In Legend Born (81 page)

The freedom to do so now was so unfamiliar, she was giddy with it. If her life had been different, she might throw her arms open to Zimran now, eager to defy her aristocratic upbringing by taking a
shallah
lover. However, so many men from so many walks of life had groped for their pleasure between Elelar's thighs that her true freedom now lay in the ability to say no.

 
No.
She rolled the word around in her mind, enjoying the echoing silence of it.

No, I just want to sleep at night.

What a luxury! How
restful
it was that there was no man who could call her to his bed on a whim or invade her bed just because he felt like it. What a privilege this newfound celibacy was. For so long, Elelar's body had been a tool, a vessel, a means by which she bargained with unwitting men to get what she needed—what Sileria and the Alliance needed. She realized how much she enjoyed this unfamiliar freedom she had now to give or withhold herself without such considerations.

 Poor Zimran. He would be disappointed, and he would probably think it was because she was a
torena
and he was a
shallah
. Being a man, he also wouldn't understand even if she tried to explain it to him. Ah, well. She would enjoy his charm and courtesy, and she would return it in kind—when she had the strength—but she didn't intend to admit another man to her bed any time soon.

Elelar wondered if Tansen would be disappointed, too. His desire had been transparent when he was a boy, but now he seldom let his feelings show, and she found them confusing when he did. Oh, he still wanted her, she didn't doubt that; there were some things a woman could smell on a man's skin, no matter how stern he kept his face. But there were so many conflicting and fleeting responses mingled with his desire: mistrust, amusement, resignation, wariness. There were times when he was silent and secretive, but also moments when he spoke to her almost as he spoke to Josarian—honestly, directly, letting his thoughts come uncensored to his lips. There were times when he seemed to respect her, but also moments when he fairly radiated contempt and exasperation.

She couldn't think of another man who had such complex reactions to her. Josarian tolerated her. Zimran longed for her. Borell had wanted to possess her. Koroll had dismissed and overlooked her. Shiraj had enjoyed her. Ronall... She decided not to think about Ronall. Not now. This was not the time or place to dwell upon thoughts of the half-Valdan husband who had made such startling revelations in her prison cell.

Tansen was enough to fill her thoughts for now. He pushed and prodded, coaxed and goaded, keeping Elelar moving, making her go just a little farther than she thought she could each day as they approached Mount Niran. She would stay there until the Valdani stopped looking for her and it was safe for her to travel to rebel-held territory around Dalishar.

They stopped at a Sanctuary this evening, earlier than Tansen wanted to. Zimran had convinced him of the advantages. Besides giving the women a chance to wash, rest, and eat hot food, it would give Zimran a chance to make contact with men in a nearby village, gathering news of the war. So Tansen had agreed to the plan. Immediately after washing and eating, however, he'd left the simple comfort of the Sanctuary to prowl the surrounding area. The Valdani were barbarians who did not respect the inviolability of the Sisterhood. They routinely captured Sisters and regularly raided Sanctuaries searching for outlaws and rebels. So Tansen was watching for Outlookers.

Faradar was exhausted and so, after combing and dressing Elelar's newly-washed hair, excused herself and went to bed. As the sun set over the mountains, Elelar found herself bored by the Sisters' conversation and too alert for sleep. Knowing it would annoy him, she nonetheless went outside to search for Tansen.

He came up silently behind her, after she had called out for him several times, and snapped, "Yes, I can hear you. The people in
Adalian
can probably hear you."

She jumped and whirled to face him. "There you are!"

He sighed. "What do you want?"

Elelar's brows arched at his tone. "Are there hoards of bloodthirsty Outlookers in the hills?"

"No. Is that all,
torena
?" He turned to leave.

"Wait." She put a hand on his arm. He froze. Very slowly, he turned back to her.

"Well?" he prodded after an awkward silence between them.

"I would like to thank you for saving my life." Suddenly feeling self-conscious, she pulled her hand back and continued, "I was denied a trial. Myrell was taking me to the cellar for... death by torture. He promised he wouldn't let me die until I told him everything he wanted to know."

"He won't be torturing anyone else." Tansen's voice was quiet. "Ever again."

"So I... owe you my life."

"I hardly recognize you when you're being humble."

"You don't make humility easy," she countered.

He smiled. "Ah, forgive me. Very well,
torena
. I pray you, don't mention it. I'd do the same for anyone."

"Would you?" she whispered.

He went absolutely still for a moment, then looked away, as if ashamed. She could hardly hear him when he replied, "No. And Mirabar knew it."

The sudden shift in topic unsettled her. "Mirabar?"

"She's the one who told me you were still alive. She brought the news from Derlen."

"He escaped?" When Tansen nodded, she asked eagerly, "And my other servants?"

"As far as I know, they're all safe. Probably all trying to reach Dalishar."

Elelar wanted to collapse with relief. "Thanks be to Dar! I was so worried. I wanted to know, wanted to ask. But, of course, I couldn't. I couldn't risk letting the Valdani know whose safety I cared about."

"It must..." Tansen's voice softened. "It must have been very hard for you in there."

She nodded. "Now I know why men—warriors—say it's better to die quickly. Waiting, struggling against hope, trying to keep your worst fears at bay... It weakens you, drains you. Sometimes I wondered if Borell was doing it on purpose, even though he surely wanted me killed before I could disgrace him even more."

After a moment, Tansen asked, "Was he vengeful?"

She understood what he meant. "Yes." 

His expression was dark as he took her hand and said formally, "Shall I swear a bloodvow,
torena
?"

"No. He's already dead," she said. "Suicide."

"Suicide?" he repeated in surprise. 

"Yes. Because of the disgrace, I suppose."

Tansen released her hand. Elelar suddenly realized how seldom he had ever touched her. She wondered what he was like as a lover. Yes, now that she was free to choose, based solely on who she wanted, she knew she would think of him more often. There was no trace in him of the skinny, ignorant, awkward boy brimming with painful infatuation. He was all man now, experienced, confident, and ruthlessly disciplined. He was a man of grace and courage, intelligence and honor. What a rare lover for
her
, she thought wryly. He was special, but the complexity of their lives had forced her to look beyond his qualities as a man—until now. Now she was free to think of him as any other woman might, and she was surprised by how pleasing the sensation was. Besides, it would also be a practical liaison; there was no one Josarian trusted more than Tansen, and she... Elelar almost laughed at herself, suddenly aware of what she was doing. Even now, she couldn't help considering how it would serve the Alliance if she took another lover.

Old habits die hard.

She decided to let the matter rest for a while. This was a man, she was starting to realize, to whom she might choose to open her arms with no hidden purpose. But she wasn't yet ready for such a relationship; not so soon after her complicated life and near-death in Shaljir. If Tansen wanted her despite everything, then she supposed he might still want her even if she made him wait a little longer. Yes, she would let the matter rest for a while.

"Would he... have mourned you, do you think?" Tansen asked.

She didn't know what he meant. "Who?"

"Borell." Sensing her surprise, he added, "You said he wanted to marry you."

"That was before he found out the truth."

Tansen nodded. "He felt betrayed. He was vengeful. He would have ordered your death, no doubt, if not for the protests of your husband's family."

"Yes." She couldn't interpret the expression on his face, which she could still see clearly in the twilight.

"But that doesn't mean he wasn't still in love with you."

"Still in love with me?" Elelar shrugged. "If he was, then he was a bigger fool than I took him for."

"True, but..."

"But what?" 

Tansen hesitated before saying, "Have you never loved someone you also hated?"

"Never." She folded her arms against the descending evening chill. "I loved one man who betrayed me. From that moment on, I hated him. There can be no mingling of two such feelings."

"Can't there?"

She sighed with irritation. "Have
you
ever loved and hated someone at the same time?"

Tansen stared at her for a long moment before replying, "Yes. More than once,
torena
."

"If you—"

He moved quickly. His hand over her mouth silenced her. Elelar went still and pliant, aware that he now stood alert, listening to something she couldn't hear.

"Someone's coming," he whispered. "Go behind those trees and don't come out until I tell you to."

She nodded and hid. The scared pounding of her heart slowed with relief a few moments later when she recognized Zimran's voice. He was very excited. Elelar spoke and understood the mountain dialect, having learned it in childhood from her
shallah
nurse. However, she had trouble following such fast, breathless conversation as this, and the two men were standing so far away she couldn't hear all of their words. They were discussing something to do with Josarian, but that was all she could make out. Wondering whether they were all in fresh danger, she remained prudently hidden until Tansen called to her.

"I'm leaving," he said abruptly.

Elelar blinked. "
Now?
"

"Now," he confirmed. "There's no time to waste."

"You can't travel these mountains in the dark," she protested.

He ignored her comment. "In the morning, you and Faradar will continue on to the rebel camp at Mount Niran with Zimran. You'll be safe there for now."

Tansen's voice was harsh with strained emotion as she and Zimran accompanied him back to the Sanctuary.

"What's happened? What's wrong?" Elelar demanded, trotting to keep up with him.

He stopped abruptly and turned to face her. A curt gesture silenced whatever Zimran was about to say. "You deserve to know," Tansen said. "You should be prepared."

"For what?"

"The rebellion may be over. We may lose everything."

"What? Why?" She grasped his arms. "What has happened?"

"Someone has convinced Josarian that he's the Firebringer," Tansen said tersely. "He's on his way to Darshon to prove it by flinging himself into the volcano."

Elelar gaped at him in stunned horror for a moment before saying, "No! He can't! He
mustn't.
" The rebellion was still too new and scattered. If the leader of the
shallaheen
died now, the whole movement could collapse. "You've got to stop him!"

"Darfire, do you think I'm going to Darshon to give Josarian a
push?
" Tansen shook off her grasp on his arms. "Of
course
I've got to stop him!"

"Josarian has gone mad," Zimran said. "What other explanation could there be?"

"You heard this news in the village?" Elelar asked.

Zimran nodded. "Josarian announced his intentions in Kiloran's camp and sent a runner to Dalishar. Word is spreading already." 

Elelar looked at Tansen. "He
must
be stopped. Can you catch up to him?"

"He has a head start of a few days, but I know the
zanareen
," Tansen said. "My brother was one. He died in the volcano. The
zanareen
won't let Josarian simply walk up and jump. There are days of rituals and ceremonies they'll want to put him through. It could give me enough time to reach him before he... before he can do it."

"Will he listen to you?" she asked desperately.

"I'll
make
him listen," Tansen vowed.

Elelar rubbed her forehead. "What could have happened? What is Josarian
thinking?
"

"I don't know,
torena
." Zimran shook his head. "He is not the man I knew. He is no longer the cousin I grew up with."

"We're wasting time," said Tansen. "I'll go get my things. Zimran, get me a traveling lantern and plenty of fuel." He almost smiled. "There are times when I actually miss Mirabar. Guardians come in handy in the dark."

"If she's so handy, why didn't
she
stop him?" Elelar snapped.

He sighed. "Who knows?"

"I'll have the Sisters pack some food and water for you," Elelar said.

Tansen nodded and went to get his satchel. Hurrying into the Sanctuary to get food for him, Elelar realized there would be no rest now, no time for living simply as a mountain rebel. This changed everything.

Chapter Thirty-Three