“Do you have antibiotics in hell? Cuz it looks like you need a whole shit load.”
Aunt Sophie’s tailed flicked out, cracking me across the shoulders and throwing me into a boulder.
Owie! Goddamn, that smarted a bit. I pulled myself upright.
“You’re insolence will no longer be tolerated.”
“Sorry, no need to get all menopausal on me.”
Her tail whipped out again and the next thing I knew I was smacking face first into another boulder.
Who knew there were so many rocks in hell? I swiped at the blood running from my nose. “I said I was sorry, I just figured you don’t have any mirrors in hell and you’d want to do something about your pitiful face.”
Sophie let out a roar and charged me.
I bolted and yelled over my shoulder, “At least you don’t have to worry about all those wrinkles anymore.”
“Quit provoking her,” Granny Annabel whispered in my head.
I whispered back, “I figured if I get her mad enough she might do something stupid.”
“Like kill you?”
“Good point.”
“You must get to the sword.”
“Sword? What sword? I don’t see any swords.”
“The sword in the wall.”
I glanced around wildly. “Where?”
“To your left.”
Geeze Louise there was a sword buried in the wall. Silver light pulsed and danced around the hilt.
“Who would have thunk it? Oh wait! King Arthur!”
“Quickly, you must claim Excalibur before she kills you.”
Say what? “I think I’ve been hit in the head way too many times because it sure sounded like you said Excalibur.”
“I did.”
“Huh? Okey-dokey. Just checking.” Go figure.
Excalibur in hell not Avalon? What were the chances of that happening?
Granny snapped, “Focus!”
“Hey, no need to yell. The trip to this dimension has left me a bit muzzy headed and kinda freaked out.”
“Do you wish to spend eternity in this place?”
“God, no.”
“Then get it together or you will.”
I took in the stony, eternally flat otherness dotted with monuments to the dead and the cold fist of reality shattered my daze. I could die in this place.
“You ruined everything,” Aunt Sophie screamed behind me. A loud crack sounded.
I did a fast tuck and roll and Sophie’s tail missed me by a scant inch.
Ducking behind a convenient boulder, I yelled, “News flash you psychotic bitch, I’m not dying so you can become some big mucky muck in the demon world.”
“You ruined everything,” she screamed again.
“Everything!
“Gee, I think my give a damn button is busted.”
“I signed a covenant to deliver you to Asmoday.
A covenant! Do you know what that means?”
“You shouldn’t sign a contract when you can’t deliver the goods?”
“Oh I delivered a virgin but Asmoday was not pleased with the old nun. She died too quickly.”
“You are one sick bitch.”
“It is my duty to fulfill my master’s need.”
“And it’s my duty to kill you.”
Aunt Sophie’s babbled on insanely, “You destroyed everything I’ve been working for. All you had to do was remain a virgin. How hard was that?
It’s not like men were beating down your door.
Once Asmoday devoured your untainted soul, he promised me I would rule at his side.”
“What are you, stupid? Demons don’t keep their promises.”
“He would have,” Aunt Sophie screamed. “Now all he promises is endless suffering.”
“That’s why they call it hell,” I muttered and darted behind a stone statue of a knight in medieval armor. Wow, the workmanship was incredible. I looked around. There must be dozens of them. Lifelike, frozen in mid-stride, weapons held ready and their faces.
Holy Mother of God their faces. I had never seen such utter terror and their mouths were forever frozen in agonized screams.
Aunt Sophie hissed nearby. “Do you like Asmoday’s shrine to human foolishness?”
“Or maybe it’s a shrine to human bravery,” I answered, ducking behind another knight.
My aunt slid between two statues and a forked tongue flicked from her ruined mouth as if testing the air.
Oh crap! Before I could move, her tail suddenly slashed across my back, sending me tumbling head over heels into the wall. Dazed, I sucked in a painful breath and struggled to my feet. Thank God for Derek’s vest or that blow would have cut me in half.
I wobbled unsteadily and grabbed a hold of the sword for balance. I looked down. Oh ick! I was
standing on a human skeleton wearing armor. A sword was still clutched in one bony hand.
Dear God, the entire floor was covered with armored clad skeletal warriors. My jaw tightened with determination. I would not die in this place.
Excalibur pulsed brightly beneath my hand and power surged up my arm. Yikes. I tried to yank my hand away but it was locked around the hilt. A healing energy filled my body and suddenly I felt great.
“My master has found another use for you,”
Aunt Sophie raved madly. “I’m not allowed to kill you just yet, but I will. I most assuredly will.”
Buzzed on power, I slid the sword out of the wall and turned to face my psychotic aunt.
She gaped at me. “Only the pure of heart can wield Excalibur.”
“And your point is?”
“You’re a slut.”
I held up my left hand. “Hey, I married the man I slept with. Not like some people I know who will fuck anything. Be it man, woman or demon. Ya know, I’m kinda curious, does Asmoday have a penis or just a really big tongue?”
“You will find out soon enough.”
“No, I won’t.” I swung Excalibur in intricate dance of cuts and parries. “Cuz, I’m gonna cut his fucking head off.”
A croaking little laugh broke from Aunt Sophie.
“Do you think that pathetic sword will save you?”
“Pretty much. Uncle Aldo insisted that we all have combat training and if I say so myself, I’m pretty good with a sword.”
“Shall we put that to a test?” Her tail whipped towards me.
My training kicked in and with one swing of the magical blade, I severed it. I flinched as hot yellow-green blood sprayed over me. Oh ick!
My aunt’s shrieks of agonized fury reverberated off the cavern walls.
I back away slowly. Was she getting bigger? Oh hell, she was.
“Now you die.”
“I thought Asmoday needed me alive?”
Aunt Sophie hissed like an angry cat. “I’ve die a thousand deaths, what’s one more.” She drew herself up and pointed one ravaged hand at the grotesque graveyard. “Quod mox ut potuero, succinte transferam!”
The skeletal warriors rose to their feet and charged towards me with swords raised.
Holy crap!
In my head Granny Annabel whispered, “Dominus unus morsellus.”
I repeated her chant, “Dominus unus morsellus.”
Blue fire shot from Excalibur, hitting the first three warriors. A strange whooping wail escaped from them as they crumbled to dust.
“Their souls are now free.”
Their joy rolled over me with an almost orgasmic intensity . Wow! What a high. Then it hit me. This is was what I was meant to do. What I had been training for my entire life. I was a demon slayer just like Granny Annabel and my mother.
“Let’s free the rest of them.”
A shadow loomed behind me. I spun, ducked another warrior’s attempt to decapitate me.
Jaws clacking madly it swung at me again.
I blocked the blow, kicked it in the chest, knocking it back into the path of two other warriors. Like dominoes, they all toppled to the ground.
Blinding blue flames shot from Excalibur.
The instant it touched the skeletal warriors they turned into dust.
The remaining warriors encircled me. I deflected a sword thrust, parried another and ducked a third.
Aunt Sophie cackled madly. “There are too many for you to fight and they are going to chop you into tiny little pieces.”
Unfortunately, my aunt was one hundred percent correct. I was outnumbered a hundred to one. Out of sheer desperation, I drew on my power buzz and threw everything I had into the sword.
“Dominus unus morsellus.”
Blue fire spewing from Excalibur, I spun in a circle. The skeletal warriors disintegrated around me. Dizzily, I came to a stop and watched as
hundreds of blue orbs whizzed gleefully around me before vanishing through the cavern’s ceiling.
I did a little happy dance. Yee-flippin’-haw! I’m still alive. How incredible is that? My gaze fastened on the knights. “Will it work on the statues, too?”
“It will,” Granny answered.
I raised Excalibur and released a blast of blue flames.
The flames instantly vaporized the statues and dozens of blue orbs shot out of the cavern.
Pumping my fist, I did another happy dance. “I rock! Yes, I do. I’m a bad-ass demon slayer and freer of lost souls. Asmoday has met his match!”
My grandmother groaned.
A thunderous roar shook the cavern and an enormous boulder appeared out of nowhere, streaking towards me.
Or not! The demon king wanted to squash me like a bug. I ran to the left.
Like a heat seeking missile, it veered to the left.
I ran to the right.
The boulder turned to the right.
I zigzagged.
It zigzagged.
Horror clenched my stomach. The boulder menacing presence kept getting close and closer. A thick cloud of dust trailed in its wake. “What do I do? What do I do?”
“You die,” my aunt chortled.
A feral snarl pulled at my mouth. If I was going down, that bitch was going with me. Spinning around I sprinted towards the boulder and at the last instant, somersaulted out of range.
Using the dust to cloak me, I ran back at Aunt Sophie.
The boulder whooshed behind me.
My aunt’s eyes bugged when she saw the boulder hurtling towards her.
I dove over a rocky outcrop.
A loud boom sounded and debris rained down on me.
I took a quick peek round the outcrop and my jaw dropped. “Damn.” Instead of pieces of Aunt Sophie littering the area, shattered pieces of the boulder were scattered around.
My aunt brushed the dust off what was left of her clothing and speared me with a hate-filled gaze. “Now you die.”
Scrambling to my feet, I ran for my life. That would teach me to get cocky.
“There is no escape for you,” Aunt Sophie shouted.
“You have failed me yet again, Sophie,”
Asmoday disembodied voice growled.
“No master, I haven’t,” my aunt cried. “I haven’t. Please. I can and will get you the dagger and another virgin.”
“Do so or you’ll spend eternity in the pit.”
Ducking behind a pinnacle of stone, I surveyed the growing darkness uneasily. Was the big bad coming, too?
A long serpentine shadow slithered towards me.
Nope, just my nasty ass aunt.
“You ruined everything,” Sophie wailed, visibly frightened.
“Oh pleeze. Take responsibility for your own actions. If you hadn’t sold your soul to Asmoday, we wouldn’t be here.”
Fury contorted her face. “You little, self-righteous bitch, I’m going rip your traitorous heart from your chest and eat it.”
“Traitorous? Are you fucking kidding me? The only traitor here is you and Uncle Dante. Oh! By the way, he’s dead.”
“You lie!”
“You’re connected psychically. Can you sense him?”
“Noooooo!’ Her howl of grief and rage echoed around the cavern.
“He died at your master’s hand.”
“Your precious husband killed him and now he will know my pain.” Growing some really awesome fangs and claws, Aunt Sophie barreled towards me with eyes blazing red fire.
Did I have a big mouth or what? Gripping Excalibur tightly, I watched in horror as she kept getting bigger and bigger. “Granny? I could use some help.”
“You must strike her heart.”
Oh joy. That meant I had to get up close and personal with that monster. Running away as fast as I could seemed like a better alternative.
Granny’s calm presence filled me. “You can do this.”
My mouth went dry and my heart began to pound. “Yeah, nothing to it. How hard can it be to kill a two ton demon?”
Aunt Sophie’s neck elongated and needle sharp teeth snapped at me.
Pretty damned hard. Quickly rolling under her belly, I thrust Excalibur hard into her unprotected flesh and twisted it.
My aunt’s feral screams of agony reverberated off the walls.
Something wrapped itself around my waist and catapulted me across the cavern. I hit the rocky floor hard. Black spots dancing in front of my eyes, I reached for Excalibur but the sword wasn’t there.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Where did it go?
“Did you lose your precious little sword?” Her tail flicked back and forth like a cat’s.
Great, she could regenerate body parts.
Silver light pulsed in the darkness.
Excalibur! I ran for it.
Aunt Sophie pounced.
Like some crazy kamikaze Ninja, I somersaulted away from my aunt’s raking claws. That fucking tail latched onto my ankle, yanked me off my feet and dragged me back.
A massive hand closed around my neck and lifted me until I stared into the eyes of madness.
“There is no escape for you, my pretty.”
I pried frantically at her claws; she was slowly cutting off my air.
Puss dripped from Sophie’s horrific mouth.
“Shall I eat your legs first or your arms?”
Blackness filled my vision and I knew I was about to die. From somewhere deep inside me came an angry defiance. A fierce determination to live and an overwhelming need to kill the obscenity in front of me. My hand closed around the knife Derek had given me and I shoved it into her neck.
Aunt Sophie reared back with an astonished shriek and released me.
As I fell, I yanked the knife free.
With a furious growl, my aunt’s head whipped down.
Ducking the snapping teeth, I drove the knife into her heart.
Her eyes widened in shock. “It’s silver.”
“Yep and blessed by the Pope himself.” I backed away as my aunt’s skin began to bubble and blacken.
“Noooo! This can’t happen. It’s not possible.
Asmoday told me only your mother had the power to destroy me and if I wanted to live I had to kill her. So I did.”