If You Leave: The Beautifully Broken Series: Book 2 (35 page)

Everything starts spilling out, one word after another.

How I felt the night I left. How fucking hard it was. What I tried to do with Alex, but couldn’t. How I couldn’t erase Maddy from my mind no matter what I did. How I balanced on the ledge at the hotel and how Brand talked me down. The absolute utter fucking bleakness. The treatment. The therapy. How the little girl doesn’t haunt me as much. How I turned Annie away.

“I missed you every single fucking minute,” I tell her earnestly, honestly. Desperately. “I can’t live without you. Nothing I did could get you out of my head. I was miserable every minute that I was gone.”

I stare at her and she stares back and I can’t read her face.

“It’s like I’m not whole when I’m not with you,” I tell her simply. “You’re a piece of me. A big piece of me. And when you’re gone, I can’t function right. I’m only half a person. I’m so sorry. I know I fucked up. I acted with dishonor. I left you. But I did what I had to do to try and keep you safe. Do you understand? Do you see?”

She looks sick as she looks away.

“I can’t believe you almost slept with someone else,” she says limply. “I was dying here, Gabe. All I could think of was you. I would never have slept with anyone else. I just wouldn’t have. I missed you too much.”

“I missed you too,” I interrupt. “God, I missed you. Every minute. I did a stupid thing, Maddy. I tried to do the only thing I could think of to finally get you out of my head. And it didn’t work. Nothing worked. But if you give me another chance, I swear to God that I won’t hurt you again. I’ll never leave you. I’ll never even look at someone else. You’re all I want.”

Without a word she gets up and walks down to the beach. She is completely silent as she stares out at the water, completely beautiful.

“Maddy?” I finally say after the minutes have ticked past. She turns to me.

“I don’t know what to say,” she admits. “I know I should tell you to leave. To never come back. But honestly, I don’t have it in me. I’m pissed, though. I’m pissed because whoever that woman was, she touched what was mine. You were almost
inside
of her, Gabe. And
you’re mine
. What am I supposed to do with that?”

I take a ragged breath. “You’re supposed to put it out of your mind, Maddy. Never think about it again. Because I didn’t want her. I only wanted you. In my head, it was your face I saw. Your eyes. Your smell. Your hands touching me. Please forgive me, Madison. I don’t deserve you. That much is true.
But all I want is you
. And if I can’t have you, then I don’t want anyone.”

A tear slips down her cheek and she squeezes her eyes shut. I don’t know what to do. I want to grab her, to pull her to me, to never let her out of my sight again, but I don’t know what she wants me to do.

After a minute she opens her eyes.

“Gabriel?” Her voice is small.

“Yes?”

“Open your arms.”

So I do.

I open them wide and she folds into them, burying her face into my chest, and I do what I’ve wanted to do for two weeks. I hold her tight. I breathe in the smell of her hair, I run my hands over the slender expanse of her back.

I tilt her chin up and kiss her mouth, crushing her soft lips with my own.

After a breathless minute she pulls away and stares at me.

“Don’t leave me again.”

I nod, scooping her up into my arms, and carry her into the house.

*     *     *

This is real.

That’s the only thing I can think of as Gabriel carries me into the house and into the bedroom. This is real and Gabriel is here.

I’m not sure what I should be feeling right now, whether I’m letting him off too easily or whether I should try to be standoffish. All I know is I can’t.

Because whatever happened tortured him.

I can see that on his face and it breaks my heart.

And I know that I need him.

I look at him, and for some reason, all the leftover feelings… the being mad at him, the hurt, the fear… it all fades away. I know what’s important now.

Him and me. That’s it.

That’s all that matters. We can sort everything else out.

“I never stopped trusting you,” I tell him honestly. “Not really. When I first realized you were gone, I was pissed. And hurt. But I figured out why you left pretty quickly. And then I was pissed again. But I always trusted that you thought you were doing the right thing.”

He stares at me, his rugged face pensive. “All I want is you,” he tells me quietly. “I promise you. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry that our path has been twisted and hard. But I want you to know… thinking about you gave me the strength to stick it out at CPT. In the back of my head, I always held out the hope that if I could fix
me
, then we could fix
us.
”

I swallow hard. “That was in the back of my mind too. Even when I was pissed at you. Even when I hated you.”

He looks at me, his eyes so stormy. “Don’t hate me, Maddy. I can deal with anything else the world throws at me, but I can’t deal with that. I love you. I’ve known it for a while and I was afraid to say it. I’m not sure that I’m fixed, but I’m sure as hell headed in the right direction. I won’t ever hurt you again—I won’t let it happen. I need for you to know that.”

“I know,” I whisper, pulling him close and clinging to him tight. “I need you, Gabe.”

He swallows. “I need you, too.”

“Then show me,” I whisper.

Without a word he eases me backward onto the bed, covering my body with his own. I’ve missed his weight, the way his body slides against mine just right, pressing into me.

“I missed you,” he says, right before he kisses me. His tongue delves into my mouth and he tastes like spearmint.

He kisses me soft, he kisses me hard, then he groans and fucks my mouth with his tongue, ravaging it like he can’t control himself because he’s missed me that much.

The air around us is desperate and hot and I want to breathe him in.

His hands are everywhere, sliding down my hips, pulling at my clothes. I help kick them away and within a minute we are both naked. The friction is delicious and I revel in the feel of his body against mine.

My hips tilt for him and he cups me there, his mouth tracing my arm.

“I love the way you smell,” he tells me as he runs his lips along my shoulder, kissing my skin lightly as he makes his way back to my mouth. “I dream about that smell.”

I dream about him.

About this.

I lift my legs around his hips and pull him toward me… into me.

And suddenly I feel complete. He takes all of me, right down to my fingertips, to my toes, to the innermost parts of my heart.

My hidden parts.

My secrets.

He takes it and takes it and I give it all.

Because I want him to have it.

As he slides into me I know that I never want to be without him again. It’s a heady feeling and it doesn’t terrify me a bit.

As he slowly thrusts into me, in and out, leisurely, slowly, he skims his hands everywhere… as though he can’t stop touching me.

Like he’s trying to decide if I’m real.

I look into his dark eyes. “I love you,” I whisper.

He grins, a slow smile that spreads to his eyes.

“I know,” he answers, before he buries his face in my neck and shudders from his release. “I love you too. God, I love you.”

His words, ragged and raw, pierce my heart and send me over the edge and I follow him, shaking and arching against him, crying his name as I come.

As I lie beneath him, I know that I could die a happy death here in his arms, and we lie twisted together for what seems like forever, just listening to each other breathe.

But eventually we get hungry, so I make a tray of sliced meat, cheese and crackers and we curl up on the sofa with a bottle of wine.

“What about your nightmares?” I ask as I sip at my wine. “Are they gone?”

He shakes his head. “I’ve had them, but only for part of the night. It used to be a continuous thing, all night long. We can keep our fingers crossed that it lasts. Either way it’s progress. For now, though, I’m going to sleep on your chaise. I don’t want to take any chances just yet.”

I nod, even though I don’t want to. I don’t want to sleep apart, but I also don’t want to get strangled again. So we’ll do what we have to do.

“Did you notice the house?” I ask him quietly and he looks around, only just now noticing the new paint and furniture. “I know you carried me into my old bedroom and I didn’t correct you, but I’ve moved into the master bedroom. I’ve had everything changed… to make it my own.”

Gabe stares at me, with something very close to admiration in his eyes. “So you’ve gone from not being able to open that door to moving in there in two weeks’ time?”

I smile. “I’ve got balls, Gabe. Someone told me that once.”

He smiles back. “You do have balls. Whoever told you that was brilliant.”

We laugh and drop our plates in the sink, then head back to bed, where I curl up in his arms.

“Don’t leave me again,” I tell him before I close my eyes to sleep. “Ever.”

“Don’t worry,” he answers quietly, dropping a kiss on the top of my head. “It’s good to be home.”

I look up at him, struggling to keep my eyes open after this hellishly long day. “Do you really consider Angel Bay home now?”

He brushes the hair away from my face with his strong fingers as he stares down at me.

“Maddy, I consider wherever you are home.”

“We’re on our way in a couple of minutes,” I tell Mila, balancing the phone between my chin and my shoulder as I grab my purse from the kitchen table. “We’re going to stop and get you a milkshake and then we’ll be there. Please don’t make it weird, OK? I’m really not comfortable bringing him out there so soon, but Pax needs me to sit with you, so…” My voice trails off because I’m not sure what to say.

“It’ll be OK,” Mila tells me cheerfully, before she lowers her voice. “Trust me, I understand. But just know that Pax plans on talking to Gabe.”

I freeze. “
Talking
to him?”

I can practically see Mila nod. “Yeah. I told him touching isn’t allowed when he talks to him.”

“Well, thanks for that,” I answer. “Tell him he really doesn’t need to. Gabe and I have worked it out. I know why he left. He had a good reason. He’s only been back for a day. I don’t need for Pax to scare him off already.”

I know Gabriel isn’t going anywhere. But still.

“I know that he left for a good reason,” Mila sighs. “And
you
know that. But Pax just wants to make sure it doesn’t happen again. It’s a man thing, I think.”

“OK,” I sigh as I hang up. Gabe looks at me from the driver’s seat.

“What’s wrong?” he asks as he turns the key and his Camaro fires up. I shake my head.

“Apparently, Pax wants to talk to you about what happened. I’m sorry. I could tell him not to, but it’s probably best just to get it out of the way. He doesn’t have much family and so he’s protective over who he’s got.”

Gabe nods, unaffected. “That’s fine,” he tells me easily. “I respect that. And I deserve it. I’ll listen to whatever he has to say.”

I shake my head. “Men.”

We grab the milkshake and are at Pax and Mila’s within a few minutes.

As we walk up to the front door, Pax opens it. Apparently he’s been watching for us.

“Hey, little brother,” I greet him carefully. “What’s going on?”

Pax is wearing his most intimidating expression as he opens the door wider, motioning for us to come in. If I were a guy, I’d be tucking my tail and running. But Gabe doesn’t. He stands firmly at my side.

“Hey, Mad,” Pax greets me before turning to Gabe. “Can you give us a minute? I’d like to talk to Gabe, if you don’t mind.”

“Actually I
do
,” I tell Pax. “I’ll just stick around for this. And don’t forget what Mila told you. No touching allowed.”

“You don’t need to worry about that,” Pax tells me as we head up into the living room. I glance at him.

“Oh, I think I do. I’ll stay,” I answer firmly.

He shrugs. “Suit yourself. It’s not going to take long,” he says, turning to Gabe.

“I already told you that I respect the hell out of what you did as a Ranger. Because of all the shit you had to do, it doesn’t surprise me that you came home with baggage. That’s fine. I don’t hold that against you.

“But if you ever treat Maddy like that again—if you ever leave her high and dry or lay one finger on her in a way that I don’t approve of, I will fuck you up. You might be an Army Ranger, but don’t ever doubt that I can hold my own.”

Gabe looks at him in the eye as they stand toe-to-toe. Pax’s arm flexes at his side, but Gabe remains relaxed and still.

“I don’t doubt that,” Gabe answers calmly. “Any of it. Trust me, I’m not going to hurt Maddy again. I promised her and I promise you. What I did was shitty. I didn’t know how else to protect her from me, so I just left. If I could do it over, I would think of another way. But I can’t. What I
can
do is promise to never fuck up like that again.”

Pax nods slowly. “That’s all that needs to be said. I respect the hell out of you coming to Tony’s funeral and speaking. That was a stand-up thing to do.”

Gabe nods slowly. “Thanks. It just seemed like the right thing to do.”

There is a pause and I stare at Pax.

“Are you done waving your penis around now? Because I should go see Mila and I don’t want to leave you two alone unless it’s safe.”

He chuckles. “It’s safe, Mad. She’s upstairs, of course. I need to talk to Gabe a little about business before I leave. Thank you again for coming out today. I know that she doesn’t need a babysitter, but I just don’t like her being alone now that her due date is so close.”

“Oh, I agree,” I tell him. “She shouldn’t be alone. It’s not a big deal for me to be here.”

When I walk away, I overhear Pax talking to Gabe about his armor again, something that makes me smile. I knew that he’d only withdrawn from investing because of me.

He’s loyal to the bone.

I climb the stairs and poke my head in Mila’s room.