If I'd Never Known Your Love (18 page)

"That was impressive," David said.

"Eighteen years on a farm and you learn a thing or two about how to deal with stubborn animals." She walked past David on her way into the living room. He followed. 'I’m going into town to pick up a couple of things and check the mail. Is there anything you need?"

"Give me a minute and I'll go with you."

"Really?" Even as friendly as they'd become lately, she seemed surprised."I would have asked, but knew you worked in the morning."

"I'm done. I got up early."

She glanced at the couch. "Not comfortable?"

Nothing got by her. "I figured I'd let Pearl have a day or two to get used to sharing the house before I moved back into the bedroom."

"Keep this up and I'm going to think there's a tender heart beating under that grumpy exterior," she teased.

He felt an idiotic pleasure at both her opinion and the teasing. "I just don't want her to disappear and leave me with a puppy to raise."

"Uh-huh." She headed out the door. "Meet me at the car in fifteen minutes. I have a couple of phone calls I need to make first."

Instead of following the shoreline, the easier route back to her house, Julia went through the forest. She loved the snapping sounds the dry pine needles and fallen branches made with each footfall. And she loved the smell. The pine reminded her of Christmas. Flashes of memories from Christmases with Evan landed and melted like giant snowflakes drifting onto an upturned face. He'd loved Christmas, finally understanding the joy of the season when he joined her family, becoming a rabid participant when they started their own family. He was the one who took out the decorations and put up the lights and played the music. And he was the one who dragged them out of the house to walk hand in hand on frosty evenings through garishly over-decorated neighborhoods.

Knowing Evan would want her to, she'd tried to keep up their traditions for Shelly and Jason, but it wasn't the same without him.

There were boxes in her closet filled with handmade Christmas and birthday presents for Evan that would never be opened. One day, when Shelly and Jason had homes and families of their own, Julia would give them the gifts they had made for their father.

To think that they might not remember Evan the way he deserved to be remembered broke her heart. But how could she expect them to live in ftfe past and still embrace the future? As desperately as she missed their company in her loneliness, she loved her children too much to have them live with her in this world of constant sorrow.

Which, she reminded herself a dozen times a day, was why she was here now. Her struggle to find a way to let go of Evan and be the mother they needed was something she had to do for them and without them. It would have been easier without David as such a poignant, real reminder of what it had been like to have someone to share her day-to-day life with.

She was on the front porch when she heard the phone ring. It was Barbara. "I was just about to call you," she said.

"Great minds," Barbara replied.

"So, when are you coming for a visit?"

"How about this weekend?"

"Are you serious?" She squealed in delight. So much for calm and rational and convincing the family she was doing just fine without them. "That's great. I can't wait to see you. How long can you stay?"

"Until Monday. We have the day off for some administration thing."

With her old car on its last legs, Barbara had signed up to teach summer school to earn a down payment for a new one."I can't wait to see you," Julia repeated. "You'll love it here. It's so beautiful and peaceful. And there's a boat. We could go fishing."

"Fishing? Me? Are you insane?"

"Well, then we'll just row around the lake. There's this family of geese you have to see and there's—"

Barbara laughed. "You don't have to sell me, Julia. I'll be there. And, if it's okay, I'm bringing someone with me."

"Of course it's okay," she said, her words more generous than her feelings. She didn't want to have to share her sister. "Who is it?"

U
A

"

A guy.

Julia's jaw dropped. She'd been so wrapped up in

herself she hadn't even known Barbara was seeing someone. "When did this happen?"

"A couple of months ago. Things are moving along pretty fast and I decided it was time you two met."

"Wow. This is great."Julia hoped she sounded more enthusiastic than she felt. She wasn't sure she was ready to witness love in bloom, especially not with someone she counted on emotionally as much as Barbara.

God, could she really be that selfish?

"I can't wait to meet him," Julia said, this time meaning it.

"I realize this is hard for you, Julia," Barbara said. "But I also know it would have been harder if you'd found out later that I was dating a special guy and hadn't told you. I want you to be a part of this now."

"You're right. Of course. And I am happy for you." She could do this. She had to.

Barbara had been with her through every moment of every crisis for five and a half years. Her sister deserved this happiness. How could she know that the timing was so bad, that Julia had met a man who filled her with a renewed and desperate hunger for what she could no longer have?

"I can't wait for you to meet him. His name is Michael St. John and he's an English professor at Sacramento State. A
teacher,
Julia. How perfect is that?"

"That's wonderful," Julia managed to say. "But be forewarned, he's going to have to be really special in my eyes to be good enough for you."

Barbara laughed happily. "I'm not the least bit worried. You're going to love him."

They talked a few minutes more, discussed what food Barbara should bring and the best time to arrive and said goodbye. Julia returned the receiver to its cradle and sat down at the kitchen table. She had planned to call her mother but had no idea how much she knew about Barbara's new man. If she said the wrong thing or nothing at all, she could wind up with both of them angry at her. Their family dynamics were like a pinball game, one loose ball and the whole board would light up.

"Are you in there?" David called through the screen door.

Julia glanced at the clock. A half hour had passed with her splashing around in a pond of self-pity over Barbara's wonderful news. Thank God no one had seen her. She jumped up and knocked over the chair. "Coming," she shouted.

Drawn by the noise, David appeared beside her. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, of course." Tears spilled down her cheeks. Damn, damn—
damn it.
She turned her back to him and righted the chair. "What makes you think I'm not?" She lost all credibility when she couldn't stifle the sob that came next.

In a move that took them both by surprise, David reached for her. "I'm not very good at this kind of thing," he said self-consciously. "And I'll deny it if you ever remind me I said something this cheesy, but you look like you could use a hug."

Instead of pushing him away, something she would have sworn she would have done, she buried her face in his shoulder, closed her eyes and breathed in the smell of the man holding her. He was the same height as Evan and had the same build, but didn't hold her as close or as intimately as Evan would have. The way she desperately wanted to be held.

The moment should have been awkward. It should have felt wrong. But it was neither.

His arms still around her, David asked, "Have you had breakfast?"

She almost laughed at the question. It was so like the men she knew to look for a good exit line rather than just leave. Stepping from his arms, she wiped her eyes. "I usually don't—"

"Yeah, I figured. But I know this terrific place on the river that makes the best sourdough pancakes in town, and it's late enough you could call it lunch."

"The best pancakes in
this
town?" She was dizzyingly grateful that he hadn't gone where she would have let him go. She was vulnerable and confused and ached for real intimacy. She would have used David, and he was too special for that to happen.

He grinned. "Okay, so that's not much of a boast."

"I'll go if you'll do something for me."

"Sounds fair," he said.

"Come to dinner Saturday."

He waited for her to go on, seemingly sensing there was more.

"My sister and a friend, a male friend, a new male friend, are going to be here for the weekend and I want someone to..." She didn't know how to tell him what she needed without appearing pathetic.

"You need someone to shift the focus from lust- filled gazes and groping under the table to sensible things like the weather?"

"Yes," she admitted. "It's not that I'm not happy for my sister—"

"You just don't want it shoved in your face."

She let out a sigh. "That makes me seem so selfish."

"So what? I'd say you've more than earned the right."

Again, tears welled in her eyes. They weren't the pretty words she would have heard from her family or friends, empty words of understanding meant to ease her pain. She'd known David two weeks, but she'd learned he was too pragmatic to waste time spouting something he didn't believe.

"I have, haven't I?" she said. "Well?"

For the question to register took a second. "You drive a hard bargain, Mrs.

McDonald. This dinner party of yours sounds about as stimulating as chaperoning a high-school prom."

"You want stimulating? What if I told you I'm fully prepared to dazzle you with a discussion on quarks." From somewhere she found a grin. "I sat next to a man on a flight to Colombia who actually studied them for a living. It was a very, very long flight."

"And that's supposed to tempt me?"

"Just how hungry are you for these pancakes?"

He laughed. "Okay, it's a deal."

Two days later David went into town with Julia to retrieve Francis from the vet. He was a much different dog from the one she had left, squirming, nuzzling, yipping and trying to suckle anything and everything he could fit in his mouth, including Julia's earlobe. The vet had purposely withheld his last feeding, leaving him ready and eager for his mom.

Pearl must have sensed their approach because she met them on the porch when they returned, dancing in circles and calling out in a high, rapid whine. There was no way she could see her puppy wrapped inside the blanket Julia carried, but it was obvious she knew he was there.

Francis squirmed until his head popped free, answering Pearl's call with frantic yips.

Julia waited until they were in the bedroom to put Francis down. Pearl immediately sniffed and licked him from head to toe, turning him on his back and then on his stomach, talking the entire time, her thin body trembling with joy. Satisfied, she gently picked him up in her mouth and carried him into the closet. Seconds later she had settled and was feeding her family.

Julia heard a deep contented sigh between the suckling sounds. She looked at David.

He was standing with his shoulder pressed against the door frame, looking back at her.

He smiled."All in all, I'd say this ranks pretty damn close to winning the lottery." .

She returned his smile. "Higher."

"Seems to me we should be doing something to celebrate."

"What did you have in mind?"

"Dinner? I know a little restaurant in town that makes the best—-"

She laughed."Is it as good as the pancake house?"

"Better."

"Give me a half hour to get ready."

He did a quick appraisal. "You look fine." He cleared his throat. "Better than fine.

You look beautiful."

She brought her hand up to her hair, a silly, feminine gesture, an automatic response to the unexpected compliment. No one had told her she looked beautiful since... Since Evan. Just as unexpectedly, her cheeks burned with a sudden blush. She thanked him because it seemed the least awkward thing to do and then insisted on the half hour, needing it now to regain her equilibrium.

Three Years Missing

I'm back, Evan. I've worked my way through the tunnel of depression I was in and am
out the other side. I'm sorry it took so long. I considered not telling you, but we've
always shared everything, good or bad, and I finally decided it was wrong to pretend
I've been this never-failing, constant pillar of strength. It's four o'clock in the morning
here, which means it's seven where you are. I'm trying to picture what your day will
be like today. I want to believe you 're doing something that makes you happy, so I
pull out some of my favorite fantasies—that you are teaching kids math, or showing
men how to bring clean water to their village—things that will give you a sense of accomplishment when you're home again and reflecting back at the time you spent in
Colombia.

I'm sitting up in bed, a cup of coffee in one hand, a pen in the other, your rose in a
vase on the night- stand, keeping me company and triggering the most wonderful
memories. Not that I have to have a trigger. You are always with me, Evan. I feel your
presence in the air I breathe. I hear your whispered words of love and longing when
the leaves rustle in the oak tree and when the birds call for me to fill their feeder. You
hold me in my dreams and give me the strength and comfort I need to wake and face
another day without you.

A storm is blowing outside. The rain is hitting the

windows in crashing waves that sound like your favorite Storm Giant is back, tossing
handfuls of sand against the panes. Do you remember telling Jason that story when he
was four and woke up terrified by his first really big storm? You might have gotten
away with it if you hadn't started with the embellishments. I never did understand why
it was necessary to give the Storm Giant great big teeth. How could that be a guy
thing?