Impulse: Southern Arcana, Book 5 (13 page)

Julio hummed and whispered her name. “Sera? Sweetheart?”

Tears burned her eyes. Shame, humiliation. Frustration with herself for still being weak. Pathetic and needy, like a good little submissive who was scared of fake monsters in the dark. “I’m okay.”

“Don’t,” he murmured. “With anyone else, okay, but not with me. Please.”

Breathing around the lump in her throat hurt. The pressure kept building, a sharp pain in her chest that would only be relieved by tears or words. Her choice, and it was terrifying to swallow the tears and try words. They came slowly, halting at first, because she didn’t know how to start. “My mom used to make me hide. In the closet or under the bed. Under the bathroom sink, I think…”

“Fuck.” He draped a sheet over her and gathered her in his arms. “Come here.”

He was warm and strong, and he smelled like safety. “I don’t remember much of it because I was young. Something had happened—” The words got stuck in her throat, and she had to take a steadying breath. “Do you know why the cougars and coyotes hide?”

His eyes were dark with sympathy. “I imagine because things get pretty fucking ugly when your species is dying out.”

“I don’t even know if it’s their fault,” she whispered. “I mean, the human part of me says it’s terrible. You don’t stalk a mate and take them against their will. But we’re not like the wolves. None of us were born human and turned. We’re all trapped by instinct, and fighting it makes us crazier.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” he argued. “I was born this way and I’m not trapped or crazy.”

“The wolves aren’t dying out,” she countered. “It’s not just one bastard, Julio. A coyote raped my aunt when my mom was a kid, and my grandfather died challenging him over it. And my aunt had a daughter, and when she was seventeen, a coyote found
her
.” Her heart pounded. She was breathing too fast, and she couldn’t stop the words, like lancing the darkest festering place in her heart. “They all died. My cousin, and my aunt, trying to protect her. And my mother—my mother—”

“Shh.” He tucked her face against his chest and rocked her gently. “I’m sorry, Sera. Sorry like hell.”

It helped, if only because she’d never said the words out loud before. As hard as it was to give them voice, the oppressive silence had been worse. She’d lived for years in complicit understanding with her father, never bringing up the events that had torn their family apart. Never telling anyone else, because seeing horror in their eyes would make it
real
.

Julio didn’t react with horror. He didn’t drown her in pity. He held her and rocked her until the tightness in her chest eased enough to let her continue. “My mother never forgave my father. He was off being a mercenary, and she thought he should have been at home, protecting his family. But it wouldn’t have helped. They lived in Missouri, not New Orleans. Even if he’d been with us, he wouldn’t have been able to save them.”

“What about you?” he asked gently. “What do you think?”

She laughed, part pain, part helplessness. “I don’t know. I think my parents tried really hard, even when life was shitty. My mom was losing her mind, and she knew it. She was scared of hurting me, so she brought me to Mahalia, and Mahalia found that place for her to be safe.”

His fingers trailed through her hair. “Then it sounds like she did the best she could for you. That’s all anyone can ask, right?”

It had taken Sera a lot more time to come to that same conclusion. “I’m not a kid who’s pissed at her parents. I grew up fast. I guess I was in a hurry to repeat their mistakes.”

“Trapped by instinct,” he whispered. “That’s what you meant. Josh.”

Wrapped in his arms, tucked against his chest, the last thing she wanted to talk about was Josh. But the words hung between them, and she had to find something to say. “Do you know why he hit me?”

His hands tightened with a protectiveness that thrilled her, though he relaxed them immediately. “Why?”

“I let everyone think it was because I tried to leave. Because I wanted to see my dad.” She caught his hand and tangled her fingers with his. “But it would have happened anyway, because he found my birth control. And that’s the only unforgivable thing a female coyote can do.”

He sighed, heavy and harsh. “That bastard had no right to do that to you.”

It almost made her smile. “I know. I may be a submissive, but I’m still my father’s daughter. And that’s why he hated me the most. He never had the power, because he had to keep me happy. One call to my ex-mercenary dad and his scary fucking friends, and I would have been a widow.”

Julio touched her cheekbone, the one that had been bruised along with her eye when she’d run to New Orleans in the first place, and her heart stuttered, knowing he remembered so clearly. “Does your dad know yet? That Josh hurt you?”

Sera winced. “It came up while Lily was helping me get divorced, but your sister convinced him that crippling himself to get revenge for a black eye was going to hurt me a lot more than letting it go. I’m pretty sure the only reason he didn’t pitch a fit when I moved in with Kat was that your brother was around all the time.”

“Are you kidding? You’re one of Miguel’s favorite people.”

“Yeah?” It made her smile as she turned to rub her cheek against Julio’s shoulder. “You’re dangerous, with your cuddling and your alpha power and your petting. I just unloaded on you.”

Julio waved it away. “If you’re keeping score, I guess that makes us even.”

The bare skin under her cheek should have felt sexual. But his grip was warmth and tenderness, as if he knew how to leash the burning awareness between them when she needed shapeshifter comfort more than a man’s touch.

Only fair, she supposed, when she’d done the same to him. “Julio?”

“Hmm?”

She wanted to hold her breath. “Can I sleep with you tonight?”

He only smiled. “Here, or in my room?”

“Your room.” He’d only spent two nights there, but his scent would be everywhere. “But I need some clothes first.”

He nodded as he rose. “I’ll wait. Take your time.”

It didn’t take long to find underwear and an untangled top. She pulled on shorts too, plaid boxers that had been washed until the pattern faded, and they were soft and comfortable. Her next stop was the bathroom to splash water on her cheeks and try to twist her hair back into a braid.

When she crept to Julio’s room, she found him sitting on the edge of the bed, turning a CD over in his hands. “Music?”

“Sure.” It was naive to pretend that comfort wouldn’t give way to tension again. By morning she’d be curled around him, half-crazed with the need to kiss him until she drowned in him. But right now…

She didn’t want to sleep alone.

He gestured to the bed. “Do you have a side? I usually sleep in the middle until someone shoves me over.”

Sera slipped onto the opposite side of the mattress. “I can sleep anywhere. My right arm’s a little sore, though. I hit my shoulder pretty hard when I rolled off the bed.”

“It looks really red. You’ll probably have a bruise.”

“Bruises fade.” She stretched out on her left side, facing away from him. “If you think this is a bad idea—”

“What, us sleeping together?”

“Mmm. I’m feeling cuddly right now, but no blaming me if I wake up something else.”

He chuckled. “Aren’t we past dancing around it, Sera? If you wake up
horny
.”

She reached a hand to where he perched on the opposite side of the bed, her fingers barely reaching his hip. “I’m going to do what you asked. I’m going to just be. Come be with me?”

He clicked off the lamp and stretched out beside her. “I can do that.”

Sera curled to her side again and squirmed close enough to feel the warmth of his body. In the dark, it was easier to say the most important thing. “Thanks for listening. For letting me talk.”

His arm draped across her waist. “If you need to talk some more, you let me know. If you don’t, I’m good with that too.”

More words wouldn’t help, not now when she was still half-drunk on the defiant thrill of throwing the door open on all the skeletons in the Sinclaire family closet. She’d spoken about the past, and the world hadn’t ended. It was a start.

Enough for now. “I just need this,” she murmured, lacing her fingers with his.
I just need you.

Julio’s thumb stroked over the back of her hand. “We’re supposed to leave tomorrow. Where do you want to go next?”

That slow, soothing touch would lull her to sleep soon enough. “Where’s Universal Studios?”

He laughed. “Orlando, I think.”

“That always sounded fun.” She nestled deeper into his embrace. “But I’ll go anywhere. It’s all an adventure for me.”

“We could head to Disney too. Get some mouse ears on you.”

It sounded sweet. It sounded
fun
, and she would have told him so, too, if she hadn’t been well on her way to blissful sleep.

Chapter Eight

He woke with Sera in his arms.

Julio buried his nose in her hair and inhaled with a groan. “You smell good.”

“I smell like you” was her husky reply. She tilted her head back, arching her throat toward him. “I like it.”

“I’m not that much of a narcissist.” She smelled like shampoo, sunblock and salt. “It’s got to be you.”

“If you say so.” Her eyes drifted open, sleep glazed but amused. “I slept like a baby in your guest room, you know. It smelled like you too. Just enough to know I was safe.”

“So you want to keep sleeping with me?”

She traced a fingertip along his collarbone. “You shouldn’t ask me that. I’d spend days in this bed with you, if you’d let me.”

His dick hardened. “Can’t. We’re checking out today. Still have a few hours, though.”

“Yeah?” A little wiggle, and she had her hip pressed up against him, rubbing teasingly. “Are you going to make me beg, or are you going to play with me?”

Julio slid his hand over her hip, his fingers brushing her stomach. “I don’t know. I’m trying to figure out what you need, the stuff you might not even realize.”

She caught his hand and held it in place. “Uh-uh. I don’t want to be screwed for my mental health. I don’t believe in sexual healing, and even if I did, it doesn’t sound very fun. Just be, right?”

“Just be.” He rolled her to her back and leaned over her. “I don’t want us to have sex because we woke up in the same bed. I don’t want to need a convenient excuse.”

Sera stared up at him, her face surrounded by wild strands of hair that had escaped her braid during the night. She took one slow breath, then another, as if she was working up the courage to say something. When she finally did, nervous vulnerability showed clearly in her eyes. “Promise me that you’re doing all this slow seduction and dominance stuff because you like it, not because it’s what I want.”

He could give her that. “I promise, sweetheart.”

Lifting her head, she brushed a soft kiss to his lips. “I said yes that first night. To everything. I’ll tease and I’ll flirt, but I’ll do anything you want until you decide you don’t want that responsibility anymore.”

“I know.” What he didn’t know was whether responsibility was something he could ever walk away from again.

She was still watching him, wide-eyed and uncertain. “Did I—” Her teeth dug into her lower lip, followed by a quick swipe of her tongue. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No.” He indulged himself by caressing her cheek and jaw. “You did everything right.”

Her eyelids fluttered shut, and she lifted her chin into his touch with a quiet sigh of pleasure. “Sometimes you touch me like I’m… I don’t know. Something good.”

“Only sometimes?” He’d have to do better.

Her nose scrunched up, as if she thought he was teasing her. “I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

She laughed and blew out a frustrated breath. “I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I always like the way you touch me, but sometimes it’s soft, but still strong.” Her voice fell to a shy whisper. “It makes me feel safe.”

It made him feel like he wasn’t running away after all. Like he was doing something right. “I think I get it.”

With her eyes still closed, she turned her face toward his hand. “Are you sure? Because if you’re not doing it on purpose, be gentle with me. My heart’s not as tough as the rest of me.”

Nothing seemed like a remotely adequate response. He could reassure her, but what did any of it mean? Either they were ready for it, or they weren’t.

He eased back. “I’m not doing it on purpose, but I can stop anyway. If that’s what you want.”

She swallowed and caught both of his arms, holding him in place. “No. Not unless I’m the only one feeling…something.”

Because he didn’t know what else to say, he kissed her nose. “Breakfast. Want to go out?”

“Waffles.” She wiggled out from under him and bounced to her feet. “With whipped cream and strawberries. And bacon. And coffee.”

“You don’t have to cook every meal, Sera. You should take it easy.”

She capitulated without argument. “Then you pick a place while I pack and take a shower.”

He’d fucked up, but he couldn’t help it. He’d been honest, and that was all he could do. “Take your time.”

“It won’t be long.” She paused in the doorway and smiled at him. “I still want waffles, though.”

When she’d gone, Julio sat up and curled his shaking hands into fists. He’d tried to go slow, to be careful, and it didn’t matter. She was open, vulnerable to him. That meant he could hurt her, and it was the last thing he wanted to do.

Panama City Beach hadn’t been a basket of puppies and rainbows, but the reception they got in Orlando was downright chilly.

A group of men were waiting for them at the hotel. Either someone was talking about Julio’s impromptu tour of the Southeast, or someone at the hotel recognized his name.

He sized them up as he unbuckled his seatbelt. “Stay in the car, Sera.”

Her gaze tripped over the wolves. “What do you want me to do if one gets past you?”

Surely they wouldn’t. “They’re looking to assert dominance. Coming after you would be weak, beneath them.” He flicked the keys hanging from the ignition. “If that happens, leave me behind and get the hell out of here, ’cause it means all bets are off.”