I Heart Me (21 page)
Authors: David Hamilton
The second thing that happens is that by substituting the self-critical thought for a positive memory you lessen the impact of the inner harshness.
The skill is in being able to catch yourself in the throes of being harsh on yourself and substituting those thoughts for one or more of the items from your lists. But, as I said, you will improve with practice.
It may seem unlikely that just recalling some positive things about yourself can ease self-criticism, but it does. If you're really good at self-criticism, you got there through practice too. You're basically just learning to change what you're practising.
After some time, you will rewire your brain networks. If normal for you has been self-criticism, normal will become patience, understanding and self-compassion instead.
I've explained the neuroscience of this for a reason. I've learned that when you know what's happening in the brain, you're more likely to actually do the work!
The loving-kindness meditation is a powerful tool for developing self-compassion. Also known as
metta
, it is traditionally a Buddhist meditation. You might be familiar with it. Many people are. Most think of it as all about compassion towards others,
which is a big part of its purpose, but the first line in the meditation is for the self:
âMay I be filled with loving-kindness. May I be well, peaceful and at ease, happy and free of suffering.'
The focus of the loving-kindness meditation is to build a sentiment of compassion and kindness for ourselves, our loved ones, people who are neutral to us, difficult people in our life and everyone in the world. Each time, our circle of compassion widens.
SELF-LOVE GYM:Do the Loving-Kindness Meditation
There are five sayings in the loving-kindness meditation.
- It starts with yourself. You say, three times,
â
May I be filled with loving-kindness. May I be well, peaceful and at ease, happy and free of suffering.
'
Sometimes it's useful to place your hand gently on your heart area as you say the words.
I've personally found that repeating simply âI am filled ⦠etc.' works well for developing self-compassion. There's no definite rule that says you need to use âMay I'. Just do the version that feels better for you. Have a play around with both versions and see which suits you better.
- Next you build the sentiment towards a loved one, repeating, again three times:
â
May [name of the person] be filled with loving-kindness. May he/she be well, peaceful and at ease, happy and free of suffering.
'
If you're a visually oriented person you'll find it useful to picture the person at this point, and so on throughout the meditation.
- Then you do the same three repetitions for a neutral person. That's someone you see around but don't really know. Maybe you pass them in the corridor at work. Maybe it's a person who scans your shopping at the supermarket.
- Then it's a difficult person. This might even be a loved one. Some people use the same person as their loved one and their difficult person. Some people use a person that they have a challenge with, maybe from work, or someone they've been in conflict with in the past. Some people use bullies, either from the present or the past.
- Finally, you project the sentiment out into the world, repeating three times:
â
May all sentient beings be filled with loving-kindness. May they be well, peaceful and at ease, happy and free of suffering.
'
This completes one cycle.
You can do as many or as few cycles as you wish. If you want to do more, you start again with yourself. You can then focus on a different loved one or the same person, a different neutral person or the same one and a different difficult person or the same one before completing the cycle with all sentient beings. Some people like to do several cycles, working through all of their closest loved ones but focusing each cycle on the same difficult person.
There's no specific rule that says you have to do the meditation in a particular way. It's all about the sentiment, so whatever you need to do to build the sentiment is fine. You don't even need to do it in the way I've described. Some people follow a protocol like the one in the study above, where they visualize two loved ones and two strangers. Some people even add âDear Lord' as in âDear Lord, May [person] be filled with loving-kindness ⦠[etc.]' It becomes, for them, the loving-kindness prayer rather than the loving-kindness meditation.
Dobby might not know it, but he has an inner Buddha. That's a wise, compassionate part of himself that is very far removed from the part of himself that uses objects for self-flagellation. When Dobby is punishing himself, the dominant voice inside his head is his self-critic. But there's also a part of Dobby who feels criticized. All in all, that's three parts: the critic, the criticized and the Buddha.
It's the same for all of us. When we give ourselves a harsh time, the main voice we listen to is that of our inner critic. So a very useful self-compassion strategy is to listen to our inner Buddha instead. It's all about shifting our attention.
SELF-LOVE GYM:Listen to Your Inner Buddha
- Take a piece of paper and three pens, in different colours, one for the critic, one for the criticized and one for the inner Buddha.
The
critic
is your voice of self-criticism. It might sound like the voice or words of a parent, a sibling, a schoolteacher or even a husband or wife.
The
criticized
is the part of you who feels hurt through being criticized.
The
inner Buddha
is your wisest, most compassionate self.
- Choose something you normally give yourself a hard time about. Take up a pen and write down what the critic has to say about it. Write the words as you usually hear them. You can write harsh words in capital letters if that makes them feel more real for you.
- Then pick up a different-coloured pen and write as the criticized. Say how you feel about being criticized. Does it hurt? Then say that! You might explain what you're trying to do and say that criticism doesn't help at all, in fact it only holds you back. Say anything you want to say. Be truthful.
Allow the critic to respond if you feel it needs to respond.
You can switch back and forth as many times as you like between the critic and the criticized, just as you would in a conversation between two people. There's no hurry to complete the exercise in seven minutes or something! If it takes three hours, then it takes three hours.
- Whenever you feel the time is right, pick up a third coloured pen and allow your inner Buddha to have a say. As the kindest, gentlest, most loving and compassionate aspect of your soul, what would it say? How would it say it? Would it address you? The critic? Both?
When the inner Buddha has spoken, allow either the critic or criticized to respond if necessary. Again, you can go on and on in a dialogue for as long as you like. Continue until you feel that everything has been said. Make sure, though, that the inner Buddha gets the last word.
When the dialogue is complete, an addition to the exercise, if you want to do it, is to write a letter to yourself from your inner Buddha. It can be as long or as short as you wish. Then post the letter. That will allow you to be reminded of the wisdom in a day or two, when the letter arrives in the post.
Remember the power pose from earlier? Power posing shows that thoughts, feelings, brain chemistry and behaviour
are all affected by what we do with our body. More broadly speaking,
any
body posture does the same. So why not strike a compassion pose?
SELF-LOVE GYM:Strike a Compassion Pose
I've found that if you strike a compassion pose, you can tilt your thoughts, feelings, brain chemistry and behaviour towards self-compassion. You can also extend your pose to a compassion-for-others pose.
- So, either sitting or standing, assume a posture or go through a set of movements that show self-compassion. You might, for instance, relax your facial muscles, soften your eyes and break into a soft, kind smile. (You can practise this in front of a mirror if you find it easier.) You might find you want to place your hands on your heart, give yourself a little squeeze or even a hug.
- Hold the pose for two minutes, just as you would a power pose.
Practising this regularly is an excellent way of using this powerful trick of neuroscience to train yourself to feel compassion for yourself and compassion for others.
In summary⦠Self-compassion is an antidote to self-criticism and also a buffer from pain when things don't go to plan. It's the art of treating ourselves with the same patience, understanding and kindness that we would extend to others when we make a mistake, feel hurt or disappointed, or fail at something.
It's extremely healthy, countering inflammation inside the body and therefore offering protection from disease. It's actually a triple anti-inflammatory in that it reduces not only biological inflammation but also self-inflammation (self-criticism) and relationship inflammation.
To learn self-compassion we can use strategies such as swapping a thought, doing the loving-kindness meditation, listening to our inner Buddha and striking a compassion pose.
âOne of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.'
R
ITA
M
AE
B
ROWN
All of us have made mistakes. All of us have made errors of judgement. All of us have hurt another person. At one time or another, all of us have behaved less than admirably, sometimes with painful consequences. One thing we all need is forgiveness.