I Need You (33 page)

“Goodbye, Billy.”

Outside on the porch I hugged Billy, my breasts loose underneath my pajama top. It felt as intimate as being naked. It was because he’d said he loved me.

He smiled at me and his fingers brushed beneath my chin, before he turned and walked away.

There was a warm, squeezing sensation in my belly, that I didn’t remember ever getting when Jason went away. When Jason had gone to New York I’d missed him worse than bad, and when we’d been at college I’d wanted him near. But it wasn’t the same.

I gripped the wooden pillar of the porch, watching Billy walk up the street, his hand lifted and combed back his hair, and when it lowered, it hesitated then lifted again and ruffled it to spike it.

I’d watched him do the same thing so many times. The gesture touched a soft spot in me. I smiled to myself, but then he looked back and he grinned when he saw me watching, lifting a hand. He turned to walk backward a few paces too and pressed a kiss on his fingertips and then blew it to me, before lifting both hands and making a heart shape.

I blew him a kiss back, then he turned away, and with a tight ache in my chest I turned to go inside.

Jason was absolutely right. We had been wrong together. I had said it yesterday, but had still not wholly believed it. I believed it now. Nothing Jason had done had ever been so sweet as the way Billy adored me.

Billy did love me…

Wow! A big smile pulled my lips wide when I went in to Dad.

Billy

Dad opened the door. “Where the hell have you been?”

“Hey, Dad.” I gave him a stupid grin. I should feel shit over what was going on for Lindy, but I couldn’t help the fizz of happiness. I’d said I loved her and it had made her smile and her eyes glow; she hadn’t run for the hills.

“You could have called your mother at least. She’s been frantic thinking you’re lying dead on the side of a road… She’s been awake half the night”

I was too wiped-out to get into an argument. I walked past him into the living room. I’d been through an emotional washing machine and then tumble-dried.

“I was with Lindy.”

“Lindy?” Mom appeared.

“Yeah, Lindy. I have to get to work. Can I get into the kitchen and make a coffee?”

“I’ll make your coffee. You sit down and tell me why you are spending more time with that girl…”

I laughed at the condemnation in her voice as she turned to get my coffee.

She looked over her shoulder. “It’s not funny.”

“We’re together…”

She stopped dead and turned back. “No.”

“I spent the night at her’s. Her mom is sick. Mrs. Martin has cancer. She’s dying. Lindy called me up when I was out with Jason and Rachel and asked me to go into the hospital and sit with her.”

“So she’s using you again…” I looked over as Eva walked in; she had her pjs on.

“She’s not.” I looked back at Mom. “Will you put the coffee on? I need to go shower; I have to work today.”

I looked back at Eva as I headed across the living room. “Apparently her mom has been sick for years. That’s why she’s been so weird…”

“Years? Miriam?” Dad challenged as I passed Eva.

“Yes, Dad. She didn’t want anyone to know. She’s embarrassed about it. You know what Lindy’s mom is like…” The same as Lindy––too worried about what others think.

“But that’s foolish…” Mom answered. “I haven’t seen her for a while but I thought she was just hiding away because of Lindy going off the rails. I thought she was embarrassed by her daughter––”

“Nope, Lindy didn’t even fall to pieces over Jason, she fell to pieces ‘cause her mom was diagnosed terminally sick four years ago.” I looked at Eva. “So, even if she is using me, I don’t give a shit anymore, because I make her feel better and I told her I love her and you should have seen the look in her eyes…”

“What look?”

“Like she thought it was awesome…” I grinned. “Mom, I’m gonna go shower. Will you make the coffee…?”

She nodded. Dad caught my gaze and nodded too.

I’d been cross-examined and the jury was gonna discuss. I doubted the verdict would be good. None of them believed Lindy was for real…

I did.

For the first time ever.

The grin was still on my face as I stepped into the shower.

Chapter Twenty

Billy

When I got in the SUV and picked up my cell, my hand shook a little. Partly ‘cause I’d drunk too much last night and partly ‘cause even though I’d been upbeat earlier, now it was time to find out if Lindy wanted to see me, doubt kicked.

I was gonna text, but that was cowardly. I found her number and called.

It rang a few times as I tapped my fingers in a rhythm on the wheel. Then it went into answer. “This is Lindy, I’m busy. Leave a message and I’ll call back.”

“Hey, it’s Billy, I’ve done working. Call me if you want me to come to the hospital, or anywhere else.”

The words echoed in my head as I ended the call,
or anywhere else.
That sounded pathetic. Please need me, Lind. Please love me back.

I threw my cell on the passenger seat, turned the key, revved the SUV and glanced in the side mirror before I pulled out.

My cell rang “Shit.”

There was a car behind me; I couldn’t pull straight in. I flicked my indicator and drove another couple of hundred yards then pulled back in and parked. My cell had stopped ringing.

It was Lindy.

I called her back. “Lind?”

“Billy.” Her voice came out breathless like she was glad it was me. My heart did a stupid back flip. “You’re done working? How did it go?”

“Great, apart from fighting a pounding headache. Are you at the hospital? Did you want me to come there?”

“No, Mom’s moved to the hospice, but yeah I’d like you to come here.” I could hear her smiling. Was that stupid?

“How’s your Mom?”

“A little better now she’s settled in here and on the pain-meds she needed. We had a long talk today. She’s sleeping now.”

“Do you want to go home, then?”

“No, I’m gonna stay until four, but she said she doesn’t mind you coming in the room, if you want to…”

Did I want to? For Lindy, I guess I did. “Okay. I’ll get out of my gym gear, then come.”

“Thanks, Billy.” Her words sounded like they came from her heart.

“You’re welcome, Lind. I’ll be as quick as I can.”

“I’ll meet you in reception. Text me when you leave home.”

“Okay.”

“Bye.”

“See you soon.”

“Okay.”

I chucked the cell back on the passenger seat, looked in the mirror, then pulled out.

We’d moved on––she was my girlfriend, and yet I still wasn’t sure where we stood.

No one was at home when I got there. I showered and threw some clothes into a backpack to head out.

When I went back into the living room, Eva and Mom were in there. “I’m gonna pick Lindy up from the hospice, where her mom is, and then I’m gonna stay at hers for a few days.”

Eva stood up, all bristling little sister. “Billy––”

“Don’t you want me to be happy?”

“That is what I want, but she makes you unhappy.”

Mom stood too. “I feel sorry for the Martins, but that does not mean I wish you hurt.”

I dropped my backpack on the floor, looking at them both. “Okay, it’s nice you care, but… Let me deal with it!” I glared at Eva, then Mom. “I’m going all in, and giving this the best chance it has.”

Eva’s eyes narrowed. The irritated look of a teenage girl.

Mom touched my arm, like she was about to try and talk sense into me. “Billy––“

“No. You know how much I want this. Just give me space and time to see if I can make it work.”

Doubt and worry surged through her gaze, while Eva’s eyes burned pure anger. Neither of them had any faith.

I had faith.

I looked at Mom. “Stay out of it.” My pitch held force.

Her hands lifted, palm out. “Okay. But you know what I think. I’ve warned you.”

“And you know what I think too,” Eva threw her cent in.

“Eva, you’ve never had a boyfriend. You can’t give me relationship advice.”

“I have a boyfriend. The boy on the bus asked me out!” Her voice lifted to a squeaky squeal.

I shook my head and grinned at her. “You have a day-old relationship and now you think you know it all. That does not make you the perfect mentor.” But I didn’t like the thought of Eva dating any more than she’d choose Lindy for me. “Come here.” I lifted my arm. She came over and hugged me. I hugged her too. “Being with Lindy is good for me. Whatever happens, I know I’ll have given it a shot. And you…well, you look out for yourself and make sure this boy adores you like you deserve.”

She laughed, slapping a palm against my abs to push me off.

I looked at Mom. “Trust me? And be nice to Lindy.” I turned my gaze on Eva, saying the same thing.

“Of course, I will be nice.” Mom answered. “Miriam is sick. But I just want you to be happy.”

“I will be.”

Mom came over for a hug. I set her away quickly. “I need to go, I’ll see you later.” I picked up my backpack.

“Would you tell Miriam we’ll pray for her…”

“I think it’s too late for prayers, Mom.”

“It’s never too late.”

I smiled.

“Give my good wishes to Lindy too,” Eva said.

I lifted an eyebrow at her. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, her Mom’s sick, even if she is a bitch to you.”

I smiled at them, then turned away. They had to get behind me on this.

In the SUV, my backpack on the back seat, I texted Lind. ‘Just leaving. Text me the zip code.’

‘Cool. Here it is. :D I’ll see you soon’

‘See you soon.’ My thumb itched to type “I love you”, but I figured it was best not to overdo the use of those words when she didn’t feel the same.

Billy

When I walked toward the reception, Lindy came out of the doors and as soon as she reached me she lifted to her toes and wrapped her arms about my neck.

She smelt good and she felt good. But I’d seen her hugging Jason like this too many times––it was too weird.

I had to make it different.

I squeezed her tight and picked her up. Her arms grasped me tighter as her face pressed into my neck.

“I love you, Lind.” The words couldn’t stay in me anymore.

When I put her down, she smiled.

Her hands gripped my head, then she lifted to her toes again and kissed me. Just a quick press on my lips.

My heart did that flip thing again.

She gripped my hand and turned, pulling me toward the hospital. “I’ll take you up to see Mom. She’s actually looking forward to a new face.”

Mrs. Martin didn’t look as bad as I expected, propped up on pillows, she had her makeup on. She smiled. But she looked tired, too thin, and she had a drip going into her arm.

“My Mom said to say she wishes you well… and you, Lind.” I looked over at her. She was busy painting her mom’s nails, she smiled at me. “Eva said it too.”

“That’s sweet of her.” She had no idea of the animosity my family felt toward her.

“Yes, that’s very kind,” Mrs. Martin added.

Lindy looked at her. “Why don’t you let people visit you, Mom, now you aren’t in so much pain, it might be easier––?”

“I think that may be nice.”

Lindy smiled, warming to this theme. “What if Billy’s and Jason’s moms organized a rota so people came for half an hour each day, then you would have some different conversation, but if you get tired you wouldn’t have to keep up appearances for long.”

Lindy looked at me. “Your Mom would do that, right?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

She looked back at her mom. “That’s the way to go, Mom.”

Mrs. Martin smiled a little – it was tight. It was the first time I’d got a hint of how much pain and discomfort she must be in. “That would be a pleasant relief,” she said looking at me before sighing out a careful, shallow breath. She was tired now. She wanted me to go, I could tell.

“I’ll talk to her.”

Lindy blew on her Mom’s freshly painted nails, then laid her mom’s hand on the covers. “We’ll go and let you rest before your dinner gets here, so you’ll be able to eat.” She’d noticed her mom was getting tired too. “Dad is coming again this evening. I’ll come back tomorrow.”

Her Mom’s eyes shut, but a smile played at the edges of her lips. She whispered. “Please tell him if I’m asleep, to come sit next to me and hold my hand. I’ll know he’s there.”

“Of course.” Lindy smiled. “I’ll refill your water before we go in case you want a drink.”

She picked up the jug and disappeared, leaving me alone with Mrs. Martin. I stood up, to follow Lindy, but I’d been sitting on the other side of the bed to Lindy and before I could move Mrs. Martin caught hold of my hand. “Billy…” It had hurt her to say my name and reach for me.

I looked down and met her gaze, sympathy cutting into my soul. “Yes, Mrs. Martin.”

“Do call me Miriam, Mrs. Martin sounds so formal and cold.” She tried for a smile, but it didn’t really work, it was too twisted by pain. “I want you to know Lindy’s been going through a hard time––”

“I know Mrs… Miriam. But––”

“You think a lot of her, I can see that. I don’t expect you to take responsibility for her, but just be gentle with her… look out for her for me, when I’m gone, and give her time. She was heartbroken when Jason went to New York, and when I go….” A tear rolled down her cheek.

Gripping her hand in both of mine, I sat back down. “I’ll make sure she’s okay…” But I didn’t think it was just Jason Lindy had been heartbroken over… “Don’t worry about Lindy. Even if she doesn’t want me around I’m gonna be around for her.”

The door to the room opened. I let Miriam’s hand go and straightened up. Lindy caught my movement as she came in with the full water jug, and her eyebrows lifted, as if to say––
what?
I just smiled.

Lindy

When we got back to mine, as I got out of the SUV, Billy grabbed his backpack from the backseat.

Something flipped in my belly when I saw him walk around the SUV with his backpack over his shoulder––in a good way. We had roots threading out into the ground.