Imperative: Volume 2, A Tale of Pride and Prejudice (105 page)

“It was five years ago.  Father died three years later, I am sure of a broken heart.  Mr. Darcy’s expression of burden was quite familiar to me, he looked so like my father.  That is why I suspected you were not really Miss Cargill. And I saw how the master was trying so hard to protect you, whoever you were.  It only made my respect for the man grow; and I could not think of treating you any less than I would my own sister.”

“Your kindness has . . . been so appreciated.”  She looked up to him shyly.

“Thank you, I am glad.”  He smiled.  “But it is your family’s kindness that you must treasure.”

“I do, Mr. Ferguson.  I have learned so many difficult lessons, and I am so ashamed of myself.  And I know that my future is not necessarily what my brother hoped it would be.”  Her eyes brightened and he waited for her to regain control. “Will you be here much longer?  I miss talking with you.”

“Miss Darcy, I think that our talks at Sommerwald were tolerated because of your location and how isolated you were.  This is quite different.  You are not pretending to be someone else.  This is where you belong.”  He nodded to Louisa and Caroline, who had come to a stop and were looking back at them curiously.  “Already we are attracting attention.”

She touched the tears that were in the corners of her eyes with her glove.  “I am sorry.  I do not wish to bring you any trouble.” 

“I doubt that your brother would mind, but I think that we have spoken long enough.  There are too many eyes and ears around here, and I should return to my work.”  He indicated the garden.  “I am noting the plants that are here, perhaps we can incorporate a little of Pemberley into Sommerwald.” 

“That would be wonderful!  My brother would love that!”

“Mr. Barnes asked me to remain through the ball, to help him with the chaos.  And then I will go home.”  He nodded up at the manor.  “And you will take advantage of your brother’s kindness.” 

“And my sister’s.”  Georgiana added.

Ferguson smiled widely.  “How could I forget Mrs. Darcy?  The excellent woman behind the excellent man.  Shame on me!”  He bowed to her.  “If I do not speak to you again, take good care, Miss Darcy.” 

“Thank you, Mr. Ferguson.  I will.  You take care, too.”  She smiled and regretfully, joined the sisters. 

“What was that about?”  Caroline asked, watching Ferguson kneeling back down and examining the garden.

“He is the steward at Sommerwald.  It was nice to speak to him.”  Georgiana lifted up her chin.  “My brother and sister like him very much.  I talked to him often when we were there for their honeymoon.  I liked giving Brother and Elizabeth as much time alone as possible, they loved to . . .”

Caroline interrupted, “Oh well, how kind of you.”

Georgiana looked back at Ferguson and smiled.  “No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.”  When she turned she saw surprise on her companion’s faces.  “Mrs. Annesley has set me to reading Aesop’s Fables and talking about what they mean, and how they apply to everyday life.”

“Children’s lessons?”  Caroline gaped.  “Does Mr. Darcy know?”

“That
is
an odd choice for study, do you know why Mrs. Annesley is teaching you morality stories?”  Louisa asked. 

“Probably because Elizabeth told her to.”  She said softly.  “It is something that she would do.” 

ELIZABETH WALKED DOWN the gallery that bisected the first floor of the great house and came to a stop before Darcy’s portrait.  Looking up into his eyes, she saw a handsome young man who had yet to be touched by responsibility.  There were no lines incised upon his brow, no touch of gray at his temples, no signal of burden on his shoulders, but other things were missing, too.  She saw that his eyes were not as warm as they now were, and although the slight smile was present, there was no hint of his ready laugh or the one dimple that came and went of its own accord.  And of course, the scar on his cheek was absent.  He was a changed man, one who had taken on terrible burdens and had become stronger, wiser, and now at last, happier for the experience. 

“I love who you have become, Will.”  Elizabeth said softly.  “I would have you no other way.”  His eyes, painted so well that even through the canvas they seemed to look into her soul, held her gaze.  She could feel his arms slipping around her, and imagined his lips pressed to her temple.  Closing her eyes, she hugged herself, almost believing it was his embrace.  “Who would I have become without you?” 

“Lizzy?”   

Elizabeth started and seeing Jane approaching, looked quickly to Darcy and composing herself, turned to her.  “Jane . . . I was just going to come to breakfast.  It is so late, I am sure that it is cleared away.  Is everyone dressed and about?  I am afraid that I slept on after Fitzwilliam woke.”

Jane looked at her curiously.  “I suppose everyone is up.  Judy did not spend all that much time with me, but since she has two of us to look after now, I imagine that her time is pressed.”

“Jennifer has the worst of it; she has Miss Bingley along with Mrs. Hurst and Georgiana.”  Elizabeth’s hands were clasped and she turned her ring slowly.  “But I suppose it was much worse at Longbourn for poor Sarah.”

“Yes, she is probably glad to see the two of us gone.”  Jane smiled a little and looked up at the portrait.  “Oh, that is very well done!  It looks so like him, almost as if he would step out of the frame.”

Elizabeth turned to smile at her husband.  “I come here to talk with him.” 

“Can you not do that in person?”

“Not if I do not want to hear his opinion.”  She laughed and sighed at Jane’s confusion.  “I come when he is not available.  I pose my questions and he . . . I imagine his answers.  It has been a little trick I use when I feel a bit over my head in my duties and he is immersed in his.”

“But you seem to have such great control.  I have seen the servants jump to attention when you give an order, and I cannot see a single thing out of place.  Judy said that you have the ball preparations well in hand.”

Elizabeth considered her sister asking Judy about her.  “Seem is the word.  I am still learning, and I suspect that Judy would support me to anyone who asks.  I have not been here very long, even though it feels as if I have never lived elsewhere now.”  Seeing Darcy’s little smile, she drew herself up and turned away from him.  “So, you and Charles looked at an estate yesterday?”

“It was not an estate exactly: I think that it was the home of one of Mr. Darcy’s largest tenants.  It was lovely, but not really what Mr. Bingley is hoping to have.  Mr. Darcy would need to sell him the land, and . . .”

“I do not see that happening.”  Elizabeth said frankly.

“No, but . . . it gave us somewhere to go.  I . . . it was the last thing I expected to do.  We climbed into the curricle and he started us off on the drive, and the next thing I knew we were passing though that little village, Kympton?”  Elizabeth nodded.  “And . . . I asked him where we were going and he shrugged and said that he had not driven in a very long time and that your curricle was just too much of a temptation not to try out, so . . .”  She hesitated, but was smiling.  “It was terrifying.  I had no idea Mr. Bingley could be so reckless.”

“I imagine that Fitzwilliam would stun you as well.  That man loves to race.  And he never keeps his eyes on the road.  He might chastise me until the cows come home about my driving, but if he would stop staring at me . . .” She shook her head.  “He does it purposefully, I think, just to see me rise up.  He loves to tease me.” 

“I had never seen Mr. Bingley so delighted as when he heard me scream and clutch his arm.” 

Elizabeth tilted her head and studied her sister’s blush.  “It made him feel like you needed him.” 

“Oh.”  Jane saw a bench and sank down on it.  “I feel so stupid.”

Elizabeth sat down beside her.  “Do you always call him Mr. Bingley?  Even when you are alone?  He gave me leave to call him Charles long ago.” 

“No, of course not, I . . . Well, Mama always called Papa, Mr. Bennet.”

“And see how close they were.”  Elizabeth rolled her eyes. 

“We talked a great deal yesterday.  Probably more than we have since we met.  I mean . . . of important things.”  She looked at Elizabeth and saw that she was listening closely.  “He took me to the place where Mr. Darcy . . .”

“Fitzwilliam.”

She nodded and looked at her hands.  “. . . where he went over the cliff.  Lizzy, I . . . I had no true understanding of what happened to him until then.  And to see it on a sunny day in summer . . . I could not even begin to imagine you standing there in the dark, with snow flying . . .” She looked up and saw Elizabeth fighting back tears.  “I am so sorry for every petty thought I have had and for not being the sister I thought that I was; or maybe forgetting how to be your sister. . .  I am so sorry for not seeing past the end of my nose.  You must have felt terribly alone.”

“Even with Susan and Georgiana beside me, I felt alone.  Even with Samuel embracing me, I felt alone.  But I would
not
believe he had left me.  I would have felt it.  I would have known that his heart had stopped beating.”  Elizabeth closed her eyes and hugged herself.  “He was looking at me when it happened.  He was smiling.  I refused to believe he would never smile again, that I would never see . . . ”  A tear rolled down her cheek and determinedly, she drew herself up.  “But . . . that is water under the bridge.  We have let it go.” She tried to sound convincing, but was still on the edge of grief.

Jane took her hand and offered her handkerchief.  “I wonder if I would have saved Charles?”

Dabbing at her eyes, Elizabeth forced the memories away, “You do not know what your strengths are until they are tested, Jane.  What did you learn of yourself caring for Papa?  Besides resenting doing it at all?” 

“You make me sound frightful.”  Elizabeth said nothing and after several moments of silence, Jane spoke quietly, “I learned that I am a terrible nurse.  I am not clever with games and tell pointless stories, and reading aloud, I cannot make the most exciting novel sound interesting.”  She studied her hands.  “I learned how very little I have experienced and . . . how very little I have paid attention to anything around me.”

Encouraged, Elizabeth pushed her.  “What do you mean?”

“I really had no gift for relieving Papa’s pain.  I could feed him, and wipe his brow.  I . . . I could keep him warm and bring him anything he wanted, but I . . . I could do little else.  I would sit with him and I think that he would tell me to go just to relieve the awkward silence, and I was grateful for the relief.  Mama would sit with him and talk on and on about gossip and lace . . .” Elizabeth handed back the handkerchief, and Jane wiped her eyes.  “And I know that he could not care a whit about it, and he wished her away, too.  But . . . I sometimes thought that he was entertained by her.  Maybe not.  I never understood him.”

“He married her for a reason, you have to remember that.  Something attracted him to her besides her beauty at one time.”

Jane’s head wagged doubtfully.  “I am not so sure, Lizzy.”

“I am.  I think that Mama had a personality similar to Lydia’s.  She was full of life and loved a good joke.  She was beautiful and willing; she would catch any man’s eye and be superficial enough to make him think in the moment, and not what life would be like when the beauty faded.”  Elizabeth watched her sister’s eyes fill up.  “There is no substance to Mama, and when she was faced with a house full of girls and an increasingly indifferent husband, she put her hopes into her ideal daughter Jane, and lived her enjoyment through her lively daughter, Lydia.”  She sighed.  “And tried her hardest to marry us off.  She rose to the situation life had dealt her with the man she married.  But of course, she did it without regard to feelings other than her own.”

“I am afraid that I am more like Mama than I ever imagined.”  Jane’s eyes reflected her distress.  “And I do not like knowing it.  I thought that I was better mannered than she.”

“You are.  You recognized how silly Papa and the ladies of the neighbourhood thought her, even if it was unconsciously done.  You and I both tried very hard to be different.  Charles was surely attracted to something in you besides your looks, don’t you think?”

“I hope so, but I cannot imagine what that might be.  He looks at me so . . . He told me before we came here that he was disappointed in me.  Oh, I pray that it was not regret, but I am certain that it was.   I hardly knew how to react, nobody has ever . . .” She looked at her sister.  “Well, now you have.”

“If it was regret that you saw, it could be for any number of things, on his side or yours.  Without discussing it, you make a mistake by assuming you know all of the answers.  Trust me on this.”  Elizabeth said seriously.

“I have always trusted you before.  Why I stopped, I do not know.”  Jane sighed.  “I am as you said, selfish.”

“I apologize for being harsh with you.  Miss Bingley made a bad situation worse and you know that I always react when I am challenged.”

Jane made a face.  “You are fortunate to have Miss Darcy as your sister.”

Elizabeth laughed and then said soberly, “
Now
, I am.”

“I do not understand.”

“Georgiana openly despised me when I arrived here.”  Elizabeth smiled sadly with Jane’s gasp and nodded.  “She made Lydia look like an angel.  It was not an easy introduction into the family, especially when poor Fitzwilliam was convinced that she would love me the instant he carried me over the threshold.  She was angry he had married and she supposedly lost her place in his life.  She distrusted me.  She was terrible.  Everything was terrible.  Fitzwilliam was so ill, I was so lost and we were both trying so very hard to make things right while barely knowing each other.”  Jane stared.  “You see?  You are not alone in facing challenges.  But obviously we have improved.” 

“Why did you not tell me this?”  Jane demanded.

“What could you do?  You had your own burdens at Longbourn.  This was my home; my family was now Fitzwilliam’s.  I had to take charge of my home and I did.”  Elizabeth tilted her head.  “Something has struck you.”