In a Class of His Own (19 page)

“What
are you scared of?” It came out on a dry, cracked whisper.

“You.
I’m scared of you. Because I haven’t got any control over how I
feel for you.”

My heart thudded. “And
how do you feel about me Jack?”

He
came back to sit by me but looked down at the filthy floor. The
muscle in his cheek was pulsing frantically. “Nicky,
I’ve had relationships before. There was someone at college but
that fizzled out when we got teaching jobs in different parts of the
country. I went out with a friend of Jenny’s for a while but it was
just sex I suppose.” He swivelled jerkily towards me and looked at
me then. “I’ve never felt anything like I feel for you.” He
moved nearer and cradled my face between his hands. I could feel his
hot breath warming my face. His hands were trembling. “And I don’t
know what to do about it.”

“I
do,” I said and reached forward to kiss him. It was a gentle kiss,
a tender one. His lips were cold but it only made it all the more
exciting. After his initial shock he reacted and then savagely
deepened the kiss. I drew away, taken aback at the ferocity of his
response.

His eyes still screwed
shut, he rested his forehead on mine and gave a long sigh. “I
haven’t got anything to offer you.”

It was the emptiest
declaration I’d ever heard. I began to die a little inside.

“It’s
simple Jack. If we like each other, we spend time getting to know one
another.” I whispered the banal words, trying to calm the
situation. Surely this wasn’t how it should be – angry words
hurled out in a sordid cottage?

“You
still don’t get it do you?” He snarled so viciously that I
flinched and shifted away. “It’s not just my pathetic failure to
trust anyone, I’m your superior, your boss, for God’s sake. Your
position in school was bad enough when there were only rumours about
us. If people found out there was actually something going on how
much respect do you think you’d have?”

I knew he was thinking
about his father.

“But
I think I’m falling in love with you, Nicky.”

He was
falling in love with me! My head began to spin and I could feel my
pulse beat erratically
in any old rhythm.

Then cold reality slammed
in.

He
took to the floor again, pacing madly. “I’ve fought it all the
way. God, do you know how much I’ve wanted you? And I can’t
control it. I’ve
tried to keep away from you but the more I tried the more you drew me
back. I could kill any man who is allowed to touch you or even smiles
at you. That time I saw your brother in the flat? I wanted to tear
him limb from limb. Every time Rupert makes you laugh I could …”
he paused, as if sensing the violence of his words. “And I’m so
terrified of you that I’ve taken a job a hundred miles away.”

“That’s
certainly going to make a relationship difficult.” I said it
quietly but inside I was shrivelling. It was so unlike the romantic
declaration I’d imagined that it made me suddenly angry. Up to that
moment I hadn’t thought I was overly romantic. But I wanted the man
I was in love with to declare his feelings with joy. To exalt in
sweeping any barriers away, not to deliberately place more between
us. I’d got to know the man now and I wasn’t sure I could cope
with what I saw. I wasn’t sure I could give him what he

needed. I was overwhelmed
with this new intense Jack in front of me. And he hadn’t even
thought to ask how I felt about him.

He
strode across the room with a desperate energy. He whirled around to
face me. “Until you came into my life I knew exactly what I wanted.
I knew exactly where I was going. I was
earmarked for this government job months ago and now I don’t even
know if I want it!” He pointed an accusing finger at me. “And
then you come along and everything’s turned upside down. God it’s
a disaster.”

“I’m
sorry I’ve made your nice, ordered life such a mess,” I shot out
through clenched teeth. I was beyond anger now. “There doesn’t
seem to be much of a future for us, does there? Even assuming I feel
the same way about you,” I added scornfully.

He paled.

I drew myself up and
clutched some shreds of dignity around me for comfort. “So, just to
get this straight; you think you love me, against your will and your
better judgement. You refuse to take it any further because we’re
working together and you’ve now taken a job on the other side of
the country to avoid seeing me. You know Jack,” I said, desperation
making me sarcastic, “When a girl is told a man has fallen in love
with her she usually likes to be told it’s the best thing that’s
ever happened. She usually likes a little romance, not to be told
it’s ruined the man’s life. When I tell someone I love them I’ll
make sure it’s the most wonderful thing they’ve ever heard.”

My voice finally broke,
as tears threatened. I turned it into a cough. I stood up, glad that
my legs still held and tugged my jacket to me. “And he certainly
won’t be told of all the difficulties it’s caused.”

He
looked stricken. “Nicky I’ve
just been trying to do the right thing, to be honest. Oh God, I’ve
made such a fuck up of this haven’t I? Nicky?”

“You
could say that,” I responded, in horribly clipped tones. “I’ve
heard enough for the moment. Perhaps Jack, you’d better take your
own advice and keep our relationship on a strictly professional basis
from now on. And now if you’re ready, I’d like to go home. I’m
really not feeling at all well.”

He
leaned back against the wall, heedless of the dust and grime
smearing his suede jacket. He was ashen faced. “But I love

you!” He came to me
then and tentatively touched my arm. “Nicky, what are we going to
do?”

I couldn’t bear the
hopelessness in his voice and softened. “I don’t know, Jack. I
just don’t know.”

We didn’t talk much on
the journey home. Jack had tried to talk to me, to explain further,
but I didn’t want to listen. That he loved me had come as a
revelation but the manner in which he’d told me had been a shock.
As far I could see, if you love someone you don’t deliberately put
obstacles in the way of that love but crash through them. And not
only that, I knew Jack was committed to the London job for at least
six months – could any embryonic feelings like ours survive a long
distance relationship? But most importantly, could I deal with a
damaged man like Jack? Could I give him what he needed, what he
craved? Lulled by the motion of the car I’d eventually fallen into
an uneasy sleep.

I took great pains to
avoid any contact with Jack after our return from Dorset. I had too
much to think about. And I had no one to talk it through with. Mum
and Dad returned from Spain, full of stories of how wonderful it had
been. Mum, in particular, was triumphant at her bravery in actually
going. I didn’t want to spoil the jubilant mood by weighing them
down with my problems. Mum was the most content she had been since I
moved back. And while I knew it would last only until her next bout
of depression, I knew she now had ways of coping - and support - to
help her through.

Despite Ann’s best
efforts, Rupert was still showing no interest in her, so she had
enough heartbreak of her own to deal with. And I knew Bev would
simply tell me to forget all about Jack Thorpe and just move on.

During the rest of the
Easter holiday my brain turned the questions over and over
ceaselessly, in a futile loop. What was it about Jack's manner of
declaration that had offended me so? Was I really a penny dreadful
romantic who wanted hearts and flowers, all offered on bended knee?
My thoughts constantly strayed back to the passionate kiss. No man
had ever kissed me quite like that. Remembering it, I felt my insides
go liquid with desire.

I returned to work, at
the start of the new term, feeling numb and looking awful. I blamed
my appearance, when asked, on my recent illness. I avoided Jack and
refused his many entreaties to talk.

Ironically, a few days
into the Summer term, the weather turned cold and a freakishly late
and heavy fall of snow began to come down in the afternoon. My Year
Six pupils, made fractious by SATs revision and anxiety, were
desperate to get out into it. It was my duty day so it was my
decision about wet play. Rupert was due to come outside with me and I
knew he wouldn’t mind getting cold and wet. I looked out of the
window. In London I could hardly remember having snow. It just didn’t
seem to happen. Thick flakes were now falling over the playground,
transforming its grey dullness into a promise of excitement. I looked
at my class. Their faces, made younger by the hope of some
snow-filled fun, were shining in expectation.

“Please miss, we’ve
worked ever so hard today,” whined Emily at her most persuasive.

I gave in.

Playtime was fun. Cold
and wet, but fun. As Rupert and I made our way laughingly back into
the school Jack strode out of his office, his face pale, his lips
thinned.

“See me after school
today Nicola,” he snapped out.

I bit my lip. Jack
appeared to be as controlled as ever but the difference now being
that I knew what lay underneath. And what it cost him to maintain it.

As it turned out I had a
temporary reprieve. Jack had forgotten it was a staff meeting night
and afterwards was holed up in a meeting with Angus and the Premises
Committee.

I clamped down on my
frustration – I was tired and wanted to go home. I tried to occupy
myself by filling in the paperwork needed for the SATs, which I
needed to submit soon. I then spent an unhappy hour trying to get the
printer to work on the class pc. Impatient fingers pressing the print
button too many times had caused a print jam. The fact that this
time, the fingers were my own and not a child’s did little to
improve my temper. I knew I wasn’t working efficiently and resented
being swept up by Jack Thorpe.

Again.

As I walked along the
corridor the only lights I could see on were the ones in the
administration offices. I could just about hear the murmur of Mona
talking on the ’phone and could see a sliver of light bleeding from
underneath the closed door to Jack’s

office. Outside the snow
had disappeared as quickly as it had come. There was even a smell of
Spring in the air. A blackbird was singing; its tones, round and
rich, lifting into the sky. Most of the other staff had more sensibly
gone home into the chilly April night.

I took a deep breath and
walked into the danger zone.

“Did you even bother
to think about Health and Safety?” Jack began, without preamble.

He looked awful. His hair
was disordered and his face thinner, with marked lines running from
nostril to mouth.

“What? What do you
mean?” I asked, genuinely puzzled.

Jack took an enormous
breath and spoke as if talking to an imbecile. “Health and Safety,
Nicola.” He stood, implacable as ever, arms folded. “Didn’t you
even think to ask me if it was safe to go out at play time?”

I stared at him in
amazement. Was this all he wanted to see me about? The perilous hold
on my temper began to slip. “Oh don’t be so ridiculous. It was
only a bit of snow.”

“And if someone slips
over and breaks their leg, or gets grit in their eye from a snowball,
we’ll be liable. Did you think about that? Or were you too
desperate to get out there with Rupert?” he snarled, viciously.

I didn’t respond. Now I
knew what really lay behind his temper.

Jack strode to the
window, as if desperate to escape, his hands clenched at his side.
Then he rounded on me again, his face like thunder. “And is it true
that you agreed to have Tony Sexton in as supply cover?” he asked
menacingly.

Ah. I didn’t see that
one coming. But this, I could not, I
would
not, let go. I was tired and worn out through having to deal with
all this endless emotion but I was going to argue my case. My anger
exploded to meet his head on. We stood close together, hurling out
our frustration.

“You’re always saying
– “

“I will not have that
man in my school. Not under any circumstances. I forbid it Nicky.”

I looked up at him
aghast. I hadn’t seen him like this, or heard this savagely
autocratic tone since the early days of the Autumn term. I’d
thought he had softened. Blood rushed to my head. I’m not entirely
sure I knew what I was saying. I was certainly past thinking
coherently.

“You forbid it? In
your
school? And there’s me thinking we ran this school together!” I
added, resorting to sarcasm. “What harm can it do? We’re always
desperate for supply cover, you know that. Tony knows the school, he
knows the children. He’s experienced and I think he’d be a real
asset.”

“An asset!” he
yelled, in a crushing tone. “Oh yes, like he was before! Stirring
things up with the parents! Openly defying me, going against every
decision I made. On top of all that he was a lousy teacher!”

“That’s unfair and
you know it!” I knew I was beyond control. We were both shouting
now, at full volume, heedless of who could hear us.

Jack sneered, “He
always was a pet of yours, wasn’t he? You like your pets, don’t
you? I’m surprised you’ve got time for Tony now you’ve got
Rupert following you about like a little puppy!”

For a minute I was
utterly speechless. “That’s a foul thing to say.” I managed,
after a second of deafening silence.

Jack came to me suddenly.
I backed against the bookcase as he loomed nearer, his huge presence
dominating the room. His face was white and there was sheen of sweat
on his forehead. He looked unleashed, terrifying. He put his hands to
my face, holding it with little gentleness. I looked up into his eyes
which were blazing with heat. I could feel my anger treacherously
melting into another emotion. Lust pooled in my stomach and my heart
began to race to a different rhythm.