“I’m fine,” she said softly.
He watched her for a moment, as if trying to figure out a puzzle. “I know we’re not together,” he finally said, “but I’m here for you anyway. I can tell something’s wrong. Do you want to talk about it?”
“I miss my dad,” she whispered down at her coffee, afraid to look Jordan in the eyes. “I miss my mom, too, even though she’s still alive and only a few hours away. I know I sound childish, but it hurts, and I
—
” She looked up at him, meeting his eyes as red and yellow lights from the traffic slid across his face. “I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you, Jordan. I like you a lot and I don’t want to hurt you. I already told you about Kent and Owen, but there’s something I haven’t told you.”
Could she tell him? She wanted to, so badly. She thought about her journal falling into the trashcan, about Tam telling her she hadn’t changed one bit, and she knew that if anything was going to change, it had to start here.
“What didn’t you tell me?” He leaned forward, pushing aside his coffee.
“I didn’t tell you that I mixed you up with them.”
His brow furrowed. “Huh?”
Panicking for a moment, she glanced out the window and counted to twenty. Would she sound completely ridiculous?
“I forget things really easily,” she explained in a breathless voice, meeting his eyes again. “It’s not something I tell many people. I forget faces and names, and for a little while, I thought you and Kent and Owen were one person. When I realized my mistake, it was too late, and that’s how … how I ended up liking all three of you. I’m sorry. I know it sounds stupid, but I
—
”
“Avery, slow down. It’s okay.”
A smile lifted his lips, and she was pretty sure it wasn’t an amused smile, but one of relief.
“No, listen,” she said before her courage drained completely dry. “I don’t want to end up hurting you. You’ve been hurt enough with your wife’s death.” She put a hand to her forehead. “I can’t remember her name.”
His smile fell. “Callie.”
“Yes, Callie. See, I’ve hurt a lot of people on accident. If you’re looking for someone solid you can count on … I’m … I’m not that person. I know how long you’ve been alone now, and you say I’m different, but I
—
”
“Avery, I said it’s okay.” He reached out and touched her wrist, brushing his fingers over her watch, just as Kent had done. “I’m not expecting anything, okay? Giving you a ride here isn’t something you have to repay me for, and I’ve already told you dinner this Friday isn’t something you have to do if you don’t want to.”
She’d forgotten about the dinner on Friday. She blinked.
“Have you told Kent and Owen what you just told me?” he asked.
She shook her head.
“Oh, okay.” Sitting back in his chair, he wet his lips and looked out the window. Now it was his turn to be distant.
“You don’t think I’m crazy?” she asked, confused. It was as if she’d thrown a great weight off her shoulders. She felt relieved but anxious.
“Crazy?” He looked away from the window and gave her an understanding smile. “No, not at all. I kind of figured you had a problem remembering things already.”
Oh, no.
“You did?”
“Yeah. I’ve noticed you repeat things a lot, but it’s no big deal.” He flashed her a smile. “I think it’s endearing.”
Tam had thought her forgetfulness was endearing, too, and that hadn’t carried over when jealousy entered the equation.
“Well, you’ve been warned,” she said. “So don’t forget it.”
His eyes twinkled over his coffee cup. “Even I forget things sometimes, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget that you mixed me up with Kent. How that’s even possible, I have no idea.”
She sighed. “I think I’m attracted to blondish hair and blue eyes. You all have that going on.”
“Kent’s eyes are more gray, aren’t they?”
She squinted, trying to remember Kent’s eyes. His eyes or Owen’s eyes had dark blue rims around a lighter blue iris, but she couldn’t remember whose was whose. She had probably written it down in her notebook, but it was too late to look that up now.
“I honestly don’t know,” she mumbled.
“And Kent’s hair isn’t really that light, is it? It’s more like a dark blond, I guess. I just can’t see how we look even remotely alike.”
He was teasing her now, and she set down her cup and rolled her eyes. “It happened, okay? If you want me to go out with you on Friday, you can’t tease me about this. And don’t tell anyone, please. Especially Kent. Heaven knows, but don’t talk to her about it.”
“Oh, Heaven,” he laughed. “She was still at my house when I got home on Tuesday. She told me I won’t win the challenge if it’s you I bring on Friday. She said it won’t count unless we’re dating exclusively. She’s just being a brat so don’t worry about her. I’d still like you to come.”
Avery folded her arms. “And if we were dating exclusively, what then? Would you get some sort of prize or something?”
“I would get the satisfaction of knowing I met her challenge, but I’ll feel like I’ve met it either way, so don’t worry. We don’t have to be dating.”
She wondered if hanging out with him was the same as dating. Probably not. As they rode back home, she tried not to love the way it felt to hold on to him. He was confident and in control about everything in his life, even the hard things he’d gone through. It was impossible not to love the way it felt to be wrapped around someone like that. She had told him about her forgetfulness
—
about one of the most embarrassing mistakes she’d ever made
—
and he’d shrugged it off. She supposed that compared to losing a spouse from cancer, her little weaknesses were insignificant to him. He probably saw the world on a much larger scale. It was something she wanted in her own life, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to cross the bridges it might take to get there.
18
The hardest thing about Avery’s mother’s birthday was how empty it felt now that her dad was gone. It didn’t matter that her mom had told Avery not to worry about celebrating it, or even remembering it anymore. It didn’t matter that her dad had been deployed during several of her birthdays in the past. It came no matter what. Just like her dad’s birthday. Just like the anniversary of his death.
When Avery rolled over in bed Saturday morning her heart felt heavy with grief. She slid her eyes past the picture of her dad and the marlin to the neatly wrapped present she’d bought for Chloe last night. She had picked out a picture frame
—
probably the most boring, thoughtless gift she’d ever chosen. But inside the card taped to the front she’d written that she was going to hire a photographer to take a picture of her and Chloe together, aunt and niece, because there were no photos of her and Chloe on the already cluttered walls. It had literally been the only thing Avery could think of to buy her last night. Jordan said it was a thoughtful gift.
Padding into the kitchen, Avery wasn’t surprised to see Chloe busy making breakfast, just like any other Saturday.
“I should make you breakfast today,” Avery said, yawning as she sat down at the table and poured herself a glass of orange juice.
Chloe shrugged and slid a muffin from the tin she’d just pulled from the oven. “You know I love cooking for you.”
Avery smiled. Her mother liked to cook too, but not with as much enthusiasm as Chloe. She wondered if they even called each other on their birthday.
“Honey butter or peach jam?” Chloe asked as she split the muffin with a butter knife.
“The butter sounds good.”
A moment later, Chloe set the plate in front of Avery and sat down with a cup of coffee. “What are your plans today? School work or more dates?”
Avery realized those were pretty much the only things she ever did lately. She took a big bite of muffin, wondering when the right time would be to give Chloe her present. She swallowed. “I thought we could spend the day together after I call Mom. Maybe we could go into town and you can show me some of your favorite places?”
Chloe’s eyebrows went up. “No dates, then?”
“Nope. It’s your day today.”
“My day?” She took a long sip from her coffee, looking confused. “What do you mean? It’s just another Saturday.”
Another birthday ignorer. So be it.
Finishing her muffin, Avery wiped her mouth with a napkin and stood up to make herself a cup of coffee. “So? We can still spend the day together, right?”
“I’d like that … if you’re really sure about it. I mean, the only places you’ve wanted to be seen with me are the supermarket and campus.”
Avery paused in the middle of grating her nutmeg. She hadn’t thought of it that way, but Chloe was right. She’d been living here for a month now and she hadn’t once asked Chloe to take her anywhere.
“School’s been busy, that’s all,” Avery explained, finishing with the nutmeg.
“Not to mention the boys,” Chloe laughed.
“I’ve only been on two dates. It’s not that big of a deal.”
Actually, it was a huge deal, but she was sure Chloe already knew that.
“I suppose not, but I’m happy you want to spend time with your boring old aunt.”
“Then what should we do today? You pick.” She almost added, “since it’s your birthday,” but decided to keep it low-key. They’d get to that later.
“Maybe lunch downtown? Some shopping?” Chloe’s eyes looked brighter and brighter every second. Avery sat down and sipped at her coffee, her heart warming up at the sight. Chloe was so easy to please. Unlike her mom, who was picky about too many things.
Chloe clapped her hands together. “Maybe after that we’ll head over to Bainbridge Island for dinner. There’s a new art museum there, and some great bookstores. We could see a movie. You in the mood for that?”
Avery smiled. “Anything you want, Chloe. Let me go call Mom and then we can get going.”
In her bedroom, she changed her clothes and sat in front of her closet to look for a pair of shoes as she waited for her mom to answer the phone.
“Hey, Avery!”
“Hi, Mom. So, I, uh … I forgot to send you something for today.” Avery pushed aside a pair of boots and looked for her favorite striped flats.
“For today?” her mom laughed. “What do you mean?”
Her heart sinking, she grabbed the flats and set them in her lap. “Your birthday. I was going to send you a card, but I forgot to do it in time. I know you hate your birthday and everything, but I
—
”
“Honey, my birthday is next Saturday.”
There was a long pause as Avery let the information seep in.
“Oh, honey, you’re so cute when you mix up your dates,” her mom said.
More silence. Avery didn’t know what to say. How could she have been so stupid? All that worrying over nothing when she’d had a whole extra week to get a card sent off and buy something for Chloe. Why hadn’t she checked it on her phone calendar? She had only written “Saturday” on the Post-it reminder, which had been thrown out with the others. Of course she’d mixed it all up.
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
“Don’t worry about it. Did you do something for Chloe too?”
“I bought her a present, but I haven’t given it to her yet.”
“Then she’ll never know you got it wrong, right?”
Her mother was taking on the tone Avery had loved growing up
—
the tone that said it was okay for her to make mistakes and feel stupid because it would all work out in the end. Now, however, she resented it with every fiber of her being. She didn’t want it to be okay. Getting stuff wrong like this
—
over and over and over
—
wasn’t okay.
She quickly changed the subject, and after fifteen minutes of talking about school and her mom’s new illustration project, she said goodbye and slipped on her favorite pair of flats. At least, she’d thought they were her favorite. Halfway through Bainbridge Island she had blisters on her heels.
* * *
For the next week, Avery concentrated on school and nothing else. It was difficult to hold everything together without her notebooks and Post-its. She had her class notebooks, of course
—
she couldn’t survive school without those
—
but when it came to social things, she’d completely given up writing anything down.
Kent sat next to her in class on Monday and they had some sort of conversation she had forgotten by Friday. She studied with Owen on Tuesday and Thursday, taking advantage of the nice weather to eat hot dogs beneath the cherry trees. She couldn’t remember much of those conversations either
—
only that Owen was trying really hard not to give her the impression that he wanted more than friendship. She knew he wanted more, but keeping him at a distance was for his own good. Deep down she knew she’d already chosen Jordan. Her relationship with him was like riding on the back of his bike. It was new and exciting and scared the hell out of her at the same time. The most frightening thing of all was how badly she wanted more.
But then she would remember Callie and it would all slip away.
She couldn’t hurt him, and she knew without a doubt that her forgetfulness would hurt him somewhere down the line, no matter how much he said he understood. It was as inevitable as rain in Seattle. Her only hope was to fix her forgetfulness, something she’d at least taken the first step toward by throwing away all those notebooks. Her brain was a muscle. She’d train it to remember, and then maybe, just maybe, things could work with Jordan.
She smiled to herself as she walked up the stairs to her biology class on Friday. This was where she had run into him two weeks ago, where she’d been mortified that her Post-its had stuck to his leg. It made her laugh now, and she was thrilled by how much she remembered from that encounter. She remembered the cactus, his filed fingernails, how nervous he’d seemed when he asked her to his party.
Reaching the top of the stairs, she looked down the hall and paused. Her smile fell as she saw Tam leaning against the wall, right next to Avery’s classroom door.