Imagined Love (7 page)

By the time the new school year began in September, Willa was taking local temp jobs even though they didn’t pay as much as the ones in Chicago. After a tongue lashing from Dorothea about how miserable Jade was being at Cicely’s all the time, Willa knew she needed to make some changes. She had been so angry at her daughter for always wanting to be with Cicely that she didn’t realize how unhappy the girl was. At first Jade thought it was fun staying at Katrina’s house. She liked having other kids to play with and getting to see Alonzo every day was great. However, what made being there so enjoyable was the fact that it was only temporary. Willa had promised her that. So Jade said she was happy being at Cicely’s because she didn’t want her mom to worry. She had no idea doing so would make Willa decide to abandon her there! Jade lashed out by saying mean things, but it was because she was miserable and just wanted to be with her mother.

Once mother and daughter were reunited, Willa worked hard to make a life for both of them. Within a few months she landed a permanent secretarial position at an insurance company in downtown Gary. Then she was able to save enough money to buy a used blue 1970 Ford Pinto. It definitely wasn’t the Monte Carlo, but it was hers and that made Willa proud of herself. What she was most proud of, however, was the close knit relationship she’d been able to build with Jade. They were like best friends and spent as much time together as possible. Willa was often stunned by how insightful and mature her child was as well as her incredible ability to inspire and encourage people. Jade made Willa believe she could do anything and gave her the strength and courage she needed to pursue her dreams. It was Jade’s belief and willingness to stand by her that pushed Willa to leave her job and focus on the party planning business full time! As things turned out, it wasn’t the best decision to make. After planning a retirement party and a 40th birthday bash, not many jobs came for Party Girls and Willa found herself back in a desperate situation.

“Hey, Miles, how you doing?” Willa smiled, as she allowed him inside the apartment.

“I’m making it. How ‘bout yourself?”

“I’m doing okay,” she said, offering him a seat. “So are you getting nervous yet? It won’t be long before you’re a married man again. How’s the wedding planning coming?”

“Expensively,” Miles laughed. “I been working like a dog just to pay for it!”

“Yeah, well, it cost to have what you want, right?”

“I guess. But I wasn’t planning on going broke for this one day. I mean, we still gotta pay the mortgage and eat after this thing is over with.”

“I know what you mean. As a matter of fact, that’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about if you have a few minutes.”

“I got a few minutes. What’s on your mind?”

“Well, I was wondering when you were gonna start sending the child support checks.”

“Oh, ain’t no need to wonder. I’m not.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m not,” Miles repeated, angry he’d fallen for the bait. “I suggest you re-read those papers from the court since you obviously confused. You know all you gotta do is tell me what Jade need and I’ll get it for her. As a matter of fact, Anna just picked up a few outfits for her. But if she need something else just let me know and I’ll take her shopping this weekend.”

“Come on now, Miles. You know it takes more than that to raise a child. She’s gotta eat. NIPSCO has to be paid so she can have lights and stuff, right?”

“Right. And if you can’t provide them things then she needs to be with me!”

“Oh, I see. So you can go broke for some stupid wedding but you can’t make sure your own daughter has . . .”

“Girl, I’ll break your neck if you try to make it seem like I don’t take care of my baby! I’ll do whatever I have to for Jade but I’ll be damned if you eat a morsel of bread with my money!” Miles yelled in Willa’s face. “You left, remember? You was big, bad Willa that didn’t need no stupid bastard like me taking care of you and your child, remember? But I ain’t stupid, Willa. I know this ain’t got nothing to do with no damn child support. You think you slick, but it’ll be a cold day in hell before I contribute a dime to this idiotic party planning thing you got going. I told you a long time ago ain’t nobody gone pay you to plan no party, Willa. So I suggest you find a way to get your stuff together. ‘Cause if you don’t Jade won’t just be with me this weekend. She’ll be with me from now on!”

Jade was standing just outside of the living room staring at her parents with tears in her eyes. The last place on earth she wanted to live was with her father and

the teenager. Jade was silently pleading with her mother to do anything to keep that from happening.

“Let’s go, Jade. I got a big surprise for you.”

“Bye, Mom,” she said, throwing her arms around Willa. “I’ll see you soon, right? First thing Sunday morning?”

“Of course, baby girl! I’ll be there bright and early to get you and then we’ll go to our special place, okay? Just me and you.”

“Okay,” Jade smiled nervously then she hugged her mother tighter.

“Let’s go, girl,” Miles barked.

Willa snickered knowing he would go overboard buying gifts for Jade to compete with their two Happy Meals from McDonald’s.

“Well, it looks like I’ll be seeing you back in court,” Willa called after him. “We’ll see what the judge has to say about child support.”

“Try it and see what happens, you tramp,” Miles spat before slamming the door behind him.

Jade’s mood went from bad to worse as soon as she saw her “surprise” waiting in the backseat. Dealing with Anna and her two-faced ways all weekend was challenging enough without Miles forcing Jewel upon her too. He was determined to make the girls behave like best friends despite the fact that Jade hated Jewel. And contrary to what Myrna and Lydia said, she wasn’t jealous of the girl. Jewel was a jerk and the kids at school and even her teachers would agree. It was the reason she spent most of her time alone. And Miles had decided it was Jade’s job to remedy that.

After the dress fittings, lunch, and hours of incessant jabbering from both Anna and Jewel, Jade just wanted to be alone. She nearly cried, however, after walking into her bedroom to find yet another surprise which would prevent that from happening. Miles had removed the one standard bed and replaced it with twins—one for her and one for Jewel!

“Ugh, I hate him,” Jade mumbled, not understanding why she had to share a room when there were four bedrooms in her father’s new house. And when Miles brought Jewel upstairs to show her the room, Jade decided to ask him. A swift slap to the back was her answer!

“Do you pay any bills around here? Huh? So you don’t hear me talking to you?” he barked, nudging Jade when she didn’t respond. “I asked you a question!”

“No,” she whimpered.

“That’s right, you don’t. So who do you think you are to be questioning me about decisions I make in my house?”

“Nobody,” Jade said, as she wiped away tears. “I’m nobody and my feelings don’t matter to anybody . . .”

“See, now there you go with that dramatic crap like your mama! But I ain’t falling for it this time. So you can sit here and cry and talk about ‘I’m nobody’ all you want to,” Miles yelled. “I’m not playing this game with you!” He stormed downstairs.

Jade locked herself in the bathroom and sat on the floor crying. She could hear Miles and Anna talking through the vent. Not surprising, Anna managed to make the situation all about her and used her exotic Latin looks and voluptuous body to get exactly what she wanted from Miles. He had spent a lot of energy trying to keep his fiancée away from his devil of an ex-wife thinking Willa would negatively influence his bride-to-be. Little did Miles know Anna was more of a devil than Willa could ever be!

On Saturday, May 14, 1983, after having a ball at one of her classmate’s birthday party Jade came home to learn her life was ruined. Willa told her she’d be moving in with Miles and Anna once they returned from their vacation! Jade kept hoping it was just one of her mother’s dumb jokes, but when she saw that most of her things were packed, she knew it wasn’t. Then when Jade called her granny to talk some sense into Willa, she got yet another unpleasant surprise.

It was Dorothea who’d convinced Willa that it was best for Jade to be with Miles. He was financially stable and she knew her granddaughter would be well cared for. Things had gone down hill with Willa’s party planning business and the temp agency was reluctant to hire her again given her track record of taking permanent positions then leaving them. Initially she wasn’t willing to let Jade go, but when the lights and water had to be shut off because she couldn’t pay the bill, Willa knew she needed to think more about Jade’s well being than her own pride. Dorothea reminded her that sometimes mothers had to make hard choices in the best interest of their children.

Willa fought it as long as she could but Miles was able to prove he’d been providing for their daughter all along and the judge refused to make him pay child support. Once that judgment came through she knew there was no other option but to let Jade be with her father. Seeing the devastated look on her daughter’s face was heartbreaking and Willa felt like a complete and utter failure.

Anna seemed just as unhappy about the change as Jade. It was one thing to put up with Miles’s kids on the weekend, but having to be responsible for one of them every day was more than she’d signed up for. So the day after returning from Hawaii, Anna packed a bag and went to stay with her parents. She believed Miles would return Jade to Willa then plead with her to come home. It took a few days for Anna to realize that wasn’t going to happen. It was quite clear that if she made him choose between her and Jade, she’d lose.

With that realization she went home to Miles and apologized profusely for behaving in such a way. He was mad at first and wouldn’t speak to her but Anna managed to appease him with a few crocodile tears and a bogus speech about how important family was and what an honor it was to have him and his wonderful girls in her life. Then Anna teased and titillated Miles until he was begging to make love to her. It was how she always got back in to his good graces.

Jade cried continuously the first few days of being with her dad. She kept hoping Willa would come banging on the door saying she’d made a terrible mistake and was there to take her baby home. She never did, though. And as the weeks rolled by, Jade hardly saw or spoke to her mother. Each time they did talk to

one another she seemed extremely happy and not at all like the depressed woman Dorothea claimed was so miserable without her child. Then on the one weekend Willa actually showed up to get her, Jade got the shock of her life. Her mother was marrying Mitchell Willis and becoming stepmother to his thirteen-year-old son! A boy whose basketball games she attended, helped with homework, and cared for even though she hadn’t spent more than a few hours with her own child. And when Jade tried to tell her how she felt, all Willa could talk about was how cool her new name would sound! She wrote Willa Willis all over everything like a love-struck teenager completely unconcerned with what her child was going through. Again Jade felt abandoned and her anger and hatred took her to places no one would have imagined. Her grades plummeted and Miles was called to the office a few times to retrieve her from the principal’s office for fighting and being disruptive in class.

Oddly enough, it was during those times that Jade and Jewel grew closer to one another. Initially it was their hatred for Anna that brought them together. They knew she was no good and invented ways to harass and aggravate her. It wasn’t long, though, before the girls realized they had more in common and began getting along better. Jade learned that Jewel had a sweet and loving side to her and all the boasting she’d done was just to hide how lonely and insecure she was. And for the first time, Jade honestly felt like she had a sister. She looked forward to Jewel’s visits and the talks they had in the middle of the night when they were supposed to be asleep. Although Willa was still a “no show” for the most part, Jade was happy having her sister and her granny’s letters and phone calls. She didn’t think about suicide as much because of them.

It was July 15th, Jade’s twelfth birthday and Miles agreed to let her spend it with her mother.

“It’s about time,” Willa huffed after hearing a knock at the back door. She and Jade had been waiting almost an hour for Mitchell and his son to arrive. “What took you so . . . hey, where’s Michael?”

She had planned for the four of them to spend the day at Great America to celebrate Jade’s birthday. It was obvious from Michael’s absence and the fact that Mitchell couldn’t look Willa in her eyes that those plans had changed.

“Hey, Jade. Happy birthday,” he said, handing her a wrapped present. “I hope you like it. Michael and I don’t really know how to shop for a girl,” Mitchell smiled.

“Why don’t you open it in the front room, baby girl? And you can watch TV for a while until we get ready to go, okay?”

“Okay, Mom. Thank you, Mitchell,” Jade said then headed to the living room. She knew a fight was on the horizon and intended to listen to every word.

“So what’s the excuse this time, Mitchell? Your watch broke again? Or was it your phone cord messing up for the umpteenth time that kept you from being considerate enough to call and say you’d be late? You really need to get that thing fixed,” Willa said, sarcastically. “Well make it a good one, at least. I wouldn’t want it to be just any old excuse for ruining what was supposed to be a really special day for my daughter. You knew how important this was to me and yet you come strolling up in here an hour late smiling like nothing’s wrong. I don’t know what’s going on with you, Mitchell, but I’m really sick of it. And I promise you I won’t be putting up with much more of it,” she warned. “So is there a reason you walked in handing Jade a gift even though we planned to give her presents after cake and ice cream?”

“Well, Michael and I won’t be going with you guys today.”

“Duh! I gathered that when you walked in here without him. What I want to know is why!”

“I don’t think this is the appropriate time to talk about it. Maybe we can discuss it when Jade’s not here. I wouldn’t want to upset her unnecessarily by . . .”

“Don’t play games with me, Mitchell! If you really gave a damn about her feelings we’d be on our way to Great America, wouldn’t we? So quit playing and just tell me the truth.”

“Okay,” he sighed, rocking from side to side. “I can’t marry you, Willa.”

She felt as though the wind had been knocked out of her! Tears instantly fell from Willa’s eyes as she stared at Mitchell trying to make sense of what he said. The obvious question was why, but she couldn’t seem to find her voice. A few moments of awkward silence passed before she finally spoke.

“Why are you leaving me, Mitchell?”

“I love you, Willa, and I still want you in my life. But I could never marry a woman who doesn’t make her child a priority. You’ve been wonderful to Michael, but he doesn’t need a mother. Jade does. And I don’t know how you can neglect her and think that I . . .”

Jade covered her mouth so they wouldn’t hear her laughing.

“Wait, let me get this straight,” Willa chuckled. “Even though you know first hand what Miles has been doing to keep me from Jade, you’ve decided I’m a horrible mother who you can’t marry. But since you still want me in your life,” she said with mock sincerity, “I should be willing to go from being your fiancée to someone you screw from time to time. Is that right?”

“I wouldn’t put it like that. I might change my mind if you prove . . .”

“Oh my god! How did I not notice it before? You’re retarded, aren’t you? You must be if you think I’m gonna waste my time proving anything to you, as if you’re any better as a father! It’s only been a year since you got joint custody of Michael! Before then you hadn’t even talked to him! Oh yeah,” Willa said in

response to the shocked look on Mitchell’s face. “I had a long heart to heart with Candace and she gave me the lowdown on you as a husband and father. And like a fool, I chose to give you a chance thinking you had grown from the self-centered, irresponsible teenager she married into a real man. Then you have the nerve to stand here thumbing your nose at me like you forgot what a dead beat dad you’ve been most of Michael’s life! So I say fuck you and your stupid marriage proposal, you ignorant son of a bitch!”

“Hey! You better watch your mouth!” Mitchell cautioned.

“Or what, you gone choke me out like you did Candace?” Willa asked, as she moved towards the kitchen knives. “You better get the hell out before you get hurt because I’ll be damned if I let another man put his hands on me!”

Jade ran into the kitchen wielding a baseball bat to protect her mother if need be. She was still upset with Willa but couldn’t sit by and let someone hurt her, even if she was egging it on by refusing to shut her mouth! Mitchell stood with his fist clenched as if he was debating whether to knock Willa’s lights out or not. At 6’4” and 250 pounds he could’ve easily done so but decided against it when she grabbed a butcher knife and Jade tightened her grip on the bat.

“It’s okay, sweetie, I’m not gonna hurt your mom. I still love her,” Mitchell said, as he stared at Willa. Then he walked out of her kitchen and out of her life.

Willa cried, not fully understanding what had just happened. The four of them were supposed to become a family that day. “I’m so sorry, baby girl. I really wanted today to be special. I had no idea he was gonna ruin it like this. Stupid bastard,” she mumbled. Then, in true dramatic fashion, Willa slid to the floor sobbing the whole way down. “Why can’t stuff ever work out for me? I just wanna be happy,” she cried, hoping to be consoled.

There was a part of Jade that wanted to embrace her mom and tell her everything would be okay. However, she was still too angry and resentful to do so. And just as Jade suspected, Willa went right into her “poor me” routine. She started telling Jade how miserable she’d been without her and how desperate she was to have her back home. The pictures displayed all around her new place told a different story. It seemed unlikely that Willa had spent any time in bed crying her eyes out when her social calendar was so full. There were the Happy Hours, the bowling league, Friday night Spades games, and a host of parties.

Then when she and Mitchell got serious there were dinner dates, plays, and even a few weekend trips to places Willa had always dreamed of going. No, Jade didn’t see miserable at all. She saw a woman who was vibrant, carefree, and living the life she’d always wanted. One she would have enjoyed all along had it not been for an unplanned pregnancy and a marriage of convenience. And as weird as it may have seemed, Jade could almost understand it. From as far back as she could remember Miles and Willa complained about all the things they missed out on

because she was born. They didn’t go to the prom or college or do any of the things other teenagers were doing because they had to take care of a baby. So many times they would daydream out loud about what their lives would’ve been like if it weren’t for “the mistake”. Jade often wondered if Miles and Willa realized how hurtful it was to feel blamed for a decision they made. She didn’t ask to be born. And most days Jade wished she hadn’t been. Justin and Jamal were the lucky ones as far as she was concerned. Sometimes Jade still considered swallowing a bottle of pills so her parents no longer had to be burdened by their mistake!

“So what are you gonna do about Mitchell, Ma?” Jade asked after her mother had gotten off the floor and cleaned her face.

“There’s nothing I can do, baby girl. When someone doesn’t wanna be bothered anymore then you leave him alone. I have to accept that this was another case of imagined love. And the worst part is that something in me always knew Mitchell wasn’t the one. There were so many signs along the way but I wanted it to work so bad that I just ignored them. That’s the biggest mistake you can make, baby girl. When somebody is wrong for you, don’t pretend like they’re right. Don’t be crazy like your mama, okay? Don’t waste your time sitting around waiting on someone to change. Most people never do. It’s true you can’t help who you love, but once you know that person isn’t right for you, accept it and move on to the next one. If I had more sense then I’d be making better choices. As you can see, I’m not doing too well in the love department.”

“It’s not that bad, Ma. You’ve only been with two men.”

Willa laughed then gave Jade a hug and kiss. “Uh, yeah, we’re gonna have to talk about that one day. But for now I say let’s go to Great America.”

The two of them laughed, talked, and sang the whole two-hour ride there. They had a ball enjoying everything from the roller coasters and games to the food and shows. Jade hadn’t been that happy in a long time and didn’t want it to end. She really missed her mother and wanted to be back with her. And she didn’t see a reason for it not to happen. It seemed obvious from all the things Willa had acquired that she no longer had financial troubles and could provide for both of them. Jade expressed those thoughts during their ride home only to have her hopes dashed. Willa never said no to them living together again, but she didn’t appear all that enthused about the idea either. And that hurt Jade’s feelings.

“Listen, baby girl, I want you home with me more than anything in the world. I miss you so much. But things aren’t always what they seem. And I would hate for you to come live with me and then have to go back with your dad because I couldn’t take care of you. It would break my heart to do that to you again.”

“Then why can’t you just save your money so you can keep me?” Jade cried.

“Don’t cry, baby girl. It’s your birthday and I want you to be happy,” Willa said, as she reached over to wipe away her tears. “Don’t be sad. And don’t ever

think I don’t want you with me, okay? It’s just that . . . well I haven’t exactly made the best choices lately.” She paused momentarily trying to decide how much info to divulge. Jade was mature for her age but maybe not enough to understand the things her mother had done. Yet, the more Willa thought about it, the more she felt it was better to just tell Jade the truth rather than let her feel unwanted. “Alright, listen, baby girl. I’m gonna trust you with something but it has to stay between us. You can’t tell anybody, not even your granny because if she or your dad finds out they’ll make sure I never get you back. You understand?”