I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (4 page)
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Authors: The Betches
Nicegirls and insecure people bitch about the
Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show
because it makes them insanely jealous to see beautiful women being admired by the entire world. These girls are missing the point. Yes, VS models are the most beautiful women in the world, but it takes a combination of natural genetic gifts
and hard work
to stay that way. Look at Olympic athletes. Are there thousands of women bitching about not being the best cross-country skiers in the world? No, because we accept that there are some things we’re never going to be the best at. So do the same with your looks. Look at the models and actresses in Hollywood the same way. They are good at what they’re good at, and you’re good at what you’re good at. You’re probably smarter or funnier or chiller than them. (Probably.) Just because you’re not THE most beautiful person in the world does not mean you have to get down on hotties because of their hotness. Get over your insecurities, and accept that you are unique and bring a lot of shit to the table.
“Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.”
—Oscar Wilde
The reason we addressed the physical first is because most people think that their insecurities are entirely superficial. But in reality, even the most physical ones stem from your perception of yourself. No matter what you think your shortcoming is, whether it’s your weight, the awkward length of your arms, bad breath in the morning or scoliosis, figure out how to nip it in the bud. And by “bud” we mean “your loud brain” and by “nip” we mean “telling it to shut the fuck up.”
“My mom always used to say, ‘You can’t say I love you before you can say I.’ And I think that sort of makes sense.”
—wise betch Mindy Kaling
If you have like, real issues that are super dark, we highly suggest you go to a therapist. Not because you’re helpless, but because they’re super helpful. And maybe go to the kind that prescribes you shit. She’ll guide you through your problems and give you a little something for the “pain.” Win-win. But with many girls, their real issues stem from past relationships. And in order to get into a new one guess what you have to do? Get the fuck over it.
Betches Throughout History: Oprah Winfrey
Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
Born into deep poverty, Oprah Winfrey is now the richest self-made betch in America. Oprah has struggled with relationship issues her whole life and never got married because she has a long history of being with abusive men who made her feel insecure. CNN and
Time
have called her the “world’s most powerful woman,” yet Oprah has had to struggle with accepting herself after a childhood of sexual abuse. Which like, totally sucks. In an interview, she stated that she “needed everyone to like me because I didn’t like myself much. So I’d end up with these cruel, self-absorbed guys who’d tell me how selfish I was, and I’d say, ‘Oh thank you, you’re so right’ and be grateful to them. Because I had no sense that I deserved anything else.”
Oprah is a great example of how even the most talented and powerful betch has insecurities and how loving yourself can’t be bought. Thinking you’re the shit is a lifelong journey and even if you are literally one of the richest, most powerful people in the world, you can still fall prey to defining your worth based on the opinions of others if you don’t recognize your own inner greatness. You’re welcome for that history lesson.
He doesn’t have to be an actual ex-boyfriend to have fucked with your head. Whether you’ve just gotten out of a real relationship or a pseudo one, you still committed your thoughts to one person. And now that it’s over, your thoughts naturally must go elsewhere. Sure, you have an uncanny ability to talk at length about this season’s Essie colors or whether Kourtney and Scott’s love for one another is eternal, but your mind will eventually find its way back to the guy whom you couldn’t stop thinking about a week or even a month ago. But you have to stop thinking about him before you can let yourself start thinking about someone else (besides yourself, obviously).
“Power is being told you’re not loved and not being destroyed by it.”
—Madonna
If you had it easy and had actual closure to your relationship, all you really have to do is wait. Time, Netflix, and SoulCycle heal all wounds. Embrace them. Keep reminding yourself that your breakup was for the best and that even though life sucks right now, it will be so much better later on when your mind is clear of your ex and onto better things like the hot guy you’re hooking up with or the new Chanel bag your mom got you for Christmas.
The real way to get over someone you have been under for so long is to find ways to stop thinking about him. But when you do find your mind wandering into ex territory,
which typically happens when your phone dies or when the Brazilian-wax technician isn’t particularly talkative that day, just let yourself go there. Allow yourself to feel sad about the situation, that you miss him, you miss having a boyfriend, blah fucking blah. A little sadness is normal, lean into it for a few minutes.
THE BOYFRIEND MOURNING FORMULA
Dated under a year:
(The amount you liked him from a scale 0-5) x [0.5 (months you dated)] = weeks to get over him.
Example:
You fell out of love. So you’re basically over it. Zero multiplied by anything is zero. Congrats, Betch, you’re ready to move on.
Second Example:
You were together for 9 months, you loved him, and he broke your heart. 5x[.5(9)]=22.5 weeks, or 5–6 months. Remember this is a
maximum
. If you take longer than this, spare your friends the agony and seek professional help. Please.
One to three years:
You have six months to one year. You’re allowed one month to wallow in your own self-pity, but that’s it. Use the rest of this time of mourning to get back to your old self.
Over three years:
You have one year and that’s it. Okay MAYBE one and a half depending on the dramatic nature of the breakup. Just remember, Botox can’t stop your eggs from aging.
But don’t ever pity yourself. You are not hopeless; you will bounce back to your normal self. Allow yourself those few minutes of sadness, but then snap out of it. Remember that you don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. Don’t forget you’re a betch. Don’t make us look bad.
Eventually the sadness will subside and you’ll be able to think clearly. Make it a point
to go out when you would have typically stayed in with him. If you had a favorite restaurant at which you two always ate, go find an even better restaurant and make a fucking new memory with your besties. Fuck, we feel like sad pathetic losers even writing this. But it’s fine, because being depressed over a guy is a super pathetic sad and loser-y state to be in. Once you are able to look back and laugh at just how sad and pathetic you were during those long weeks or months (hopefully not years, time is the only thing you can’t ever get back) then congrats because you are so over it.
Other signs you are over it: Hearing his name and not getting a weird nauseating feeling in the pit of your stomach. Good sign. Seeing him in public without peeing your pants. Another good sign.
You may also be over it if you go on a date with someone and not once even think of your ex. But by date, we don’t mean a one-night stand. Sure, go out and have sex with a stranger, we don’t discourage it. But don’t assume that just because you fucked someone else, you’re through the mourning process. Fuck for yourself, don’t do it out of revenge or sadness. Because eventually the sex will end (probably too quickly) and you will go back to the rut from which you came (or more likely, didn’t come).
However, if you didn’t have closure to your relationship, that’s an entirely different fucked-up playing field. This guy either ghosted you or never really gave you a concise, believable answer as to why he ended things. When this happens you have to make your own closure, which is about as easy and exciting as a juice cleanse or having a conversation with
a cabdriver. Lucky for you, we have a handy guide for you to get over this loser.
The name of the game is Replay, Reconsider, and Repeat. (Yes, it’s a play on Lather, Rinse, and Repeat. Great observation, are you like a Mensa scholar?) Unless you’re dirty AF, the goal of a hair-shower (not to be confused with a body-shower, which you should do daily) is to get rid of the dirt and oils that have accumulated on your scalp and hair throughout the day(s). Now think of that dirt you’re removing like the guy you’re seeing. If you can get rid of him with just one rinse, congrats. But if you can’t, keep repeating, Betch. He’s bound to get out of your hair eventually.
Replay the relationship in your head. But instead of looking at it from your biased and slightly fantasized perspective, look at it from his. Don’t be too hard on yourself, but imagine what he was thinking during each conversation or situation that you think may have taken part in your relationship’s demise. When you were saying, “I’m having a birthday party Saturday, you should stop by if you want,” is it possible he heard, “I want you to meet all my friends and celebrate a life milestone with me, and I’m just tricking you into a relationship”?
Now that you’ve seen his perspective, it’s time to be realistic and reconsider the situation. Delve deeper into what the actual truth of each situation is. Only then will you uncover what was actually wrong with the relationship and your communication. Here, even though it hurts, try to be as real as you can. Maybe after some consideration you realized that you didn’t really know him, and he didn’t know you at all. You even asked your friends what they thought of him and they’re like,
What’s he look like again
? Perhaps you were obsessed with the idea of him and not actually him. You know that saying that goes “there’s your side, his side, and the truth”? Well the goal of this process is to see the truth. You’re not a forty-five-year-old alcoholic homemaker from the 1950s; you don’t need to lie to yourself.
Repeat this until you come to the inevitable conclusion that you two just weren’t right for each other and, more important, he wasn’t right for you. So whatever happened during whatever period of time you were dating eventually ends up irrelevant and you accept the fact that you don’t even need to hear his side of the story because your version is about one billion times more profound than any bullshit he will have to say.
You’re a betch, so you’re pretty fucking smart, or at least smart enough to figure out that guys are pretty fucking stupid. As long as your reasoning isn’t entirely delusional (again, lying to yourself isn’t cute and is instead marginally psychotic), then you’ll be able to get over him 100 percent of the time. Unless he like, died. Then take comfort in the fact that at least you weren’t dumped and like, see a real therapist.
What Would Karen Do?
The complete opposite. She will use this time to dwell on how perfect his jawline is while rereading every text conversation the two of them ever had. She will then google “how to hack into Snapchat’s database to recover selfies of ex-boyfriend.” After she sees Results Not Found, she will continue to talk about him until her friends kindly tell her to stop bitching about that bro, he was an asshole and never liked you. She will storm away, feeling offended and over it for about five minutes. When she gets home she’ll troll Tinder until she finds him, take a screenshot, send it to him and say,
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’VE MOVED ON SO FAST. DIDN’T I MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU!?!?
He will not respond. She’ll think,
he prob just didn’t get the text!
If getting over your ex isn’t an issue for you, but dating continues to be as unpleasant as sex with Jonah Hill, then you have to stop and consider another course of action. You don’t have to consider being a lesbian just yet; you just have to try to understand why what you’ve been doing isn’t working out.
Are you just meeting losers? Are you meeting rich hotties who won’t ask for a second date? If you feel as though you’re meeting losers you should consider looking somewhere else, like online. (Which we’ll get to in a later chapter.) If you can’t hook a second date, well then it’s possible you’re actually doing something wrong, which probably has a lot to do with your lack of confidence.
“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”
—
Steel Magnolias
Warning:
This might sound excruciatingly nauseating and about as painful as Ross Mathews’s voice.
In order to be ready to date others you must enjoy dating yourself.
Mull it over on your vomit break.
What we mean is that if being alone doesn’t make you happy then you need to immediately find the root to that unhappiness and lack of confidence and fucking fix it fast. Here’s our guide to happiness, LOLZ: