121
I never knew there was a younger, even scarier version of Ann Marie until I met her assistant.
122
I didn’t let him pay her, of course, although I suspect she may be the reason his three-hundred-dollar Allen Edmonds loafers went missing on that trip. Poor guy had to head to Christmas dinner in a sport coat and a pair of running shoes.
123
One of my tricks is to always have a pack of her brand in my purse whenever we’re together. Her husband keeps a spare carton in the freezer for the same reason.
124
Oh, honey—sometimes “B” is for “Bitch Be Crazy.”
125
But not Jebediah. Never Jebediah.
127
Which essentially calls for us to not exist.
128
And fear of being hobbled.
129
I don’t want to be greedy.
130
As if I wasn’t going to notice all the smoke and extinguisher foam and firemen.
131
Translation: By the order of the Ministry of Defense.
133
Why do they always fly directly at your hair? Why?
134
All of them white and matching!
135
Or down an uprising—I’m not actually sure which side is paying him.
139
Remember when it used to take, like, ten minutes to cook a hot dog? Those were dark days, my friend.
140
I wonder if this is how the Larry Craig scandal started?
143
And there’s certainly no reason in the world to have gardeners
on staff
.You know what? Three months later and that still pisses me off.
144
At least well enough to keep our neighbors from complaining.
145
Ladies, if your man can get in and out of that godforsaken place in less than an hour, please give him a medal or a lap dance or a pie or something. That kind of time management needs to be rewarded.
146
And Google “how much do goats cost?”
148
Although I’m in no position to argue.
149
Had I known you
could
write in jail, I’d have taken care of Vienna long ago and then none of this would have ever happened.
151
The good news is, I can fit into my high school jeans again. The bad news is, they’re acid washed.
152
FTR, Stephenie, that’s how
I’d
describe a meadow.
153
And wasn’t scared of being on the sand
at all
.
154
Methinks Blair Waldorf would make an excellent zombie.
157
Heloderma horridum
. Come on, is that not the best Latin name you’ve ever heard?
158
Their words, not mine. And yes, I had to choke back a laugh when they said that, too.
159
Or have something bad happen to Vlad’s family. With Babcia, you kind of never know.
160
Like Abington Cambs would ever allow a Laundromat to sully their town green!
161
Apparently this is a big deal.
162
When you give instruction on how an actor’s supposed to say a line, e.g., “dryly.”
165
Nat’s been very clear that I should not actually verbalize this sentiment.
166
Am scarred from our old bathroom situation.
168
Apparently it wasn’t hard to remove once it was cut in half.
169
And no one fucking forgot it.
171
No doubt to pick out Miriam’s bikini.
172
Babcia paid for first class on my solemn word that I would create a role for Kevin Spacey.
173
You don’t spend four years living with someone without learning a few of her tricks.
174
Their words, not ours.
Nonfiction Titles by
New York Times
Bestselling Author Jen Lancaster
Bitter Is the New Black
Bright Lights, Big Ass
Such a Pretty Fat
Pretty in Plaid
My Fair Lazy