I Want My Epidural Back (13 page)

Dear friend who's taking my kiddo for a sleepover tonight,

Here are some rules for it. Yeah, that's right, rules for YOUR house. Because she's coming back home to MY house tomorrow, and I don't need you F'ing up all the hard work I've put into her over the past six years. So here goes.

      
  1. If she wakes up in the middle of the night, you have my permission to tell her to “go the F back to sleep.” Just make sure the last words you say as you shut the door are something nice like, “night night, honey” or “sweet dreams.” You know, just in case it's the last thing she hears. That's what I do.

      
  2. Please do not cuddle with her or rub her back while she falls asleep. (a) That's creepy, and (b) she's gonna come back to my house asking for that shit and, well, homey don't play that.

      
  3. Please don't show her any scary movies or TV shows. Because if she comes home having nightmares about Chucky or Freddy or the Zombiepocalypse, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. The next time your kid comes to our house for a sleepover, I'm going
to get her nice and addicted to Caillou before I send her back.

      
  4. If your kid doesn't sleep in underwear, that's cool. For your kid. My kid sleeps in underwear. Period. There are three orifices down there and they need to be contained.

      
  5. If she says something like, “My mommy doesn't make me brush my teeth” or “At home I'm allowed to,” I fully expect you to send her home where she can do these things. And by “do these things,” what I really mean is get her ass kicked by me for lying and making me look like a shitty mom.

      
  6. Please do not let her drink a gallon of water before bed. She will try. She will complain that she's thirsty. She will be relentless. She will not, however, pay you back for the mattress she ruins if you can't tell her no.

      
  7. Don't cook her like the biggest, bestest breakfast in the whole wide world, like chocolate chip pancakes with extra chocolate chips buried under a mountain of whipped cream. The goal is to make her like you, not to make her like you MORE than she likes me.

      
  8. Please do not let her sleep with the lights on. Unless you are in fact offering to pay our electric bill for the next two years, in which case, do whatever the hell you want.

      
  9. Yeah, I know that she might stay up a little late giggling and shit, but please don't let her stay up till all hours of the night. 'Cause if she comes home acting like a monster tomorrow, I'm coming back to your house because I forgot something—to leave my over-exhausted kid there.

      
10. If I forgot to pack her an extra pair of underwear and you lend her a pair, don't expect them back for a while. Even if I see you a bunch of times. Because if we're in front of other people, I'm not handing you a pair of little girl's panties. That's how rumors get started.

11. If you need me to pick her up for any reason, don't hesitate to call me. AFTER 8:00 a.m. tomorrow.

That's it. Hope it's a blast!!

                                       
Love,

                                       
The mom whose ringer will be off tonight

Sometimes he transitions to his bed no problem. And sometimes I desperately need my afternoon “me” time and hell if I'm taking the risk.

HOLDEN:
I don't want these sheets!

ME:
I'll change them tomorrow buddy.

HOLDEN:
I HATE them!

ME:
I promise we'll change them first thing tomorrow.

HOLDEN:
I'm going to pee on them tonight.

ME:
Well then you'll be cold and wet until TOMORROW WHEN I CHANGE THEM!!!

Let the 3 a.m. standoff begin. You're F'ing with the wrong mommy, kiddo.

“I need water.” (Why, so you can pee in your bed?)

“My legs hurt.” (I hurt everywhere. Quit being a pussy.)

“The closet door is open a crack.” (Because the monster is watching you to make sure you go to sleep.)

“I want my door open.” (So you can hear The Walking Dead or me and Daddy doin' the nasty? Umm, no.)

“I need more stuffed animals in my bed.” (You sleep in a claw machine.)

“I didn't want this in my bed.” (Step 1: Throw it out. Step 2: Get brain checked for stupidity.)

“Look at this booger.” (Look at this middle finger.)

“My finger smells.” (Stop scratching your butt.)

“I forgot to brush my teeth.” (The sooner the tooth fairy will come.)

“The cat is in here.” (Lucky you, a real live stuffed animal!)

“I need to pee.” (Welcome to my world.)

“I need to poop.” (How is that possible? You didn't even eat today.)

“My covers fell off.” (Then you'll be cold until you put them back on, won't you?)

“My belly hurts.” (Do you have to toot?)

“My belly still hurts.” (Do you have to poop?)

“I tooted.” (I'll call the press.)

“I want my socks off.” (How on earth will we ever solve this problem?)

“I want my socks on.” (Sure, I can help you do that. Tomorrow morning.)

“I want my socks on my hands.” (Things nutjobs say for 400, Alex.)

“I had a nightmare.” (Amazing, since you weren't even sleeping yet.)

“What's that shadow?” (It's a shadow.)

“I heard a sound.” (Did it sound like a toddler being a whiny bitch? 'Cause that's what I hear.)

“I want to sleep with you.” (You sound like your father.)

“I want you to sleep with me.” (You're gonna say that to a lot of girls throughout the years and they're going to say no. Consider this practice.)

“I want my Thomas pajamas.” (I want my old boobs back.)

“Hi.” (Good-bye.)

“I love you.” (If you did, you wouldn't be doing this.)

“I'm tired.” (FU.)

Seriously, kid? You need like three books, nine songs, four sips of water, and to be tucked in perfectly with your stuffed animals all around you before you'll go to bed at night, but you can fall asleep sitting up at the table? WTF? I give up.

ME:
Okay, kiddo, here are your choices. You can totally drop your nap now and never give me a break all day until I literally go insane and kill myself and then you won't have a mommy for the rest of your life, OR you can keep napping until you're in kindergarten and then you get to keep having a mommy. It's up to you. Mommy or no Mommy?

DO YOU KNOW WHO INVENTED TELEVISION? NO
, neither do I. Which is probably a good thing, because if I knew I would tackle him and hug him to death when I run into him in heaven one day. Just kidding, I know they're not letting me in those Pearly Gates and really Satan has a blender full of margaritas waiting for me. But I digress. Anyways, back to our discussion about the most important thing on earth: television. Here's the thing. Even though I'm constantly wondering how much screen time is a good amount for my kiddos, zero hours has never been an option. Like when I'm flying with them on an airplane, I'm like holy shit, I can't believe parents used to do this without iPads. Or when I'm playing a riveting game of Barbies with my daughter and I'm surfing on my phone at the same time, sometimes I stop and wonder whether parents literally died of boredom before there were smartphones. Screen time helps me be a better mom and not kill myself. So thank you for saving my life, screen time. Me love you long time.