Authors: Jane Lark
Well, whatever, there was nothing I could do right now.
I slipped the SUV back into drive, looked in the side mirror, to check nothing was coming, waited until a vehicle passed, then pulled out and drove home.
Lindy
My finger kept hovering over Billy’s name in the contacts list on my cell. I’d seen the psychiatrist and she’d told me I had to start seeing her regularly, to talk out all the stuff going on in my life––and in my head. Then I’d come home and all the stuff going on in my life had hit me in the face. There was an atmosphere in the house. Fear. Loneliness. Pain. Because Mom was sick––she couldn’t help being sick––but I had to watch her wither away. It was too hard––I didn’t want to let her go.
My head, belly and heart ached. Life had been hard and cruel for too long. That’s why I’d tried to end it––I’d just been selfish for a moment. I’d tried to escape everything; Mom and Jason. His baby had been the thing that slid me over the Niagara Falls of despair, though.
But I wouldn’t do it again. I’d learned my lesson. Guilt was heavy. Mom had looked hurt and disappointed and Dad hadn’t been able to hide how bad he’d have felt if I’d succeeded.
If I was meant to die I’d have died. I was meant to face up to all this bullshit and keep going.
And Mom…
Now I could see all the stuff I’d been blind to.
I felt lousy, not because I’d swallowed a massive dose of happy pills, but because I’d hurt my parents.
Mom had every reason to bow out, and she didn’t––I’d tried.
I needed someone to hold me. I felt sore inside.
I touched the screen. Billy’s picture and details came up. He smiled at me out of the cell, with those warm dark-blue eyes of his. My thumb hovered over his number.
We hadn’t spoken since just after New Year, until I’d called him the other day. But I had no one else. He’d been the closest person to me other than Jason for years.
I wished what had happened, hadn’t…
I shut my eyes––I wish, I wish, I wish. If I had shiny red shoes on and clicked my heels, I wondered if I could go back in time, to when everything was right, then I could make sure everything stayed right.
That’s what my life had become––wishes that things had not happened, wishes that they wouldn’t, wishes that people would stay in my life.
I’d lost my friends. I’d given them up in favor of Jason, and look how that had ended. He’d moved on and left me behind. The only friend I’d had left was his best friend, until I’d messed that up too.
I was super-good at messing things up.
I sighed. Courage. I wasn’t going to fix things with the only possible friend I had left unless I made the move. He’d taken the first step the other day when he’d texted me––now it was my turn. I just had to do it.
I tapped the icon.
“Hi.” He answered, right off. My heart pounded.
“Billy?”
“You. Okay?”
“Yeah. I’m at home now. Dad picked me up at seven last night and brought me back. I appreciate you helping me out. I’m sorry you had to see me like that. I’m––”
“It’s okay, Lind. I’m glad you’re home. How did you get on with the shrink?”
When Jason had gone to New York, Billy had become my best friend, as well as Jason’s. But then he’d ended up in the middle of everything when Jason had deserted me.
“Okay, I have to see someone regularly.”
“Well that’s probably a good thing isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“How are you today?”
“Down.” I sighed. The psychiatrist had told me to be honest rather than keep things trapped inside. “Jason having the baby makes me feel like crap still. Is that a bad thing to admit? Only the woman at the hospital told me I should admit how I feel.”
“Lind, if it’s how you feel, it’s how you feel, it just is. I know all this stuff is hard on you. I’m not judging you. Like I said the other day, I feel like I’ve let you down… Do you want me come around so we can talk?”
“Yeah.” God the thought of having someone to talk to outside of my house, and everything weighing down the atmosphere in here, was wonderful. Like an oasis in a desert.
“I’ll come over now then, yeah?”
“Yeah. You’re not working?”
“I’ve got a gap between clients. I’ll come over.”
“Don’t knock. Call me when you get here.”
“Okay, I’ll be there soon.”
“Okay. Bye.”
“Bye, Lind. See you in a while.”
“Yeah.”
I fell back on my bed, lying on my back, with my cell still in my hand and stared up at the ceiling. Tears blurred the white fluffy clouds Dad had painted against the blue sky when I’d been a kid. The tears wouldn’t stop. I’d cried loads since I’d woken up in the hospital.
It was twenty minutes after I’d spoken to Billy that I got the second call.
“Hi, I’m parked outside your house. Do you want me to knock?”
“No, stay there, I’ll come out.” I ended the call, wiped my eyes, and stood, then glanced in the mirror. I looked like a ghost, pale and pasty. I hadn’t gone out of my room yet. I sat down to put some makeup on to hide the sorry-looking state of my face. I hated looking at myself in mirrors but I had to face that ugly girl to put on the mask I hid her behind.
Mom was in her chair in the living room. “I’m going outside.” Guilt made me feel I had to tell her everything so she didn’t worry I was doing something stupid.
“Why?”
“Billy’s outside, I’m just going to sit in his car and talk to him.”
“Lindy, love, you can bring him in…” She felt guilty too. Mom didn’t really want anyone in the house, she’d said so, anyone who saw her would know she was sick, and she didn’t want anyone to know––but after what I’d done, she was worried about it hurting me. It made me feel worse.
“It’s okay, I’d rather speak to him outside. We won’t go anywhere.”
“Darling––”
“Sorry. I just need to talk to him, then I’ll be back in.” I knew what she wanted to say, I didn’t have to explain myself––but then I knew she was afraid I’d try to kill myself again. “You can look out the window if you want.”
“Lindy…” My name was said on a sad, weak, sigh. She needed to know I was okay, but she didn’t want to have to know.
I’d messed everything up by taking an overdose. I don’t even really know why I’d done it. It’s just, that night, everything had seemed too much, and I’d had a drink, and escape and relief had opened up like a window I could jump through. I’d seen freedom from the pain ripping my soul apart, and I’d taken the chance.
But if I’d succeeded it wouldn’t have been an end to anything; it would have just made things worse for the people I’d left behind.
Fate had saved me from doing that.
But now I had no choice. I had to cope.
I turned, opened the door and went out.
Billy’s SUV was parked on the other side of the road. Nothing was coming up the street. I crossed over and went around to the passenger door, my heart racing as if someone was beating a crazy drum solo on it. “Hi.” I climbed up into the passenger seat.
“Lindy…” He’d freed his seatbelt already, and now he twisted sideways. He had long, loose shorts on.
We hadn’t spoken properly for so long––I didn’t really know what to say.
I pulled the door shut, anxious and nervous, and stared ahead, avoiding looking at him.
“You okay? Do you want me to drive somewhere?”
“No.”
“Do you want to talk?”
Yeah. So much.
Tears gathered in the back of my throat, hurting.
I didn’t look at him. I’d cry.
My hands were in my lap. He leaned over and gripped one of them. “Lindy, I’m here.”
Oh Lord, the tears tumbled, rolling down my cheeks, and I was sobbing as his grip on my hand pulled me over, and he moved forward. Then his arms came around me, holding me tight.
“I’m sorry… I didn’t realize how bad you felt. I wish… God, I wish I’d handled things better. I let you down.”
I shook my head and looked at him. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault. It’s nothing to do with you.” I had a lot of people to apologize to. Surviving had made me see two things; I had to change and I was meant to accept things and just get on with it––like Mom did. But doing that wasn’t easy.
“I don’t know what to say.” His dark-blue eyes were warm and deep with feeling.
I sighed. I didn’t know what to say either. All I knew was that I hurt too much, and I didn’t know how to escape it.
“Do you want to get away?”
“What?”
“I could drive you out to the coast somewhere, once I’ve had time to book something, and you’ve had time to pack…”
I wanted to hug him back like he’d just hugged me––hard and tight––with gratitude and relief.
“We could run away together for a couple of weeks and not tell anyone where we’re going. No Jason. No baby. And no expectations from me, I swear. We’ll just be friends. I want you to be happy.”
I took a breath. I didn’t know what to say. What about Mom? And then there was my psychiatrist. And… “I don’t know.”
His hand gripped mine hard; the emotion in his eyes shining bright. “Lindy, let me make this up to you. I’ve been a shit friend for the last six months, and you need a friend––”
I did… “But you were with Jason.” My pitch came out as an accusation; any thought of Jason still raised a bitter taste in my mouth.
“You remember?” Guilt passed over his face.
“Why were you with him?”
His skin reddened, like he was going to confess something awful. “He’d called me that day. The day Rach had the baby.”
The day I’d overdosed.
“He asked me to wet the baby’s head with him and put everything behind us…” Billy’s eyes looked into mine as if he tried to judge my thoughts. “We’ve made up, Lind… and then we saw you and I knew I could never move on until you did too.”
All the pain trapped inside me raced to the surface. I couldn’t. That wasn’t a choice I had.
Tears rolled down my cheeks.
I wish…
Billy leaned over and his arms came around me. I rested my head on his shoulder, my arms about his neck. I needed someone to hug.
Billy’s arms and shoulders were really muscular. His body mass was double the size of Jason’s. He’d played football at school and college, and he’d studied sports and become a personal trainer. All that strength and solidity was reassuring.
But that’s what had got me into all the bullshit I’d fallen into back in the fall.
But I didn’t want to think of that. I just let him hold me while I reveled in the comfort and security.
Billy gave good hugs.
This was worth so much more than any conversation on a psychiatrist’s couch, or medication. Relief bloomed inside me, aching.
I’d needed to be held by someone outside my family.
His fingers combed through my hair. “Did you mean to end it, or were you crying out for help?”
I didn’t lift my head and didn’t answer. The ache of comfort was gone and instead the forest fire of guilt flared. I wouldn’t admit the truth; the truth was too awful. I didn’t have a good reason to give in.
The psychiatrist had told me, “Everyone has burdens to carry, and you shouldn’t feel guilty.” She’d said, “It’s stopped being about choice, the chemicals in your body are all muddled up so you can’t think straight.” I was on happy pills, and counseling now, and she’d promised me I’d feel better and I’d get out the other side.
I didn’t want to.
“Why did you go to Jason’s store…?” Billy’s fingers ran through my hair. I felt like a kid being comforted. It took me back years; to the years I’d been happy.
Why?
I didn’t answer. He probably thought it was for revenge. It wasn’t. My life had been there, I’d worked there for years, been Jason’s second half for years.
Who was I now? What was there to do?
“I’m sorry, Lindy. If you let me help, I’ll make everything up to you.”
He had nothing to make up, not really, everything that had gone wrong between him and me was my fault.
“Do you want to get away for a while? Just for a couple of weeks even? I swear to God, there’ll be nothing in it. No expectation on my part at all.”
I needed help. I needed to escape. Just until I could get back on track. “Yeah.”
His hands gripped my shoulders and moved me back. He looked like he didn’t believe what I’d said. “Yeah?” His voice questioned.
“Yeah.” I nodded, my vision clouding with tears. I needed to go somewhere and pretend my life wasn’t what it was––for a short vacation. “I’ll have to speak to the psychiatrist, though. When do you want to go?”
He smiled. Billy was so nice, his heart shone right out of his eyes along with his smile. He hurt for me. We’d been close, before everything went wrong. This was him trying to put it right again. But nothing could ever be right.
Tears rolled onto my cheeks as the flames of guilt flickered.
Mom…
Billy held me against his chest. His big, solid arms fencing me in and holding the world out.
I felt better, like I had in the fall…
And look where that had got us
.
I pulled away, looking at the house. Mom must be at the window. This wasn’t her fault.
“What about Saturday, two weeks’ time?” Billy’s voice came out husky. “I’ll cancel my client appointments. You get everything agreed with the hospital and your Mom and Dad, and we’ll just get out of here for a bit, so you can escape all this shit?”
“Thank you, Billy. You’re a good guy, you know that?”
He gave me an apologetic smile. “We both know that’s not true. But I will be now. I swear, Lind, just friends…”
“I better go back in.” I wiped my face on my sleeve, trying to wipe off the tracks of tears so Mom wouldn’t see them, but it wiped my foundation off too. I hoped my mascara hadn’t run. “Text me.”
“I’ll let you know what time I’ll pick you up.”
“Okay.” I tried to smile, then turned away, opened the door and slipped out of his SUV. I didn’t look back as I crossed the road and ran up to the house.
When I let myself in, Mom stood by the window. I knew she’d been watching.
“You okay?” she asked.
I nodded, “Yeah.” But I didn’t stay in the living room. I walked on to my room, threw myself face-down on the bed and sobbed some more.