If I Can't Have You (43 page)

Adriana.

He’d prayed continually for the moment he’d return to her, prayed to the God he finally believed in, and he had no doubt at all that he’d shortly be back in the arms of the woman he loved.

The light touch of a woman’s hand on his shoulder snapped him out of his musing. “Trevor?”

He blinked away his memories of happier times, and smiled at Janet—the woman who’d called him back to her solitary hospital room, to his lonely existence, to a time one year before the horror began.

“You had that odd look in your eyes again, Trevor,” Janet said. “You seemed to be off in another world. Were you thinking about... that woman again?”

He’d told her months ago that there was someone else in his life, someone he’d love forever. She hadn’t wanted to believe it, but was slowly, regretfully accepting the truth. Janet could have his friendship—but not his heart. That was already taken.

“I think of her always,” he said softly. “You know that, Janet.”

“I suppose. Of course, I occasionally wish you’d forget all about her. She’s such a mystery, I often wonder if she really exists, or if she’s just a convenient excuse to keep me at bay.”

Trevor lightly brushed his knuckles over Janet’s cheek, and avoided her comment. Adriana was real. No dream could be so wonderful.

“Care to dance with me?” he asked, and Janet floated into his arms. He swirled her about the room, leading her with the slight press of his hand against hers. When the music calmed, he slowed their pace, and looked into Janet’s pretty and innocent face.

“I heard what happened this morning. I’m sorry, Janet.”

He could sense her fighting back a tear, and her eyes clouded over in a faraway stare. “Carole told Jack she’d quit if he didn’t get rid of me. I don’t know why she hates me so much.”

“She doesn’t hate you,” he lied, wishing that his words were true.

“She does.” Janet rested her head against Trevor’s shoulder. “I hate her, too,” she whispered. “Sometimes I wish... I wish she’d go away and never bother me again.”

“Carole’s not going anywhere, but neither are you. I told Jack I’d quit if he got rid of you.”

Janet tilted her head, her perfect brows raised in question. “You did?”

“Of course I did. He didn’t care much for the position I’d put him in, so he informed me that if I didn’t fulfill my contractual obligations I’d never work in this town again. Then I reminded
him
that you can’t force someone to be a good actor if they don’t want to be.” Trevor winked. “It didn’t take long for him to see my point.”

“You shouldn’t have done that, Trevor. Your career’s too important to you.”

“You’re important, too, and I want you to be happy.”

“Then come home with me tonight. I’ve got champagne chilling. I was hoping we might celebrate our success together.”

Trevor shook his head, realizing too late that turning Janet down was a mistake.

“Why?” she asked abruptly. “Are you spending the evening with Carole? She told me you’re lovers. She told me you’re thinking of moving into the beach house with her.”

Trevor silenced her words with an index finger to her lips. “I have no interest at all in Carole. Don’t let her get to you. She’s just a selfish, lonely woman. I know she’s vindictive, but she can’t hurt you unless you let her.”

“Then you don’t love her?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Do you love me?”

“As a friend. The best of friends. I know you want more, but...”

“But there’s another woman,” Janet interrupted. She sighed, and a faint, acquiescent smile slowly touched her lips. “As long as I know it’s not Carole, I suppose I can accept it.”

Trevor swirled Janet twice around the floor, hoping to soften his rejection. He swayed with her, leading her toward one end of the ballroom, close to where Charlie Beck was snapping photos.

Dancing nearly cheek to cheek, he whispered, “It’s hard to be in love with someone and not have the feeling returned, isn’t it?”

“Very hard,” Janet acknowledged. “You must think I’m silly.”

“No. You’re a sweet lady, and you deserve someone just as special.”

She laughed lightly. “Most-men aren’t looking for a sweet lady.”

“That’s not true. Charlie Beck’s in love with you. You do know that, don’t you?”

Janet leaned back, and Trevor could see the familiar twinkle in her eyes. “He doesn’t hide it very well, does he?”.

“He’d do anything for you if you gave him half a chance.”

“He’s still a boy.”

“He loves you,” Trevor stated, stressing the fact once more. “I hear he’s a good dancer, he’s got a promising career ahead of him as a photographer
.
”

“He likes roses,” Janet said wistfully. “He was always so nice when he visited me in the hospital. I’d somehow forgotten that.”

“He’s a good man, Janet.”

“He’s not you, though.” Resting her cheek against his, Janet remained silent for several moments, obviously deep in thought. Finally, she said, “I suppose I’ve been holding on, hoping you’d forget that other woman and want me.”

Trevor shook his head. “I can’t forget her.”

He saw the sadness in Janet’s eyes, the hint of a tremble on her lips as she moved out of his arms. “Maybe I should ask Charlie to dance with me.”

“He’d like that.” Trevor stroked away a tear from the corner of her eye, and smiled. “He might enjoy that champagne you have chilling at home, too.”

“Possibly. Maybe he’ll even accompany me to Sparta tomorrow.”

“I hope so.” He
winked
as Janet backed away. “I want to see you happy.”

Trevor watched Janet’s gaze flicker from his eyes, to his lips, then back again. A hint of a smile tilted the corners of her mouth. She blew him a kiss, then spun around and glided across the floor to Charlie.

She whispered something into Charlie’s ear, and
his eyes beamed with joy as he pushed his camera to his side and took her into his arms.

“Consorting with lunatics, I
see,” Carole breathed in that deep, resonant voice that had long been her signature, along with pouting lips and curves shaped by the gods. “I just don’t understand you, Trev.”

“What don’t you understand?” he asked, standing casually, his hands once again tucked into the pockets of his trousers, while Carole fingered the buttons of his coat.

“I don’t understand why you’d want to spend time with a girl like her. Why you’ve changed so drastically.”

“Changed?”

“A year ago you were climbing into my bed every week or so. You’d treat me like a queen, even though you’d leave before morning. You used to take me dancing, buy me drinks. But you stopped—just like that,” she said, snapping her fingers in front of his face. “You’re just no fun anymore. No drinking. No smoking, and as far as I can
determine
, no sex, either. Has something gone wrong?” she asked, glancing slowly down his jacket and pausing briefly at a spot just below his stomach, before her gaze crawled up him again. “It’s such a pity, Trev.”

“If you’re trying to find a way to determine if my manhood’s still intact, you’re failing miserably.”

“Oh, Trev, darling. I’m only teasing.” She snaked a finger up his shirt and seductively stroked his ear and jaw. “I have no one to go home with tonight. How about you?” she cooed. “Wouldn’t you like to help me forget all those nasty things my ex said to me? Wouldn’t you like me to help you forget whatever it is that’s been troubling you all these months?”

“Sorry, Carole, but I have other plans.”

Her neck stiffened, and she drew her hand from
his face. “With who? Not with Janet, I hope.”

“Actually—”

“
That little bitch,” Carole spit out before Trevor could tell her he was going home to write a letter to the woman he loved.

“She’s so damn sweet,” Carole continued to rave. “God, but she grates on my nerves. How could you possibly want a crazy woman like that?”

“She’s a friend, Carole. A good friend. You should try to like her.”

“You have such a bleeding heart. When will you ever learn that being nice gets you nothing in this world?”

“And when will you ever learn that you can’t hide your fears behind an overblown ego?”

“How dare you!” Carole snapped, swinging a hand toward Trevor’s face.

He caught it just before it connected, and held on tight. “I dare because I did the same damn thing. If I’d kept on hiding, God only knows what would have happened. I drank too much. I thought it could mask all the hurt I was feeling inside, but it didn’t
.
It just made me drunk. So damn drunk that at times I didn’t know what I was doing.”

“I don’t really care about your troubles,” Carole stated flatly, as she tried to pull away.

“Well I care about yours.”

“Like hell! No one cares. No one in this whole goddamned world cares about me. Not you, not my ex, not Jack Warner. No one. Now let go of my arm, so I can get out of this hole.”

She jerked away and ran through the crowd, all eyes on her.

Trevor plowed his fingers through his hair. What had he done? He’d made her angry. She’d even had tears in her eyes when she pulled away from him.
Tears.
Something he’d never seen on Carole Sinclair’s face—except when she was acting.

But these tears weren’t part of a script. He had to go to her. He had to tell her he was sorry.

A narrow path cleared as he stalked through the merry-making partygoers. He breezed past his friends in his rush to catch up with Carole, to apologize for his insensitive comments, but Janet caught his arm.

There were tears in her eyes. “Please. Don’t go with her.”

“She’s upset. She needs someone.”

“Does she need you more than I did? Did you lie to me so you could go with her?

Trevor shook his head. “No, I didn’t lie.”

‘Then don’t go.”

“I need to apologize to her, that’s all.”

“That’s never all there is where Carole’s concerned. She’ll dig her claws in you and never let you go.” A tear trickled down Janet’s cheek. “Please, Trevor. You told me to ignore her. You should do the same thing.”

Trevor knew Janet was right, but he couldn’t let Carole leave angry. He’d apologize, and then he’d return to the party.

Charlie sauntered out of the crowd and slid an arm around Janet’s waist. “Come dance with me, Janet.”

She wiped the tear from her face and looked at Charlie, offering him a trembling smile. “Did you ask the band to play my favorite song?”

“Of course I did. I asked them to play a few others, too. I thought we could dance all night—if you’re willing.”

“I’d like that,” she said, and turned to Trevor once more.

“Let her go, Trevor. Be good to yourself for a change. You don’t have to help everyone.”

She swept long fingernails gently over his cheek,
smiled weakly, and headed for the dance floor with Charlie.

Trevor took a deep breath. All he planned to do was apologize for his heartless words, then he’d come back inside and watch Charlie persuade Janet to love him.

He caught up with Carole as she stepped into her chauffeur-driven Lincoln. He climbed in after her, hoping she’d accept his apology, then listen to reason and keep away from the beach house. Logic told him he should stay as far away as possible from Carole tonight. Yet, even though he was trying to change the future, he had a horrid fear that something might happen to Carole if he left her alone.

“Don’t go,” he said softly, repeating Janet’s steady refrain as he took a seat on the cold black leather and wrapped his fingers lightly around Carole’s arm.

Once more she jerked away and anger flashed in her eyes. “Get your hands off of me. I don’t want you or anyone else telling me what to do or what’s wrong with my life.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Save your sorries for simpering bitches like Janet. I don’t need to hear them.”

“Stay here, Carole. We’ll get coffee and talk”

“Coffee?
Talk?” S
he laughed. “You think I still want to give you another chance to prove you’re a man?”

“I think you don’t want to be alone, that’s all.”

“Go to hell.”

“I’ve been there already. I have no intention of going back.”

She laughed again. “You’re just as demented as your little friend.”

She knocked on the glass that separated her from the driver. “You’d better get out, Trev. I plan on
getting the hell out of here, and the sooner the better.”

He touched her arm one more time, and she jerked away. “Get out.”

Tears streamed down her face as she screamed the words. She was lonely, tortured, and she needed someone desperately.

He should stay with her.

No, he should climb out of the car right now, and stay the hell away from her.

The Lincoln’s engine started, and he took a deep breath, rehashing his options, then closed his eyes and prayed that he’d made the right decision.