Imaginary Friends (9 page)

MARY
smiles again. Big smile this time, the smile you smile when you say something funny for the very first time and it’s a surprise to you. The
PARIS REPORTER
looks down at the tape recorder to make sure it’s working
.

Is that working?

PARIS REPORTER
: Yes.

MARY
: Good.

The
PARIS REPORTER
exits and we’re now in New York
.
MARY
’s college friend
ABBY KAISER
sits down. Like
MARY
,
she is dressed like a garden-club matron
.

ABBY KAISER
: How’s it going?

MARY
: No one’s said a thing. Never a good sign, I’m afraid, so it’s probably not selling at all. But I’m going to be on
Dick Cavett
. He’s going to do two shows.

ABBY KAISER
: Two! Oh, Mary, that will help, won’t it?

MARY
: Let’s hope so. Does anyone watch it?

ABBY KAISER
: Less so now that it’s on public television, but the advantage is that everyone who watches it buys books, so you’re reaching the people you want to, the core audience, I think it’s called. What are you going to say?

MARY
: I don’t know. I have to come up with something clever, I suppose.

ABBY KAISER
: You always say the cleverest things—

MARY
:
You
think they’re clever.

ABBY KAISER
: They
are
clever. They’re famously clever.

MARY
: I did an interview in Paris a few months ago—

ABBY KAISER
: I saw it. In that little English-language newspaper.

MARY
: You saw it?

ABBY KAISER
: Someone sent it to me. Someone I know who knows I went to Vassar with you, who sends me everything about you.…

MARY
: It was not a very nice article.

ABBY KAISER
: I know.

MARY
: The writer kept comparing me to Lillian Hellman. I had no idea that’s what he was going to do. All about dashing Lillian Hellman and frumpy me.

ABBY KAISER
: Can you imagine? Well, you can’t let things like that bother you.

MARY
: Oh, I don’t, really.
[Beat.]
He wrote that I looked like a garden-club matron.
[Beat.]
But I said something funny in it, I think. About Lillian Hellman. I said, “Everything she writes is false, including ‘and’ and ‘but.’”

ABBY KAISER
: Yes, that
is
funny.
And
clever. “Everything she writes is false, including ‘and’ and ‘but.’” That’s good, Mary.

MARY
: Do you think I should say it? On
Dick Cavett?

ABBY KAISER
: Sure. How do you do that?

MARY
: Do what?

ABBY KAISER
: Say it? Do you just sort of pop it in?

MARY
: Dick Cavett has to ask me a question that it’s the answer to.

ABBY KAISER
: How do you get him to do that?

MARY
: They call you ahead of time and ask you what you want to talk about.

ABBY KAISER
: Oh, is that how they do it? I’m so stupid. So he says, “What do you think of Lillian Hellman?” Like it just crossed his mind?

MARY
: Well, that’s a little obvious. More like “What writers do you think are … overrated?” or something.

ABBY KAISER
: And then you can say, “Lillian Hellman, everything she writes is false, including ‘and’ and ‘but.’” Amazing. I had no idea.

A beat
.

MARY
: Do you think I should say, “Everything she writes is false, including ‘and’ and ‘but,’” or should I say, “Everything she writes is false, including ‘and’ and ‘the’”?

ABBY KAISER
: Gosh, I don’t know. They’re not too different.

MARY
:
[Trying them both.]
Everything she writes is false, including “and” and “but.”

Everything she writes is false, including “and” and “the.”
[Beat.]
I think if I say “‘and’ and ‘but,’” people might be confused by the word “but,” but if I say “‘and’ and ‘the’”—I mean, obviously I’d have to pronounce it
“the”—
[Sounding like “thee.”]
—as opposed to “the”—
[Sounding like “thuh.”]
—so people will be able to hear what I’m saying—
[Beat.]
I don’t want to have to make little quote marks with my fingers.

ABBY KAISER
: I always do that.

MARY
: “The” is better, I think. It’s so much more devoid of meaning than “but,” if you see what I mean.

ABBY KAISER
: I “see.”
[She makes little quote marks and laughs.]

MARY
: Do you think “Everything she writes is false” or “Everything she writes is a lie”—

ABBY KAISER
: Including “‘and’ and ‘the’” or “‘and’ and ‘but’”?

MARY
:
[Trying out other possibilities.]
“Everything she writes”? “Every word she writes”?

A pause while
MARY
thinks about this
.

ABBY KAISER
: What are you wearing?

MARY
: I don’t know. Probably something matronly.

They both laugh
.

ABBY KAISER
: Are you nervous?

MARY
: No, of course not. It’s just a television show that almost no one watches, right?

ABBY KAISER
: Absolutely

The Dick Cavett Show.
January 25, 1980

MARY
is being interviewed by
DICK CAVETT
.
Her image is projected on the scrim behind her
.

On the other side of the stage, a television set hangs from the ceiling over a bed
.
LILLIAN
is next to the bed in a bathrobe, smoking a cigarette
.

LILLIAN
: I was watching, you know. I saw you say it.

She climbs into the bed. We see the bed from the back, so that what we mostly see is a headboard with a curl of smoke rising above it
.

DICK CAVETT
: Are there any writers you think are overrated?

MARY
: The only one I can think of is a holdover like Lillian Hellman, who I think is tremendously overrated, a bad writer, a dishonest writer, but she really belongs to the past.…

DICK CAVETT
: What is so dishonest about her?

MARY
: Everything. But I said once in some interview that every word she writes is a lie, including “and” and “the.”

And now
LILLIAN
rises up in the bed like Frumasera, and we have some fantastic visual effect of a giant black beast rising up and causing a BLACKOUT
.

Voila
.

We hear a doorbell ringing, and now we see the suggestion of a Paris apartment as
MARY
walks toward the door and opens it. A
SUMMONS SERVER
stands there
.

SUMMONS SERVER
: Madame Mary McCarthy?

MARY
: Oui?

SUMMONS SERVER
: Voila.

He hands her the summons. She looks at it.

BLACKOUT
.

Imaginary friends
.

The fig tree again
.

The
ENSEMBLE
sings a reprise of “Fig Tree Rag.”

ENSEMBLE
:

AND ONCE AGAIN WE SEE THE FIG TREE
THAT BIG FIG TREE
UP ABOVE
AND ONCE AGAIN WE VISIT FIZZY
WHO’S ALL DIZZY
AND IN LOVE
BUT NOW WE GET A VARIATION
A MUTATION
IF YOU WILL SHOW US THE SCENE AGAIN
RUN THE ROUTINE AGAIN
LOOK AT WHO’S BACK ON THE BILL

FIZZY AND MAX
THEY’RE GONNA DO THE FIG TREE RAG
I WANNA DO THE FIG TREE RAG
WITH YOU

The door to the house in New Orleans opens, and
FIZZY
comes out. She sits on the front porch and takes out a fan and starts to fan herself with it. The branches of the fig tree part, and we see
LILLIAN
and
MARY
sitting in it
.

MARY
: Very Tennessee Williams.

LILLIAN
: You don’t like the fan?

MARY
: It just seems derivative.

LILLIAN
: But it’s a hot day—

MARY
: Lose the fan.

MAX HELLMAN, LILLIAN
’s father, comes from around the back of the house and looks at
FIZZY
as she sits there
.
FIZZY
turns and sees him. She drops the fan with a huge clatter
.
MAX HELLMAN
tips his hat
.

FIZZY
: Max! What a surprise. When did you get back?

MAX HELLMAN
: Train just got in. Beautiful morning, isn’t it? Even prettier now that I see you.

MARY
: You know what I have never understood? Why is no one Jewish in your plays?

MAX HELLMAN
:
[Singing and davening.]
Oy oy oy oy oy—

LILLIAN
: Like that?

MARY
: No, not like that—

LILLIAN
: We didn’t really think of ourselves as Jews. We thought of ourselves as southerners—

MARY
: Yes, and here comes a perfect example of it—

MAX HELLMAN
: What were you thinking about?

FIZZY
: Just now? Summertime, and my mama’s hummingbird garden. Sarah and I used to sit still as statues on the stone bench and see if we could get the birds to buzz around our heads. Once I put a piece of honeysuckle in my mouth—

MAX HELLMAN
suddenly kisses
FIZZY
,
a long, passionate kiss
.

MARY
: The kiss, on the other hand, is good, if only because it gets her to stop talking.

LILLIAN
: I give up. You write the scene.

MARY
: All right. I will.

MARY
and
LILLIAN
cover themselves with the branches of the fig tree
.
MAX HELLMAN
and
FIZZY
stop kissing
.
FIZZY
slaps
MAX HELLMAN
.

MAX HELLMAN
: Fizzy? Why did you do that?

FIZZY
: I’m practically not speaking to you, Max Hellman.

MAX HELLMAN
: Why, Fizzy? Tell me?

FIZZY
shakes her head
.