I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (11 page)

Still reeling from falling in a toilet and getting my ass kicked by
a

bouncer, I just sat there. It was Junior who saved this day. H
e
immediately jumped into action
:
"Get up SlingBlade, get up. Alright, Tucker, hold him up. Just sta
y
here, I'll be right back.
"

He ran off to the front of the restaurant and got the manager. She wa
s
a well-dressed woman, probably in her late thirties, who looked unhapp
y
that, at her age, she was still pulling late shifts in a Vega
s
restaurant
.

Manager "Hi. What can I do for you?
"
Junior "Yeah, we were just seated, and, well, I don't want to get anyon
e
in trouble for this, it's not a big deal at all, but it appears that someon
e
left something in our booth, and nobody cleaned it up before w
e
were seated.
"

He pointed to the booth Sling Blade had been sitting in
.
Manager "What is that ... Oh my lord! I am SO sorry. Oh my! Is tha
t
vomit? Please, oh, I am so sorry. I can't believe this. Please go to th
e
front, we'll get you a new table and take care of everything right away
.
I am so sorry. JULIO, GET OVER HERE!
"

SlingBlade and I went to the front of the restaurant, SlingBlade stil
l
holding his stomach in agony. They quickly seated us at another boot
h
in a separate part of the restaurant. SlingBlade wasn't looking muc
h
better
.

Tucker "Can you hold it together? Are you going to be alright?
"
SlingBlade nodded. I was ordering him some coffee as the manage
r
and Junior came over to our new table
.

Manager "Please let me apologize again for that. I am really sorry, tha
t
has never happened before. Let me buy your meal, whatever yo
u
want. Again, I am really sorry.
"
Junior ''That's really nice, but honestly, it's not necessary. Really. It'
s
not a big deal.
"
Manager "No, please, I want to, I feel so bad about ...
"
I heard it before I saw it, but the noise was enough. By the time I actuall
y
looked at him, SlingBlade only had a small dribble of vomit comin
g
out of his mouth, but there was chunky liquid was all over the carpet ..
.
right next to the manager's shoes
.

She stood completely still, in total shock, except for her head whic
h

tilted downwards to see the damage. When SlingBlade started retchin
g
again, she jumped out of the way of his second wave of vomit. Sh
e
waited for him to stop regurgitating before she spoke
:
"I think all of you should leave now.
"

Junior and I were still wired from all the Red Bull we drank at the club
,
so we decided to gamble. SlingBlade was done, but the casino w
e
were at didn't have any rooms either, so we had to travel all the wa
y
down the strip to Circus-Circus to find a room. Once we had the ke
y
we sent him up to the room, and started in on more blackjack. Thi
s
was about 5am on Saturday morning
.

Junior left the table at 10am. I kept playing and drinking Vodka Re
d
Bulls until I looked up and it was 3pm (still Saturday). SlingBlade an
d
Junior had come back down to the table
:

SlingBlade "Jesus Christ. How are you still awake? Are you on coke?
"
Tucker "NoDude, RedBull isAmazingStuff,PluslThinkTheyReallyDoPum
p
OxygenlntoTheseCasinos. VegaslsGreatlLoveltHere!D
o
YouThinklShould SplitTheseTensAgainstAn8
?
BookSaysNo,ButlmOnARolI! HITME! HITME! COMEONPICTURE!
"
SlingBlade "Should I just call Gamblers Anonymous now, or wait til
l
you pass out?
"
Junior "What's wrong with your eyes? They are shaking.
"
Tucker "lmHungry, LetsGoTolnNOutandThenGoToAStripClub
!
DoubleDoublesOnMe!!
"

We left the casino in Junior's car, and as soon as I sat down in th
e
back seat I hit a wall. I passed out in the car and they just left me there
.
I woke up at 8pm, five hours later, still in the car, in some parking lot
I
didn't recognize. Whatever; this is Vegas, it's time to rally
.

I look around and see Bellagio signs. I know why we are here
.
Yesterday-at least I think it was yesterday-we had been playin
g
blackjack at the Bellagio in the early evening while we waited fo
r
SlingBlade to fly in. Junior, who has an amazing radar for big-titte
d
girls with low self-esteem, was drawn like a tractor beam to the cente
r
casino bar. It was crawling with his exact type of women. Seriously, i
t
looked like a Playboy shoot or something. He tried to pick up some o
f
the girls but was continually and unceremoniously shot down. I foun
d
him and Sling Blade at the bar. Both were sipping drinks but not talkin
g
to any of the women
.

Tucker "So what's up Junior? I've never seen you give up on puss
y
before, especially not pussy that looks like this.
"
Junior just shook his head as SlingBlade broke out laughing, "I can'
t
believe you two idiots didn't recognize this yesterday. THEY ARE AL
L
PROSTITUTES! You don't hit on them, you negotiate price!
"

That was the bad news. The good news was that Junior and SlingBlad
e
had not wasted their time. Even though Junior may not be abl
e
to pick up working prostitutes, he did get a Bellagio cocktail waitress t
o
agree to come to dinner with us, and to bring two of her friends wh
o
went to UNLV with her. They met us at the bar and took us to thi
s
amazing local Thai place. Making small talk, the girls asked us wha
t
we do. I considered telling them the truth, but hey, this is Vegas. Yo
u
can be anything you want here
:
Tucker "We are in a band.
"
Girl 1 "No way really? Anything I've ever heard of?
"
Tucker "I don't know-do you listen to Christian Rap?
"
Girl 2 "I love Christian Rap!
"
Tucker "Well, I am Big Baby Jesus, and [pointing to Junior] this is Th
e
Beat Boxin' Prophet, and he [pointing to SlingBlade] is OJ Orthodoxy
.
Together, we call ourselves Tha Last Suppa.
"

I wish I could have recorded the look on Sling Blade's face. There isn'
t
a word strong enough for the look he gave me; "contempt" doesn't cu
t
it, and "hatred" isn't rich enough. I fully expected the girls to laugh an
d
ask us what we really did ... and that is what I get for underestimatin
g
the stupidity of UNLV students
.

Girl 2 "OH MY GOD! I totally think I have heard of you guys!
"
Girl 1 "Were you on the radio today? I think I heard you!
"

Now, I want to pause here and point something out. People alway
s
email me asking how it is I get into the ridiculous situations I seem t
o
constantly find myself in. Well people, this is a how I do it: Where mos
t
anyone else would stop the joke here, I just dropped it into 5th gea
r
and zoomed past the speed limit
.

Tucker "Yeah! I can't believe you heard us. We aren't that big yet, bu
t
we're getting there. I'm glad that you two are fans.
"
Girl 3 "I'm a fan too!
"
Tucker "Of course you are.
"
SlingBlade "And here I was thinking that Larry Johnson was the stupides
t
person to ever go to UNLV.
"

Junior played along great, but SlingBlade was not happy. Not only di
d
he not like being "OJ Orthodoxy," but he could not stand the idiot gir
l
he was talking to
.
Girl 3 "So where are you from?
"
SlingBlade "I don't care.
"
Girl 3 "Did you say 'here?' Like Vegas? Me too!
"
SlingBlade "Yeah here. I'm from right here.
"
Girl 3 ''This neighborhood?
"
SlingBlade "No, this Thai restaurant. I was lost in a rather high stake
s
game of Omaha Hold'em by my degenerate gambler father, but luckil
y
escaped from the glue factory and lived as a street urchin until thi
s
nice Thai family adopted me. I lived out the rest of my childhoo
d
scampering amongst the chair legs, bussing tables for a cot and eatin
g
floor scraps for subsistence. This is like a home coming party for me.
"
Girl 3 "You don't have to be a jerk.
"
Sling Blade "Quite the contrary, my sloppy penile scholar. Order m
e
another drink and be quick about it.
"
Sling Blade got up and went to the bathroom. Girl 3 turns to the table
:
Girl 3 "You guys are really nice, but ... DJ Orthodoxy is a jerk.
"
Tucker "Sometimes he has problems with the 'love thy neighbor' part.
"
To really solidify the Christian rapper shtick, at one point I took m
y
beer, held it up and motioned to Junior and SlingBlade
:
Tucker "Beat Boxin' Prophet, DJ Orthodoxy ... I think it's time w
e
tipped one out to our fallen lord. Hmm? Some beer for Jesus?
"
Junior "WE'LL SEE YOU AT THE CROSSROADS, JESUS!
"
I poured a little drop on the ground. Junior laughed hysterically an
d
followed me, then the girls actually did the same thing. Sling Blade jus
t
glared at me
.

Sling Blade "I hate both of you with a nearly unspeakable hatred.
"

This Thai place was fucking awesome. We couldn't finish a drink befor
e
they had another one in front of us. We got so drunk eve
n
SlingBlade started being nice. At one point, the topic of anal sex cam
e
up. As we were talking about the finer points of ass sex, Junior, wh
o
was very drunk by this point, stood up at his seat and yelled out
,
"No girl's butt can take this dick.
"

As he said this, Junior takes his cock out and slams it on the table wit
h
a thud. And it does make an audible thud-the dude is hung lik
e
Tommy Lee. I think a few glasses even clinked. I distinctly heard on
e
of the girls gasp. The table gets completely silent for what seems lik
e
a minute, but was probably closer to a second. He then belts out
:

Junior "I've never had buttsex because no girl's ass can take this dick. Look at this thing; I have a black man's penis. Show me an ass that can handle this! Look at this dick! It's huge!" Tucker "Now, now Beat Boxin' Prophet; you are being prideful."

As soon as my words were out of my mouth, all the women were immediately jarred out of a trance. They readjusted themselves and turned away from Junior as he put his cock back in, and some normalcy returned to the table. Well, as much normalcy as is possible after a fucking elephant cock was slammed in the middle of a dinner table.

After dinner we decide to go back to the house that two of the girls share. Sling Blade claims that he is tired and wants to leave. We know the truth: He freaks out at the prospect of having to sleep with a girl that he isn't in love with. The kid has problems. He gets in a cab back to Circus-Circus.