If Not For You (48 page)

“Thank you Doctor Loren.”

Philippe, John and I sat in the corner of the waiting room while I explained what was happening and would happen. They agreed to keep a vigil. Philippe would go back to the ship, pack us each a bag and get a room at a nearby hotel for the three of us. Even though I refused the idea of leaving the hospital for a minute, I humored them with a pact.

“I need to make a few calls to the States and use the can, come get me if the nurse shows.”

I splashed my face with cold water and looked in the mirror. My beard was heavier than usual. Blinking back tears, I sniffed when I thought of how much Tandy loved my scruff as she called it. Taking my phone from my pocket I hit redial.

“Gage,” Henry snapped, “tell me she’s alright.”

“They’re keeping her comfortable.”

“What do you mean comfortable. Is she going to be okay or what?”

“The doctors are going to operate sometime around noon.” Thankful for small mercies, I’d only have to say that a few times.

“Noon. You’re five, six hours ahead of us?”

“Henry, don’t worry about the fucking time, get your ass on the next plane, Tandy’s going to need you.”

“Should I tell Mr. Manning?”

With a clenched jaw I remembered the doctor’s words,
undue stress
. “I’d love to say no. Do what you think is best. I don’t give a fuck if I ever see that asshole again.”

“I’m on the next flight. I’ll call when I arrive.”

I nodded even though I knew I couldn’t be seen, but unable to say goodbye.

Searching her list and finding the name I heard her talk of so often, I dialed.

“I should totally hang up on you, bitch!”

“Tess. My names Gage, I’m,”

“What’s wrong? What’s happened to Tandy?”

“Tandy’s in St. Thomas hospital in London.”

“Oh my God.”

Saying the words, repeating the story, wasn’t getting any easier. Tess hadn’t taken it at all well. She cried openly and was like a sponge needing to soak in every detail. She finally agreed to call Henry and try to get on the same flight with him, not about to be told not to come and I wasn’t about to tell her either.

***

Thirteen hours later.

Philippe had handed me an envelope he had discovered in Tandy’s things, my name addressed on it. Clamped tightly in my fist I stared off into the distance. The words haunted my thoughts as I sat waiting for news, any news that she wasn’t leaving me. Slipping the single page from the envelope, I reread each word for the fourth time.

My darling Gage,

If you are reading this letter, it means that I am gone. Don’t be angry or sad my love. Be happy knowing that what we shared were the happiest days of my life. You made me complete and for that, I thank you. I owe you so much. I can hear you telling me I owe you nothing, but I do, so shut up and listen.

If not for you:

I would not know what it is to love and be loved unconditionally. You gave me everything that I needed and more. I experienced more with you in our short time together than I have in my entire life.

If not for you:

I would have died a virgin and never have experienced the pleasure of your touch, your patience, your tenderness and demand. You made me feel desired, craved, lusted for and most of all loved and all for no other reason than for being me.

If not for you:

My last days would have been spent alone. I only knew being alone until you exposed me to a world of sharing, desire and need for another soul, that soul was yours.

I love you and adore you, keep me in your heart but move on. Promise me you’ll find someone special and share who I know you really are, my surfer boy badass.

One last thing,

Tell my father thank you for if not for him, I never would have met you.

Love You Forever and Always!

Tandy

With my jaw clenched tightly I wiped away a single tear that had seeped from the corner of my eye. I couldn’t lose it now. Tess stirred ever so slightly, enough to startle me.

Tess slept against my chest, my arm wrapped around her with my chin resting on of her head. We were a much needed comfort for one another. We had talked and gotten to know each other until sleep took her over. I was happy to have a connection to my Tandy, missing her touch and smile was miserable.

Studying the others in various states of sleep, I couldn’t help but scowl at the bastard standing by the window. Sure it was good of Mr. Manning to fly everyone over on his private jet, got them here in record time, but I worried that Tandy would be angry when she found out he was there. The man was pure evil, he had charged in and strived to take over to no avail. Thankfully the sweet little Scottish sister, obviously taken with me, vowed only to talk with me. She’d pull me from the room each time she came with progress reports.

“I could cause a real stink, but I won’t for now. For Tandy.” Mr. Manning had given his word.

John lay across Philippe’s lap sound asleep. Philippe’s head tipped back awkwardly on the back of the sofa. He’d be in pain when he woke. Poor Henry was wearing a path in the floor. He had a ratty old pink bunny with ragged floppy ears, tucked under his arm. At any other time but this, it would have made me laugh. At this moment though, it was just plain heartbreaking.

“Gage.” The sister called me out to the hall. I was so far in thought I hadn’t heard the door slide open. I stirred from Tess and stood.

“Tandy’s doing well, she’s in recovery. She still hasn’t gained consciousness but that’s not unusual. It’s her body’s way of healing. The doctor will talk to you soon and then you can see her.”

I hugged her and she blushed before continuing, “I must warn you though, there are wires and tubes, she’s hooked up to noisy machines. Her heads bandaged and there’s swelling. She won’t look like herself. This is all normal.”

“I don’t care what she looks like. I just need to be near her.”

It was close to three hours before the doctor talked to me and the others and another half hour before the sister took me to the ICU unit to see her. She looked so small and fragile laying in the hospital bed situated in the center of the room. The lights had been dimmed and the nurses performed their duties silently.

An older nurse stepped to my side placing a kind hand on my forearm. “A wee tad intimidating isn’t it?” she spoke softly.

“A wee bit,” I agreed. “In fact it’s downright nerve-wracking.”

“Don’t be frightened to touch her.” She shifted me closer with her hand on my back. “Talk to her…what’s your name?”

“Gage.”

“Talk to her Gage, let her hear your voice.” She pulled over a chair and directed me to sit. “If you need me, I’ll be at that station.” My eyes followed her hand looking at the nurses’ station just outside the door and nodded.

I took Tandy’s hand in mine and kissed her knuckles. Her skin was surprisingly warm. I don’t know what I expected. I always liked the way Tandy reacted to me doing that, there was no reaction this time though. Her skin was warm but her familiar scent had been replaced by a medicinal, all too clean smell. I would have given my own life just to see her sit up and giggle the way she did when I’d pull her to the beds edge to taste her. I kicked myself for having such a self-regarding thought.

“I’m here, sweetheart.” I felt silly talking at first, but I had so much to say, so much she needed to hear.

“Open your eyes, baby. I want to see those gorgeous eyes of yours. It’s been too many hours since I saw them last. I love you.” I knew there wouldn’t be a response.

“Henry and Tess are here, John and Phil too. We’re all waiting for you to wake up.” It was no mistake that I bypassed her father; I couldn’t bring myself to upset her.

“Baby, come back to me. I need you. I know that sounds selfish under the circumstances, but I can’t go on without you. You
have
to get better.” I smiled for the first time in nearly twenty four hours. “Remember the day we met? The first time we kissed? The first time we touched? The first time we made love? Well I need you to wake up and get better so we can do it all over again.”

Carefully I slid my chair closer and laid my head gently onto her lap. Tucking her hand under my chin I whispered, “I’ll be here when you wake, I’m not leaving.”

Day 9

The many tubes and wires had been removed, the beeping had ceased and all that remained was a cannula supplying oxygen under her nose. The bandages had also been removed and her hair had been pinned on top of her head. Since the surgery had taken place at the back of her head Tandy just looked like she was tired and needed a really good sleep.

Tandy glanced at the entourage standing at the end of her bed and smiled. “Henry, Tess.” She put her arms up and the pair swooped in for a careful hug.

I stepped forward from the other side of the bed and smiled, she looked at me confused, scanned the other faces in the room and then focused on me again.

“Who are you?”

George Manning took the opportunity to veer in and shove me to the side as he crooned, “kitten.”

A hand clamped onto my elbow pulling me into the corridor. John and Philippe looked as shocked as I did.

“Say something, Gage,” John said, worried.

“What do you want me to say, she doesn’t fucking remember me,” I said furiously, and proceeded to punch a hole in the wall.

The one thing I feared the most was her forgetting and low and behold she had. Doctor Travis tried to assure me that given time, she’d remember, that the condition was temporary. Doctor Loren on the other hand felt that she may have suffered some damage during the vessel repair and her short term memory had been affected, it would never return.

What they both agreed on was that she needed
time
.

Day 8

When the sister brought me back to my room after an intense bout of physical lets-try-and-bend-her-into-a-pretzel therapy, he was waiting in my room. The beautiful blonde stranger with the sweet smile and to die for dimples. He had appeared and disappeared just as fast from my sight yesterday. The sister called him Gage. He apparently brought me to the hospital and had kept vigil for the last four days and nights. The connection she wouldn’t disclose, she told me I needed to talk to him and here he was.

“Hi.”

“Hello, sweetheart.”

He called me sweetheart, he knew me well enough to bestow a term of endearment upon me. I meant more to him than I had imagined. He wasn’t a stranger after all? So why did I not recognize him?

“Going to take your coat off and stay awhile?” I asked and watched as he stood and shrugged off his coat laying it across the chair beside him.

His t-shirt fit snug across his chest and I couldn’t help but notice the guns on the man, he was built and built nicely. The insignia on the t-shirt was one I knew, but in my mind I was wearing it.

My brows knit together. “Dakine.” I said.

“It’s your favorite t-shirt.”

“It is?” I asked. “Gage, it is Gage, right?”

I could see the disappointment in his eyes, he wanted me to suddenly burst out that I remembered him, I couldn’t give him that. There was something about him though, something that drew me to him. His hair was familiar, as crazy as that sounded, I pictured it wet and wild. His smile and those dimples, I felt like I knew intimately. But it was his eyes, the windows to his soul that told me he held something special in my heart. There was a place that only he belonged and it missed him, needed him and was begging me to remember him.

Or was it just all in my mind? Was I delusional? Was this gorgeous stranger sitting here staring at me, just a dream I had conjured up? Was he the reason I felt so lonely and empty, was he the one to fill the void deep in my heart, which appeared from nowhere?

“Yes, Gage,” he answered, with a half-smile.

Tears filled my eyes, Gage jumped from his seat and handed me a tissue. “Tandy baby, please don’t cry.”

“Who are you? I feel a connection to you, it’s like you belong,” I tried to explain. “I must sound crazy, but I need answers and I’m afraid you’re the only one that can give them to me.”

“Where do you want me to start?” he asked. “There’s so much to tell.”

“Then tell me, I need to know everything. But first help me into bed so I can get comfortable and start at the beginning, the very beginning.”

“Deal,” Gage said, swiftly lifting me into his arms and onto the bed. He hesitated for a moment as I sniffed in the scent of him.

“Coconut,” My heart thumped. I put my hand to my throbbing head and drew in the smell of him again. There was something all too memorable in that scent. “Talk to me, Gage, and don’t leave out anything.”

Every word he spoke was filled with devout emotion; all the details he shared were magical. And not a facet did he miss. At times my face heated and my heart sank when he described intimate moments, hearing them from his point of view was hot. When he told me of the night he took my virginity, I nearly burst into flames as he described our night of lust, my body aching to feel his touch. Embarrassed as hell at first, but then wishing I could remember just a smidge of what he was telling me. That would have been better than listening like he was telling me a tale. Gage made us sound so real, so special.

I raised the sheet on the bed and lifted my gown to view the tattoo he described, it was beautiful. I turned to Gage questioningly and he stood, unzipped his jeans and lowered them enough until I viewed the mirrored image and he smiled.

“It’s our always secret memory,” he said, I smiled and looked away, sad I couldn’t remember something that meant so much to both of us.

He described me to a tee. The crazy way I always took flight when a situation got too real or I couldn’t deal, was just who I was, and apparently it drove him nuts, that and my eye rolling. Gage knew all about me, my relationship with my father, my likes and dislikes, he even knew about peanut butter chocolate chunk ice cream and my Henry. It was as if he were reading my biography, turning each page to reveal who I really was. For a man that had met me just over a month ago, he knew me so well.