I'll Have What She's Having: My Adventures in Celebrity Dieting (5 page)

V
ictoria Adams, a.k.a. Posh Spice, a.k.a. Victoria Beckham, is known not only for her nonverbal tenure with the Spice Girls and her eventual ascension to the perch of successful fashion designer but also for her tremendously svelte frame, which has survived several pregnancies unscathed. She once told an interviewer, “I’m not going to lie – I’m not one of those people that says, ‘Oh, I eat hamburgers.’” It is nice that she is honest in a world of liars, although a woman who wrote a 528-page autobiography when she was only twenty-seven probably does not have a problem with honesty. I actually read this autobiography and I loved it! It chronicled the whole story of her life and ended with a whodunit mystery. Even Mark Twain couldn’t do that.

Even though I am now almost woefully experienced at dieting, I am slightly nervous about trying Victoria’s various diets. Beckham is known for her commitment to dieting. One time, at a restaurant, she ate only arugula, and it didn’t even have any dressing on it. Can mere mortals do what she does to stay skinny?

In recent years, Posh has publicized her diets, reportedly following the Five Hands Diet after her daughter, Harper, was born and later tweeting about the Honestly Healthy alkaline diet. I plan to follow all of these regimens, although I do not have Victoria’s stamina, willpower, or ability to just pose while other people are singing.

The Five Hands Diet is exactly what it sounds like. You eat only five handfuls of food in a day and then for some unknown reason you declare yourself full. A fun surprise about this diet is that the portion is not even really the size of a hand. It is actually the size of a palm. The five hands (palms) of food have to be protein. Of course, you can have as many vegetables as you want. (But who cares? You can always have that on every diet. It seems a hollow gesture.)

I start the day off with two eggs. They are small eggs because they have to fit in my palm. It’s not a terrible breakfast, but it is a terrifying breakfast, because I realize how little a palm actually holds. I know I do not have the self-control of Victoria. I didn’t have a fruit plate instead of a cake for my birthday like she did in 2012. (Although one time Victoria’s mom made her a cake in the shape of a fruit plate. There is a picture of it in her autobiography.)

After my eggs, I go to the gym. Early on in her career, Victoria said she never went to the gym and hated it. She even posed the question “What do you wear on the running machine?” because she never wore flat shoes. But at some point during her tenure in Los Angeles she decided to start running. Now apparently she cycles in an egg pod to prevent cellulite. This is what America does to people.

So now that Victoria is all into running, I suppose I’ll try it too (especially because where did she find an egg pod to ride a bike in?). I go to my gym (an oft-forgotten friend) and try my hand at the treadmill. Running is really rather difficult. All the bouncing makes for poor TV watching. I last only ten minutes and quickly exit.

After the gym, I decide to eat a small hand-size portion of a protein-based kale smoothie. (This is hard to measure, but I think I do a good job.) This does not fill me. In an hour I have a palm-size portion of a protein bar. I feel an odd sense of panic.

Another thing to know about Posh is that she has actually written not one but two books! In 2006, Posh followed up her autobiography with a book called
That Extra Half an Inch
– a 384-page fashion advice book. (The woman writes in an expansive style.) I suppose it’s a bit dated now. For example, Victoria says, “One thing I really love is a starchy tulle skirt. They can really prettify an outfit.” She also recommends bringing lacquered beads and velvet opera gloves to a party.

But anyway, in the book, she confesses to wearing fake nails (and fake toenails!). And at around 4:00 p.m., in my most desperate moment on the Five Hands Diet, I consider getting very long fake nails like Howard Hughes just so my hand will be slightly longer and therefore able to accommodate more food. And then I remember that this is really the palm diet. Nails don’t matter. And I sob on the street.

I know that other people graze all day and it doesn’t affect them in the least, and they feel energized and fulfilled. I, definitively, do not. I need big, serious meals to feel complete, like Henry VIII. I am dying when I have my last snack of almonds at 4:00 p.m., and when I finally eat at 9:00 p.m., I eat far more than the handful of sashimi I thought I was going to eat. I end up eating an actual hand of sushi. With nails!

Victoria Beckham actually tweeted about the alkaline diet relatively recently, and I took it upon myself to find out what that was all about. Usually VB (which is how she signs her Twitter) tweets about her new collection or a “vintage” Spice Girls pizza that has been frozen in her fridge for ten years, so I am assuming this diet is important. I bought the book VB recommends, called
Honestly
Healthy: Eat with your body in mind, the alkaline way
. It’s a really nice-looking cookbook; it even has a vegetable mini-pizza on the front!

Honestly Healthy
is based on the idea that you should be eating “alkaline” foods, a.k.a. foods that are not acidic. Luckily, acidic foods happen to be all fats, all meats, all eggs, and most carbohydrates. What a coincidence! It seems to me like a way to cut out all fat by pretending that fat is acid. For example,
lemons
are alkaline? I mean, that makes as much sense as the lyrics to “Spice Up Your Life.”

My first day on the alkaline diet starts out rather well. I begin the day with a bok choy shake and quinoa-flake porridge with homemade macadamia nut milk and pomegranate seeds. The bok choy shake is whatever (the green drinks are just turning into one long blur at this point), but the porridge is actually absolutely delicious. I love macadamia nut milk! It tastes almost as good as real milk. And the porridge tastes a bit like porridge. Victory in our time.

The problem with flying to great heights is that like the Spice Girls, you think you can do anything. Sponsor a frozen pizza. Call an album
Schizophonic
. Get really long extensions with one nonmatching streak in them. Guess what? You can’t. You can’t do any of that. Just because you’re in the Spice Girls doesn’t mean that all is permitted. You’re going to fall back to earth eventually.

I experience the fallout from this sort of hubris when I decide to make the falafel in
Honestly Healthy
. I am flying so high from the whole nut-milk thing, and it actually doesn’t even bother me at first that this falafel is made entirely of seeds and held together by carrots. I just mosey along, like Victoria starting a jeans collection. I realize something is amiss after I grind up all the seeds and the carrots in a blender and try to make falafel-style balls with them. Here is a tip for your future: You cannot make seeds into balls. You just can’t. Even if you bake them at very low heat, like they say to in
Honestly Healthy
(which is starting to sound like a spiritual text!). It’s simply impossible. I eat a couple of the seeds, but after a while I just give up.

After lunch, I decide to have dinner, which is soybean broth with a bunch of vegetables in it. It is terrible and I throw out most of it. I’m exhausted and hungry, and the food was so disgusting today I realize I didn’t even eat five hands of food. I ate, like, three hands. Posh, how do you do it?

Day 3 starts with a relatively normal breakfast of avocado toast. I usually find that a hearty breakfast, but I’m absolutely starving when I eat it. Maybe I like acid?

Finally, I go to lunch in the Meatpacking District, in anticipation of VB’s first store, which will be opening up there in the fall. When you think about it, it is kind of amazing that Posh has transformed her life to this degree. She went from a soccer wife to a phenomenally successful fashion designer. You could tell from the nascent days of the Spice Girls that she is obsessed with clothing. There is a harrowing scene in her autobiography where she sleeps in Gianni Versace’s bed.

Anyway, in order to celebrate Victoria’s becoming the woman she wanted to become, I am going to order the “girlie” lunch menu she planned for her
Vogue
interview (“no tomatoes in the salad, balsamic vinegar instead of vinaigrette, a Diet Coke”), but at the last minute I order chicken. Even though chicken is an acidic food! The diet has come to an end.

After my travails are finished, for “research” I actually watch the movie
Spice World
. I used to think that was such a boring movie when I was little (my sister loved it). The problem was, I totally didn’t get it at the time. It’s actually a genius satire on the concentric circles of fame and capitalism in Cool Britannia – even a metatextual comment on how ridiculous a “Spice Girls movie” is as a thing. Essentially, it’s in on its own joke. And Victoria Beckham is too. As she says, “I’m so camp! I’m such a gay man trying to get out. I don’t give a f**k what anybody thinks!”

I
have seen Beyoncé’s HBO documentary,
Life Is But a Dream
, a startling number of times. There are so many parts I like: When Beyoncé brings her computer into an elevator and films herself in the elevator. When Beyoncé talks to a mysterious man off-camera who is wearing glasses. When Beyoncé says, “Life is but a dream!” to Jay Z and Feist is playing in the background. I could go on.

But my favorite part of all is when Beyoncé prepares for her performance at the 2011 Billboard Music Awards. At first, it looks like the whole thing is going to be a disaster. The rehearsal space gets screwed up. The special effects guys are worried about the army of digital Beyoncés they are making out of computers. Beyoncé has to coordinate her dancing with the digital Beyoncés, which is difficult. Finally, Beyoncé does a video diary. Only one eye is shown on-camera, and the other eye is off-camera for some reason. Beyoncé talks about throwing in the towel and giving up. She can accept defeat when she is defeated, she says. You think it’s all over. Then the next scene is the most amazing performance I have ever seen a human do.

This is the thing about Beyoncé: She has the best baby, and she gives performances normal people couldn’t ever do even with ten years of rehearsal time. Naturally, her fitness and dieting regimens are things mere mortals can barely contemplate. As a professional dieter, I have to do her various diets before I die. But will my attempting Beyoncé’s lifestyle be a hard-luck story that ultimately pays off with amazing success, like Beyoncé at the Billboard Music Awards? Or just a regular hard-luck story, which usually ends in failure?

One thing I have always enjoyed about Beyoncé is that she’s very open about how hard it is to eat like she does. This is refreshing, as most celebrities are always saying crazy things like, “I eat pizza but I eat it moderately.” One time Beyoncé called herself “a natural fat person, just dying to get out.”

I have decided to do the entire range of Beyoncé’s diets. I will endure the Master Cleanse, which Beyoncé endured when she lost weight for
Dreamgirls
; I will attempt the Herculean diet Beyoncé used to lose weight after birthing Blue Ivy. I will subject myself to Beyoncé’s daily fitness and nutritional travails. I mean, this is a woman who, in 2005, hired someone to film her for sixteen hours a day. She knows how to look good.

Beyoncé was apparently inspired by Tom Hanks, who lost fifty pounds for his role in
Cast Away
, when she decided to lose twenty pounds for her part in
Dreamgirls
. To do it, she decided to use the Master Cleanse, a diet first developed in the forties that involves consuming only lemonade made out of cayenne pepper, lemons, and grade-B maple syrup (do
not
get grade A, in the Lord’s name) nine times a day. You can’t eat food. You also have to consume something called the Salt Water Flush (salt water that you drink while looking at yourself in the mirror, according to a forum on the subject) that is supposed to “help” your digestive tract.

Now, as a veteran dieter, I have done the Master Cleanse before. Of course I have! It was all the rage in 2006 because of Beyoncé. I have to say, the first time I tried it, I did not love it. I lasted only a day or two. One of my big problems was that I didn’t understand the Salt Water Flush. This time, however, in the name of journalistic integrity, I have decided I will try the Master Cleanse in a real way. Just like Tom Hanks did for
Cast Away
.

So, bright and early on a spectacularly gray Monday, I get all the ingredients at the grocery store and set about making my lemonade. It’s hard to squeeze the lemons by hand (I have very weak arms), but the lemonade itself is not bad. It tastes like a spicier version of regular lemonade. For the first couple of hours I’m on the diet, it’s fine. The spiciness of the lemonade mitigates my hunger throughout the morning. By 3:00 p.m., however, my stomach starts to feel the effect of food deprivation. It is hard to have lemonade for dinner. I don’t recommend it.

Later, I go to a vaudevillian revue in a basement. While I’m watching a man put on a surgical gown and sing a humorous song about being a doctor, I think about how Beyoncé said she felt “cranky” on the Master Cleanse because other people on the
Dreamgirls
set were eating Krispy Kremes near her. The one good thing about this vaudeville revue is that they don’t serve Krispy Kremes at all, just Shirley Temples with vodka in them. But even those are making me so hungry I eventually have to leave.

The next day, however, something odd happens. I’m way less hungry than I was the day before. I actually look forward to my spicy lemonade, as if it were an old friend. I don’t even really care when people eat food near me. Has the Master Cleanse rid me of the need for solid food? It is a question.

I’m moving out of my tiny midtown garret (to a location unknown! I still do not have an apartment), but this does not stop me from Master Cleansing. At this point, I have completely conquered hunger. I feel like an eleven-year-old Beyoncé running a punishing rehearsal with an early version of Destiny’s Child. I don’t even want solid food. I offer my movers Master Cleanse lemonade, but they say no.

I go to Dunkin’ Donuts to get doughnuts for the movers and I force myself to have a tiny piece of a doughnut. It’s actually a little scary. I’ve lost four pounds in the space of three days.

Off the Master Cleanse, but still not particularly hungry, I decide to embark on Beyoncé’s cheat day. Apparently once a week, Beyoncé consumes “pizza and wine.” In solidarity with B, I decide to have that exact same meal. I regain my appetite after eating the first piece of pizza. I end up eating four pieces.

Beyoncé has a very extensive tour rider. One time, she requested red toilet paper. She also asks for “oatcakes,” which resemble a dry tea biscuit in which oats play a prominent role. While apple picking with my friends in upstate New York, I nosh on the aforementioned oatcakes while my friends eat delicious bread and cheese. Oatcakes aren’t bad, but they aren’t very filling in comparison.

Later, my friends take several photos of me eating an apple and put them on Instagram. If I had been Beyoncé, I would have demanded they take them down, but as it is I’m too scared.

For the next two days, I’m doing what is probably the hardest part of all Beyoncé’s diets: the post-pregnancy eating plan that allowed her to lose sixty pounds in three months.

This particular diet is very rich in protein, like most good diets in vogue today. You start the day with egg whites, consume slices of turkey with capers for lunch, eat cucumbers with vinegar and lemon for snacks, and finish the day with yellowtail sashimi with jalapeños and wasabi. Sometimes you are allowed to have frozen yogurt.

I have to say, the actual food on this diet is not terrible. It’s sparse, yes, but flavorful. If I were not slowly going broke from ordering all that yellowtail sashimi at my local sushi place, it would generally be fine.

The real hardship of this particular regimen is the exercise. Beyoncé worked out for two hours a day to get rid of her baby weight, and it is hard for a working woman with a busy schedule of going to vaudeville revues to find the time for that. I end up splitting the workouts into an hour-long strength-training routine and an hour-long run. It’s Beyoncé’s music that gets me through it. I keep listening to the song “Run the World (Girls),” but in my head I change the lyrics to keep me motivated. “If women really ran the world (girls!) I would not be running for two hours. LOL! They don’t run anything!” Har har har. Whatever, working out for two hours is lonely.

Today, I eat the “Sasha Salad,” a favorite salad of Beyoncé’s, based, I imagine, on her former alter ego Sasha Fierce. (Beyoncé eventually killed her.) It is a chicken salad with jalapeños in it. It’s okay. For research, I looked up “Sasha Fierce” on Wiki Answers, and they define her as a “sociable” twenties singer famous for “curing the Great Dpression [
sic
] in America” and working at the post office.

The diet is completed! (Run the world, girls!) And I feel like a new woman. This is the most effective regimen I have ever undertaken. Between the Master Cleanse and Beyoncé’s post-pregnancy diet, I have lost ten pounds. I never lost this much weight, even while eating the protein sachets of Karl Lagerfeld. Beyoncé is really good at life.