He looked disgruntled sitting there in the darkness of the cab, lights from the street flashing over the strong planes of his face, his eyes glittering like a cat’s in the night. I knew that if I didn’t stop him now, if I didn’t steer him from his present path of seduction, I would end up compromising everything I had worked so hard for in the last five days. And the memory of the Old Alix was enough to ensure that that didn’t happen. I looked into Alex’s heated emerald eyes and knew I was doomed unless I stopped him dead. My heart fractured a little more with the realization of what I had to do. I didn’t want to be cruel, but it was clear by his actions and the look of desire in his so beautiful eyes that I was left with no other choice. I summoned a shaky little laugh and tried to pass it off as insouciant.
“Really, Alex, I would have thought snogging in a cab was beneath your dignity. How the mighty have fallen.”
Two lines of frown appeared between his brows. Guilt stabbed at me, but I knew I had to do it or I’d lose everything, and I wasn’t prepared to go back to my old life. Not now. Not when I was so close to success. Not for anything would I go back to that.
I smiled a smile I didn’t feel, and traced a finger along the strength of his jaw. “You know, I owe you an apology.”
“You owe me several,” he growled, trying to capture my finger, but I pushed him back with one hand on his chest. His strong chest. His manly chest. His chest that was so hot it was scorching my fingers. I wanted to cuddle up to that chest. I wanted to stroke that chest. I wanted to rub myself all over that chest. I snatched my hand back instead.
“Think so, huh? Well, the one I think I owe you is for scoffing when you told me I could do anything I wanted to do, be anyone I wanted to be. I thought at the time you were just being overly gushy, but now that I’ve had time to make my plans, I see you were right. I
can
do whatever I want. So thank you, Detective Inspector Alex Black, for being the person who set me onto the path of success. When I get all the fame and glory due me, I will remember it was you who opened my eyes.”
Alex’s frown was steadily increasing at my bloated, egotistical statement. I didn’t blame him for the unhappy look he cast me. If I had a pin, I would have tried to pop my own ego.
He took my hand and rubbed his thumb over my knuckles, his eyes wary as he watched me. I never thought knuckles could be sexy before, but mine were suddenly located smack dab in an erogenous zone. I hardened my heart for one last attack.
“I’m glad you’ve realized your potential, Alix. I have always thought you would be a success at whatever goal you set out to achieve. I assume your excitement means the book is going well?”
“Oh, it’s not just the book,” I assured him with a Judas smile. “I have this plan, you see, and each step of my plan is detailed on a list. So far, my new strategy has been very successful. I’m almost through my list, and the brass ring is waiting for me.”
His frown melted into a look of bleakness that had me weeping inside. “Am I to take it that my name does not appear on your list?”
I thought I’d try for another light little laugh, but I couldn’t summon anything up, not even with all of the new Alix’s weight behind me. I couldn’t lie to him, not to my Alex, but to explain myself would mean my plan had failed before it had a chance, and that would be the end of everything for me. So I told the truth, hoping against hope that he wouldn’t hate me for the rest of his life because of it.
“I’m sorry, Alex, but I’m not sharing my list with anyone.”
The love in his eyes had me dying a thousand deaths. “Not even me?”
I had to swallow twice before I could get the words out. “Not even you. I have to walk my path alone.”
“You don’t have to do anything on your own,” he said softly, his voice a warm brush of the softest velvet against my skin. I shivered at the contact, the ache inside me building to a level of pain I hadn’t known was possible. “You have me. Come back with me, Alix. Be with me. Live with me. Marry me.”
He was everything I wanted. He was the perfect man
for me, a perfect fit, every facet of our beings a complement to the other. He was my life, my heart, my soul. I would never be complete without him, but to join my life to his now would end up in disaster. It was better to hurt him here and now than to destroy him later. Wasn’t it?
The cab came to a halt in front of the gaudy pink door of the student house. I glanced from the door to the mirror where the driver was watching us silently, then to the man sitting beside me, offering me his heart. I hoped he would see the love shining in my eyes as I spoke the words that might well spell my doom.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I truly am sorry. I
have
to do this. It’s important to me.”
“Whereas I am not worth the trouble.”
I flinched as he tossed my own words back in my face, and reached out to touch him, to comfort him, to cling to him as I told him he had been right, that I had finally seen what a mess my life had been before and how I had taken steps to change it, but he slipped away and held the door open for me. I scooted out of the taxi, my heart dead and cold as he tossed some money at the driver, then turned and walked off toward the train station without a glance back at me.
“Hoo.” The driver blew out a long breath, looking me up and down. “I knew you Yanks were an aggressive lot, but I never thought you were cruel.”
I watched as Alex’s dark figure disappeared down the stairs to the tube station. I was beyond tears, beyond something so simple as a mere fatal blow. I had nothing left but myself. So be it.
I lifted my chin and regarded the driver steadily. “Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.”
The three weeks following Alex’s birthday passed quickly. I posted my list on the wall and used a big red marker to cross off each item as I completed it. I wrote all day long, and spent most of my evenings at Daniel’s flat, talking, writing, learning. He hadn’t been sworn to secrecy about my work, and one night he mentioned that he had met Alex for lunch.
I couldn’t bear to ask, but I couldn’t bear not to. My misery must have shown in my face, because he covered my fingers with a warm hand. “He’s fine, Alix. A little heartsore, I think, but otherwise well.”
I nodded, unable to speak for the tears pooling in my eyes, but I wasn’t going to let myself give in, not then, not when I was so close to achieving my goal. That night I finished revising my story. I stared at the laptop blindly, not seeing the words as I felt the familiar sense of emptiness that accompanied me everywhere these days, wondering
if it was worth it, wondering if I had made the right choice after all. The memory came to me of Alex lying in bed, his body relaxed and sated, the spicy scent of him sending curls of desire licking my body. I saved my file, hit
print,
and crossed off another item on my list.
Three weeks to the day after Alex walked out of my life I met with Maureen Tully, agent. She was my only connection to the publishing world, and after discussing with Daniel the possibility that she might be one of the unscrupulous agents who prey on newbie writers, I decided to give her another chance. After all, she
did
originally like my story, and she
had
returned part of my money, and it certainly was true that the story in its original version didn’t stand up under anyone’s scrutiny. So, after pleading with her secretary Jacquie for an appointment, I spent four hours with Maureen in her smoky office while she read my revised manuscript from start to finish. By the time she was through, I had an agent again.
“I didn’t think you could do it,” she said as she turned the last page, reaching for another tissue. I smiled a gracious smile as she mopped at her eyes and blew her nose, and predicted great things for my literary future. Later that day I drew another red line through an item on my list.
One task remained. I scooped up a handful of coins and headed out for the nearest red phone box, the kind that could handle international calls.
“Hi, Mom, it’s me.”
“Alix? Where have you been? Why haven’t you answered your e-mail? Where are you? You’re not still in England, are you? I told you to stop wasting time and come home!”
“Yes, I am still in London. Sorry about not answering the e-mails, but I’ve left Stephanie’s flat and I don’t have access to e-mail anymore.”
“You’ve left the flat? What on earth are you talking about? You’re not drunk, are you? What happened to that man you were seeing?”
I looked out of the phone booth to where a couple was sitting kissing on a bench in Russell Square. “He’s still there. Mom, I don’t have a lot of time to talk, so if you’d let me just say what I have to say, I’d—”
She made a snorting sound. “I knew that wouldn’t last. No man would want a woman who writes pornography!”
“It’s not pornography, and you don’t have to worry about that version I sent you, I’ve revised it. Mom, I’ve got about forty seconds left to talk, so I’m just going to say this right out: I’m not coming home.”
“What? What? What are you saying? You
are
drunk!”
“I’m not drunk, but I’m not leaving, not unless I get thrown out of the country. I love this place, I love everything about it, especially”—I glanced back at the couple on the bench—“especially Alex. If he’ll have me, I’m going to stay.”
“If that isn’t the stupidest, most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard you say, throwing yourself away on a man who will probably kick you out as soon as he’s tired of you. Well, don’t come crying to me when you find yourself pregnant and stuck in some foreign country!”
“I have to go. I have only ten seconds left, but I wanted to say one more thing.”
She was silent on the other end, probably trying to think up a string of invectives to heap on my head. But this was my money, my plan, my hopes for success.
“I love you, Mom, and I forgive you for not believing in me.”
“What? What? Alix, what are you talk—”
The phone clicked twice and went silent.
A great weight lifted off my heart as I stared at the receiver in my hand. I was free. I was whole. And best of all, for the first time in my life I had done something right. I had fought for what mattered most to me, struggled on my own, and I hadn’t once given in and taken the easy way out. The unknown face of success stared at me, and I welcomed it with open arms. I hung up the phone and danced a little victory dance right there in the phone booth as I crossed the last item off my list, laughing with a joy I hadn’t felt in a month.
I had done it. I had done everything I planned to do, and I had succeeded. Now all that remained was for me to reap the rewards of my success.
I headed off to my flat to gather the necessary items that I’d need to capture my prize. It wasn’t going to be easy, but as a very wise, very sexy man once said, the things that are worth having are worth working for.
And he was
very
worth working for.
I was more than a little nervous when I knocked on Alex’s door. I knew he was home; I had taken the precaution of calling Isabella and asking her if he had returned from work yet. She called me back ten minutes later and told me he had, then wished me luck in regaining Alex’s heart.
I laughed at the knowing tone in her voice. “Isabella, you are a witch, aren’t you?”
“Certainly not. I simply value my friends and want to see them happy.”
“Keep your fingers crossed for me, then. I’m going to need a lot of good wishes in order to get him back.”
“If anyone can do it, you can,” she replied.
I smiled at a man outside the phone box. “Yup. That I can.”
I wasn’t quite so confident when I was actually standing outside Alex’s door, but I was excited. Excited and scared, and tossed between love for him and the fear that he’d slam the door in my face.
I reached out to knock again when the door opened.
“Hi, Alex,” I said breathlessly, and bit my lip. He looked hot and tired, just as he had that first day I saw him. “Would it be possible for me to come in and talk with you a bit?”
No expression filled his eyes; no sign of any emotion passed over his face. He just stared at me for a moment with eyes that were flat and empty.
“Um…Alex, you’re scaring me some with that look. Can I come in? Please?”
He stared at me in that chilling manner for another few seconds, then stepped back and let me enter his flat.
I knew that explaining my plan wasn’t going to be easy, but I had hoped he’d at least be happy to see me. The way he was standing leaning against the door, his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes about as warm as those of a really pissed-off serial killer, did not bode well for the happy reunion I had been mentally planning, lo, these last three weeks.
I chewed on my lip for a few moments, then held out my package. He didn’t even glance at it. I took a step forward and shoved it at his chest. “I brought you something.”
He took it and allowed his uninterested eyes to examine it.
“It’s my manuscript,” I pointed out helpfully. “I finished revising it.”
I waited for recognition to strike him. I waited in vain.
“It’s the original story, Alex. The one that Daniel thought was so bad. I didn’t give up on it after all, you see. I took your words to heart and went back and revised it until it was a much better story. More consistent. And I didn’t ask anyone’s advice about it…well, almost no one. Daniel helped a bit with some plotting advice and he talked to me a lot about writing, but I never once asked what he thought of the story. So you see, I owe this whole manuscript to you.”
Nothing. He just stared at me, his eyes cold enough to trigger a second ice age.
I licked my lips, leaned forward, and flipped the first page back. “There’s something I want you to read, there.”
His gaze never left mine. I gritted my teeth and poked at the manuscript page. “Alex, I know you’re pissed—I mean, angry—but you could at least look at where I’m pointing!”
His eyes narrowed.
“Fine!” I snapped, and stood next to him, my head at an angle so I could read the page. “I’ll read it to you, since you’re so busy being all pride bound and prickly and everything. It’s the dedication. It says,
‘To Alex, the only person who saw my true worth, my friend, my lover, my everything, the man who is worth any amount of trouble just so long as he’s by my side. I will love you forever.’ ”
I looked up hopefully, tears blurring my vision. “I
know you’re hurt and angry with me, Alex, and you have every right to be, but if anyone can understand, you will. I love you. I have from that first day when you took my pot plant, and that scared me more than anything I’ve experienced. I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you, and I figured it would all just end up in the toilet the way all my other relationships have, and so…well, Isabella was right about that, too. I was protecting myself from being hurt when you dumped me by not giving all of myself to you, and then when you didn’t dump me, I got all panicky and scared and worried, and are you going to let me blather on like this without saying
anything?
”
“You don’t love me.”
I sniffed and wiped my tears on the sleeve of my blouse. “I knew you’d say that. I do love you, Alex. I love you with every teensy tiny bit of my being. I love you so much I knew I had to do something to change, so you’d love me, too.”
“You don’t love me,” he repeated stubbornly. “You left me. You told me I had no place in your life.”
“Oh, Alex.” I turned to face him and slid my hands up his taut arms to his neck. He was stiff and unmoving under my hands, but there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that I was going to give up on him now. “I never said that, not once! It was all my plan, you see—my plan to turn myself into the woman you wanted.”
“I wanted you as you were.”
I shook my head and brushed my lips against his. He didn’t kiss me back, but he didn’t run screaming from me, either. Point one for Team Alix. “You didn’t want me, you wanted a woman who wasn’t riddled with insecurities and flaws. You wanted a woman who valued
what she had, who fought for what she wanted, who knew the good things in life don’t come easy. I had to leave you to find that woman, Alex.”
“Why? Christ, Alix, I offered to help you—”
“I know, love—oh, don’t think I didn’t know and wasn’t tempted by the thought of just caving in and letting you fix everything for me, but I couldn’t do that, don’t you see? If I didn’t stand on my own two feet and do it alone, I’d never be able to respect myself, and worse than that, you’d never respect me. I had to get away so I could rewrite my manuscript. I had to get away so I could work by myself, without the support of my friends. I had to leave you in order to prove I could be the woman you deserve. Don’t you see? I had to leave you so I could find my way back into your arms.”
I stood pressed against him, my body warm against his, my hands on his tight shoulders. He hadn’t budged one inch; his arms were still crossed over his chest, his jaw was still tight. But his eyes had life in them again, even if it was only the hot glare of anger.
I didn’t blame him. If the shoe were on the other foot, I’d want to put his lights out. With a wry smile, I lifted my chin and stepped back. “Go ahead, punch me. Right on the chin.”
He did a damned good impression of my goggle. “What?”
I tapped my chin and turned my head slightly. “Punch me on the chin. I deserve it. You’ll feel better afterward.”
“I’m not going to strike you, Alix.”
I kept my chin firmly turned away from him. “I know violence isn’t the answer to any problem, but sometimes you just really need to deck someone. I figure you’re pretty angry with me, and you’ll feel much better if you
vent your spleen with a little physical contact.”
“You’re right,” Alex said after a moment’s consideration. He started toward me. I opened my eyes wide at the look of emotion on his face, then slammed them shut hard as I braced myself for pain. He didn’t touch my face, but grabbed me around my waist and pushed me backwards toward his computer table. My butt bumped up against the table as he leaned forward and swept off the stacks of papers, notebooks, and books that littered the surface.
The look in his eyes left me in no doubt that he was in the grip of a strong emotion, but which emotion was it? He hadn’t decked me when I invited him to, but he certainly didn’t look like he had forgiven me, either. My newfound courage suddenly deserted me when he turned those hot, burning eyes on me.
“Uh…Alex, maybe I ought to come back a little later when you’re not so—”
The words were cut off as his mouth descended upon mine. It was a kiss, but like no kiss he’d ever given me before. This one was demanding, unyielding, a dominating kiss that said better than words that I had no choice but to surrender. The thought didn’t even cross my mind to dispute that fact.
“You left me,” he growled as he put both hands on my waist and hoisted me up onto the table. His hands were all over me, in my hair, holding me for another one of those ravaging kisses, tracing along the curves of my breasts, on my bare legs, sliding up my thighs, pushing my dress up as he headed for the promised land. My heart soared at his touch, at the look of pure, unadulterated desire burning in his eyes. He might not forgive me for what I had done, but he sure wanted me.
“I had to leave you,” I whispered, offering the sacrificial lips up a third time without the slightest murmur. I started to fumble for his shirt buttons, but he snarled and forced my hands lower. “I had to leave you so I could take charge of myself, of my life. I had to know I could do it on my own.”
“You told me I wasn’t worth your trouble.”
“I was hurt and wanted to hurt you, too. I was an idiot! I was stupid! I was crazed with grief and didn’t know what I was saying!”