If You Leave: The Beautifully Broken Series: Book 2 (23 page)

They aren’t here anymore.

But I am. I have my own mistakes to make… but I sure as hell won’t make the same ones they did.

We sit beside the raging bonfire for at least an hour. When the fire grows dim I squirt more lighter fluid on it, causing it to rage again. I want to make sure that every bad memory has burned completely away.

“Do you feel better?” Gabe asks quietly as we walk back up to the house.

I realize that I do. I feel surprisingly lighter. I’m no therapist, but what I just did was really fucking therapeutic.

“I do,” I tell him. “This was a good idea. Thank you. I’m sorry that you had to see me that way, that you had to see all of that… shit. But I thank you for making me face it. I’m sorry I got mad at you.”

Gabe rubs his hand on my shoulder. “You weren’t really mad at me and I knew that. I’m just glad it helped,” he tells me.

We heat up some frozen burritos and rice, then sit curled up on the couch until bedtime. After we crawl into bed, Gabe holds me until I go to sleep, but he leaves me afterward.

I know this because he wakes me up in the night, tossing and turning and mumbling on the couch. He calls out for Brand. He mumbles incoherently.
This
is the Gabe I saw that first night.
This
is the Gabe he wants to hide from me.
This
is the Gabe he doesn’t want to face.

I watch him for a while before covering him up and padding back to bed. There’s nothing else I can do. He gave me the push I needed to face my demons… because I was ready to do it. That’s the difference between him and me.

He’s clearly not ready to face his own. I just wonder if he ever will be. And if he’s not, what does that mean for me? Or for
us
?

It’s not something I have an answer to, so eventually I give up thinking about it and slip into a fitful sleep.

When we wake in the morning, the water has gone down. I’m not very happy about it. On the one hand, I’ll be able to go see Mila.

But on the other, this little bubble that I’ve been in with Gabe will burst and we’ll have to go back to reality. The problem is, I’m not sure that we’re ready for it.

What the fuck is happening?

My thoughts are a swirling mess as I work out at the gym. I can’t believe this is happening to me. I don’t get attached to women. Ever. I fuck them and I like fucking them. But attached?

No fucking way.

Why then am I all tied up in knots about Madison? It’s an exercise in fucking futility because I can’t stay with her. I’m too fucked up and she doesn’t even know the half of it. It’s not right.

But holy shit, it feels right.

Is everyone in the world broken, Gabriel?

I swallow hard as I punch the punching bag harder. Yes, everyone is broken, but I’m the most broken of them all.

Bile rises in my throat and I swallow it down. She has no idea what a monster I am. And if she knew, she would probably kick me in the balls and run hard in the other direction.

As well she should.

You’re someone who won’t hurt me.

Christ. The memory of her words has a visceral effect on me, tightening my gut. What the fuck am I doing here? Why am I fucking with her? It’s not right.

It’s not right.

But when I held her last night, everything felt right in the world. And when I think about walking away from her, everything feels like shit. Am I really selfish enough to want to keep her with me, even though I’m not fit to be with anyone?

The bad thing caught you.

I slug at the bag harder, hard enough that my shoulders strain from the effort.

The bad thing caught you.

I slug at the bag until I can’t slug at it anymore, until my shoulders are weak and my arm feels like rubber.

The bad thing caught you.

I slump to the floor, leaning against the wall as I catch my breath.

The bad thing didn’t catch me.

I’m the bad thing.

I hit the showers, then pick up the phone and call Jacey.

“Hey, Sis. Want to go shooting?”

“Sure. Meet me there in an hour?”

“Yup.”

I taught her to target shoot when we were both still in high school, back when I was still wet behind the ears. I thought that being a Ranger would be the pinnacle of my life. It would make me a man.

I had no idea that it would break me.

I swing by the house and pile a Colt AR-15 and several boxes of ammo into my trunk before I head in the direction of the shooting range.

Over the years Jacey and I have spent hundreds of hours blowing holes in targets, just clearing our thoughts. The repetition of shooting is comforting and familiar. It’s one thing that we can do together, one thing that we both enjoy.

When I arrive at the range, Jacey is already there and unloading her shit, including her pink fucking nine-millimeter that I always tease her about. She turns to me as I approach, her blonde hair pulled out of her face so she can see.

“So, what’s wrong?”

I glance at her as I set my bag down.

“What the fuck? Do you think I have ovaries now? That I’m going to talk about my feelings and shit?”

Jacey grins. “Nope. We’re going to blow some shit to pieces. And then we can talk about your feelings and shit.”

I shake my head and put my orange foam earplugs in.

For the next two hours we blow the paper targets to smithereens. It’s amazingly satisfying to blow holes through the center of the target, time after time. When Jacey is finally out of ammo and I’m damn close, she turns to me, pulling one of her earplugs out.

“You want some dinner?”

I nod. “Yup.”

We head to the little burger place down the road, where Jace practically orders a side of beef along with a margarita. I stare at her incredulously as I place what seems like a small order now: a double quarter pounder, onion rings and a beer.

“Have you not eaten in a month?” I ask her as we slide into a cracked vinyl booth.

“It’s ‘that’ time of the month, Gabe,” she tells me with a grin. “I could eat two cows and a calf too.”

Ugh. “TMI, Jace. Seriously.”

She just laughs.

“Why are we here, Gabe? Seriously. I know something’s wrong. You might as well just tell me, or you can let me badger it out of you. Either way is fine with me.”

I roll my eyes. She’d actually enjoy the badgering part.

“I fucked up, Jace,” I finally admit. “Big time.”

She raises a blonde eyebrow. “What happened?”

I sigh and swig my beer, enjoying the cold bite of it as it slides down my throat.

“Madison.”

Jacey instantly narrows her eyes. “What did you do? I swear I’ll castrate you if you hurt her. I mean it. I don’t want to see your junk, but I’ll do it.”

I shake my head, staring at the table, swirling my beer in the glass.

“I haven’t yet. But I’m going to.”

Jacey’s puzzled now. It’s apparent as she looks at me in confusion. “I’m not following you. If you haven’t hurt her yet, then you don’t have to do it.”

Our food arrives and Jacey dives into hers, eating with more gusto than I’ve ever seen a chick eat with.

“You don’t understand,” I finally tell her with a sigh. “I’m fucked up. When you look at me, you see your big brother, same ol’ Gabe. But I’m not that guy anymore. That thing that happened to Brand and me… it seriously fucked me up. Maddy doesn’t deserve someone like me.”

Jacey stops chewing and looks at me. “Why don’t you let Maddy decide that?” she suggests. “Have you told her what happened to you?”

I shake my head. “No.”

Jacey tilts her head, examining me. “How bad is it? Seriously, how bad can it be? I know you, Gabe. You’re a good person, through and through. I would never have wanted to set you up with Maddy if you weren’t.”

“But that’s what you don’t get, Jacey,” I answer. “I’m not good through and through anymore. I’m just not.”

“Did you kill someone while you were in the Rangers?” she asks curiously. “Is that it? Because that’s dumbass, Gabe. Obviously you had to know that you would kill someone if you joined the Army and went to Afghanistan.”

I shake my head. “That’s not it. And yes, I’ve killed people.”

“It’s worse than that?” Jacey is incredulous. “Then maybe I don’t want to know.”

I level a gaze at her. “Trust me, you don’t. But I have a problem now and I don’t know what to do. I didn’t mean to get so close to Madison. I really didn’t. I thought we’d hook up a few times and then I’d go back home. But…”

“But you really like her, don’t you?” Jacey asks knowingly. “I told you a long time ago that you were perfect for each other.”

I sigh. “I do like her. And she’s been through a lot already. She doesn’t deserve my shit. But I’m selfish enough to not want to leave just yet either.”

Jacey pushes her plate away and stares at me over it, her arms crossed and a serious expression pasted on her face.

“Gabriel Joseph Vincent. Do you think you don’t deserve something good in your life? Do you think that whatever happened overseas is so bad that you shouldn’t ever be happy again? Because again, that’s dumbass. You deserve happiness more than anyone I know. In fact, you deserve it more. Listen to me. You need to tell Maddy the truth. Just lay it out there. Let her decide for herself if you’re worth it. You owe it to yourself
and
to her.”

I nod, wiping my mouth and tossing the napkin in the plate.

“OK,” I exhale. “Maybe you’re right.”

“I’m definitely right,” she answers. “And for once it feels good to lecture you, instead of you lecturing me.”

I roll my eyes, we pay the check and then walk out to our cars.

“Seriously, bro. She’s worth it. She really is. She’s tough and prickly on the outside, but she’s got a heart of freaking gold.”

I think back to yesterday, to standing in front of that bonfire watching her bad memories burn, and the vulnerable look on her face.

She’s tough and prickly on the outside but she’s fragile as hell on the inside.

And that’s the part of her that I’m afraid of.

“Thanks for the advice, Sis.” I kiss her on the forehead. “I’ll be home later.”

“And if you’re not, don’t worry about it,” she answers. “We haven’t seen Jared in a while. I think he’s done messing with me now.”

“We can hope,” I answer as I climb back into my car. Before I start it up, I send Maddy a text.

Wanna meet me at the pier by your house after you leave work?

It only takes her a few minutes to reply.

Sure. Why?

I answer back,
I need to talk.

A split second later she answers.
Hmmm. Ok. I’ll see you around 9:30.

I head home and shower, messing around the house for a while, until it’s time to go. I leave a little early and sit on the end of the pier with my legs hanging off, throwing stones until Maddy shows up.

Even if I hadn’t heard her car door slamming in the parking lot, I would feel her presence. She stares a hole between my shoulder blades as she walks down the long pier to meet me. She situates herself next to me, taking a stone from my hand and throwing it. It skips once on the surface of the water, then sinks like the stone that it is.

“So, what’s up?” Maddy asks quietly. From the look on her face, I think she probably thinks that I’m going to end things with her.

“Remember when I told you that I had shit you don’t know?” I ask solemnly, heaving another stone out into the water.

She pretends to think about that. “Yeah, I seem to remember something about that.”

“Well, I decided you should know about it.”

Maddy inhales deeply and stares at me.

“You sure?”

I shake my head. “No. But you were fucking brave yesterday. I’m not pussy enough that I can’t do it too. But you might think I’m a pussy by the time I’m done talking.”

Maddy sticks her chin out and looks me in the eye. “I doubt it, but there’s only one way to find out.”

I take a deep breath, then another. The night air is chilly and fireflies flit around us. For just a second I contemplate changing my mind. But that’s not an option.

Just do it, you fucking pussy.

“OK,” I begin. “You know that I was in Afghanistan with the Rangers. You know that I had to do some shitty things. But there was something, one thing that happened that fucked Brand and me up. It’s why we’re here, in the comfort of air-conditioned homes and eating decent food while our guys are still in the hot-as-hell desert eating MREs.”

Madison stares at me, waiting.

“OK,” she says. “I understand that part. And I know that if it wasn’t something terrible, you wouldn’t be here. I’m ready to hear it. I’m not going to judge you.”

I stare at her in the dark. “I need you to know that it was the worst day of my life. I can’t tell you all of it, but I want you to know what you’re dealing with, OK?”

She stares at me solemnly, nodding.

I inhale, then exhale. My breath sounds ragged in the night but I ignore it. Instead I focus on the words I’m saying, focusing on each one separately so I can get through them all.

“It’s hard to know where to start. Afghanistan was fucking brutal. I guess I can start with that. Hot, sweaty, smelly. Everywhere we went we had to watch over our shoulders. People hated us but pretended they didn’t. It got to be a lot to take. But I could’ve taken it. Forever, if need be, because that was the life I chose. It was what I wanted. But one night something happened that broke me. It completely broke me, Madison.”

I pause, gathering my thoughts, gathering myself before I continue. I can’t even look at Madison’s face. I don’t want to see what she’s thinking.

“One night it was so fucking hot and black, and Brand and I were doing patrols outside of Kabul with our friend Mad Dog. We were leading a four-Humvee convoy, headed to a break-apart point where we would separate into four directions. Right after we separated, a bomb went off. Our Humvee exploded into a million pieces—and it blew Mad Dog apart.”

Madison sucks in her breath, silently waiting for more. I swallow.

“He was a good guy, Maddy. A real good guy. He had a wife and a little baby back home. He got his name from drinking too much cheap ass Mad Dog and he never lost at poker. Ever. He was a good friend. And I repaid him for that by making a decision that blew him into a million fucking pieces.”