Authors: Jane Lark
She smiled, a really wide smile. “Saint is perfect. We love him like crazy.”
We…
Her and Jason.
The word made me itch. Jason and I had been we! But that was old and gone, and I had to smash that boundary and think of myself as me.
“Lindy! Hey!” My heart did a weird flip when I heard his voice. I turned and looked at him. Rachel’s presence was a massive ball of tension behind me.
He went over to her first, reached out, gripped the back of her neck, and pulled her forward as he leaned over the counter, then he kissed her.
It was a brief kiss. When he broke it he ran a hand over the baby’s head
“You’ll wake him.” Rachel said quietly.
Jason chuckled, “He’s fine.” Jason looked happy about the baby, really calm, laid back, and glowing. Nice.
He smiled at her, his lips parting as he slipped one hand into the back of his pants. I knew the gesture.
When he turned to me, his other hand lifted and combed through his hair. They were both gestures that said he felt awkward.
I’d got very used to those silent expressions of his reluctance to fight, mostly in the last year of our relationship.
His other hand fell and also slipped into his back pocket.
“Jason.”
“Lindy.”
“Can I talk to you privately?” There was no way I had the courage to speak in front of Rachel––
the girl he’d left me for
.
He glanced at Rachel, his handsome face apologizing to her. Jason was devastatingly beautiful. Billy did not compare to him in that.
“Sure,” he said, facing me again and then lifting his hand. “Come out back.”
“Is your dad not there?”
“Nope, he’s out with suppliers. Come on.” He waited for me to walk ahead, his hand still out. I did, self-consciousness slashing a blade through my thoughts about the width of my thighs.
Rachel had had a baby a couple of weeks ago and was like a pole.
Stupid. I’d stopped caring with Billy, because he hadn’t cared. But Jason had spoken without words, by finding someone prettier and thinner than me.
I pushed open the door of the office. Familiarity hit me. I’d spent so many hours in here, talking with his dad or him, sorting files, ordering stock.
I missed the store as much as I’d missed Jason. But the emptiness that had been inside me for months wasn’t there. I didn’t miss him anymore. But I still missed the store.
“Do you want to sit down?” His hand indicated the chair his dad used and I noticed the open web page on the computer Jason must be using. It was the online gaming magazine he’d developed. I’d heard about it and looked at it.
I looked back at him. “No, I won’t take long.”
One hand ran through his hair and then both slipped into his back pockets again.
Great, he was defensive.
I took a breath, for courage, then let the words I’d practiced come out. “I came to say sorry. I didn’t pick here to take the overdose to hurt you…”
I just consider this place home…
“And I didn’t mean for you to find me.”
His familiar brown gaze absorbed every word, then his hands slipped out of his back pockets. “Billy already told me. You don’t have to–– ”
“But I needed to tell you myself, and I want… I want to say I forgive you…” His expression twisted, like he was gonna dispute that, but I carried on. “I know we had to split. You couldn’t have stayed with me, you didn’t love me, and I get that you fell for Rachel.”
There, I’d drawn a line on the past. I could move forward now.
“Lindy.” His eyes softened to pools of caring. It was the way he’d looked at me before he’d gone to New York and his arms opened.
I was crying before I knew it, crumbling into him. His arms came around me. Mine slipped about his waist.
This had always been right between Jason and me. He’d felt safe, like the store––home. They’d been the places I’d gone to feel better.
“Lind.” His hand stroked over my hair, as my cheek pressed against the muscle of his chest.
But I missed Billy’s bigger solid bear hug of reassurance.
“I’m sorry too.” Jason’s voice rumbled low in his chest. “I know I hurt you. I just want you to be happy as well. And Rach wants the same…”
Her name reminded me that I didn’t have any right to draw comfort from him now. I pulled away, wiping my eyes. “Sorry.”
“Lind, you don’t need to be sorry for being upset. You have a right to be upset, and I’m sorry it’s my fault. But I can’t change how I feel, and now, if either Rach or I can do anything to help you, we will.”
He smiled, and I tried to smile back but my lips quivered as tears clouded my gaze.
“Come on, come and talk to Rach.” He gripped my hand and started pulling me out of the office. A part of me wanted to plant my feet and not budge. But Rachel wasn’t gonna go away, she worked in the store, she lived in the town, I was gonna keep seeing her everywhere. It was half the reason I’d spent the last six months hiding away. If I was gonna draw a line on the past and move on, I guess I had to get used to the idea of seeing Rachel around too.
Swallowing back my discomfort I let him tug me down the aisle leading to the counter. Rachel stood there. She smiled, but her eyes held a questioning look.
She wasn’t bothered that Jason held my hand, though. She was one hundred percent confident in what they had together… I saw her gaze change, passing to him and smiling just for him.
Happiness.
I wish I could be happy. I wish everything in my life was certain and secure.
“Rach…” Jason squeezed my hand then let go. It was a reminder of how things used to be when his security belonged to me. “Lindy came to make peace with us. I told her we’ll do whatever we can to help her be happy.”
I hadn’t really come to make peace with them. I’d come to find peace myself. But––
“That’s awesome, Lindy––” Rachel smiled one of her hands patting under the baby’s bottom on the carrier.
I swallowed, plucking up courage. This had not been what I’d planned; it took everything one step further beyond comfort, but that would be one step further to putting the past behind me and finding a way to live… “I’m sorry I was mean to you when you first came here.”
“You had a right to be mean. I know that. I’m sorry I was mean back.”
“That’s okay––” It really wasn’t, but I was letting it go now. Letting everything that had happened just become history so I could live today.
“I know you’d find it hard right now. But if you could stand it, Lindy, I’d like to be your friend. Maybe in the future… I don’t have any friends here…”
Tears made her hazy. I needed to go. Being friends––that was a step too far. But I didn’t want to just walk out. “Can I see the baby?” I’d been terrified of seeing her with the baby. It seemed like she had everything I’d dreamed of with Jason, the store, a family, happiness… It was one last fear to kick in the face and then I’d go.
“Sure.” She turned sideways. The kid was in a huddle. All I could see was his face and his dark hair. He had a pouty mouth, a squished little nose, and his eyes were shut tight. He was only four weeks old. I hadn’t expected her to be in the store.
“He’s cute.”
“I know, isn’t he…? He’s adorable…” Rachel said.
Jason laughed. “Until he cries or shits. Although the face he makes when he shits is pretty cute.”
Rachel laughed.
They were solid. He was with someone he loved now. He hadn’t loved me. The words echoed like a chant. “I better go.” I looked at Jason then at Rachel, and nodded my goodbye. I had no place here. It was her place.
The door shut on my past with a bang.
“I’ll walk you to your car,” Jason offered.
“You don’t have to––”
“I want to.”
I walked ahead. He followed me out into the parking lot. “Thanks for coming in to talk…”
I shrugged. “It’s time I moved on. I just need to focus on me and getting things together.”
His hand flicked my hair back off my shoulder, a gesture he’d done a thousand times when we’d been together. Then it fell on my shoulder. My heart remembered his touch. It was excruciating. I had no right to it. I didn’t want it.
“You’ll be okay, you’ll meet someone else.”
I shook my head and shrugged. I wasn’t looking for that. I had too much going on… “I just need to get my life straight.”
His hand fell away. “Yeah well if Rach or I can do anything to help, get in touch.”
I nodded. But I wouldn’t ever ask him for help.
“Let me get your door.” Jason may have kicked my heart out of the state at Christmas, but he hadn’t done it because he was mean. He was full-on nice. He just hadn’t loved me.
I got in, remembering how I used to slide the window down and he’d lean in and kiss me. But the memory was like a dream, and shadowed by images of the good sex I’d had with Billy.
“For the record… it wasn’t just good sex, it was awesome sex…”
I wound the window down to deny the emotions and fear rubbing up against each other and starting off a tornado in my head.
He smiled and tapped the roof of Mom’s car. “I’ll see you around, Lind. But make a deal with me whenever we see each other let’s say, hi.”
I nodded. “Okay. See you around.”
Trying not to let him see how much my hands shook, or let the tears come until I was out of sight I slipped the gear shift into first and pressed down on the gas.
My heart screamed––get away from him. Tears slipped onto my cheeks as I drove off.
Billy
“You’re early, Billy.”
I threw Eva a bitter smile and chucked the SUV keys and my cell down on the kitchen counter. “I’m not in the right mood to go to the gym.” She was standing beside the fridge pouring herself a glass of juice.
“Ah, my poor big brother’s still in a bad mood?”
“Don’t.” I warned her.
“Did Lindy upset you?”
I lifted a hand to clip her, but she dodged it, laughing.
“It’s not funny, Eva.”
“Billy has heartache…”
“One day, when you’re older you’re gonna fall for some guy and know how it feels to love someone who doesn’t love you back.”
She poked her tongue out at me.
She’d known about my infatuation with Lindy for ages. Thankfully she’d never told anyone. But as soon as Lindy and Jason had split she’d been on at me to push for more than friendship… She didn’t get how complex things were.
“Why did you go away with her, then?”
“Because she needed a friend.”
“Doesn’t she know by now you want to be more than her friend?”
She knew. But it didn’t seem to make any difference. I still didn’t have a fucking clue where I stood with her. Gripping the countertop I leaned forward, anger and envy scorching through my veins.
How to make Lindy love me? Why had she gone to see Jason? Why did she keep letting Nial chase her?
“Sorry.” Eva’s hand settled on my shoulder.
I looked up. “You don’t need to say sorry. It’s hardly your fault. Just whatever you do, don’t say a word to Lindy.”
“Haven’t you told her how you feel?”
“No.” I wasn’t gonna thrust my neck in a noose.
“Tell her.” Eva pressed, her blue eyes bright and vehement.
I lifted my eyebrows. “No way. She’d laugh at me.”
“You think she’d be that mean. I don’t. I know Lindy’s had a hard time lately but she’s always been a friend to you.”
“Let me underline that, A FRIEND.”
Her hand patted my shoulder. “If she doesn’t fall for you Billy, she’s blind.”
I gave her a hug, my baby sister, who wasn’t such a baby anymore. “Well, then, she’s been blind for a lot of years…”
“But she was with Jason. Now she’s free…” Her warm breath heated my shoulder, then she slipped free of my grip. “…and you’re a catch, Billy.”
“So says my little sister.” I chucked her under the chin. “I think you’re biased.”
She gave me a big smile. “Of course I am. All my friends are in love with you.”
“Nice to know I can impress some girls then.”
“You impress lots of girls, and you know it.”
But not the one I want.
My cell vibrated, rattling on the counter.
Lindy’s name flashed up as a message showed.
I picked the cell up. ‘I hate you! Why do you have to be such a douchebag now?’
What? That was vicious.
‘Hey.’
‘Don’t say hey, like you did nothing.”
‘Why?’
‘It makes it even worse you don’t know… I hate you, Billy!”
I held the cell up and showed Eva. “I don’t think Lindy agrees…”
Eva’s eyebrows lifted as she picked up her juice. “What did you do?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’d better call her and find out, then.” With one last smile thrown in my direction she left me in the kitchen and headed for the den.
Awesome.
I looked at my cell. At least Lindy was speaking to me now. Sliding the screen over, I went into contacts and picked up her name, then pressed the call icon. “Hey, Lindy.”
I leaned back against the counter.
“I don’t know how you dare call me!”
“Why?”
“Your stupid message. If you are down at the store, thinking you have a chance with Jason now; you need to get your head screwed on straight. You’re a douche, Billy!”
She ended the call.
Shit. I’d left that message in anger hours ago. I’d forgotten about it. I called again.
“Lin––”
“Go away! I don’t want to talk to you!”
She cut the call.
Fuck. Gritting my teeth I called again. “Hear me out!”
“Why should I?”
“Just––”
“You had a go about Nial yesterday so I texted him and told him it was best we didn’t keep in touch, and now this thing with Jason. What is wrong with you? And Mom said you came around here. You had no right to come here without asking. She doesn’t want people calling here! I don’t want to talk to you! Go away!”
The call went dead.
I tossed the cell on the counter, giving up.
Whatever. Let her be in a mood. I wasn’t the one messing around. She’d had sex with me… She couldn’t do that and then keep chasing other guys.
But she’d told Nial to get lost!
Victory cheered inside me as I blew out a long breath and I hit the side of my closed fist on the counter. Dammit, it was not a win.