If I Had You (Christmas In Harper Falls) (8 page)

Lila shook her head in amazement. “Men. Why do you
think women are different? We cuss. We tell inappropriate jokes. As for
bragging? You wouldn’t believe some of the stories I’ve heard.”

“Fair enough.” Sam lifted Lila, his arms strong
and sure. He headed for the bedroom. “What do you say we give a few more
to add to your arsenal?”

Lila didn’t tell Sam. Before him, she had no stories. None
interesting enough to brag over. By the end of the week, she would.
Envy-inducing tales. Lila knew one thing. She would keep the good parts to
herself. These moments were
hers
. For the next few days, Sam belonged to
her. She wasn’t going to share. Not now. Not ever.

SAM QUIETLY LEFT the bed. Watching Lila sleep was a joy. When
her eyes were open, she was a constant bundle of beautiful energy. Relaxed, her
breathing gentle, she was just as beautiful. This was different. Peaceful. She
made his heart —

No
. Sam put a screeching halt to those thoughts. His
heart was not involved. It couldn’t be. Lila belonged in Harper Falls. She had
her brother, her friends. He needed the rest of the world. He needed
excitement. He craved big cities. New York, London, Los Angeles. His home in
Paris. As lovely as Harper Falls was, he knew it wasn’t for him. All he had to
offer Lila was the occasional visit. She deserved more. She deserved it all. A
husband. Children. He wanted all those things too. Someday. But not here. She
was planting roots and they were getting deeper every day. Any future for them
was impossible.

“Hey, Coop.”

Cooper greeted him with a happy smile, his head tipped to
the side. Sam would miss him. It hadn’t taken long for the dog to worm his way
into Sam’s affections. A bit like a certain curvy brunette.

“I’m in trouble, Coop,” Sam confided to his furry
friend. “Promise you’ll look after her. I expect you to be a gentleman,
keep her company. Keep her safe. Especially keep her safe.”

Sam poured himself a glass of water, then filled Cooper’s
bowl. The sound of the dog lapping up water followed him as he wandered around
the room. It was a small living area. Probably too small now that a large dog
was added to the mix. They would make do. When she found the right man, they
would move to a bigger place.

Sam frowned at the thought. He wasn’t that man, but
picturing Lila with anyone else made his stomach clench. God, he was a selfish
bastard. Not that it was a revelation. He was used to having his way — getting
what he wanted. He wanted Lila. Couldn’t have her. What did he expect? Lila
wasn’t going into hiding when he left town. Some lucky bastard would snatch her
up. He hoped he never heard when it happened.

Lila’s desk was neat, like the rest of her apartment. A
cordless phone, a laptop. In one corner a spiral notebook with a plain white
cover sat. Curious, Sam sat in the chair. He knew this was snooping. The book
was closed. That didn’t stop him longer than a few seconds. If she wanted to
keep the contents private, the drawer was less than a foot away. His reasoning
was slightly skewed, but it worked for him. Flipping open the cover, Sam began
to read.

Lila stretched her arms above her head. Mmm. The bed was
warm, perfect for a cuddle with a big sexy man. To her disappointment, when she
reached for Sam, his side was empty. She felt the around. Empty and cold.

Certain he wouldn’t have left without telling her, Lila
grabbed her robe. The apartment was silent, but there was a faint beam of light
under the door. Lila stepped out of the bedroom, searching. When she saw Sam
sitting at her desk, reading from her notebook, she started forward. His
laughter stopped her in her tracks.

“Which part are you reading?”

Sam’s head whipped around, startled.

“Lila,” he began. It was too late to feign guilt.
It wasn’t too late to apologize. “I’m sorry, honey. I know I should have
asked first.”

“Yes, you should have.” She tightened the belt on
her robe, and then crossed to join him. “You find my story funny?”

“Funny, sweet, moving. I planned on glancing at it,
nothing more. One paragraph and I couldn’t put it down.”

“I…” she tried to find the words. “Sometimes
it’s easier to write what I’m feeling.”

Sam went to her, clasping her hand in his. So small and
delicate. Like Lila. And like the woman, strong — capable. He gently kissed her
cheek.

“The girl in the story. Did you know her?”

“Yes.” Lila laid her head on Sam’s chest. The beat
of his heart both comforting and stirring. “I had a friend in Oregon — my
best friend. She lived next door. When she got sick, the cancer moved so fast.
I never said goodbye. After all these years, with this story, I’m finally
getting to…”

Sam led Lila to the sofa, sitting. He tucked her close, his
arm around her.

“The part before, when the girls spy on the brother
kissing his girlfriend?”

“That was me,” she chuckled.

“The description was priceless. The friend intrigued
because of her crush on the older boy. The sister. You. Embarrassed.”

“I really made you laugh? You aren’t just saying
that?”

“You heard me.” Sam gave her a straight, clear
look. “I didn’t know you were there, Lila. But I promise if I had, I
wouldn’t have laughed to make you feel good.”

Lila sighed. “Good. You’re the first person to read
that story.”

“Do you have more?”

“No.” Lila shook her head. “Oh, I have some
terrible poetry. My angsty teenage phase. In college, I majored in business. My
mother encouraged me to take a few creative writing courses. When she died, my
desire to write died. Recently, something brought me back to it.”

“You’re talented, Lila.”

Lila’s first instinct was to dismiss Sam’s compliment. This
was her secret, her dream. Having someone feed that dream, especially someone whose
opinion she respected, made her uncomfortable. She could hear her mother’s
encouraging words. The love washed over her. Lila’s eyes filled with tears.
Someone
else
thinks my writing is good, Mom.

“Hey,” Sam said, worry in his eyes. “Why the
tears? What I said is a good thing.”

“It is,” Lila assured him. She hesitated.
“Don’t laugh.”

“Promise.”

“I miss my mother.”

“Oh, honey.” Sam gave her a sweet kiss. “Of
course you do.”

“She thought I could be a writer, Sam. When you told me
I was good, it felt like she was here, wrapping her arms around me. I haven’t
felt this close to her in years.”

Without a word, Sam held her close, letting the gentle tears
flow. He felt a tightness in his throat. He couldn’t give Lila back her mother.
He could help make her dreams come true.

“I know people, Lila.”

“We all do, Sam,” Lila smiled, her cheeks
glistening.

Looking around, Sam found the box of tissues on the coffee
table. Grabbing one, he dabbed away her tears.

“
My
people are publishers.”

“No.”

Lila tried to move away, but Sam held her tight.

“Don’t dismiss the idea until you hear me out.”

“I don’t want my story published.”

“But —”

“If I did, I wouldn’t want my…” she struggled for
the right word. “Whatever you are, using his influence.”

“I could get pissed off, fast, at such an
accusation.” Sam took a deep, calming breath. “You don’t know me very
well, so let me make something clear. This is my business, Lila. I don’t screw
around with that. Nepotism, cronyism. I didn’t get where I am by putting
unqualified, untalented people ahead of more deserving candidates.”

“I’m sorry,” Lila said, ashamed of herself.
“I don’t think of myself as a professional writer. It’s hard to wrap my
head around the idea of being
that
good.”

“Well, start.”

“This story was never meant to be seen, Sam. Maybe
something else. Someday.”

“
This
,” Sam insisted. “
Now
.”

“It’s personal,” Lila protested. “Who wants
to read my ramblings?”

“I do.”

“But —”

“Writing about your friend. It’s your way of finishing
the healing process.”

“Yes.”

“Think of all the young people dealing with the issue.
This story might help.” Sam tucked her under his arm, his hand smoothing
back her hair. “When
Wishes
came out, the reviews fed my ego. You
know what fed my soul? When someone would tell me how much the movie touched
them. One lady said she cried for two hours straight then called her mother.
They saw it together the next day.”

“Did she cry again?”

“They both did,” Sam said. “Like
babies.”

“I don’t know, Sam.” It was tempting. For so many
reasons.

“Think about it. No hurry. No pressure.”

“Really?”

Hearing the doubt in her voice, Sam smiled. His reputation
for getting what he wanted was well known — and well earned.

“I promise not to push — for now. A month, maybe two,
down the road? No guarantees.”

Lila felt a rush of emotion that had nothing to with her
book.
A month,
maybe
two, down the road.
A chance to have contact
with Sam after this week. Did that make her a glutton for punishment? Getting
all tingly thinking about a
chance
to talk with Sam at some unsettled
date? Lila didn’t care. She would take what she could get and worry about the
implications later.

“Deal.”

Sam pulled Lila in for a long kiss. He wondered if she
realized what she had agreed to. As far as he was concerned, she gave him
permission to walk back into her life. As he deepened the kiss, his hands
delving under her robe, Sam knew one thing. He wouldn’t wait long. A month? He
could go without seeing her, touching her, for that long. Then Lila moaned. Her
fingers threaded through his hair. The kiss escalated, soared.

“Three weeks,” Sam hissed through his teeth when
her hand left his hair to cup his erection.

“Hmm?” Lila asked. Her eyes were cloudy with
passion.

“Nothing, honey.”

Sam lifted Lila. Would his arms feel empty after he left
her? Two weeks would be pushing his luck. Three. Definitely three.

THE WEEK FLEW by. Time never dragged when you wanted it to.

Lila felt like she was in a strange bubble. Insulated from
the outside world, yet aware that as every minute passed, their time together
slipped away.

With the holiday rush behind her, she could leave
Peony
in the hands of her very competent assistant manager. Lila was free to spend
her days, and nights, playing with Sam.

Alex and her friends left them in peace. No unannounced
visits or off-hours phone calls. She was in touch, in a normal way; as though
she didn’t have a temporary roommate whom everyone knew shared her bed. She
knew Alex wasn’t happy with the situation, but she appreciated his backing off.
He let her make her own decisions. He acknowledged she was an adult. Lila loved
him all the more for it.

They took Cooper for long walks. They found he was a snow
dog, happy to frolic for hours. He would chase anything that moved, squirrel,
leaf. It was all fair game. Being outdoors with his two favorite people, Cooper
was in doggy heaven.

When they returned to the apartment, Cooper collapsed in an
exhausted heap, content, and ready to sleep for hours. Lila and Sam used the
time to become better acquainted. They would share a quiet meal, discussing a
wide variety of topics. Nothing was out of bounds. Politics, religion. Global
warming, pollution.
Family Guy
versus
American Dad
. They agreed
on most subjects, debated others with a heated respectfulness.

Either way, it always ended the same — in bed. Or on the
couch. On the floor. In the shower. The sex was sometimes playful. Sometimes
intense. Always satisfying beyond her wildest imagination. Sam was a dream
lover. Considerate, inventive, and willing to let Lila experiment. Even when
her fantasy turned out to be completely impractical.

“Where did you hear about this position?”

“In a book.”

“Not
The Joy of Sex
?” Sam tried to adjust
his position. Logistically, Tab A was not going to fit into Slot B.

“No.”

Lila shifted. She peered up at him between her spread legs.
Bent over, grasping her ankles was an incredibly awkward sex position. Not to
mention uncomfortable.

“The
Kama Sutra
?”

“
My Wild Weekend with the Billionaire Next Door
.”

“Ah.”

Giving up, Lila straightened. Her only consolation was she
could blame her red face on her head being upside down instead of
embarrassment. If she was honest, the two were equally to blame.

“Do you often let dubious romance novels guide your sex
play?”

“This was the first time,” Lila admitted. When Sam
began to laugh, she gave him a dirty look. “Hey, it worked for Lance and
Angelique.”

“Honey, those names alone should give you pause. Lance?
As in, his lance thrust into her pleasure hole?”

Lila lost it. She collapsed onto the sofa in a fit of
giggles. It wasn’t just the words; it was who said them. Sam Laughton, big, bad
entertainment mogul spewing horribly dated romance novel euphemisms. If they
weren’t naked, she would have wished for a camera.

“You need to get with the times, my friend. These days,
authors call a spade a spade. Or in this case, a cock a cock.”

“Maybe,” Sam conceded. “But Lance? Come
on.”

Hours later, lying in Sam’s arms, Lila smiled. He could be
so silly. Making her laugh in unexpected ways. Then, on the turn of a dime, he
became a focused, passionate lover. At those times, she felt they were the only
two people in the world — that she was the only woman he could ever want with
such single-minded intensity. If she saw something that wasn’t there, she
didn’t want to know. For the next day and a half, Sam was hers. When he left?
Lila mentally shrugged. She refused to miss him before he was gone.

“I can almost hear your mind working,” Sam
whispered. He nuzzled the side of her neck. “I thought I wore you out.
What has you awake when you should be resting up for our next mind-blowing
sexual escapades?”

I’m going to miss you. I can’t begin to comprehend how
much. You’ve become important. Too important. Who will I talk to late at night?
Whose silly jokes will I laugh at? Who will make love to me with white-hot
passion, and then hold me as if I’m made of spun glass? And how can I tell you
any of this?
The answer was simple. She couldn’t.

“Lila? Honey? Is something wrong?”

“Yes.” Lila wound her arms around Sam’s neck.
“It’s been a whole fifteen minutes since you kissed me.”

Sam knew there was more to it. Her tense shoulders, the
sadness in her eyes. But he let it go — didn’t push. For Lila’s sake. And his
own.

“A whole fifteen minutes?” Sam rolled her underneath
him. “How have you survived?”

Good question
, Lila thought. She lifted her mouth,
taking Sam’s kiss. Savoring.
How would she survive
?

“HELLO, STRANGER. I was wondering if I would see you
before you left town.”

Sam smiled. Rose yelled the words as she hurried across the
street. He took the overflowing canvas bags from her hands.

“Did you cancel tonight’s party?”

“No,” Rose said. She gave him a friendly kiss on
the cheek, efficiently rubbing away the dab of lipstick she’d left behind.
“Those bags are full of last minute party necessities. I thought you and
Lila might opt out. Word around town is you only venture out to walk the
dog.”

“Are people saying nasty things about Lila?”

“Of course not,” Rose laughed. “She is
universally adored. You’re both legal and single. The men are jealous. The
women are envious. Why would you think otherwise?”

“Harper Falls is a small town.”

“Peyton Place.” Rose smiled. “You need to
update your reading material, Sam.”

“That’s the second time in the past day someone’s told
me that.”

“Sounds like a story.”

Sam shook his head. “A private one.”

“Those are the best kind.” Rose hooked her arm
through his. “Where is the lady in question?”

“She had a shipping snafu to wade through.” Sam
escorted Rose to her car. “She’s meeting me in a few minutes for
lunch.”

“Any chance you’ll be sticking around after
tomorrow?”

“No,” Sam said firmly. He loaded her bags into the
trunk. “Why would you ask?”

“You changed your plans once.”

“Rearranged, not changed,” Sam corrected.
“This is my vacation time. I simply chose to spend it all in Harper
Falls.”

“With Lila.”

“Are you trying to be subtle, Rose?”

“A little,” she admitted sheepishly.

“Well, you’re lousy at it. If there’s something you
want to ask, spit it out.”

“Okay. Remember you asked for it.”

Sam didn’t like the glint in Rose’s eyes.

“Can I change my mind?”

Rose shook her head. “I only have one question. Are you
going to break Lila’s heart?”

“Shit.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

The condemnation was what set him off. Under normal
circumstances, Sam would have easily brushed off Rose’s comment. These
circumstances were anything
but
normal.

“What about my heart?” he threw out. There was
plenty of heat behind his words. Enough to make Rose’s eyes widen with
surprise.

“I never thought about it.”

“Why would you? I’m experienced. Worldly. Lila is
sweet. A forgettable Christmas fling.”

“Sam —”

“Lila is
not
forgettable, Rose.”
Frustrated, Sam ran a hand through his hair. “She’s bright, funny,
beautiful — sexy as hell. I like her. I…”

“You’re in love with her,” Rose finished for him.

“Is that so hard to believe?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t know who you’re insulting. Me, or Lila.”

“You know what I mean, Sam,” Rose said. “You
are a player. With a big, fat capital P. Admit it, you’re as surprised as I am by
this turn of events.”

Sam couldn’t argue.

“Lila is… a revelation.” The reverence in his
voice was so poignant it brought tears to Rose’s eyes.

“Sam Laughton. Who knew you had the soul of a
poet.” Rose sighed, happy for both her friends. “When are you going
to ask her to marry you?”

“I’m not.”

“Alex won’t like it.” Rose shrugged. “Dani
will bring him around. A few months without a ring on her finger won’t make a
difference.”

“You don’t understand, Rose. I’m not asking her to
marry me. Not now. Not ever.” Sam cleared his throat. The lump wouldn’t
move. He was afraid it never would. “When I leave, that’s it. I thought I
might keep in touch. Visit. But I know that would be a mistake. For both of
us.”

“Sam.” Rose didn’t like the look of despair she
saw on his face. He stopped at nothing to get what he wanted. Lila loved him,
Rose was certain. Why was he walking away from a sure thing?

“It’s cold out here, Rose. Go home. I’ll see you
tonight.”

“I’m not budging until you explain this idiocy.”

“This is Lila’s home, Rose. When she lost her parents,
she was drifting — alone.” Sam’s heart ached when he thought of the tears
she shed when she shared her grief. “She has so much here in Harper Falls.
A successful business, friends. And most important, her brother. She needs him.
She needs all of you. I can’t ask her to give it up.”

“You picked a hell of a time to get selfless,
Sam.”

“I’ve never been in love before.”

Rose watched Sam walk away. Love was supposed to be
glorious. More often than not, it was just plain hard.

“HAPPY NEW YEAR, Lila.”

Lila hugged her brother, grateful once again to have him
here. Too many times, she rang in another year with no idea of his whereabouts,
or his safety. Knowing that was a thing of the past, helped ease some of the
pain she felt. She no longer counted the days until Sam left. Now it was hours
and minutes.

“I can still beat the shit out of him for you.”

Lila let out a small chuckle. “Sam didn’t make me any
promises, Alex. I went into this with my eyes wide open.”

“I did the same thing when I met Dani.” Alex
looked across the room at the woman who owned his heart. “I fell in love,
knowing I shouldn’t. Five years didn’t change a damn thing. The second I saw
her it could have been five minutes. And I’m an idiot.”

“I’m not going to cry,” Lila assured her brother.
However, it was a close thing. “You don’t have to worry about me.”
Then she did something she had never done before; she lied to her brother’s
face. “This is a crush, not love. I’ll miss Sam for a little while. In a
few weeks, he’ll be nothing more than a happy memory.”

Lila knew Alex didn’t believe her. She thought for a moment
that he would push her. Thankfully, he let it go. Seeing Sam hold up a glass of
champagne, a welcoming smile on his face. Lila willed an answering smile. By
the time she reached Sam, she wasn’t faking. This was New Year’s Eve. A time to
celebrate, not mourn.

Wrapping her arms around Sam’s neck, Lila gave him a long
passionate kiss. They still had a few hours, and she planned on making the most
of every second.

“YOU LUCKED OUT on the weather. They’re predicting a big
snowstorm for tomorrow. Today is clear as a bell.”

Lila hated that she was reduced to making small talk.
The
weather
? Right now, it was just sad. One more inane comment would topple
over into pathetic. It would be nice if Sam would help her out. For the last
half hour, his contribution to the conversation amounted to a few grunts
followed by the occasional, mmhmm. Was he that anxious to leave that he
couldn’t be bothered to use actual words?

Lila couldn’t complain about their last night together.
Cooper was having a sleepover at Rose and Jack’s house, so there was no dog to
walk. They fell into bed, unable to get enough of each other. So many emotions
passed between them. Desperation. Tenderness. The underlying wistfulness
couldn’t temper the passion or the need to pack as much as possible into these
last few precious hours.

Now, with Sam’s departure imminent, Lila felt like she
watched a stranger pack his bag.

“What are your plans when you get to Los Angeles?”

“Work.”

“I know.” Lila wanted to shout the words. Instead,
she kept her tone light and friendly. “Is there anything specific? We
haven’t talked about your next project. Is it a movie?”

“Does it matter?”

“Sam. Any second now, I’m going to hit you over the
head with the nearest heavy object. Not only will that delay your trip, but
I’ll be left with a huge mess. Do you know how hard it will be to get blood out
of the rug you’re standing on?”

When he didn’t answer, Lila temper blew.

“Fine. At least do me a favor and move to the right.
The kitchen tile is easier to clean.”

Lila spun away, tears welling in her eyes. Stupid, stupid
man.

“Marry me, Lila.”

Sam heard her gasp. She didn’t speak or turn. He couldn’t see
the expression on her face. He was flying blind. After the way he’d acted all
morning, it was probably what he deserved.

Neither he nor Lila had a second of sleep the night before.
They made the most of every moment. If they weren’t making love, they were
holding on, pretending the seconds weren’t ticking away.

They took one last shower. Came together one more time. Then
Sam’s brain started working overtime. He heard Lila. He knew she was trying to
keep things light. All the time, he was having an argument with himself.

Why couldn’t he have Lila? He knew she loved him. She might
not see her brother every day, but they could visit. The rest could be worked
out later. They belonged together. That was all that mattered.

Blurting out a marriage proposal wasn’t the smoothest move
he’d ever made, but there it was. As the seconds ticked by, he began to wonder
if he’d made a huge miscalculation. Maybe this wasn’t what Lila wanted.