“Why you in Japan?” vanguard girl asked me as I signed her notebook.
“Vacation,” I said. “I’m on vacation.”
That triggered another wave of
oh
s and
ah
s, even more excited than before, and it wasn’t until I started repeatedly hearing the word ‘Joorian’ that I realized how I may have raised some false hopes.
“Oh, no no no,” I said and waved my hands in what I hoped to be international sign language for ‘no’. “I’m sorry, but the others are not with me, I’m afraid. Just me and my family on vacation.”
Confused looks and Japanese utterings, whose melody identified them as questions, prompted me to use more sign language. I played air guitar (because it seemed easier to identify than air keyboard) and shook my head. “No play concert. Just vacation. Holidays.”
Understanding nods and
ah
s.
“You rike Japan?” another girl asked me.
“Yes, I like it,” I said. “But it’s very hot.”
They all formed tiny little
o
s with their lips and made the corresponding sounds.
Yet another girl held up her mobile phone and asked me something in Japanese which, with the help of her hand gestures, I identified as ‘Can I take a picture?‘ or something to that effect.
I nodded. “Picture, yes. Sure. Why not?”
She coerced a passing shop assistant into taking her phone and explained to him what to do. The girls stood around me, facing the camera and making victory signs as the shop assistant said, “Cheezu!” and pushed the button. Then all the girls looked at me and smiled and bowed a million times, and they all repeatedly said the only Japanese expression whose meaning I was a hundred percent certain of: “Arigatou gozaimashita!”
Thank you very much.
“You’re very welcome,” I said, trying an awkward bow myself. “Thank you. Arigatou.”
Then they left, all their heads stooped over the picture on that girl’s phone, but after a few metres they turned around, bowed again and waved, and one of the girls said to me, “Joorian daisuki!” Then they all giggled and walked away. I later learned that the girl had said, ‘I love Julian’ in Japanese.
Well, don’t we all?
I left the bookstore, trying to come to terms with the fact that my brilliant plan to escape public attention by travelling halfway around the world to a country where I thought no one would recognize me had turned out to be a total failure. As I walked down the street and people kept staring at me, I knew that they weren’t staring at me simply because I was a foreigner. They were staring at me because I was a special foreigner, one that they knew from TV. At that point I really wanted to go back home and lock myself in my room for the rest of my life, but I couldn’t do that, could I?
What I could do, however, was to walk into the next convenience store and buy myself a pack of those surgical masks that were so popular in Japan, and not only with surgeons. A lot of sick people wore them to protect others from their evil germs. Others wore them to protect themselves from other people’s evil germs. And for all I knew some people might have been wearing them because they had ugly faces. It was difficult to tell because those masks covered your nose and mouth, which I guess was the whole point. As soon as I had paid for my face masks, I ripped the package open and put one of them on. The staring stopped immediately. People could still see that I was a foreigner—my eyes and my hair gave it away—but they could no longer tell which foreigner I was. They couldn’t even tell that I was grinning from ear to ear because all of a sudden I felt relaxed and safe from intrusion.
It took me another day or two to realize why it was no surprise that people would recognize me in the street if I didn’t wear my face mask. We were bloody big in Japan. Puerity was all over the place. The situation wasn’t much different from home or—as far as I could tell—any other place in the world. Music shops were displaying Puerity posters and selling Puerity CDs, tons of them. Merchandise shops were selling Puerity posters and T-shirts. Fangirls and fanboys were wearing their school uniforms in the middle of the summer holidays as they were listening to Puerity songs on their mobile devices. At least that’s what I assumed, so I emailed Michael and asked him, ‘How are our sales going in Japan?’
‘Amazing,’ he replied. ‘Fourth place after UK, U.S., and Germany.’
And of course we were on TV a lot. It was mostly just Julian and his latest escapades in America, but whenever there wasn’t anything new and exciting to report from the States, Japanese TV would replay some of our previous greatest moments; our school anniversary, our frequent appearances on
Inside Momoko
, our gigs in Berlin and Rome. Most of it was just Julian, though, and his highly successful attempts to stir up the American media. Every day he appeared on two or three TV shows—in addition to his other public engagements like speeches and performances—and he rarely did so without creating some controversy. Julian’s message, his agenda if you like, fell on very fertile soil in America. Especially evangelical Christians proved to be very worthwhile and rewarding opponents for Julian, because they made it so easy for him to expose their bigotry and the card house of contradictions that were their beliefs.
There was one very memorable panel discussion in front of a studio audience on one of the cable news networks where Julian and a member of the
Southern Alabama Hunting Association
, a remarkable specimen of a redneck by the name of Billy Ray Arbuckle, locked horns over the issue of hunting as a sport. The whole thing started out from Julian’s simple premise, the core of his agenda: God does not exist.
“Well then let me ask you something, my dear young friend,” said Billy Ray with that extremely unpleasant southern drawl. “If there is no God, then why don’t you just run around all day stealin’ and rapin’ and murderin’ as much as you want?”
“But that’s exactly what I do,” Julian said, and his subtle smile gave away to the avid observer that he knew exactly where he was going with this.
Billy Ray, however, was not an avid observer. At first he looked puzzled, but then he spotted his chance to make a point about immoral atheists. You could see how his face lit up, and he was getting ready to shoot, but Julian beat him to it.
“I run around all day and do exactly the amount of stealing and raping and murdering that I want, which is
none
. The reason why I don’t have any such inclinations is not because I’m afraid of God’s punishment. The reason is that I don’t want to live in a world where people steal and rape and murder all day, and I believe the best way to prevent others from behaving like that is to not behave like that yourself. No man is an island. We all share this world with one another, and we all share the responsibility that comes with being a role model. Like it or not, but we are all role models for each other, and we all must try to create a world that we want to live in. But even if you don’t think it’s your shared responsibility to make the world a better place for everyone, you still don’t need God and the threat of an eternity in hell, because there is punishment awaiting you in this life. There are policemen, judges, juries, and prisons. If anything, it is the law that keeps most people, religious or non-religious, from stealing, raping and murdering, not God.”
“That is very nice an’ all,” Billy Ray said, “But what you fail to understand, my young friend, is that God has given us the law. Man-made laws are based on the moral compass that He has given us in the Bible.”
Bringing up the Bible was a grave tactical error by Billy Ray. He was neither the first nor the last person to find out that Julian knew his scripture better than almost anyone else.
“Bible law,” Julian said. “You mean, such as Leviticus 20:9, anyone who dishonours his father or his mother shall be put to death? Or Leviticus 24:16, whoever blasphemes the name of the Lord shall be put to death? Or Leviticus 25:44, you may have male and female slaves from among the nations that are around you? Are you saying, Billy Ray, that
this
is your moral compass? Are you supporting slavery? Are you supporting the death penalty for blasphemers and unruly children?”
Billy Ray was squirming in his chair. “Well, these are all examples from the Old Testament, obviously. We have an Old Testament and a New Testament. I believe that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Saviour. The Old Testament was what we had before we were blessed by the teachings of Jesus and his sacrifice when he died for our sins.”
“So what do you think Jesus would say about hunting animals as a sport? Do you think Jesus would approve of you killing the Lord’s creation for purely recreational purposes?”
“I don’t kill animals just for fun,” Billy Ray said. “I eat’em, too.”
The audience laughed.
“I see,” Julian said. “Have you ever noticed, though, that the only animals Jesus has ever eaten in the New Testament were fish?”
Billy Ray thought about that for a moment, desperately trying to remember an instance where Jesus may have had Buffalo wings or a big, juicy steak, but of course none such instance did exist. “I was not aware of that.”
“What does that make you think about Jesus’ attitude towards killing animals, Billy Ray?”
“I wouldn’t know about that,” Billy Ray said. “All I know is that Jesus said that he had not come to abolish the law but to fulfil it. And in the Bible God clearly tells us to ‘Be fruitful and fill the Earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the Earth.’
Julian nodded. “Go on.”
“No,” Billy Ray said. “That’s it. God wants us to have dominion over the natural world. That’s what He made it for. That was my point.”
“Oh, I see,” Julian said. “That was a quote from the book of Genesis, yes? So you do believe in the Old testament after all.”
“It is the word of God.”
“The quote you were so kind to give us was Genesis 1:28. Why don’t you go on and tell us what the Lord said in Genesis 1:29?”
Billy Ray had to think again. “I can’t do that off the top of my head, I’m afraid.”
“Of course you can’t,” Julian said triumphantly, “because you treat your Bible like a pick’n’mix. Take whatever you like, whatever fits your purpose, and ignore all the rest. But don’t worry, Billy Ray, I can help you out. In Genesis 1:29 God says, ‘Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the Earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for food. And to every beast of the Earth and to every bird of the heavens and to everything that creeps on the Earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have every green plant for food.’”
Billy Ray nodded emphatically. “That’s right.”
“You notice something, Billy Ray?”
He shrugged. “Not sure what you’re gettin’ at, son.”
“Well,
poppa
, what I’m getting at is the fact that it doesn’t say anything about eating animals. God says He has given us plants for food. What makes you think He wants us to eat animals?”
“I suppose ...” Billy Ray cleared his throat. “I suppose if He didn’t expressly mention it He’s fine with us having a little barbecue every once in a while.”
The audience laughed again.
“He didn’t specifically mention it in Genesis. But let’s try a different aisle in your little pick’n’mix shop, shall we, Billy Ray? In Isaiah 66:3 God says, ‘He who slaughters an ox is like one who kills a man.’”
“Yeah, I do not agree with that,” Billy Ray said.
“You don’t agree with the word of God?” Julian taunted him. “Are you saying God is wrong?”
Billy Ray wiped sweat from his forehead. “All I’m saying is that animals ain’t got no soul like us humans do. They’re just animals.”
“Do they not?” Julian asked.
“I don’t think so.”
“In Luke 28 Jesus heals a man who is possessed by demons. In verse 33 it says, ‘Then the demons came out of the man and entered the pigs, and the herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and drowned.’ How can demons possess pigs if pigs don’t have a soul? Can you explain that to me, Billy Ray?”
Billy Ray shook his head. “I’m no expert on demons, son. Or pigs, for that matter.”
“You’re not an expert on anything, Billy Ray,” Julian said very calmly and with the merciful smile of one who knows that he could crush his opponent if he wanted to. “Especially not on your holy book and the teachings of the man you regard as your Lord and Saviour.”
Billy Ray didn’t have a response to that, and there were cheers and jeers from the audience. Julian had won most of them over with his patent-pending mixture of charisma and reason. By the time I watched the video on YouTube, most of the media had already agreed that Julian had won this battle, one of many battles that he fought and won. Although the result wasn’t that obvious if you looked at the YouTube ratings for this video. It had received 1792 thumbs up and 1343 thumbs down. Many of the videos of Julian’s American TV appearances had a similar like/dislike ratio, but YouTube ratings were a tricky thing. I often wondered if people really knew what they were doing when they clicked either button. If a vlogger made a video in which they exposed a case of government corruption, and brilliantly and eloquently described the system that let this kind of corruption happen, most people who liked the video and agreed with the vlogger would vote it thumbs up. However, some people who liked the video and agreed with its message would vote it down because they hated corruption and it was a video about corruption. In their simple logic, if it was a video about something they didn’t like, they had to vote it down, even if they thought it was a brilliant video. Some people had a weird way of thinking like that, but I guess they were just confusing the messenger with the message.