I Am The Local Atheist (42 page)

“
Aren’t they just Egoists doing what Egoists do?”

“
Yes, absolutely, but if all individuals were Egoists, then
there would be no one individual who could take advantage of
another individual without first their consent, and with consent
comes complete and utter loss of empowerment. The only
individualism that is praised in our society is that of the
individual benefiting a group mentality – not doing it solely for
the self but for a larger entity; if this benefits the individual
then so be it, but if it doesn’t then it reduces the individual to
a player being used for the benefit, not of himself, but for
others. The Arts also praise originality and individualism, but
only then if it doesn’t offend – Callasandra’s painting was an apt
demonstration of that if ever there was one; but in the long run,
only History decides on the value of that individualism. Maybe in
other areas of life – Science, the Businesses, etcetera –
Individualism is becoming more valued, but to be an individual is
to make all decisions your own and not circumnavigatable through
someone else…”

Lucas was
ranting again. Probably the hardest fact that any atheist would
ever have to face is that if everyone was a Christian – in the
truest and non-hypocritical sense of the word – then peace surely
would reign on earth. Individualism is all good and true until it
ceases to take in consideration of others – that is the one holy
law that I had noticed the secular world cling to while they denied
all others: ‘Do unto others, what you would have them do unto you.’
And if Egoism, the way that Lucas described it, was adhered to,
then that is the one law that would forever be violated.

“…
so everything I do is a manifestation of myself, not something
I do for someone else. I would never do anything for God, the way
that other people through history have claimed the right to make
war by, nor anything for government, for family, or for any idea
that does not enhance my own uniqueness; everything I do, I do for
myself, because that is the only thing worth doing anything
for.”

“
But I have seen you helping children, involving yourself in
groups that do more for others than it does for you.”

“
If helping children enhances my uniqueness, then I will do it!
I do not care what happens to them, because what happens in their
lives is of no concern to me; the only thing I care about is having
a positive influence on my own soul – and I use the term ‘soul’
loosely, so don’t get the wrong idea. If filling children with
positivity has a positive influence on my soul then I will fill
them with as much positivity as possible. I do it because my ego
drives me to do it, not because of some ulterior motive that I keep
hidden from you, or some ideal that proclaims itself as the
ultimate truth. The only ultimate truth that you can be absolutely
sure of is that when all is taken away, all is swept aside, that
there is nothing.”

“
What if I said that I know that God exists? Then when all is
swept aside, God remains as God always has.”

“
Without God there is nothing – that is truth.”

“
Yes.”

“
So either God doesn’t exist and you are misplaced in your
belief, or God does exist and you are correct. But either way, when
you put that knowledge aside, there is nothing.”

The thought of
nothing scared me.

“
The thought of nothing scares some people David. But it’s not
really something you need to consider, other than realising that
nothing is where everything springs itself from. Even your god
sprung life from nothing – I’ve heard preachers actually say
that.”

That was
debatable. “Some people say God sprung life from his own
being.”

“
Well, I can’t argue that point because I don’t believe in God
full-stop. I don’t really believe that life sprung itself from
nothing anyway. I’m more inclined to think that the universe has
always existed and is a self-generating system.”

“
That doesn’t really make any sense, because everything has a
starting point, everything has to come from somewhere. Where did
the universe originate from?”

“
Where did God originate from?”

“
God has always been there.”

“
My self-generating universe has always been there.”

This was a
pointless argument.

“
It’s essentially a pointless argument David, ending with us
both proclaiming our own personal beliefs as justification; not
logic, nor reason, nor any believable proof for the opposing side
to go on.”

I threw the
poker down on the hearth in front of me. It banged against the
tiles bouncing into the grating with a loud clang. “Then what’s the
point?”

“
The point David?”

“
Yeah the fuckin’ point!”

“
There is no ‘point’ as you call it. There is only the life
that you choose to lead, the belief systems you choose to prescribe
to; that, essentially, is the only point there is. You come from
this background – I assume – that has led you to believe that you
need some reason for being alive, that everything in life is there
for a reason, but that idea only exists because of an overarching
belief. Take that belief away and there is nothing to live for
other than what you choose for yourself. I mean, you have this
belief that God will guide you, that it is his light that will help
you through life. Well David, I don’t need that so-called ‘light’
in my life, it means nothing to me. I am what I make of myself, not
what others make of me, not what some idea makes of me, even if
that idea is real and true. How more real is Christianity than,
say, Communism or Democracy? These are all ideas that expound
themselves as the truth, or the way to a better life. Yet the only
life that is better for me is the one that I choose for myself. No
idea or belief can do that for me.”

I believed what he said. I believed so strongly – Christianity
was the life I chose for myself, not because of anything other than
what it would do for
me
. Knowing that now, was such a relief because I no longer had
to see God in terms of ‘
Christianity:
the
religion
’ but simply as the great love of
my life that would always be there; but with Christianity I was now
able to live a lifestyle that would enhance me, and if I could
combine that lifestyle with others, then that would continue the
development of myself in the eyes of myself and only myself,
regardless of what anyone else might think.

I am a Christian – not
for
God, but purely for myself. “I guess my mistake
has been to think of my life as something that God chose, rather
than taking responsibility for my own actions. God may have a
future intended for me, may know all the outcomes, but I can’t deny
that living the way that I have for the last two years or so stem
purely from my own choices. Even if God has designed a path for me,
it is still my choice to tread that path.”

“
It has always been your choice – from the day that you became
aware of your actions having a consequence.”

“
Yeah but it was a mistake to pass the blame onto God for what
has happened in my life, or at least, for how I reacted to the
things that happened.”

Lucas
shrugged. “I don’t believe in mistakes.”

“
What?”

“
I don’t believe in mistakes – they are for people who regret
the life they have lived. Regrets decide a person’s fate as a
victim. Feel free to live as a victim if you choose David, but you
can never change the past. It is what it is and you can only learn
from it.” He casually flicked his cigarette so the ash fell out the
window. “Those who are mired in their religious beliefs want you to
believe in those mistakes as though they are your redeeming factor
when you bow down to the will of God and plead for his forgiveness.
But why should you bow down? It’s not like you meant to cause
anybody any harm – surely God in all his infinite wisdom already
realises this?”

“
Okay… I can accept what you’re saying from the perspective of
God understanding and knowing all, but if I made a mistake that was
so bad that I couldn’t view it any other way, then surely that is
worth me being sorry for.”

“
Why? We all make mistakes every day of our lives, but if you
bow down to those mistakes then they become the master of you and
you no longer have the free will to live your own life.”

“
But if the mistake hurts another person, why not be sorry for
it?”

“
Why not be sorry for every little discrepancy that you make
every day? It’s called being a slave. Mistakes are just one more
way for religions to throw their guilt trips on you.”

“
Forget about religion for a moment. What if the mistake was so
bad that you couldn’t forgive yourself for it.”

“
What are you going to do? Kill yourself over it? Think about
it David, believing in mistakes are what stop people from living. I
refuse to bow down to mistakes – they have no control over me.
Sure, I learn from them, but they don’t decide my fate for me.” He
took a long suck on the rest of his cigarette, burning it down to
the filter, and stamped it out on the windowsill, opening the
window and flicking his second dead butt into the bushes below.
“Fuck mistakes, man.”

I could see he
had a rather intense bitter streak burning inside him. Maybe all
his mistakes had actually got the better of him. My mistake was too
much though. Could even this Egoist, who sat there gazing out into
the world beyond his window, reconcile that belief with what I was
about to share?

“
Do you remember that girl who killed herself last
year?”

“
Ha! Yeah.” He stood up and grinned as though the story had
been a joke to him. “Imagine being the poor cunt whose car she hit!
I wonder if he sued her family for damages.”

“
It was my fault.”

“
What, that the guy happened to be there at that
time?”

“
I was the reason she jumped.” It was painful. It hurt so bad,
like a rusty bucket of water pushing and scraping up my throat
ready to pour all those tears straight out my mouth. “It was all my
fault. I was the reason she killed herself. She couldn’t stand the
conflict between how I lived my life and how her parents wanted her
to live hers. She just wanted to be free…” I had expected him to
say something but he just stood there, patiently hearing me out,
his expression getting blanker yet, strangely, more knowing as I
continued on; almost like he was looking right through me. “But
just being around me made her question everything and I completely
failed to see just how much of an anchor her parent’s beliefs were
to her, how she could no longer reconcile those with the reality of
the world around her. She wasn’t stupid, she was so intelligent.” I
stopped momentarily to clasp my head in my hands. “Those beliefs
were what kept her sane though, kept her from giving up on the
world the way the rest of us do – the way that I did. But for her
they were her umbilical chord, they connected her to a world that
she just couldn’t make any sense of without, and I took all of that
away from her leaving her helpless, unable to cope, unable to
accept the world that God had made for her.”

There was
silence but for occasional grunts of emotion trying to escape from
my body. I raised my head and looked at him.

His eyes
looked down and away from me.

He gulped, and
then turned his gaze back at me. He looked like he was about to
take back everything he just said – and I knew he would.

“
Well then, that’s a mistake that you made.”

“
Yeah, but it wasn’t on purpose.”

“
It sounds like you weren’t able to step out of the situation
when you knew you should have.”

“
It’s not that easy when you feel so connected and a part of
someone’s life.”

“
That’s true, but the fact that you couldn’t see the negative
impact you were having sure spells it out for me.”

“
You actually think that I made a
mistake
?”

“
Hey, you’ve defined it as a mistake yourself.” He shrugged his
shoulders. “So… yeah, I guess so.”

“
But doesn’t that contradict everything you just
said?”

He parted his
lips, clenched his teeth, rocked on the balls of his feet, and
taking a deep breath said: “Maybe it does”.

“
What happened to ‘there are no mistakes’?”

“
Look, I don’t know what you want me to say. I don’t make
mistakes, I just live my life. But it sounds to me like you fucked
up.”

I felt
horrified and sick. “How can you say that?”

“
Look mate, I don’t preach to people about how they
should
live their lives,
and I certainly don’t tell them what they should and shouldn’t
believe in.”

“
Well what the fuck have all these conversations been about
then?”

“
I never once told you that you should stop believing in God, I
never once told you that what you believed was fake unless that was
something that I believed myself as a personal opinion. You sit
there and still believe in God – I respect that and have no desire
to take that away from you. My only goal in our discussions – at
any time – was to help you understand more clearly
why
people believe the
things they do, and why they represent their own will and not
someone else’s. Your mistake is your own, not mine, not anyone
else’s so don’t ever bitch to me about it again okay?”