Illusion (14 page)

             
Instead of saying that, I answer him without being too honest. "No." Because Kirt is no longer my boyfriend. Or even my fiancé. Harvey is the only boyfriend I have. Maybe. I don't know now, not after what I just did to him behind his back.

             
I bring out a pair of black jersey shorts that'll probably fit him perfectly. He is a little taller than what Kirt was, and maybe a little smaller in the waist, but not by much. He grabs them from me, thanks me, then does something completely absurd. He pulls his jeans off right in front of me.

             
Of course it takes me by surprise and my eyes immediately go to where they shouldn't. It's like watching a car accident. You know its best not to look, but you can't help it. You're curious and nosey, and you become glued to it. His junk inside those boxer briefs are that to me. He slides the shorts on and when he is completely covered, I meet his eyes again. My face immediately burns when I see the look he is giving me.

             
"You're a perv," he says. His tone amused and joking, but I know he means what he says.

             
"Not usually," I answer honestly. I used to be with Kirt, but that had ended. Or so I thought.

             
"Oh, so you just like what you see?"

             
I glare at him and sit back on the couch, crossing my arms. "Shut up."

             
He chuckles and settles into his seat too. The movie is almost over and I'm not at all tired. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when it's done. Watch another movie with Brice? Is that safe? And is he still staying here after the movie ends? I mean, it'd be a little rude to me if he just did... that... with me, then he leaves to go screw my sister. Or screws her on my couch, in the same spot he just dry fucked me. Oh hell no.

             
"Are you screwing my sister tonight?" I blurt it out before I even process the words in my head.

             
I cover my mouth instantly after and turn my face to look at Brice who looks just as shocked as I feel. "What?" He tilts his head, clearly confused by my outburst.

             
"You heard me," I say under my hands.

             
"Yeah, I did hear you, but why would you assume that? After we just." He points to the space between us and he looks over at his discarded jeans before catching my gaze again.

             
I slowly pull my hands away from my face and give him a shy and embarrassed expression. "I thought that is why you were still here."

             
He closes his eyes as he shakes his head. "You don't get it," he says.

             
"Get what?"

             
"That I like you." His eyes open and he stares at me intently. He likes me? Me? Since when? Why? And why did he come over so late last night to pick my sister up at the airport, and how come he came out with us tonight and danced only with her? And why is he still here, waiting for her to get back? I don't understand any of it.

             
He seems to notice the questions playing in my head and he answers all my unasked ones. "For you, Zoey. It was all for you."

             
"Oh."

             
"Maybe I should." He stands and grabs his shirt, sliding it on his arms, then starts to button it while I just stare at him.

             
"I have a boyfriend, you know," I tell him. I feel guilty immediately after it leaves my mouth.

             
He looks at me, a little sad. "Yeah, tell him I said hi." He grabs his jeans and walks out the door. I don't say anything to him and I feel all sorts of emotions running deep inside. I can't cry. I try to, I feel the need to, but I can't. That damn medicine, I think to myself. It's awesome most days, but right now, I want to release the tension and the tears and it's actually completely impossible to do.

             
Frustrated, I walk into my room and throw myself down onto the bed. I scream into the pillow, getting out as many frustrations as I possibly can. I roll onto my back and look up to the ceiling. It's been almost a week since I've spoken to Kirt. I'm speaking to him less and less, now that I'm around Harvey so much.

             
"What did I do?" I ask him, knowing he won't give me an answer. "I screwed up big time, didn't I? I had a good thing with Harvey, he was helping me heal, and I go and screw that all up. Because all of a sudden, here comes Brice, tumbling on in, shaking my world apart in just a matter of minutes. Minutes! How did I not see the signs Kirt?"

             
I pull at my hair as I exhale another big breath. "I'm talking to my dead fiancé, ex fiancé, about a guy I'm seeing and a guy I nearly screwed on my couch. Wow! I think there is more wrong with me than I had realized."

             
Looking into the mirror, I tell myself that everything will be okay. I'm over reacting, and in less than a year, everything in our life will be perfect. Kirt comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. As his chin rests on my shoulder, he stares at my reflection in the mirror just as I stare at his.

             
"You're stressing yourself right out, baby."

             
"Sorry," I tell him.

             
He kisses my shoulder and rests his chin there once again. "Don't apologize. I just feel bad. I didn't mean to stress you out like this. I know you're mad at me for all this, and I know it'll be hard while I'm away, but I'll write you letters every chance I get. We can do that video chat shit, I'll be able to call you sometimes. We'll make this work. And when I get home, we'll be closer than ever."

             
"Yeah, I guess you're right. I just don't know what to do without you Kirt."

             
"Then pretend I'm here with you." His hand goes up and covers my heart. "I'm always in here, always. No matter where in the world I am, no matter what I'm doing, a piece of me lives inside your heart and soul. As a piece of you will always remain with me. If you need to talk to me and I'm not there, talk to me anyways. Tell me everything you need to tell me, get it off your chest and clear you mind. It may sound crazy now, but I promise you it'll help you."

             
I turn my body so he can wrap me in his arms. "Yeah, it does sound a little crazy."

             
"Will you do it though?"
              I look up at him, resting my chin on his chest. "Of course I will."

             
He kisses my forehead then let's me go. "Good. I bet I'll hear every word you speak to me too."

             
"You're clearly insane."

             
"For you."

              "So can you hear me?" I ask.

             
Nothing. Of course there is nothing but silence.

             
"Yeah, that is what I thought. I believed every single thing that you told me, but sometimes I'm not so sure why. You made me believe everything that came out of your mouth. Every promise, every lie. All of it. I believed you Kirt and you failed me! I don't know if to yell and be angry, or feel like an idiot, or ball my freaking eyes out. Not that I can!" I yell the last of the words.

             
"I'm being stupid. I just miss you, Kirt. I miss you so much. I just want your arms around me tonight. I want your love and protection, babe. I don't just want you, I need you! You were my best friend, my life, my other half, all of it. You were everything to me. I hate that every day I'm losing more of you. I hate that I can move on, that I can live my life while you're up there, watching down on me."

             
I close my eyes and bring the blankets up to cover me. "Can you touch me?" I ask, trying to feel his presence but I can't. "Can you see me? ...Hear me? ...Do you still love me after I've failed you? What is it like up there Kirt? Is there even an afterlife? I wish there was a sign, some sign, that I could know that I haven't completely lost it. That I haven't completely lost you."

             
I hear the door open then latch back close. There is a wrestling with the security bolt on the door. I pray to God it's my sister. I keep my eyes close, shut my mouth, and pretend to be sleeping. I can hear someone fiddling around in the fridge, then a burp and hiccup. Yeah, that's Emi alright. She doesn't come in the room, and I hear her turn the TV off. Then the squeak of the couch and nothing more. I open my eyes and look around before rolling onto my side.

             
"Night, Kirt. I love you." I drift off to sleep after that.

             
I roll over and see Kirt facing me. I can't tell for a moment it's a dream, but since he is laying with me, it has to be. He found my apartment in New York, he found my bed, he found me. He found me. He answered me the only way he could, he came into my dreams.

             
"Hi," I say to him.

             
He doesn't smile but he doesn't scowl either, he just watches me closely. "I'm so sorry," he whispers.

             
He hasn't said those words to me once since he passed away. It feels nice hearing him tell me that finally. I knew he was sorry, I've known that all along, but to hear it one last time, knowing how sincere he is about leaving me alone for the rest of my existence, it's nice. It's better than nice. This is the best I'll get of Kirt until I meet him in the afterlife.

             
"I know," I tell him.

             
"I wish I could comfort you more."

             
"Me too."

             
He reaches over and presses his hand to my cheek. I push my face into his endearing gesture. It's not warm like I'd like, but I can feel it there. It gives me a thrilling comfort. "I shouldn't be here."

             
"I'm glad you are."

             
"I can't come back."

             
"Don't leave me yet."

             
His lips lift into a sad, small smile. "I won't, yet. But I have to soon. It's almost time for you to wake up."

             
"I'd rather sleep forever Kirt, if that means I can see you."

             
He shakes his head softly. "I only have a few more minutes’ baby."

             
"Are you mad at me?"

             
His eyes memorize my features as he thinks about my question. "I could never be mad at you. You're living, you're breathing, you're being a human being. You're bound to make mistakes. You're supposed to move on. You're supposed to be living each day, baby. Continue what you're doing and don't question things so much. Okay?"

             
"Okay," I answer. I don't want to live without him, it's been so hard until recently. "I will always love you most."

             
"I know. And you'll always be my one true love. I'm your guardian angel sunshine, and I always will be."

             
I can actually feel him fading from me. "Don't go," I plead.

             
"I have to. Take care of yourself, beautiful. You need to wake up now."

             
I reach out to him but he is gone.

              I bolt awake. Sweat is pouring off from me and my eyes are actually a little wet. I wipe away the moisture and climb out of bed. Going into the bathroom, I splash my face with some water and look into the mirror. I've never dreamt about Kirt that way. I'm sure it has something to do with the amount of alcohol I consumed, the guilt I had, and my screaming at him before I fell asleep. I'm not surprised by him visiting me in my dreams but then again, I am. I wasn't expecting it.

             
In a way it was nice. I liked seeing him again. No, I loved seeing him again. It wasn't nearly long enough though. My body shivers just at the thought of his hand on my cheek. I place my hand over the same cheek and watch myself in the mirror, just as a million memories come flooding through. A million touches, a million kisses, a million sweet moments.

             
I get into the shower and wash away my dreariness. When I get out, I slide into some shorts, a loose tee-shirt, and I keep my wet hair hanging down. I opt out of makeup today. At least for now. Depression has sunken into my mind and I can't shake it. Everything I've been doing that has been going so great just got twisted upside down in one single night.

             
Emi is still in her dress from last night, she is half covered in a blanket, and the two pillows I left on the couch are on the floor. I open the fridge to get some milk and I can't stop the laughter when I see her heals in there. I stop laughing when I notice the milk is gone. I close the door to the fridge and look around. The milk is under my coffee table. Seriously? I try not to groan. I know it's warm, it's been like six hours since she got home.

             
After clipping my hair up, I grab my phone and keys, then slide on my sandals. I make my way out the door without waking Emi up. I'm too frustrated this morning and I need two things; fresh air and coffee. I walk to the cafe that I've claimed as mine, and I get the same coconut coffee and vanilla scone I get each morning. I sit at the very same table I first had a conversation with Harvey, and I slowly sip at the hot beverage.

             
My phone jingles and thinking its Emi asking where I am, I'm surprised to find Harvey's name on the screen. Good, I was just thinking I'd like to hear his voice.

             
"Hello."

             
"Hey, what are you doing?"

             
"Oh, just drinking some coffee, what are you doing?"

             
"Nothing, just taking a break from my dad right now."

             
I give a sad look even though he can't see me. "How is your aunt?"

             
"They're giving her a three days tops." I can hear the sadness in his voice. My heart hurts for him.

             
"Oh, Harvey, I'm so sorry."

             
"How are you? How are things going with your sister being there?" He changes the subject, which can only mean it's too hard for him to talk about.

             
I toss the empty cup into the trash and walk back onto the sidewalk that is starting to get busy. It's another gorgeous day out and it's already starting to get hot. "It's been good so far. I'm really enjoying having her around me. I wish you could get to know her while she is here."

             
"Yeah, I wish so too. Soon. Maybe when you have some vacation time we can go down to see your family." That makes me smile.

             
Except, my first vacation isn't until Christmas. I used up all my vacation time while grieving this past year. I'd take three days here, four days there, sometimes I'd skip out of work early, or not go in until after lunch. "That would be awesome," I choose to say.

             
"Did you guys go out last night like you'd planned?"

             
My heart rate accelerates at his question remembering what happened after we went out. That is something I'll have to explain in person. "Yeah, we did."

             
"And?"

             
"It was fun, I enjoyed myself." I want to smack myself in the forehead for saying that. It's a little inappropriate to tell the man I practically cheated on that I enjoyed myself. What is wrong with me? Oh, right, a lot.

             
He seems genuinely happy to hear that. "I'm so glad, Zoey. I'll call you later though, I need to go."

             
"Okay, I'll talk to you soon."

             
I happen to be in front of my building at that point and head inside. Emi is still passed out, so I walk into my room and throw myself onto my bed. I don't know what to do, about anything. I look over to my shelf and see that novel that I still haven't finished reading. I'm pretty sure I only have about two chapters to go. I get up and grab it, before cozying up in my bed, finishing the dramatic romance novel that has captured my heart in a whole new way.

             
Just as I'm finishing up, Emi comes padding through my room, looking disastrous as she goes into my bathroom. After hearing the toilet flush, the water run, and a few groans leave her mouth, she comes out into my bedroom again and lays on the end of the bed. "Ugh, I'm never drinking again."

             
"I've heard that one before," I say. I don't look at her as I'm reading the last three pages.

             
I can feel the bed move and then she gasps. "Is that my book, you bitch?"

             
I quickly peak at her over the top. "Yeah, almost finished. Please tell me there is a second."

             
Ignoring my enquiry, she yells dramatically. "Seriously! How dare you take that and not tell me? I've been searching frantically for it."

             
I ignore her while I quickly read the last of it. When I'm done, I set it down and look to my sister. "Will you mail me more books, please? I'll send them back when I'm done."

             
She scowls at me. "You're not going to apologize?"

             
"Okay, I'm sorry I borrowed your book without asking. But, remember you're borrowing my car, half my wardrobe, and probably a shit ton of other things of mine. In fact, I think I'm going to have to video chat you so you can show me around my room, then I can tell you what to box up and send me." Then I look around my room, feeling bummed I won't be able to fit most of it. "Uh, maybe, actually. At least some clothes."

             
"You're a brat. So anyways, what happened last night to you? I only half remember you leaving."

             
Oh, right.

             
"My feet hurt and I wasn't feeling that well," which is the truth, "so Brice walked me back here. He tried staying awake for you but got tired and headed home after we watched a little bit of a movie. Then I went to bed." I shrug my shoulders, pretending like everything was innocent, and just as I explained. Oh how I hate lying to my sister.

             
She doesn't seem like she suspects anything else, but she does look highly disappointed. "Yeah, I was wondering what happened to him. That sucks. I don't think I could have done anything with him anyways, I was pretty done for last night. I barely remember coming back here. I'm surprised with myself that I remembered your address."

             
That makes me feel even guiltier. I left my sister at a night club her second night in a strange, large, and very dangerous city. She is my younger sister and I'm supposed to protect her and I didn't do that. Not that she is hurt but she could have been and it would have been all my fault. Then I leave with the man she was planning on, uh, hooking up with and I did things with him I never should have done.

             
Hello depression, I really haven't missed you and you can leave any time now, thanks.

             
"I'm glad you made it back safe," I tell her. I know my voice sounds bitter and sad, but I can't stop it.

             
She crawls over to where I am and sits up, wrapping me in her arms. I hold her close to me, feeling guilty about way too much. "I'm okay, I can take care of myself Zoey. I always do. I'm used to this lifestyle. I was perfectly fine. I had Meghan and Ryan with me, they dropped me off first and made sure I was safe. Don't feel bad about leaving me. I didn't mean to make you feel bad."

             
She knows me so well. Sometimes I love it, other times not so much. Right now, I'm glad she does. She makes me feel better about the situation. Not great, but better. I'll take it.

             
I wish I could tell her about Brice. I want some of her insight on the horrible thing I've done, but I don't want her mad at me.

             
"Have you heard from Harvey? You look really down, Z."

             
I try to smile but it doesn't come out that large. "Yeah, we just got off the phone about an hour ago. His aunt only has days left to live and he is pretty down right now. It wasn't a long conversation, but it was good hearing from him. He said that on my next vacation he wants to come home and meet the family."

             
"Oh, yay, that is awesome." She hugs me again and rubs my back. "I'm sure Momma and pops will love him."