I'll Be Here (14 page)

Dustin

I read it twice, my eyes lingering on the words.  The jellybeans had been a treat for Aaron who actually did eat the black ones because he’s strange like that. 

You were a good girlfriend.

What the hell is he getting at?

And the party?

Yeah right.

Because it would make a lot of sense for me to show up at my ex-boyfriend’s party and watch him make-out in a corner with my ex-friend while a bunch of people that don’t seem to like me very much stand around and talk about how awkward it is that I came to the party in the first place.  

***

I lace my sneakers.  Double-knots.

This is the first time I’ve jogged since the breakup and my quads are tight and stiff.  As part of my stretching routine I grab my ankle and pull it up behind me with my heel held against my butt.  Today I repeat the stretch twice to make sure my muscles are loosened up.

Jogging was really Dustin’s thing.  I picked it up the first year that we were together since he was always training for the track team and I wanted to suck all of him in, like a breath of air that I’d gulp down before diving headfirst into the water.  Dustin was thrilled that I wanted to run with him.  Mom was pleased that I’d taken an interest in keeping my body healthy.  In fact, it may be the only time that Dustin and my mother ever agreed on anything. 

With my earbuds snuggly in place and the beat of my favorite band filling me, I start out slowly.  My feet are tentative against the pavement.  My breathing is shallow. But when I round the corner where the narrow neighborhood roads meet and braid together to make one larger street, I let myself go. 

I run. 

I run like I’m screaming bloody murder.  Legs throbbing like a tidal heartbeat, arms pumping like stumpy wings at my side.  For one second, when the wind is whipping my sweat cold and the trees are green slurs blowing by, I think I might actually do it.  I might take off.   

There’s a familiar deep blue Toyota parked in the driveway when I come back from my run.  Sunlight flashes in the side mirror.  My nervousness picks up as I walk up the driveway.  Tugging gently, I pull my earbuds out and let them dangle over my right shoulder.

Voices and laughter greet me at the door.  Using my toes for leverage, I slide out of my running sneakers.  Aaron is propped up on his elbows, his belly flat on the floor, coloring a rocket-shaped cutout. 

“Willow honey!  Don’t you look amazing.”

I grin.  “Unfortunately I don’t smell amazing at the moment.”

“Nonsense,” Brooke says pulling me into a quick hug.  Her dark hair brushes my shoulder.  She steps back to look at me, her hands still gripping my upper arms. 

I am hit full force by how alike she and Alex are, down to the clear faceted eyes and the curve of her cheekbones. 

“Tell me what you’ve been up to lately,” she says.

Mom emerges from the kitchen wiping her hands on her khaki shorts.  “Hi sweetie!  Brooke was just dropping off a brochure about the retreat we’re going on next month and I told her she should stay for dinner, but—”

“But Pete’s waiting on me,” Brooke finishes for her.  I think they share a look but I’m not sure.  Maybe I’m being paranoid.  “He’s making a new shrimp dish that he’s been wanting us to try for ages.” 

She wraps her arm around me and swings us towards the couch.  “I have a minute though.  Tell me—are you looking forward to graduation?”

I nod.  “Yeah.  Just a few more papers due and then finals and then I’ll be official.”

“Pete and I will both be there of course.  We wouldn’t miss the chance to see you in your cap and gown.  But I promise not to make you pose for too many pictures.  I thought Alex was going to kill me and stuff me in my camera bag at his graduation.”  She laughs at the memory and inclines her head to me. 

“In all honesty, I did take too many photos.  It’s not every day your only child graduates, is it?”

I shake my head. 

“You know,” Brooke says raising her eyebrows and taps her chin with her index finger.  “We need to get you guys together this summer.”

The room tilts.  My breath hitches in my throat. 

She’s watching me closely, scanning my face with her crystal blue eyes.  “You can talk about school.  He’ll be sure to have lots of pointers for you about college next year since you’ll be in the same place.  You’ll want to take advantage of him.”

Sigh.

I sure will.

***

After Brooke leaves, I can’t stop thinking about Alex and the way that we’d left things last weekend.  I think about the way that his skin felt and the warmth of his breath and how he’d looked almost jealous when Lance had grabbed me.  I know it’s stupid to want Alex to be jealous—of a gay guy no less—but, I can’t help the tiny thrill it sends through me.  And I can’t help when my breathing becomes more ragged as I think about his eyes moving over me and what it would feel like to have his lips do the same.  Needless to say, sleep is not so easy to come by.

I’ll be here.

I’ll be here.

Could I have been a little vaguer?  Did he think that I meant I’ll be here
in town
or more I specifically
at the pier
or just alive in general?  As in,
I’ll be here on this great planet of ours and I hope you are too, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we’ll ever see each other again. 

Am I supposed to call him?  Should I message him on Facebook or send him a text?  Texting seems more casual.  I want to appear casual, not conflicted or like I’m trying too hard.  Because I’m not.  No way.  I am not trying
anything with Alex.  Definitely not.

Ack!

I’m a spaz. 

Okay, calm down Willow. 

It’s easy to imagine that Alex was flirting with me.  That’s definitely what it felt like, but that can’t be what was happening, right? 

Right. 

Alex Faber wasn’t
flirting
with me, he was being
friendly
.  He’s a friendly guy.  He likes people.  People like him.  They talk to him.  He talks to them.  That’s what we were doing.  Talking.  Nothing more. 

Alex is in
college.
  He’s got better things to do than flirt with high school girls.  Especially me.  We’ve been down that road before and I know that he doesn’t see me
that
way. 

He was
not
flirting with me.

I’m not even going to think about it anymore.

Or the fact that he looked wonderful.

Of course he did.  He
is
wonderful.  He’s this smart, attractive, tremendous person but that doesn’t have to mean anything to me.  It’s just nice for the human race.  You know, to have such a great person.  The bottom line is that the world is filled with lots of great people and I don’t go falling in love with them. 

I am
not
in love with Alex Faber.

I like him, but I don’t
like
like him. 

Plus, I shouldn’t even be thinking about this!  I am in no shape to think about any guys right now.  My boyfriend just broke up with me and is now dating my ex-friend.  I’m a disaster.  My heart is in a fragile state.

“You missed my party.” 

The voice surprises me out of my thoughts.  “What?” 

I look up.  It’s Dustin.  He’s standing in front of me with a look on his face.  I don’t know the look.  I’m not sure that I like the look.

He’s wearing the shirt we picked out together at the mall.  The blue one with the thin green stripes that I love.  It compliments his tanned skin and hugs his chest just right.  Great.  If only I hadn’t noticed that.

I’m sitting on a wooden bench on the outskirts of the quad.  My Spanish notes are sprawled on the seat beside me.  I was supposed to be studying for a quiz but I was letting myself get consumed with thoughts of boys.  Story of my life.

Dustin shuffles my notes into a messy pile so that he can sit down and then he’s next to me and my calf is touching his bare leg.  His special Dustin smell of cologne and leather surrounds me and it’s nice and decidedly weird all at once.

“You missed the party last night,” he repeats.  “I was really hoping that you’d show.”

He was?
  “Oh, I—uh—I had to work.” 

Dustin looks at me.  He knows that I usually only work at Patty’s office on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I wonder if he’ll call me on my lie.  Instead, his lips purse ever so slightly and he says, “We won the track meet.”

I automatically smile and nudge his arm.  “Good for you.  See all those sprints that I forced you to do at the beach last summer paid off.”

Dustin reluctantly grins, flashing a bit of his dimple.  “I guess they did.  I should be grateful.  Shin splints and all.” 

“You’re damn right.”    

I’m just forming the thought that this isn’t so weird and that maybe Dustin, Taylor and I really can all exist in the same universe when I realize that he’s staring at me and it’s not so much that he’s staring, it’s the
way
that he’s staring.  I feel myself blushing and my heart starts pounding.  He looks away.

“Soooo…”  The word stretches out into the air between us…  “Sorry about the party.  I thought about coming but it’s not like I’ve been popular recently and I didn’t think that your girlfriend would exactly jump for joy if she saw me there.” 

Lie.  Lie.  Lie.  I did
not
think about going.  Not even close.  But Dustin doesn’t need to be privy to that information. 

Dustin winces.  “Willow, I’m sorry about all the crap that you’ve been putting up with.  I told Taylor to back off and you know that Allison and those other girls are just being bitchy because that’s what they do best.  You didn’t deserve that shit and I’m sorry that I let it happen.” 

He inhales deeply.  “I was serious about what I said in my note.  I’m sorry about a lot of things.  You were a good girlfriend and I didn’t appreciate that and Taylor is… Well, she’s not you.” 

Ack!  My head is groaning trying to figure out what he means.  I really need a translator to accompany me during these encounters.

I open my mouth to speak, but before sound makes it out of my mouth, Taylor is standing in front of us.  She clears her throat and gazes down at me with daggers in her brown eyes. 

“
What
am I babe?”  She manages to squish onto the bench between us which is not incredibly awkward or anything.

Dustin’s eyes get wide.  “Wh-what?” 

Taylor’s annoyance reaches a new level.  I picture her head exploding as her lips move.  “You were talking about me?”

“Uh…  I—umm...”  Dustin glances down at her hand on his arm and back at me.  He looks like a child who just got caught with a piece of candy that he was not supposed to be eating.

I scoot forward on the bench.  “Dustin was asking me about that quiz that we’re supposed to have in calculus.  We used to study together and he was telling me that he didn’t like to bother you with it.” 

Wow.  I am impressed with how self-assured and normal I sound.  No one would know that my stomach is churning like the paddlewheel on an old-fashioned steamboat.

She doesn’t acknowledge me but gives Dustin a feminine pouty face.  “You should have told me
baby
.  I could have helped you study for that last test.  I don’t think you have to be a genius to help in calculus.”

No.  But you have to have a basic understanding of mathematic principals and if I remember correctly you baked your way out of a failing grade in Algebra by chairing the bake sale that was Mrs. Vaughn’s pet project.

Okay.  I don’t say this.  Not really.  Only in my head.  And for now that is satisfying enough.

Taylor pecks Dustin on the cheek and he smiles weakly.  I stand up and shove my notes into my backpack because I don’t need to subject myself to this crap anymore.  Sure, Dustin’s giving me a guilty look, but that doesn’t mean that I have to give him a free pass to flaunt his new relationship in front of me.    

“The Hooch.  This Saturday night.”  He says this to my back and I lift my hand so that he knows that I heard him but I don’t turn around.  I don’t want to see the look on Taylor’s face.

Laney’s standing at the archway in front of the building texting on her phone. 

“What was that about?”  She asks, gesturing to the bench where our odd threesome had been sitting. 

I close my eyes.  “Nothing important.” 

As we round the corner, I turn back to see Taylor nestling her head on Dustin’s shoulder.  “We were talking.  He wanted me to go to some party or something.  Taylor interrupted us.”

Laney’s eyes widen.  “You still have feelings for him, huh?”

I sigh through my nose but I don’t answer.

She tilts her head.  “Do you love him?” 

I don’t know how to answer that.  I guess my heart still hurts when I think about him.  There’s a pit in my stomach right now.  Is that the same as love?  I’m not sure anymore.  There’s this part of me that wishes that I could tell Laney that I’m a strong, powerful woman and I don’t need a man—rah-rah-rah girl power and all that.  But that’s not how I feel.  I still feel empty and I’m not sure if Dustin Rant is what I need to be full.  I can’t remember what being full feels like. 

“I don’t know.”

She nods.  “You know what you need to do, right?”

I shake my head.  Obviously if I knew what I need to be doing I would be doing it. 

“Duh.”  The expression on her face can only be described as exasperation.  “You need to make him jealous.”

***

“Pass me the white-out please.” 

I stand up and take the small bottle over to Smirna’s desk.  She unscrews the lid and carefully paints over a smudge on the ledger.  Fanning her hand and blowing, she gives me a thoughtful look over the edge of the paper.  “The thing to remember is that you’re young.  This is the time to make mistakes and learn from them, no?”

“Does that mean that we should learn from them
together
or apart?” 

She laughs.  “If all the answers were so easy then we’d all have it figured out.”