In any ordinary life (In any oridnary Book 1) (34 page)

“Look at you…your men are dead. I’m sorry Je.Jack but that’s war you look as if you’ve been shot yourself you need to rain this in and pull your shit together.” Jeanie didn’t raise an eyebrow she could because again he was right and after everything she didn’t want to give him that satisfaction as well.

“What you can see John is disappointment. I kept a unit together and alive without food or radio communication for six months and yesterday I just feel like I let those boys down but your right I do need to pull my shit together. Sir.”

“I need you out of here…Fuck did you just agree with me...”

“There’s a first time for everything.” John pulled the chair in front of her and as he took hold of her blackened hands he knew Jeanie had learnt the art of survival

“I was ready for our own war you’ve caught me off guard.”

“All I want to do is go home.” placing his hand over hers he clasped them together.

“I’ve …I’ve done nothing but think about you and its drove me crazy. Matt said I’ve been obsessed but even now I know your safe but I don’t want to have to be the one to put you back in danger.”

“I don’t know what you’ve been through and I’m sorry I didn’t realise…I don’t see any other choice we have I’m not injured and I was part of the last group to come over. You don’t have any choice…” As the door way opened Jeanie dropped her fingers and the awkward silence increased the tension.

“Yes…what is it..” the private embarrassed awkwardly stepped towards him,” Sorry….sir this came through….” And as the private left Jeanie stood and buttoned her jacket.

“Please don’t go we can sort this out.” Facing the doorway Jeanie opened the slat really hoping he could.

“Let me know if you figure something out.”

Jeanie ran her hands over her head and as the rain berated the earth like an angry parent she felt tired, frustrated and disappointed as she headed back into camp.

   The last 24 hours had been a living nightmare and John’s determination to find her had touched her deeply. Confused and alone she concentrated on the reason she had come to war in the first place.

James.

   Jeanie headed for the showers looking out for other personnel she contemplated her next move. Walking slowly through the showers she noticed the James on his own in a bottom stall. Checking again she tapped him on the shoulder.

“Can I talk…? I’m sorry I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

“Jeanie I thought… it doesn’t matter.”

“Can you watch whilst I take a quick shower I’m covered.” James saw the blood stained uniform and how tired and forlorn she looked.

With James guarding the door Jeanie stood inside the cubicle trying to wash away the dirt and grime which Signthorpe and Mike had created. Jeanie shivered and hurriedly dressed back into her dirty clothes.

“You can’t where that it’s full of blood let me get you some spare clothes stay here….” On his return James brought spare shirt and trousers for Jeanie, seeing the sores he also brought with him spare dressings

“Before your shirt I need to look at those sores,”

“I’m…it’s been so long I’m scared James.” Placing his hand on her cheek he tried to reassure her.

“I love you your always beautiful to me and I can’t continue to see you in pain with these.” Wincing Jeanie turned around and took off the shirt, her pale milk like skin showed the scars of her ordeal. Cupping her hands and arm around her breast she turned around.

“I needed the bandages to be tight.” James looked at the blisters and swabbed them with iodine. “I’ve got most of them the one under your left arm is the worst. Jeanie why?”

“Can you help me with the bandages...?” Seeing her desperation he didn’t force any more questions, feeling his hands smooth around her back Jeanie closed her eyes.

“I used I used to dream about you touching me not like this though…not like this at all….” As he pinned her into the bind, James run his hands over her shoulders.

“Let me get you that shirt...”

“I love you very much and I don’t understand what brought you here and I may never know but I’m glad you are.” Jeanie kissed the back of his hand.

“I don’t think I deserve you I don’t think I deserve anything at the moment.” Pulling her close, he kissed her forehead.

“John’s here…isn’t he?” She didn’t have to confirm because he felt it. John couldn’t leave her on her own and he would never have expected him to.

“I can remember seeing you last night, when you showed me the scars I knew it was you. I thought I dreamt it but days and nights blur so easy here…you should know that now.”

“I’m not injured and I can’t go home James I only knew John was here when I found you Mike Kowalski was working with Signthorpe…I shot him dead last night and brought you here with John.

I lost five men….because of some sick elaborate plot to kill all of us and now…now I don’t feel like a whole person anymore. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat…I’m sick to fucking death of being called a degenerate…but I did it all for you…I thought you where dead or dying but I couldn’t contemplate loosing you…so I left our home, caught a boat and enlisted. Does that make me a fool or a hero James… cause at this very moment in time…I feel like a murderer.” James swallowed deep, her words remorseful and sallow made him understand her actions

“I don’t know any other person in this situation who would be as strong and determined as you are to see this through. I went to war thinking you where safe….and now your hear because someone wanted all of us gone…but I can’t help but rejoice in the fact that you are the only person I have ever known who would give up her life for me and Jeanie I feel it.. I would give you anything and everything for you I want you….I want to love you forever just let me.” Jeanie smiled as his words comforted her and before exiting the showers James kissed the palm of her hand.

“Let me love you.” Looking into his eyes she felt the sincerity of his kiss, “James I’m broken in more ways than you could fix…loving you will never be the problem. My whole existence is the problem.” Letting go of her hand he placed he watched her walk across the camp, heading back to his own quarters he turned around to gather another glimpse.

“Let’s mend each other...” 

   Watching the other soldiers play cards Jeanie lay on her bed thinking about James’s words, let me love you rung through every pore. They had been apart for twelve months but some of the men had been away from home for years, Jeanie plucked at her bandages deep in thought. Not able to settle she walked around the camp trying to make sense of this complicated situation.

“Hey stranger. You not fucking left this place yet?” Merle was sat in an old wheelchair taking a drag if his cigarette.

“Jesus Christ Merle….how the fuck are you?”  Jeanie surprised to see how well he looked revelled in the fact that he was alive.

“Lost my leg but there are worse things that could have happened at least it means I get a free trip home…” Jeanie looked under the tatty blanket inquisitive at the sight of his stump.

“It’s good to see you it really is.” Merle offered Jeanie a cigarette and knowing her refusal he looked at her distant gaze.

“Eh Sarge come on you look like you’ve lost a dollar and found a penny.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“I heard about what happened I’m sorry. You know Pete’s saying tough. It’s all SNAFU in here…” Jeanie smiled nervously knowing the details of the encounter where sketchy enough, rumours just made her feel worse. “So what did you hear...?” Merle took another drag of his cigarette and looked out at the rain.

“That it was fucked up you had no chance just stuff like that

“You don’t know what you’re walking into in this place. So how long till the trip home?” Diverting the conversation Merle perked up

“Yep two maybe three weeks back to old Blighty first then off to Milwaukee. Virginia will be waiting for me back home just can’t wait to see them all again you know. What about your family got anybody special waiting for you?” Merle hung onto every word intrigued to know about Jeanie’s life even the six months that they had spent together she had been a mystery.

“I mean Sarge you practically know everything about us. Jesus Christ even down to the fact of how many nights Eugene had to piss.” Jeanie dragged a chair up to the side of him.

“I know. I suppose I have been a little guarded. I do have someone special just hope I live up to expectations.”

“Maybe it’s your baby face do you think…”

“Or maybe looking at the bets you all had against me that it’s because I’m a woman. Which odds where they again...” Merle flipped open his notebook counting through the pages the small element of light relief felt right.

“35/1 odds on that one Sarge. Let’s face it though your not?” Jeanie smiled again not answering his question either way. These men had become part of her family and knowing they had started a book made Jeanie feel even more mysterious.

“So any plans set in stone for you Sarge….” Jeanie picked up a piece of twine and rolled it around her fingers.

“Not yet I believe the Japs are retreating out of China so probably be sent up there. But only time will tell Merle. For now all that I have is in this camp so that’s got to be good enough for now.”

Chapter 33

The preparations had already started in the cottage and Jeanie was finally coming home. John had been the first to be sent home and knowing her family would be waiting in anticipation he brought them the news that Jeanie would be home mid October 1945 and James would follow in early November.

   Trying to hide her whereabouts had become a challenge to all of them and in the end Eric had to be told.  As Irene ordered the banners to be raised, the rest of them congregated at the window.

“Mum the taxi is here what we do…”

“Just let’s be as calm as we can be.”

Jeanie had been instructed to burn her uniform and in that moment Jack Rutherford had officially died on the crossing back from Burma. In his place Jeanie Rutherford Watson was reborn.

   John had left her a pale blue flowered dress and Jacket, not knowing what to do with her hair Jeanie wrapped her head in a scarf and bought a matching hat.

    She didn’t bare any physical scars from her experience however; deep inside everything about her had changed. Not knowing how her family would be able to cope made the journey home more apprehensive than exciting.

   Stepping through the front door Eric was the first to grab hold of her. “You’re braver lass than I give you credit for. Don’t worry you mum let me know and I promised to keep a secret.” Eric kissed her on the cheek and shook her hand as if she had been welcomed home a hero.

There was nothing heroic about her actions. Just death.

Nothing more.

“Welcome home pet.” The brigade of girls clattered around Irene and as Jeanie flooded through the crowd and as her watery gaze met Irene she froze to the spot.

“I’m home Mum.” The array of kisses and hugs overwhelmed Jeanie to the point that they barged her back into the hallway, revelling in the noise Jeanie clung to them. As they all gathered together in the living room, Jeanie forgot the feeling of security that only home could give. Listening to the buzz of conversation and the delight that home comfort could bring Jeanie fell asleep.

   Everything about coming home had been stressful, reinventing herself had been worse, at least as Jack she knew her job her role and her purpose, now as Jeanie everything was back to chaos.

   Reaching her old room Ivy caught hold of her hand.

“We’ve missed you and there is so much I need to share with you.” “I’m…I’m not the same person Ivy. I had to change to survive but as Jack those things where easy to accept as Jeanie I don’t understand how I did them.” Ivy kept hold of her hand trying to understand what she had been through. “Your home now maybe we can figure everything out together…”   

   Getting changed for bed Jeanie caught sight of herself in the mirror, looking at the floor she realised how long it had been since she could see herself as a woman. As she lay in bed she couldn’t get comfortable, the ironic thing was she had been dreaming about a soft warm comfortable bed to sleep in and now it just felt like a coffin. Dragging the blanket onto the floor she lay under the bed, “It’s over with. Got to let it go…”

“Mum….Mum MUM! Come now mum its Jeanie.” Irene leaped to her feet Daisy hysterical by this point had started to run on the spot.

“Mum Jeanie’s locked herself in my wardrobe.” Irene confused by her daughters outburst, stood at her bedroom door.

“Daisy calm down. What happened?” Daisy still running on the spot started to panic.

“Mum she’s got a gun in there she says people are trying to kill her…..” Walking into the bedroom May was stood at the wardrobe. “Jeanie…Jeanie your safe now it’s me open the door. Please open the door,” Jeanie crouched inside with her hands over her head, all her experiences playing over and over in her mind.

“Come on love it’s only me. I don’t want to hurt you sweetheart come on.” Jeanie cowered in the light her thoughts encasing her past and present state. Her nightmares had felt so reel and even now in her own home she didn’t feel safe.

“I’m sorry…I’m sorry. I don’t…” Irene sat inside and held onto her daughter tight.

“I love you. You’re my baby girl come on. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done you had to do it to survive. Come on.” Irene coaxed her out; Jeanie dropped the gun on the floor and held onto her mother tight.

“I didn’t mean to I had no choice mum.” The tears stained her nightdress and the girls held onto every word with baited breath.

“Girls go back to bed….Jeanie will be getting in with me.”  Irene poured a large glass of Brandy and sat Jeanie down on the bed.

“Ok love I’m here shhh come on. Drink that and let’s get some rest...” Jeanie gulped down the brandy pulling her face she dropped the glass and placed her head in her hands.

“It’s not over mum. I can feel it there is something else and I just can’t put my finger on it. These dreams, nightmares are haunting me and they won’t go away. I’ve had to fight and kill to stay alive now I’m home it just seems like it’s not real. I’m still waiting for the ambush or death to jump up at me I….I can’t explain it. He followed me into the jungle and he’s followed me back out again and I swore I swore that was it when I killed him I swore to myself this wouldn’t happen. Mum I’m so scared this isn’t over.” Irene wrapped her arms around her daughter, she felt powerless in her struggle. Knowing she had gone to war because someone else wanted her dead made the reasons far harder to justify. Lying in the dark Irene watched Jeanie sleep, Jeanie was still agitated but at least she was asleep, no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t imagine what her daughter had been through.

Iris, Daisy and May sat in a circle on the floor of the bedroom.

“I don’t understand what happened. Daisy tell me again…Iris can you get the door...” May huddled the group together and with Daisy still upset by the incident she tried hard to explain.

“It was awful I’d just turned over and saw Jeanie stood at the door of the wardrobe with the gun and as I sat up she disappeared almost eerily into the wardrobe. She looked at me and told me to shush and whoever it was where coming and I had to keep quiet. That’s when she started to scream…It’s awful I can’t imagine what she’s been through….”

May’s sigh was heavy unable to comprehend what had happened, “I just hope things start to settle down….”

“The thing is Ivy desperate to discuss the plant and I don’t think she will give her enough time to sort it. Lets face it girls this situation is fucked up. I heard her talking to Mum and she still feels there is someone out there trying to kill her and to be fair after everything that’s gone on it feels justified.” Irene stood at the door and listened to what had happened; her heart sank as she had agreed that Jeanie should go. As the girls dispersed Irene poked her head around the corner.

“Goodnight girls she’s asleep now and that’s what we need…love to you all,” Watching the twitching slumber Irene hoped for now that she had settled.

   Jeanie was up first the next morning self conscious about last night’s incident she made breakfast as an apology. Laying the food out on the table Jeanie saw a familiar face at the window, opening the door Jeanie hugged him tightly.

“What’s that for? Are you ok?” Feeling her tremble John held onto her tight. “No I did something last night I forgot where I was and I hid in the cupboard expecting him to come for me…I don’t know what to do.”

John moved away from the door, still holding onto her Irene came into the kitchen.

   “Irene what’s happened?”

“John it’s my fault. I’ve done this to all of us.” Irene took her daughters hand still reminiscent of her other daughters conversations.

“Don’t worry love it will be sorted have a chat with John. A bit of fresh air might be a good thing. John?” Looking at Irene she seemed desperate for anyone to be able to help, placing her coat in her hand it was the first time she had given John permission to be with her daughter.

“A talk might help I know its John but James isn’t due back for another couple of weeks and needs must.” Jeanie started to cry she couldn’t believe how excited everyone had been, and she felt like she had let them down.

“I’m so sorry mum I’m a mess aren’t I…”

“No love just sometimes bad things happen to good people.” Watching her mum from the kitchen window Jeanie could see the strain of last night’s outburst.

“I want to go to the lake in the old wood. I want to lay some flowers on him. Funny really cause dad used to take me there fishing in summer.”

“I thought of you I was bringing it around as a welcome home gift…” Undoing the wrappings the knitted hat and scarf fell open in her grasp. “There lovely thank you.” wrapping herself up in the items Jeanie linked John’s arm as they strolled. The cool crisp morning was sharp and clear and in some ways the frost seemed to clear her mind.

“It’s funny we only go for walks in winter.” John smiled and strolled casually alongside. Reaching the clearing there was a small skim of ice on the water and the tree’s where bare. Isolated in the coldness the whole area was at peace in its woodland grace. Resting flowers below the small plaque she read out the words under her smoky breath. 

To Our Dear Son Francis John Stanton.

Taken from us by tragic circumstance. Loved and treasured for a lifetime. May the wings of heaven collect our angel and may the tides of time heal our wounds.

Forever in our hearts.

“I know you did all this because James told me. You know I love this spot and you also knew I would want his ashes scattered here. I just wish I could have seen him. But obviously it was never meant to be.”

Jeanie sat on bench looking over the water; sitting beside her John lit his cigarette and placed his arm around the back of the chair

“So are we going to talk about what’s really going on?” Jeanie shuffled away unnerved by his question.

“Mike Kowalski spoke to me before I shot him the words didn’t make sense at first but I thought I could escape all that by killing him and I can’t. I promised you that I could leave it behind but when he said it wasn’t over. I already felt it.  It’s easy to hide death when you’re at war it’s easy to kill without question the only question is can I live with myself…”

“Jeanie no body tells you how to deal with war. But on the other hand you haven’t just had to deal with war you’ve had to deal with two raging psychopaths who kidnapped your husband and wanted you dead. Don’t beat yourself up about it…” Jeanie stood and walked to the water looking at the ripples underneath the ice it symbolised how she was feeling

“John this just isn’t about Signthorpe and Kawolski and you know it. Don’t treat me like an idiot. This thing obviously runs deeper than either you or I have imagined. I needed to be sent out of the way. I don’t know what for but my mind is racing at one hundred miles and hour and I can’t catch up.”

Learning forward on the bench he understood her concerns and watched the last few years take more toll on her already fragile state of mind.

“He thinks I’m torn John he thinks I still love you.” 

“And are you.” Jeanie looked back into the water knowing she couldn’t run from either of them.

“Would it make any difference?”

“It would to me.” Looking

“He love’s me John I know he does.” Walking back along the river edge, Jeanie distance and isolation grew with every sentence.

“You’re not a back up if anything goes on. You need to find someone to make you happy, “

“If your have second thought’s about us Jeanie I need to know. You know how much I want you I just want to love you and I don’t care about anything else and please don’t tell me to love someone else when I don’t want too.” Jeanie tried to smile elevating some of the tension.

“I’m not torn because of you and it’s not because of James. I love you both in very different ways. I don’t think either one of you could be happy with me or sometimes I think I would be better if I didn’t love either of you. I’m cursed and so far I think I’ve proved that. Deep in my heart I know I’m too broken to be fixed and no relationship no matter how much love anyone gives will ever change that….”

“No matter what you think I will never give up on you and if this wretched event isn’t finished then we will see it through together” Jeanie starred back at the hopefulness in his gaze.

“I’m going to have to tell James that I went half way around the world to find out that all my problems are still back at home.

   I don’t want you living half of a life with me just like I don’t want James to feel that because he said I do he’s eternally stuck with me.” John wrapped his arms around her waist and turned her around.

“Jea this all changed that night I got shot didn’t it…didn’t it! We’ve been through so much and I want you to understand one thing I helped you because I want you to happy. But for my own selfish reasons it’s because I love you and would do anything for you. But I helped you because James was the reason that made you happy now if he isn’t I need to know.” Jeanie could pick her head up off the ground trying desperately to hold onto her coat for comfort. She felt cruel.

“Those moments after you where shot have confused me more…but you have to realise…I’m not yours anymore…and you have to stop waiting for me it’s cruel and I don’t want to be cruel anymore,” Dragging his hands from her waist he placed them on either side of her cheeks. The pink rose shone through his gloves sparkling in the cold air.