Immaculate Heart (13 page)

The priest responds with a look of distaste. He might be able to supervise the school dances, but he holds no jurisdiction behind the family garage.

 

FATHER DOWD

Do you get on with him?

 

SÍLE

Declan? He's grand.

 

FATHER DOWD

He's nice to you?

 

SÍLE

He gives me the second Snack bar when Orla doesn't want it.

 

FATHER DOWD

It sounds like you get on better with your sister's friends than you do with Orla herself.

 

SÍLE

(defensively)

I love my sister.

(pauses)

But most of the time, whatever I say, it's the wrong thing.

 

FATHER DOWD

Has the vision changed things a'tall? Between the two of ye?

 

SÍLE

Sometimes I think it has. Other times we're just as we were, and she walks by me like I'm a piece of the furniture.

 

FATHER DOWD

Have you spoken with her about what the Blessed Mother said to each of ye?

 

SÍLE

Orla agrees we're meant to take Our Lady's message into the world.

(desolately)

When we talk about the messages, she forgets that I'm a pest.

 

FATHER DOWD

Tell me how it began, and do your best to recall the details. You went up to the hill after school, as usual? Do you remember what the four of ye were talking about?

 

SÍLE

Declan was tellin' us about a man he met who worked on a cargo ship and that's how he got to see the world.

 

FATHER DOWD

(scoffing)

And how would Declan meet such a man?

 

SÍLE

(wryly)

I couldn't say, Father. He was about to tell us, and Our Lady broke in.

 

FATHER DOWD

None of that cheek, now. Tell us how it started.

 

SÍLE

Declan was talkin', but all of a sudden he sounded far away, like I had a ringin' in me ears, only there wasn't any ringin'. It was very quiet, and there'd been a wind before but it died away all sudden-like. I found myself lookin' up toward the statue in the grotto, but it wasn't there anymore, and that's when the light started.

 

FATHER DOWD

Tell us about the light.

 

SÍLE

It was so warm and lovely. Better than a hot cup of tea when you've just come in out of the rain. That's what Her love feels like.

 

FATHER DOWD

Our Lady's love for the world?

 

SÍLE

Her love for
me
.

(pauses)

And
for the world.

Here is another opportunity to put the girl in her place, and the priest pounces on it.

 

FATHER DOWD

Remember, Síle. This isn't about you.

 

SÍLE

No, Father. But She doesn't love us all the same. She loves us equal, but She doesn't love us the same.

 

FATHER DOWD

She said that, did she?

 

SÍLE

She did. She said God made each of us in a new mold, and no mold is any more perfect than the others.

 

FATHER DOWD

But what did she say, in the very beginning? When you saw her in the light?

 

SÍLE

She said, “Do you know me, child?” And I said, “I do. You're the Queen of Heaven,” and She smiled, and when She smiled, She just lit the whole world up. Everywhere was brightness.

 

FATHER DOWD

(softening)

That must have made you feel very happy.

The girl's eyes fill with tears.

 

SÍLE

I was never happier in all my life.

 

FATHER DOWD

And what did Our Lady look like?

 

SÍLE

(sniffling)

Not like She looks in the paintings and statues. She had a real face, like a real woman.

 

FATHER DOWD

What do you mean,”a real face”?

 

SÍLE

In the books and paintings and statues, the Blessed Mother always looks like a mannequin in a shop window. Haven't you ever noticed that, Father? The
real
Mary looks like somebody's mam.

A wry little smile plays on the priest's lips, but he quickly suppresses it.

 

FATHER DOWD

Now there's an apt description … though not a particularly reverent one.

 

SÍLE

She had long black hair, and She was wearin' Her blue mantle, but I could still see it flowed down to Her waist. And She had dark eyes. Smilin' brown eyes, like She had a story She couldn't wait to tell me. And Her hands were long and pale and She had them laid over Her heart, and all of Her was aglow, even Her toes. Her feet were bare, Father.

 

FATHER DOWD

What did she say to you?

 

SÍLE

She said, “I need your help. Will you carry my words out into the wide world?” And we said we would.

 

FATHER DOWD

You heard the others give their assent?

 

SÍLE

I did, Father. There were times She called me by name, but I knew She was saying the same thing to each of us.

 

FATHER DOWD

Did you ask her why she'd chosen you?

 

SÍLE

I didn't, Father. It didn't occur to me.

 

FATHER DOWD

It occurred to Tess.

 

SÍLE

Maybe She only came to the rest of us because of Tess.

 

FATHER DOWD

I can see you don't believe that.

 

SÍLE

No, Father.

 

FATHER DOWD

You believe you were chosen.

 

SÍLE

We
were
chosen. I look back on all the months we'd been going up there to the grotto, and I see it now. I see why we were drawn there.

 

FATHER DOWD

Now, hold on a minute. You've admitted the four of ye only went up there to gossip.

 

SÍLE

We went up and spoke of ordinary things, that's true. But She was
calling
us there. Waiting for the day when we'd be ready to hear Her.

 

FATHER DOWD

What changed? What was different about the first of November?

 

SÍLE

I don't know, Father.

 

FATHER DOWD

All right. What happened next? Did she give you her first message?

 

SÍLE

She did, Father. She said we weren't meant to suffer.

The priest is visibly taken aback.

 

FATHER DOWD

She can't have said that. Life
is
suffering, child.

 

SÍLE

She did say it. She said we'd built this world of suffering, and if we'd made it, we could unmake it … and build a new world.

 

FATHER DOWD

(contemptuously)

And just how do you propose to build this new world?

 

SÍLE

'Tisn't as grand as it sounds, Father. She says we must build the new world out of the things we can't touch or see. Love will be the new currency, She says. The only currency from now on.

 

FATHER DOWD

(sneering)

That's very poetical.

 

SÍLE

I didn't make it up. That was exactly how the Blessed Mother said it.

 

FATHER DOWD

And what had she to say of sin, and repentance, and forgiveness?

 

SÍLE

She didn't speak of sin, Father.

 

FATHER DOWD

Tess told me she had quite a bit to say on the subject.

 

SÍLE

I remember what She said to me. I remember it clearly.

 

FATHER DOWD

I'm sure you do.

 

SÍLE

Maybe She had different messages for each of us.

 

FATHER DOWD

That's not what you told me to begin with. You said she spoke the same to each of you.

 

SÍLE

I THOUGHT SHE HAD, FATHER.

FATHER DOWD

(with a huff of frustration)

How am I to tease out what's actually occurred here?

 

SÍLE

I know what She said to me, Father. It may be the same or it may be different from what the others heard, but I know what I heard Her say.

 

FATHER DOWD

Right. So she'd nothing to say of sin. Then what did she say to you?

 

SÍLE

She told me to pray. First I should pray for my own sake, for it's only after I've offered up my secrets that I'll be free to pray that everyone else might do the same.

 

FATHER DOWD

Aye, that's true, child. That's why you must come to confession. You see, Síle: She spoke of sin after all.

 

SÍLE

Still, it wasn't like how you speak of it in your homilies, Father. She made it sound as simple as washin' your hands before dinner.

 

FATHER DOWD

It's easy to sin. It's the recognizing you've done wrong and asking the Lord for forgiveness that's the hard part. Didn't Our Lady tell you that?

 

SÍLE

She never used the word “sin.”

 

FATHER DOWD

You mean to say she actually spoke of “offering up your secrets”?

 

SÍLE

I don't remember the words She used when She said that part. But I remember Her meaning.

 

FATHER DOWD

What did she say next?

 

SÍLE

You're not going to like it, Father. I didn't want to tell you before because you were already so—

 

FATHER DOWD

(sighs)

Out with it, Síle.

 

SÍLE

She said to remind you of the sixth beatitude.

The priest stares at the girl. He can't even fathom her audacity.

 

FATHER DOWD

Remind … remind
me
?

 

SÍLE

I told Her you'd think I was being cheeky, but She said I shouldn't mind. “Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God.”

 

FATHER DOWD

(explosively)

I well remember the sixth beatitude, Síle!

 

SÍLE

I was only sayin'.

 

FATHER DOWD

“How shall the young remain sinless? By obeying Your Word.” That's from the Psalms. You said before that the Blessed Mother told you your heart
wasn't
pure.

 

SÍLE

(pensively)

Sometimes I feel like I've done something terrible and I'm the only one who can't remember it.

 

FATHER DOWD

No one's implying you've lied to your mother or cheated on an exam. But it's terribly easy to congratulate ourselves for leading fine upstanding lives when we harbor unkind thoughts and fantasies, and when we hold ourselves above others even if we pretend not to.
Those
are the secrets Our Lady spoke to you about.

 

SÍLE

But I don't have unkind thoughts or fantasies.

 

FATHER DOWD

Everyone
has unkind thoughts.

 

SÍLE

Even you, Father?

 

FATHER DOWD

Even I.

(clearing his throat)

Now tell me what happened when the Blessed Mother took her leave. What did she say to you then?

 

SÍLE

She said She would come to us again, and that She loved us all very much, and that I should keep a record of our conversations. A diary, like.

 

FATHER DOWD

She didn't say that you should devote yourself to the catechism?

 

SÍLE

No, Father. Then She just sort of melted into the air, like a mist, only it was the light that went away. The world seemed so
dim
to us after that.

 

FATHER DOWD

(thoughtfully but firmly)

I believe Our Lady left it to me to guide you in your devotions. You and Orla must come to Mass. No more having a lie-in on a Sunday. And I'd like ye to come to study group on the Tuesday evening.

 

SÍLE

Aye, Father. We will.

 

FATHER DOWD

And I'd like to see that diary from time to time.

 

SÍLE

Oh, but I couldn't, Father. There are some things She says you aren't ready to hear.

Father Dowd grows even more red in the face. (She's making it up, all of it. It doesn't matter what Teresa said she saw.)

 

FATHER DOWD

You mean to say there's more you haven't told me?

 

SÍLE

(with sudden energy)

Oh, aye! You know She's been comin' to us two or three times a week for all this time, and there's so much She wants to say.…

*   *   *

Over the past several nights, I'd begun to feel more comfortable at Napper Tandy's than I had even at Brona's. It was a nice, relaxed place to have a drink, and up to this point, everyone had been very friendly toward me.

But tonight there was a big game on, and the pub was crowded with raucous men in football jerseys, their eyes fastened to the television above the bar, cigarettes tucked behind their ears. Most of them rolled their own. “A rough sort,” my grandmother would have called them. Brona leaned into me and said, “I don't care for the pub on nights like this.”

“We could go somewhere else,” I said.

Leo shrugged. “The match will be over soon.”

“It's only just started,” Paudie pointed out.

“And we've only just started our pints!” Leo cried.