In My Head (7 page)

Man to be a kid again and have no worries would be really fantastic right about now. The only thing you really have to worry about is getting fed and taken care of. But, even with kids, if you don’t do one thing right they don’t know any different. And they forgive really easily.

I gather all of the milk soaked clothes and run to the washer, trying not to make a mess with all of the dripping. Grabbing the vacuum, I suck up all the loose cereal that didn’t get eaten and then grab a bunch of paper towels.

Trying to soak up the rest of the milk, my mind wonders back to the guy I met yesterday. He seemed like such a carefree guy, that didn’t have any responsibilities. How I wish my life was that simple now.

After cleaning up all the milk and throwing away the paper towels, I grab a dishrag and wet it. I don’t want the floor to be a sticky mess later. A few minutes later and I’m pretty sure I have the mess completely cleaned up.

I throw the rag back into the sink, but sit back against the cabinets. I’m exhausted even just having gotten up out of bed and not exerting a whole lot of energy. I just want to crawl back into bed. But today is grocery day. So I really need to get in the shower and get myself ready. Even though I really don’t want to.

Finally dragging myself up from the floor, I walk into the living room, where I find my daughter sitting on the floor staring at the television. “Kay, Mommy is going to get in the shower.” She looks over at me, and nods. “I’m going to put Kody back in his crib.”

I turn and head towards the stairs. I went and got Kody this morning from his crib, grabbed a bottle, and fed him while he was in bed with me. He was still sleeping when Kay got me up to come see the mess she made. Walking down the hallway to my room, I pass all these pictures of my kids and some of myself and Ben.

I stop and stare at the picture in the biggest frame, it’s of Ben and me on our wedding day. The castle was the perfect backdrop for pictures. I couldn’t have asked for a better day. Everything was perfect.

So why don’t I feel as if everything is perfect now?

Turning away from the picture, I continue on my way to my bedroom and grab a sleeping Kody. Picking him up from my bed, I tuck him in close to my chest. With him wanting to crawl everywhere, I have to enjoy the times when he wants to nap because it’s the only time he lets me snuggle him.

Walking back to my bedroom and into the en-suite bathroom, I turn the water on then start stripping. I look in the mirror when I’m completely naked, never liking what I look like anymore. Stretchmarks up to my boobs, the spare tire I’m carrying around my middle, and the overall exhausted look I have all the time.

Finally disgusted looking at myself, I turn and step into the shower. Scalding hot water meets my back as I step directly into the spray. I’ve always loved hot showers, they can make every bad day better. Rinsing away everything. Almost makes you feel like you’re starting your day over.

And I need that desperately today.

Standing under the spray for just a few minutes, I finally pick up the soap and lather up my hands. Forgoing the washcloth. I raise my hands to my breasts, sliding my hands over and under them then follow the length of my arms. I pull my foot up and rest it on the edge of the tub, I start at my feet working my way up. Repeating the motions on the other leg.

When I make it to the apex of my thighs, I gently slide my fingers over my lips. An involuntary gasp escapes my mouth. I slowly slip my two fingers in between my lips, causing me to shiver despite the heat from the water coursing down on me. After sliding them back and forth a few times, I bring my fingers back to my clit.

I flick my fingers over the ball of nerves, eliciting a breathier moan. I close my eyes, imagining Ben is here. That it’s his hands bringing me to climax, instead of my own. That his head is between my thighs, doing that thing with his tongue that never fails to drive me crazy. It doesn’t take long for me to find my release, flinging me over that edge that has my knees all but giving out on me.

The really sad thing about me getting myself off in the shower, is that those green eyes I love so much morphed into bright blue eyes. Making the guilt weigh heavy on my heart.

I really need to figure out a way for me to find the intimacy between us again. I can’t be imagining other guys while I’m getting off. It isn’t right.

WHEN WE WERE AT
the store Kay threw an epic temper tantrum. Screaming because I wouldn’t get her the toy she just had to have. I had Kody in the basket of the cart, strapped in so he couldn’t go anywhere. But Kay I allowed to walk next to the cart because she wanted to. And I didn’t want to argue with my toddler in the store.

I had walked past one of the toy aisles and didn’t go down it to play when she requested. I tried to bribe her to walk past and get her to the checkout so I could buy her a candy bar. But no cigar.

She threw her tiny body down and started screaming. Which, in turn, scared her brother so he started screaming. So I got down next to Kay and tried everything I could think of to reason with her. But she wasn’t having it. After five minutes of both kids screaming, I lost the very little grip I had on my emotions and started crying with them.

One older lady happened to walk by, I’m sure she was over near us just to be nosy. She gave me such a look of pity before walking right on past us.

I’ve never felt like a bad mom before, but the look on that woman’s face just did me in. I stood up, picked Kay up like a football and deposited her in the cart and let her scream in there. I tried to wipe my face off the best I could and then trudged up to the checkout lanes.

Where every single person working a register wouldn’t look me in the eye or talk to me.

Two hours later and a truly hellacious discussion with Kay on manners, I have dinner started and groceries put away. I’m making pot roast, it’s one of Ben’s favorites. I’m hoping I can seduce my husband it shouldn’t take too much. I’m sure if I just lay down in bed naked that would do the trick. But I want to romance him as well.

I give the kids their baths before Ben is supposed to arrive home from the shop. Wanting everything to be ready to go in order to head to bed when dinner is done. I mean, it’ll be an early bed time for the kids and I won’t get much sleep since I don’t sleep well at night much anymore. But it’ll be worth it.

So fucking worth it.

I grab a bottle of wine, and pour two glasses. Setting them on the table, where I have the food dished out and ready to go. Kay and Kody have potatoes and carrots that are mashed up like baby food. I started doing that for Kay very early on, and tried to get her to eat them whole later but she refuses as does Kody. And they always make a huge mess, I’m praying today isn’t the same.

I glance up at the clock, it shows that it’s a little past five. Ben should be home soon. Even though the shop is open late, Ben goes in early and works a normal nine to five schedule. That way he’s home every evening. If there is an emergency and they need him, he’ll go back in.

Just after five thirty Ben walks in the front door. I actually cleaned up the living room some, in hopes that he wouldn’t stress about me being home all day.

“Hey, babe. Something smells good. Did you make me pot roast?” He sits his bag on the counter designated for all of his crap and goes straight to Kody. Picking him up out of his high chair and blowing raspberries on his stomach making him laugh hysterically.

“I sure did. The kids even had their baths already,” I tell him. Making him glance up at me, raising his eyebrows. And all I do is offer a small smile.

“Okay, let’s get dinner over with then,” Ben says loudly.

“But, Daddy! I don’t want to go to bed!” Kay says while pouting. If that lip sticks out any further it’ll end up stuck that way.

“Princess, Mommy and Daddy are really tired today. We want to go to bed early tonight.”

“All Mommy does is sleep! She doesn’t play with me anymore!” She’s borderline hysterical at this point. And so am I. I didn’t really want Ben to know about my sleeping. I’m sure he’ll run out and hire the first person he comes across to help me.

I don’t want any help.

He glances at me, letting me see the concern on his face. And I know we’ll be discussing this later. Damn it. I just want to get laid. I don’t want to discuss shit.

“I’m sure Mommy is just tired because she still has to get up with Kody sometimes during the night. While you and I get to stay sleeping,” he says soothingly. I hope that’s enough to placate her. But she just crosses her arms across her chest and sits there like the toddler she is.

After that we all eat, and I take Kody upstairs, and while Ben is tucking Kay away, I go back downstairs to clean up from dinner, putting all the leftover food away. That way we have lunch for the next couple days.

I feel Ben before I see him. It’s always been like this between us, I sense when he’s near. I hear his footsteps as he walks up behind me, wraps his arms around me and puts his chin on my shoulder. I sit the Tupperware down that I was trying to close and place my hands on the counters to brace myself.

“Are you really sleeping a lot?”

I turn to look at him. “I slept in a couple days, I just don’t think I’m getting enough sleep. I have been tossing and turning during the night, so my sleep is just off. It’s like I can’t get comfortable.”

His green eyes sparkle, telling me he believes me. Even though that isn’t true at all. I just don’t want him worrying about me. “Well, then. Are you ready to head upstairs, wife?”

“I am, let me just put this in the fridge.”

He leans in and gives me a lingering kiss on the side of my neck.

“I’ll be waiting.” With that he turns and walks back upstairs. I turn and watch him go. Enjoying the view.

WHEN I WALK INTO
our bedroom, the lights are all off and he has lit a couple candles around the room. But I don’t see my husband. I walk to the end of the bed, standing there staring at the vacant sheets as Ben comes walking out of the bathroom wearing nothing.

He walks to the bed and climbs on, situating himself in the center.

“Strip for me.” I’m taken aback by his words. He’s never really wanted to roll play before, but at this point I just want to be close to my husband so I’ll do whatever he wants.

Without answering him, I slowly take the edge of my shirt in my hands and pull it up. Exposing my stomach, then my breasts and then lifting it completely off over my head. I look him in the eye after the shirt clears my head. Reaching for the top of my yoga pants, I roll them down, stepping out of each leg. Standing back up straight, I stand there in my bra and panty set letting him have his fill before I take the rest off.

“God, you’re so beautiful. Take the rest off, baby.” His voice is so low, his words almost come out as a growl.

Reaching behind me, I unsnap my bra and let it slide down my arms. I turn around and slowly roll my panties down my legs. Bending over as I go, to give him a great view of my ass.

Turning back around, I crawl onto the bed slowly, inching myself closer and right over him. My hands on either side of his head, bracing myself so I can hold myself up. He gazes up at me, and I love the look on his face right now.

The look that says I haven’t lost my husband, I just forgot that we had this between us. Every time we have sex it’s like the first time all over again. I lean down and graze my lips over his, softly kissing him but pulling back when he tries to deepen it. The answering growl makes me cheer in response.

Not able to hold myself back any longer, I lean down and kiss him. Showing him how much I’ve missed this. Showing him how much I need him. It doesn’t take long for him to wrap his arms around me and turn us so he’s on top. He leaves my mouth to kiss my neck, leaving a trail of kisses all over my breasts and down my stomach. Stopping when he moves down enough to have his head right between my legs.

Looking up at me as he lowers his head is the most erotic site I’ve ever seen. His flattened tongue sweeps up the center of my pussy. He fucks me with his tongue and uses his fingers to rub my clit, making me moan and slip my fingers into his hair to hold on.