt, absorbed in buttoning all his buttons, pulling up his pants, and fastening his belt with the incongruously big buckle, didn't look at her once.
She wanted to do nothing so much as lie back down on the bed, on top of her own guilty, loathsome, inexcusable blood droplets, and sink through the mattress and the floor and vanish into the fourth dimension, the fifth dimension ⦠some dimension where no one would ever be tempted to search ⦠She felt so horrible. She realized that her body was still very drunk. All along she had known, consciously, that she had drunk an awful lot, but only now did she admit to herself that alcohol could ever make her, Charlotte Simmons, drunk â¦
this
drunk.
So horrible, so horribleâbut she couldn't just sit there slumped naked on the edge of the bed. Her pantiesâa wet, crumpled little mess at the foot of the bed, but what did it matter, the filth? She put her feet through them while still sitting, but she stood up to pull them over her hips. Her head felt so heavy, there was such pain deep behind her eyesâher brains had shifted. They were piled up against the right side of her skull. She was going to pass out! She sank back to sitting position on the bed and lowered her head between her knees again. She'd just have to endure the pain. Mustn't pass outâcertainly not like this.
There was a rap on the door. “Dude, you in there? Open up, I need the room!” It was Julian.
Afraid to stand up again, Charlotte reached over and grabbed her crumpled dress and her bra from where they were mashed against the headboard. She put on the bra and unfurled the dress this way and that, searching desperately for the hem so she could slip it over her head.
To her dismay, Hoyt, who now had on shirt and pants, shoes and socks, unlatched the door, opened it, and with a grand, sweeping gesture of welcome,
said, “Wuz'up, bro?” and ushered in Julian andâit wasn't Nicole but Gloria, I.P.'s date.
The two of them flicked the briefest of glances at Charlotte but didn't so much as nod to her. Charlotte was as mortified as she had ever been in her life. She had managed to squirm into the dress until it dropped down as far as her lap.
With a sly smile, Julian said to Hoyt, “Hope I didn't interrupt.”
“Not at all,” said Hoyt with a casual, ambiguous laugh. “We were doing some more shots. Want some?” He was already walking toward the bureau, where he poured himself a shot of vodka and then poured another, which he held out toward Julian. Gloria stood there erectly, chin up, shoulders back, chest thrust forward, an inchoate smile on her sensual lips. Hoyt swung his arm to hand Gloria the shot and gave her a little wink, just a here's-to-you, down-the-hatch wink, but a wink all the same. It began to register with Charlotte ⦠Other than the “we” in “We were just doing some more shots,” Hoyt had not acknowledged her existence since Julian and Gloria arrivedânot by word, not by gesture, not by so much as a roll of the eyes. She still sat on the edge of the bed, stunned by what was unfolding before her, unable to move. But then she felt tears rising in a flood, and she sprang from the bed and ran, literally ran, past the three of them, within inches of them in the narrow space between the foot of the beds and the front of the bureauâshe had no choiceâto reach the bathroom before she broke down completely and started sobbing in front of them. The last thing she heard before she shut the bathroom door was Julian saying, “O-kaaaaaay ⦔
The bathroom was a slop of sopping towels and washrags flung on the floor, over the edge of the tub, over the shower-curtain rod. Even with the door shut, she could hear Hoyt and Julian laughing about some girlâ
her!â
no, it was some girl with glitter on her dress ⦠and about how dumb Harrison's toast had been and how it was a good thing he could play lacrosse because “he can't speak on his feet for shit.” The beautiful dark lady, Gloria, was laughing and giggling along with every syllable of it.
Charlotte felt dirty and sore. She stepped out of her dress, her bra, and panties. She wet a washcloth and lathered it with soap and washed between her legs and washed some more and then washed again and repeated that and washed a few times moreâno sign of bloodâuntil she began feeling woozy. She was listing to the right. She had to do a quick little step to keep from keeling over. Her brain began to throb. She sat down, naked, on the toilet
lid, shivering ⦠and weeping ⦠heaving convulsively but determined not to make a sound ⦠and reveal how profoundly wounded she felt. After a while she made herself stand up. She stood before the mirror over the basin. She had to brace herself on the basin's countertop with both arms. This time she didn't appraise her body for a second. It was nothing but a weak, contemptible, corrupted piece of flesh. Her skin looked clammy and pale; sickly was the word. She was puffy and red about the eyes. Her entire brain felt inflamed. Her pulse was like a mallet. She saw double images of herself. Her hair was as disheveled as a dove's nest, but she wasn't about to go back out there and retrieve the canvas boat bag where her brush was. That would be another thing they could have a good time for themselves withâhow she came out of the bathroom barefooted, looking like an automobile wreck, to fetch ⦠her boat bag.
Well ⦠she couldn't stay locked up in here forever. She picked up her panties from where she had thrown them on the basin counter. Ohmygod they were disgusting ⦠sodden to the touch, which, it occurred to her with the oddly fond lash of self-flagellation, was only appropriate for what she had now reduced herself to. She had to sit down on the toilet lid again in order to put them on without passing out. She fondly indulged the self-abnegating clamminess of them, their formerly lubricious, now merely unsanitary, wetness. She lowered her head and sniffed a few times to make her self-abnegation complete. How very foul they smelled ⦠the sweat, the urine, the shit, the sheer filth, all the secretions that made them ⦠slimy. Yet she wasn't about to go back into that room without them. She snapped on the bra ⦠and slipped the red dress over her head ⦠No comb ⦠Her hair was wild ⦠mashed here ⦠sticking out tangled there. She ran her fingers through it to push it all back at least ⦠horrible ⦠She gave up, gave in, left the bathroom, and reentered the bedroom barefooted to surrender herself, totally, to humiliation.