I Surrender (9 page)

Chapter 15:

Needs

I
t has been a couple of months since I’ve been back home and I am somewhat resembling my former self. Jasper and I never discussed what nearly happened the night I got Oscar. It seemed easier for us both to pretend like it never took place. But by the hidden glances we have been giving each other when we believed the other wasn’t looking, we both know what happened.

That night had been singed into me, body and soul. No matter how hard I tried to look at Jasper as just a friend, I couldn’t stop thinking about our intimate moment and where it would have led if not for the interruption. This whole situation makes no sense, how can one man affect me so?

We hadn’t even kissed, it was ridiculous, but I knew that if we had there would have been fireworks. Corny but true.

So our denial suited us both fine, both too afraid to face the truth. We continue on like nothing happened, but when an accidental touch occurred or the other was caught out staring, the denial was not so easy to ignore. I don’t want to stop seeing him as often because he makes me happy. Jasper makes me feel alive again; he makes me feel like I am worth something.

But there is more than one troubling reason why kissing Jasper would have been a bad idea, and that would be Indie. I am not sure if he is still seeing her, in the naked sense that is. Why does that thought make my skin crawl?

I am at work and Jasper is sitting in a small brown booth, not his usual spot near the window. I can’t stop thinking about Indie. I could ask him, I reason with myself. Or I could drop not so subtle hints? I need to know what’s going on between them.

I pass by his seat and he reaches out to grab my arm. I freeze, it’s like an electric current has passed through me. I look down at his perfect long fingers which are setting my skin a blaze, while trying to ignore the galloping of my heart.

Jasper senses my immobilization, and a mysterious grin passes over his lips. He is so confusing and damned hot. This is why I swore off men, but Jasper isn’t just any man.

“When you get off work, come have a coffee with me okay?” I beam happily that he wants to spend time with me.

“Okay sure, I’m done in fifteen minutes.” Jasper runs his hands through his thick hair nervously. I suddenly feel tense, what does he have to say that would make him nervous. I look at my watch, only fourteen minutes and thirty five seconds until I find out.

*****

We are sitting in the cozy booth after my shift ends. I feel gross in my white coffee stained t-shirt and black jeans. My hair is pulled back into a tight ponytail and I wish we had a work bathroom I could freshen up in. Jasper looks immaculate as usual, well apart from the preoccupied look on his face. I noticed this look all morning and I can’t help but wonder why.

I nervously fiddle with the different sugars stacked messily in the canister next to me. I can feel Jasper examining me, which makes me all the more anxious. I decide color coding the sugar packets will be a great distraction in avoiding Jasper’s intense stares. Why is he acting so strange?

“Indie and I have stopped seeing one another,” he blurts out suddenly.

Okay that was not what I was expecting. Is this the reason why he seemed so lost in thought?

I offhandedly nod, but secretly his confession has sent euphoric shivers down my spine. I convince myself the reason for that happiness is because Indie is a tramp and he deserves better.

“I thought you would have something to say, seeing as you’re her biggest fan.” Jasper is looking at me, his eyebrow raised in question.

“Jasper my mother taught me, if I didn’t have anything nice to say, then it was best not to say anything at all. So in this instance my lips are sealed,” I reply smartly while sipping my scolding coffee and burning my lip in the process. That serves me right for being a smart ass.

I pull away quickly, running my tongue over my burnt lower lip. I look over at Jasper who is gazing at my lips in fervor; and a slow, sexy smile spreads across his luscious lips.

I am openly staring at him and I wonder if he’s thinking what I am. Oh Ava Thompson, get your mind out of the gutter!

After a few hot moments of undressing him in my mind and liking what I see, he interrupts my thoughts.

“So now it’s your turn.” He looks at me expectantly.

What were we talking about before I was envisioning his lips on mine? Oh yeah Indie. I can tell by the stern look on his face that the Indie topic is not up for further discussion, which is a shame as I have a hundred questions. I wonder when exactly he stopped seeing her. Was it before or after our almost kiss? I can feel a heat creep up my face thinking about the memory.

I clear my head and question, “My turn for what?”

“To tell me something interesting. Have you heard from Harper?” He half smiles while I nearly choke on my lemon tart.

When I think of the word interesting, Harper is not the first thing that pops into my head.

After a coughing frenzy attempting to dislodge my dessert I reply, “You and I don’t share the same opinion on what we consider interesting. Harper is on the opposite end of interesting. Way, way down the opposite end.”

“Fair enough, but I find your reaction to him interesting,” he replies calmly, his arms folded over his broad chest casually.

I on the other hand am far from calm. “Why?”

“Because he still gets to you. I thought you would be over him by now,” he says honestly.

I am angered by his insensitivity. He is sitting there all smug like, and I snap. “What the hell does that mean? He does not.”

“Yeah I think he does. It’s okay Ava I’m not having a go at you. I’m just surprised you still have feelings for him.” Jasper looks relaxed, almost contemplative. Did I just hear him correctly? He surely didn’t say I have feelings for the man who smashed my heart into a billion smithereens.

“I do not have feelings for him. The only feelings I have for him are ones where he’s beaten into a bloody pulp,” I bark. His comment infuriates me and I see red.

When I calm down enough to look at him, he has his hands up in surrender. “I’m just trying to understand you better. He must have been some guy if you still get so worked up talking about him.” Is he deliberately trying to piss me off?

Oh I take it back, I am absolutely livid.

“I’m getting worked up because Harper is an asshole. When I think about how stupid I was to please him, it makes me furious.” I feel my cheeks heat in annoyance and I hate how my body still constricts whenever I think about him.

“Yeah I can see that.” Jasper has the most annoying look on his face. He is finding this exchange between us entertaining. This man is so irritating but I can’t stay mad at him for long, as his look turns to one of dejection.

“Why do you want to talk about Harper?” I question suddenly very interested.

“Why not?” Jasper shrugs like that explains everything. A nagging thought occurs to me, is he trying to gauge my response to Harper? Is he happy that I am fuming at the mere mention of his name? Is Jasper fishing for information to find out if I still have romantic feelings for Harper?

Do I really want to go there? No.

I look into his carefree face and answer as sincerely as I can. “I don’t want to talk about Harper. You saw how I was when I came back from Singapore. Do you really want to be friends with that emotional mess of a person?”

I berate myself for asking such a stupid question as there is an uncomfortable silence that I can do without.

“Ava, I’ll take you any way I can have you.” Jasper winks as he takes a sip of his coffee.

I look at him across the small table; this is getting heated all of a sudden and I take a deep breath.

“In that case, I don’t want you to have the emotional, unstable blubbering Ava I once was. I like this Ava. This is me, after Harper.”

“Well in that case I like this Ava. I like this Ava a lot,” he chuckles delightfully.

Holy Crap, someone just turned the heating up, right?

*****

After my coffee date with Jasper I feel even more confused. That almost kiss, his hidden innuendos are driving me crazy. I need to talk to V about this but I know I am going to get an ‘I told you so.’ No one likes to hear that saying so why do people insist on using it. But I need some advice and I need it now, no matter how hard it may be to digest.

As I walk into the lounge room I see my friend lying on the couch watching some reality trash TV. I take a seat and look at her seriously. She turns to look at me. “What the fuck has happened with you two now?” How does she know?

I stare at the TV for a while, avoiding V’s gaze. I know once I say this, there will be no going back.

I take a deep breath and let it all out before I chicken out. “We almost kissed and now there is this weird flirting but not flirting going on between us. I’m so confused V. I never meant for this to happen. I never thought I would have… feelings for someone else after Harper.” That is the first time I have admitted I have feelings for Jasper. Of what nature I am unsure, but I definitely feel something for him.

V looks at me like I have lost my mind. “So what are you going to do about it?”

That’s it, no gloating? I am extremely surprised by her response but nothing should surprise me these days.

“I don’t know that’s why I’m talking to you.” I’m hoping she has the answers for my dilemma. V has a way of making things seem less complicated. But by the way she is looking at me, I have a feeling she will confuse me further.

“Ava how do you feel?” she responds while sipping her beer.

“I don’t know V. I don’t want to feel anything more for Jasper than friendship but I just can’t help it. There is something between us; it’s been there since the first minute we met. I should be turning away but I am drawn to him.” I put my head in my hands, confused and frustrated I feel so helpless to these emotions.

“Why should you be turning away? Just because you broke up with Harper, doesn’t mean you have to live your life a nun. You have found someone you have an amazing connection with, why deny it?”

When V explains things, everything seems so simple. But I know nothing about me and Jasper will ever be simple. But she is right and I know it all comes down to being terrified of the unknown with Jasper. I am scared to give him my all. I am just a big scaredy-cat!

“I just can’t put myself out there again and get hurt V.” I know I couldn’t handle my heart getting broken a second time, not so soon after Harper.

“What’s worse Ava? Not trying and getting hurt because you aren’t with him the way you want. Or trying something more than friendship, maybe getting hurt, but at least giving it an honest shot.”

My friend is so clever. I wish I could see things as clearly as her.

I sigh, blowing my fringe out of my eyes. “Why are you always right?” I mock.

V just shrugs like this isn’t a hard subject to figure out. I must be the only one that can see the danger in jeopardizing mine and Jaspers friendship by taking things further.

Great, I am no better off than I was before talking to V.

Life stinks.

“Stop with the sulking. Lucas is coming over soon and we can all hang out. He will cheer you up. He has an amazing ability to make anyone smile.” V beams thinking about her boyfriend. I on the other hand doubt Lucas can lift my mood. Anyway, the last time we ‘hung out’ V and Lucas snuck up to V’s room to have some alone time. That alone time ended in loud, earth shattering moans that I wish I could erase from my memory forever. I’m in no mood for a repeat performance.

*****

I am lying on the couch with my iPod and TV volume turned up to a ridiculous level to drown out the unspeakable moans coming from V’s room. I knew this would happen even though V promised I wasn’t going to be subjected to V and Lucas- The sex musical part two. I look at my watch, wow Lucas has stamina. Surely he can’t go on for much longer.

I think back to the last time I had sex. Sex with Harper was good, I think. I had nothing to compare it to. Harper was my first and it was nothing like what you saw in the movies or what you read about in those romance novels. I didn’t see the proverbial stars or collapse into an orgasmic ball of bliss. It was nice and it was familiar because it was with Harper. We weren’t really a sexual couple and he would make up for his lack of affections by purchasing me lavish unnecessary gifts. Little did he know, telling me he loved me every day was gift enough.

I bravely pull out a headphone listening intently, coast seems to be clear. I turn the TV down before the neighbors start banging down the door demanding I keep the noise down. I wonder which noise they would be referring to.

I am about to make a sandwich when I hear my friend calling out to a Devine entity to help her and some moans which color my cheeks into a deep crimson. God help us both I sigh. Reinserting my headphone I decide sleeping through this very public display of affection is my only option.

I am dozing off when I feel the couch dip beside me. I figure its Oscar snuggling up to me to escape the sexing that is happening upstairs. I reach down to pat him, but jump back petrified when I feel skin not fur. I open my startled eyes ready to hurl a weapon at the intruder, but instead I see Jasper’s amused face peering back at me.

I sit up, pushing my frazzled hair off my face. Jasper is looking extremely entertained by scaring the Bejesus out of me. What is this smug jerk doing here?

“Sorry.” He grins holding up his hands in surrender, I must look like I am about to attack. If I had something pointy handy I would be throwing it at his self-satisfied face.

“What are you doing here? How did you get in?” I ask looking at his flawless complexion.

He snaps me out of my daydream luckily, as staring at him five seconds longer I may have forgotten to swallow. “The door was unlocked. You girls really need to learn about stranger danger. I could have been a pervert wanting to get a front row seat to the orchestra you have going on upstairs.”

He is warmly laughing, he actually finds this funny. I on the other hand want to escape for another reason now. I am sitting with Jasper while my best friend is getting screwed six ways until Sunday. Can this get any more embarrassing? As I hear a squeaky bed squeak rapidly leaving nothing to the imagination, I feel my cheeks heat promptly.