I Drink for a Reason (10 page)

But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I really
do
hate America. I mean, could all of these people who make these accusations be wrong? The odds are against it. They can’t
all
be wrong, could they? The answer is, of course, “No,” judging by their own criteria. They aren’t wrong. Ever. They have never
been wrong about anything. Not once! Not even once. They’ve “misspoken” several times where they’ve said one word but meant
something else entirely and weren’t even aware of it until it was pointed out later. Their words have been taken out of context.
And occasionally what they’ve said has been unfortunately “misinterpreted,” but that’s not really their fault. In the guise
of their public persona, they have never made a
genuine
apology or, having the valuable benefit of hindsight, changed their position about a polemic event unless it was cajoled
by some vague, begrudging idea of propriety. And if they’ve never felt the need to apologize or at the very least take responsibility
for those statements, then clearly, they must be right. I mean they have to be right… right? And their counterparts on the
left have categorically apologized for past incorrect facts and projections. I’ve heard or read the apologies, I know they
exist. So, if those who are
always
correct say that I hate America, and the people that are accused of hating America but say that they don’t
but
have admitted to being wrong about certain things, then, ipso facto, I must hate America!

Again, I didn’t think that I did hate America, but now that I know that it must be true, even though I don’t think it is,
it would be highly irresponsible of me, not to mention traitorous, to just sit back and do nothing. I need to explore what
this is all about. How did I come to hate America, and what can be done about it? At the very least I should identify the
ways that I am an immediate danger to the welfare of this country that I, and all of my family and friends, call home.

Okay, we are taught from a young age that
hate
is a strong word and shouldn’t be tossed around lazily. Since I learned this lesson I have tried to reserve the emotion of
hate for people like Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, Osama Bin Laden and his fine, fine lady, whoever she may be, or Bull Connor
and Timothy McVeigh or people like that. I may say that I “hate” Whoopie Goldberg, but I don’t really hate her, that’s just
exaggerated hyperbole to express how extremely annoying, unfunny, and sanctimonious I find her. Which is slightly ironic because
I have been accused of the same things I just accused her of, so one might think we’d be BFFs. But no, I fucking hate her
(not really
hate
, though).

So, with a better understanding of what hate really means (absolute revulsion, abhorrence,
extreme
dislike) and what it doesn’t mean (annoyance, frustration, displeasure, someone who’s career and reputation as a “funny”
woman is completely unjustified given the lack of a single funny, original thing ever being uttered), let’s explore my hatred
of America.

Let’s start here: From the deductions made from the above information, I know that when Anne Coulter, or Rush Limbaugh, or
Laura Ingraham and their millions upon millions of listeners who agree with them say that I, or my like-minded ilk, are traitorous,
it means that we are. This is irrefutable and thus closed to discussion. It is, in other words, a fact. This puts me in an
epic conundrum, for I would like to live here for the rest of my life and someday raise and eat a family here. Wait—just raise,
not eat. I live in New York City, which, to me, is the greatest city in the history of ever. I truly love it here and not
one day goes by that I don’t have occasion to reflect on this. But as we all know, New York City is in New York State. One
of the states that comprises the United States of… America! Great! Now what?!

It stands to reason that as someone who hates America (like Mohamed Atta, and the sixteen other Saudis who kamakazied planes
into the World Trade Center and Pentagon but not the one over Pennsylvania because that was shot down—sorry, Todd), my continued
presence here is a security risk. I don’t know how much of a risk, though. That should be left to the experts in National
Security Risk Assessment. Those experts being amongst others the aforementioned pundits and their brethren, Neal Boortz, Bill
O’Reilly, William Bennett, James Dobson, Michael Savage, etc. etc.

So freedom, liberty, and justice for all (coincidentally, the names of my three dogs) and I are at odds. Even if I say we
are not. Even if I think we are not. According to them, I would rather live in some theocracy with just one ruling class,
being bombarded by a 24-hour propaganda machine in place that effectively demeans dissent and marginalizes those who don’t
pray to the country’s approved god? Hey… wait a minute!!!

A
CCORDING TO THE
S
HEPARD
I
NSTITUTE IN
S
LILLFORTH
, N
EW
Mexico, as of this date there are over 2 trillion people in Heaven right now. Wow! That’s a lot of people! True fact: if
you laid 2 trillion people head to toe and then wrapped them all in foil, they would circle the earth upwards of tons of times.
The Shepard Institute received a grant for this study from a conservative “think” tank based in Washington, DC, that studies
new ways to pay for justifying its existence. They commissioned the study after a prior study, funded by the very same think
tank, showing that America is primarily a Judeo-Christian country (although not so much the Judeo part
^*
) who’s laws are founded upon those ideals. Now, let’s get back to the figure 2 trillion. This is based on a combination of
all denominations that believe in the existence of Heaven. This includes religions that have been in existence prior to AD
1 that may have believed in the concept, no matter how vague and undefined, of an eternal reward waiting for the followers
of said religions, after their mortal life on this earth was ended. For the purpose of this study, all heavens have been amalgamated
into one heaven, which must share at least these three basic tenets:

1. Heaven is a reward for those who live and abide by the basic ideals as stated by their respective religions regardless
   of direct contradiction of another’s religion, which will also see its followers going to the same heaven. In other words,
   if one was a member of say, the Church of Revenge, whose members were instructed to take the lives of doctors or nurses who
   perform or advise on abortions in order to win passage to Heaven, they would be in Heaven alongside Unitarians, who believe
   that one shouldn’t kill another human being under any circumstances but should only help and aide in distress, and thereby
   might, in turn, help another attain the aforementioned abortion.
   
2. Admission to Heaven is decided upon by an all-knowing supreme being of undetermined origin and physicality, who has complete
   knowledge of the entirety of one’s life actions, inner thoughts, and intent. This being also has the ability to contextualize
   each action and thought within time, place, situation, cultural understanding of one’s surroundings, one’s chemical makeup,
   physical well-being, as well as forces of nature without.
   
3. Heaven itself in its physical description is either so breathtaking and awe inspiring as to be literally beyond description
   by mere human language, or the exact opposite—able to be described by the following words or their foreign-language (i.e.,
   not English) counterparts:
   majestic, regal, royal, grand, stately, imposing, grandiose, magnificent, daunting, inspiring, remarkable,
   and
   extraordinary.
   Heaven must be said to be a place where “God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death,
   neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away” (Revelation 21:4).
   

It should be ascribed with physical traits in topography, geology, temperate climate systems, ecosystems, zoology, distribution
of attributable race, and basic geography that are familiar to humans depending on where they live and their immediate familiar
surroundings—i.e., a Baptist who grew up in a holler in the foothills of the Smoky Mountains without television or computers
would believe in a heaven much like the pristine woods he or she grew up in and know only of, while an inner-city Muslim who
grew up in Beirut might know of a much different, albeit as equally beautiful, heaven resembling the biblical Golan Heights.

With a 3% +/– margin of error, the heavens include, but are not limited to: Calvanists, Baptists, Protestants, Lutherans,
Methodists, Amish, Sumerians, Hittites, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Roman Catholics, Greek Orthodox, and Mormans. So basically a
Christian heaven. There are probably not too many Japanese or Chinese in Heaven. I mean, they came to it late in the game.
I wonder, is there a special section for racists in Heaven? I mean racist children that have never broken any of the Ten Commandments,
been good kids, accepted Jesus but died early only knowing what their racist family yelled. Do they have to hang out with
all the mud people in Heaven? Or is there a special South Boston Public Housing project just for them?

What if, according to the Catholic concept of Heaven, that due to such stringent rules and the impossibility of maintaining
purity in thought and deed, that only seven people were in Heaven, and they’re all bored now.

Mormons are my favorite religion, I think. Anybody who can convince millions of people that an angel appeared before him at
four different occasions throughout one night and told him that under a tree in Upstate NY there were some gold tablets that
ONLY HE could unearth and interpret (which would happen by looking into his hat, and then God would tell him what is what)
has got my vote for President of Fools (not to be confused with the pope, who is President of Scaredy Cats).

It’s my observation that religion, at its best, is a benign waste of time. At its worst, of course, it can slaughter thousands
and ruin generation after generation of lives—causing, through its unrivaled “tough love” stance, millions to take their own
lives due to an imposed unbearable shame. Count me in. Sounds like a fun bunch of fun. But religion is not supposed to be
“fun.” Or is it? Take a look at the cover of any
Watchtower
magazine that a Jehovah’s Witness may be lucky enough to throw away after they wake up from their insane delusion. Look at
it! That looks like plenty of fun! Standing on the back of a tiger while picking ripe fruit in a bucolic, pastoral setting
with a pretty Chinese lady and black man from Kenya while petting a lion! Awesome! What about the whirling Dervishes? The
Sufis who twirl around until they hyperventilate, which was a cheap way to get high before chemicals came along? Fun!! And
we’ve all seen
Fiddler on the Roof
and that scene at the end of
Schindler’s List
, too. Fun times.

But what about the little babies who died before getting cleansed of their sins, you might ask? What about their fun? Who’s
going to speak out for them? Try me! I’ll do it!

I
RECENTLY WAS STUCK IN THE
S
HREVEPORT
, L
OUISIANA
,
AIRPORT
suffering through numerous delays of my trip back to 2008 and
away
from Shreveport. I had exhausted nearly everything readable save for a back issue of
Yachting Monthly
magazine, which I had already committed to memory. Mitch Albom’s celebrated book
The Five People You Meet in Heaven
was the only thing left that I hadn’t read. So, even though I suspected that I wouldn’t care for it, I picked it up to read.
Twenty minutes later, when I had finished, I got to thinking. There’s Albom’s book, Gender Tripp’s
The Five People You Meet in Hell
(three of them are Dick Cheney), Dr. Pat Nunking’s
The Five People You Meet While Reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven
, Su Tsing’s
The Five Scented Candles You Will Enjoy in Heaven
, and Peter Mayhew’s
The Five Star Wars Fans You Will Meet in Hell
. But where was the book for all the babies that died before they could be baptized and know God’s sweet redemption from sins
they had not yet had the opportunity to commit? This hardly seemed fair. Where was Sean Hannity in this time of need? Is that
Roman Catholic too focused on promoting the legitimacy of sanctioned exorcists to ignore the plight of the innocent three-week-olds
who are living at the edge of hell? So, with the trillions of innocents floating around in space, I dedicate these lists to
them.

Rubeun Vandalhavenn, a Dutch architect who died in 1838 of lumbago. He is a bit of a dick.

Afshar Muhammed Timor from Kandahar. A tribal sheep herder from last week.

Jeannette Dunwoody, a housewife and mother of three from Cobb County, GA. She died in 1981 from complications arising from
a medical procedure to remove her eye fat.

Billy Preston. Yeah, that Billy Preston.

Grrk, a nomadic hunter and gatherer from 19,939 BC. Died of old age at 22 years. He is virtually useless but provides comic
relief while you wait to get into Heaven.

Tewilliger’s Fudge ’n’ Honey Crinkle Cakes. A sugary sweet taste of a seaside British yesteryear.

Tom’s of Maine All Natural Cinnamint Toothpaste. This is actually a snack for some people. Seriously.

Waltman’s cherry-covered overalls. A delicious pant.

Tom’s Bottom of the Barrel, Powder-Flavored ’Tato Chips.

Reiling’s Swiss Herbal Rocks ’n’ Dirty.

The ones that look like Laurel and Hardy

The ones that look like cows

The battery-operated grinders currently featured in
SkyWays
magazine