I Heart Me (3 page)

Introduction

The first version of this book was rejected by my publisher. They'd wholeheartedly accepted my previous seven books. What was different about this one?

There were two reasons. First, as I point out in the first chapter, there are three stages of self-love. Many adults find themselves at the stage of ‘I'm
not
enough.' Not good enough, not important enough, not successful enough… Most of us live out most of our life there, usually without realizing.

I didn't realize it myself until I was standing at the side of the stage at an ‘I Can Do It' conference organized by my publisher. Dr Wayne Dyer, the internationally known author, speaker and ‘father of motivation', was receiving a well-earned standing ovation following his talk. I was due to speak next.

It was September 2012 and a home gig for me. It was also the first time such a large self-help conference had come to Scotland. In the audience were a lot of people who were there to support me, including family, friends and people who had attended some of my other talks and workshops.

I should have been excited, but I wasn't. Everyone gets a little nervous before public speaking. That's normal. But what I experienced over the next few moments was more than nerves. It was a deep and profound sense of ‘
I'm not good enough
.'

I felt really small, insecure and basically unworthy – and the feeling was familiar. It took me back to when I was six years old and was being made to stand in the corner of the classroom because I hadn't brought 5p for a school trip. My teacher was saying, ‘If David Hamilton isn't good enough to bring his money, we'll go on the trip without him.'

The rest of the class stood in line to collect a big yellow badge. I don't remember the details of it exactly, but I do remember it was large, bright and yellow. What it meant was that you were special. Clearly, everyone in the class was special. Standing in the corner, clearly I was not.

My mum would have given me the money without hesitation. But I hadn't asked her for it. I knew my mum and dad were struggling with money. A man used to visit us on Friday evenings and my mum would give him money, which he would note down in his big book. He was from the Provident. It was a company that offered loans to people who were in need. Tony was a nice man and he visited us every week for years. But one night close to Christmas time when I sneaked downstairs I saw Mum crying. She was explaining to Dad that my sister Lesley needed new clothes and that we both wanted specific toys for Christmas. She was saying, ‘What am I going to do?'

I went back upstairs and cried too, half out of sympathy for my mum and half out of shame at being so selfish. I always spent all
my pocket money on myself, but my mum never spent money on herself. Everything was for the family.

As a young child, you don't understand the value of money. Five pence could have been a week's wages for all I knew. That's why I hadn't asked Mum for the money.

Back at the conference, Wayne Dyer wasn't actually wearing a yellow badge, but he might as well have been. To my mind, all the other speakers were special. And I
wasn't
. I was just a guy from the wee village of Banknock. ‘Who d'you think
you
are to be speaking at this conference?' said a voice in my head. ‘Get back home to where you belong and leave the speaking to the big boys.'

Of course I couldn't go back home; I had to go on stage. Within a few moments, I was out there doing what I do best. No one would have guessed what I'd been feeling.

But those few moments were the first signs that I needed to address my personal issues. It wasn't the first time I'd felt small and insecure and it certainly wouldn't be the last. But now I knew I couldn't let it hold my life or career back any more than it already had done.

During Wayne Dyer's talk, he'd invited Anita Moorjani, bestselling author of the book
Dying to Be Me
, onto the stage to tell her story of having a near-death experience while suffering from stage-four lymphoma. Anita had experienced such a profound expansiveness that she'd felt herself to be the whole universe as a state of consciousness. In that state, she'd understood that
learning to love ourselves was about the most important thing we could ever do and that most of us just didn't know how.

In London the following week I had the chance to spend a long time talking to Anita and her husband, Danny. Anita talked much more about self-love then and told me how she'd chosen to love herself completely and be her authentic self. And how she'd become free of cancer in a matter of a few months.

Meeting and conversing with Anita was like a clarion call to me. I realized that the root of almost all of my problems in life, especially the issue of confidence, was self-love. Never before had I been so sure of what to write my next book on. Writing a book on the subject was the only way I felt I could immerse myself in it enough to really experience self-love. So my self-love project began…

The book took much longer than I expected. This was linked to the second reason why it was different: I had a deadline to write it.

There are really only two kinds of self-help books. There's the type where a person has lived a philosophy and a set of teachings for several years and is now sharing their wisdom. Then there's the type where the content mirrors the author's life – where the writer learns as they write. This book falls into that category. Working on it has been, as I said, quite a personal journey for me. I've packed more growth into the last 21 months than the previous 10 years. My dog, Oscar, has helped me a lot.

Animals know all about self-love. They don't have a problem with it. Oscar came into my life as an eight-week-old Labrador puppy
just as I was about to begin work on this book. It's funny how the timing of these things works out.

One of the things Oscar has inspired me to learn is that self-love doesn't mean ‘love yourself
instead of
others'. Nor does it mean ‘love yourself
once you've finished
loving others'. It doesn't even mean ‘love yourself
as well as
others'. Others aren't mentioned
at all
. Love yourself. It's that simple.

In practice … well, it's not always that simple. The problem with having a deadline to write a book, especially one about self-love, is that it's like saying, ‘You will love yourself by 30 June 2013.' That was my initial deadline.

Self-love doesn't work like that. You can't rush it. Having a deadline to love yourself ensures you'll never get there, because rushing the process is continually reinforcing ‘I'm
not
good enough.' If you
were
good enough, you wouldn't be trying so hard to
be
good enough, right?

The managing director of my publisher removed my deadline. She asked me to come back to her when I felt I could finish the book. I'm very grateful she did that. It has allowed me to create a book of which I'm now very proud.

In this book you'll learn about the three stages of self-love and a possible fourth. You'll find out how a lack of self-love is learned. You weren't born that way. You learned it somewhere along the line, most likely in the first six or seven years of your life. Then, over time, it became normal for you. It was wired into your brain.

Part of this book is about teaching you how to wire in more positive beliefs instead. You'll get the chance to try lots of different exercises that will help you do that, some of which will literally alter your brain networks.

You'll also learn about shame and how to become resilient to it. And I'll encourage you to let your guard down. Don't be afraid to show your vulnerabilities. Everyone feels vulnerable, even people who pretend they're tough. Showing your vulnerabilities gives others permission to show theirs too. That's how friendships begin. Also, being yourself, without hiding or pretending in any way, is a back door to self-love.

You'll also learn how to be compassionate towards yourself and how to forgive yourself. That can be quite a stumbling block for some people. If it's one for you, then here are some insights and strategies for finally moving on in your life.

You'll also gain some insights that will help you to step up and out into the world, no longer afraid of being who or what you want to be.

A lot of what I've written is backed up by science. I'm a former pharmaceutical drug development scientist and I love to use science to inspire. As for what qualifies me to write a book about self-love – well, I'm human.

Just about every person I've ever known has struggled to some extent with self-love. Life doesn't seem to spare anyone from facing doubts about their own worth. We all tend to have the same kind of troubles. So you'll be able to recognize yourself
in some of the personal stories and examples given throughout the book.

I've used the terms ‘self-love', ‘self-worth' and ‘self-esteem' interchangeably for the most part. Although they're slightly different, most people tend to use them to describe the same thing – their own sense of worth and how it relates to their emotions and the circumstances of their life. Where I have used the terms more specifically, I've made it clear how they differ.

Overall, the book is packed with tools, tips, exercises, encouragement, inspiration and stories. My hope is that by the time you finish reading it, you'll love yourself enough to have already begun living the life you want to live.

Welcome to your own self-love project. Take your time … and enjoy the journey!

Chapter 1

The Three Stages of Self-Love

‘The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness.'

L
AO
T
ZU

Most people spend most of their time in a state of consciousness that says, ‘I'm
not
good enough' – or, more simply, ‘I'm
not
enough.' Many people spend their entire life there. Some do a good job of pretending otherwise, but they're there just the same.

Others reach a point where they say, ‘I've
had
enough!' It's a transition point. It's usually accompanied by passion and sometimes by anger, especially if these people feel they've been taken advantage of or bullied. Despite this, it's a much better place to be in than ‘I'm
not
enough,' mostly because these people are less likely to be taken advantage of or bullied ever again.

In time, a lucky few pop out of the other end. They've had enough of having had enough. It's tiring because it takes quite a lot of energy to channel your mind in that way all the time. The
lucky few emerge into a quite restful state, a state of ‘I
am
good enough' or ‘I
am
enough.' It's characterized by acceptance and peace, and a lot of laughter is not uncommon. Life ceases to be stressful, for the most part. Challenges still come along of course. Challenges are part of being human. But in this state we don't waste energy trying to maintain a charade or to get people to like or accept us. And it turns out that's quite a lot of saving on energy for most of us.