Authors: HT Pantu
I mumbled something wordless into the kiss as my hands came up to pull Trystan closer still, as I let my body melt in against him.
I was addicted to him and to the feelings he stirred in me.
With a grimace I pushed him off me and tried not to frown as I caught my breath.
This was stupid. I was exaggerating. Whatever this was between us was just regular lust.
And when he left me I’d be fine.
Trystan didn’t frown exactly as he leaned forward to press a quick chaste kiss against my lips. Even that sent little messenger bundles of sensation down through my body.
“Ah, I have a nine o’clock,” I muttered as I tried not to scowl at the worn carpet.
Several emotions flashed in quick succession across Trystan’s dark eyes, and it finished with annoyance.
“For fuck’s sake, Ide, did you fuck him? You said you would let me know, at least give me a fucking chance.”
He didn’t shout; in fact, he sounded more resigned than furious, but I felt irritation bristle inside me anyway.
I stared at him through hard, pale eyes.
The contorted tension Dan’s kiss had caused inside of me returned as I raised my hands to Trystan’s shoulders and firmly pressed him away from me. He stumbled a bit, but didn’t resist.
“Go to hell, Trystan,” I whispered and I sidestepped out of his embrace as he stared at me. Then with a last withering look, I turned and left his room.
It really fucking hurt to breathe. I could feel anger burning up inside of me as I took the stairs on autopilot.
What the hell had I expected to happen? Had I really been so fricking stupid as to think I could tell him a couple of stories and he would suddenly trust me? I was the idiot here for giving any weight to the shit that the guy had spouted these past few days. Given what he knew about me, trusting me would make him a moron.
And hadn’t letting myself be kissed by Dan just proved him right?
“Fuck….” I slid down the wall inside my bedroom door as it clicked shut behind me and dropped my forehead to rest against my knees.
Kissing Dan had felt bloody awful.
Trystan’s lips against mine had caused an explosion of relief and desire and something hot and frighteningly tender.
I pressed my fingertips to my head as I groaned. How the hell had I been so stupid? I knew better than this. This is what I knew was going to happen. This was what always happened.
So why did it hurt so fricking much?
I wondered absently who had won the sweepstakes.
And what my dad’s face would look like when he realized I’d messed up again.
And in the end, didn’t it just serve me right?
My phone buzzed and absently I pulled it out of my pocket. A dark and weary chuckle wove its way out of my chest as I answered the call.
“Jorja.”
“
What’re ye laughing for ye fricking idiot? I cannot believe ye dared to spout me all that shit on Friday and then went straight home and screwed it all up. Yer such a twat, Idrys.
”
“Nice to know I’ve got someone on my side.”
“
Fuck off, Ide. I am on yer side; the only fricking reason Trystan talks to me about ye is because all of his friends quite rightly think yer a complete fricking wanker and that he should steer well clear of ye. Unfortunately I’m related to ye, so I feel obliged not to be instantly dismissive.
”
My sister paused, clearly waiting for me to defend myself.
“
Come on, Ide, give me a fucking crumb, something t’ work wi’.
”
“I don’t need my fricking prude of a sister as a relationship coach.”
“
Oh… ye absolute arsehole. And yer such a contradictory twat, would ye prefer me to be like ye? But no, ye want me to be wi’ Theo, so ye think he’d like it if I spent my years at uni sleeping round do ye?
”
“Don’t pretend like yer saving yerself for him. Ye don’t even like him.”
“
Don’t ye fucking try and tell me what I’m doing, Idrys, or who I like.
”
“Well right back at ye, Jorja! I didn’t fricking sleep with Dan. Did either of ye feel like clarifying that before ye started judging me? No, ye both just asked the question and assumed the fricking answer, so fuck ye both.”
“
Oh—my—fucking—God! Why the hell did ye not just
tell
him that, ye complete and utter moron!
” My sister was shouting at me down the phone, and she sounded completely exasperated.
“What’s the point, Jorja?” My tone was dismissive, and it was taking all my self-control not to just hang up on her. “Because eventually it probably will be true, and because of that he’s never going to trust me, and I just can’t be arsed.”
“
Ide, ye—
”
“No, Jorja,” I interrupted softly. “Just leave it, all right? I’m sorry for calling ye a prude, but seriously, I don’t want or
need
yer help. This thing between me and Trys was going one way only, we both knew it; it’s just gone that way faster than we expected, is all. So just… I’m not going to tell ye not to talk to him. But stay out of this, understand?”
“
Yer such a fucking head case, Idrys.
” But her words were followed by a resigned sigh. “
Just don’t leave it four months again, eh?
”
“Sure thing.”
“
Love ye, Ide.
”
“And ye.” I hung up. I dropped my head back down over my knees and breathed slowly.
Now everything could go back to normal.
N
ORMAL
WAS
kind of boring. It entailed me waking up in my own bed on Monday morning. I stared at the ceiling while I floated in that innocent moment between waking and sleeping where certain facts elude you, and thought that it was kind of cold.
Then I remembered that I wouldn’t be sharing my bed with possessive southern men anymore.
And life ticked on by as usual.
It really wasn’t an exciting day. I walked past Trystan’s locked door to go to the kitchen to get my breakfast, and I walked right by it to go upstairs again. I passed it on my way out of the house to lectures, and I walked straight by it when I got in again that afternoon. He was at work anyway, so I had no reason to be bothered by a rectangle of wood.
I had an essay to write for next week that I should’ve probably got on with, but instead I lay on my bed and stared at an episode of
Top Gear
on iPlayer.
My phone went and I gave a weary shake of my head when I saw the unknown number.
“Hello?” I answered simply, because even though it was almost certainly a modeling job I didn’t want, I had learned my lesson about answering with a rant.
“
Idrys? It’s Meredith.
”
Well that was a surprise, although I wasn’t sure whether it was a good one or not. It was, after all, still a modeling job. After James I had told my agency I didn’t want anything at the moment, even Meredith’s well-paying shoots, and despite feeling better, I’d not got around to telling them that I was happy to take work again. I hit pause on my laptop and dropped to sit on the floor propped up on the side of my bed.
“Hi, Meredith, how’d ye get my number?”
“
Ah, well, I asked your dad for it.
”
I gave a roll of my eyes. “Of course ye did. Speaking of which, I cannot believe ye sent him pictures of me and Trystan. I’ve told ye to check wi’ me before ye send him anything.”
“
I know, but you were out of contact and the agency wouldn’t give me an e-mail or number or anything so I just went with it. They were cute.
”
“Yeah, well.” I kept my tone droll and tried not to think too hard about the subject of our conversation or the anxious pain thinking about him caused in my chest. “Trystan is the not-out-of-the-closet son of one of my dad’s oldest friends….”
“
Ooh, okay. Crap.
” She had the decency to sound sincere at least. “
Sorry about that.
”
“Hmm, it’s done now, just check next time, yeah?”
“
Yes, sorry again, Idrys. Next time, you say? Does this mean you’re going to start working again? I’m sorry to be pushy, but I have this job coming up that I just
know
you would be perfect for, and I don’t want to book anyone else before making certain that you cannot be persuaded to do it.
”
I laughed lightly down the phone that this was Meredith’s idea of trying not to be pushy.
“
I can offer you a little more money?
”
“No, Meredith, it’s fine, I don’t need any more money. I didn’t stop because of that.”
“
Well, yes, you sounded… never mind, I’m glad you’re well again now. When are you free?
”
“All my weekends are okay up ’til Christmas.”
“
Fabulous, I’ll call your agency and organize it through them anyway.
” She gave a relieved sigh down the phone, and I wondered, not for the first time, why she put up with me. “
And shall you be bringing along the lovely Trystan? He did make your eyes sparkle something wonderful.
” She sounded happy and mischievous, and I remembered Trystan saying she had worked out that he liked me. Then again, I also remembered him saying he would trust me.
I forced my chest to expand and pull the stifling air into the bottom of my lungs.
“No sparkling there anymore, sorry, Meredith.”
“
Oh, what a shame.
” She did sound genuinely surprised and just a little sad, and I wondered why when she had met Trystan all of twice. “
You were lovely together.
”
“I’m sure ye can find someone else with his coloring.”
“
Of course. Well, I’ll be off. See you soon, Idrys.
”
I smiled absently at the phone in my hand, lost in my thoughts and the churning of my stomach. I should get up and start
Top Gear
again or begin work on that essay. Instead, I sat on the floor and stared at the blank screen of my phone.
My head twisted round of its own accord as the handle to my room went.
I don’t really know who I expected, because there was only one person who wouldn’t knock. Still, I stared at him blankly as Trystan appeared in the doorway.
Why couldn’t I remember to just lock the damn thing?
I let my head loll back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling as my mind was flooded with a thousand thoughts that it couldn’t sort through because my heart rate felt like it had just plunged and skyrocketed at the same time, and the whole thing left me feeling suddenly exhausted.
“What d’ye want, Trys? Have ye come for all the juicy details, like the old days?” I kept my voice low and my eyes fixed on his, and I was well aware that what I was saying made it sound like something had actually happened. I twisted my head so I could fix him with a mocking smile, but he just continued to stare down at me.
“We went to a bar.” Nonchalance was surprisingly easy to feign. I held him in my gaze, and an elaborate lie danced on the end of my tongue. I would tell him that we had a drink, that I had gone back to Dan’s, that I had fucked him in the doorway to his house. The lie would be easy, because it wasn’t like I didn’t have memories of doing exactly that to work from.
But I stared at him. And the lie wouldn’t come out.
“Yer such a tosser,” I said instead, and my tone was harsh but weary. “I went there to tell him about us, ye know. But I
didn’t
because I was pissed at ye for
doubting
me, and because Dan is my friend and I didn’t want t’ hurt him. And he kissed me. I didn’t let him, but I didn’t stop him either, and I hated it.” I was angry at him for doubting me and with myself for even letting myself get to the point where I cared.
“That enough for ye? Or would ye like a blow by blow of our conversation too? Or maybe ye would only be happy if ye could check my ass…. But of course it’s a bit late and there’s no way to tell if
I’ve
fucked
him
, so I guess yer screwed.”
Trystan was scowling at me, his frown getting deeper with every word that came from my lips.
With a final grimace, he stepped through into the room and pressed the door closed behind him. I watched him as he came round the edge of the bed and dropped into a squat in front of me.
“I’m sorry,” he said simply as he held my gaze in his.
I just stared back at him, and he gave a weary sigh and ran a hand back through his dark hair.
“Fuck, Ide, I’m sorry, but…. I mean there’s no excuse. I really am trying to trust you…. I
do
trust you.” His gaze flicked back to mine, and then he dropped his forehead to rest against my bent knees.
“If you tell me you haven’t done anything, then I believe you,” he muttered quietly. “I don’t want to just give you some lame excuses, but I’m a possessive guy, Ide.
“When you told me you were going to see him, it wasn’t that I didn’t trust you, but rather I was
jealous
that he’d get to spend time with you when we’d had so little over the weekend. And it annoyed me that I seem to want you more than you want me: you hardly bat an eyelid this weekend at your parents, while I could hardly stop myself from pushing you down and fucking you against every wall we saw regardless of who was there.” He gave a wry little chuckle that held no amusement. “Plus I was—
am
—
seriously freaking out about bottoming for you. And when you shut me down…
fuck
, you’ve never shut me down, Ide, not here, not for no reason. I just… my head short-circuited and my mouth opened and that shit came out.”
I stared at the top of Trystan’s head where its faint pressure rested against my knee.
He lifted his face, finally meeting my gaze with his. He held it for a moment and gave a small sigh when his search found nothing but me staring blankly back. He shifted away from me. And he was getting back to his feet before I’d had a chance to pull the frown from my face or get the words out that I needed to say. And he was walking toward the door, his shoulders slightly bowed.