In My Veins (21 page)

My heart was racing making it worse.

He buried his face in my neck and I felt
the warm breath and sharp tip of his teeth graze my skin.

“Ja… James…” I said as calmly as
possible. I tried to lift my arms to sooth him out of whatever he was in but
his grip became tighter and growls got even more aggressive.

“James!” I yelled.

He brought his face back up and glared
at me. I stared into his eyes. “James… please don’t do this.”

He snarled at me and I my knees were
starting to get weak, “James…please.”

He stopped growling but still got closer.
His grip was still tight, tight enough to bruise, but not as tight as before.
He brought his face to my neck again and I felt his warm breath again.
Is
this going to be how it ends?

His grip suddenly loose, he wrapped his
arms around me. “I’m so sorry…” he kept repeating.  I felt warmth on my neck
again but this time it was wet. He was crying…

Still scared I wasn’t sure what to
do. I took a deep breath and forcefully brought up my arms to comfort him.

That was so close…

We stayed like that for what felt like hours. We
somehow ended up on the floor. He was still holding onto me with my back
against the wall and his face buried into my neck. My left shoulder is now damp
from his tears, which in turn is making
me
want to cry. I hate that he’s
in so much pain and there is nothing I could do.

Although I’m getting a little
uncomfortable and hot from the attachment I don’t want him to let go. He needs
this, I can feel it. I needed it too. So I rubbed his back with my hands trying
to comfort him.

“I’m so sorry…” he continued to mumble
occasionally.

“It’s okay… I’m fine…you’re fine.” I
whispered.

“I attacked you…I actually attacked
you.” He shook his head, “I’m so sorry… please don’t leave me…” he said
squeezing me tighter.

“I’m not going anywhere…”

Am I stupid for staying? He just
attacked
me and he’s not even denying it. “You should run away.”

“I’m stuck to you.” I said.

“No offense…but you’re stupid for
staying.” He laughed bitterly.

“That’s what love does...” I didn’t deny
it.

“I’m so sorry…” he mumbled again. I
sighed glancing at the slide door to the balcony. It’s already night. We have
been like this for hours. That means the meat’s been sitting out for
hours…that’s not edible anymore. He needs to eat or else his control would be
worse.

“It’s okay baby…” I tried pulling him
away but his embrace got even tighter, “James, you need to eat something. Let’s
order some Chinese or something and we can go to sleep…” I said softly.

“No…if I let go you’re going to run away…”

“I’m not going anywhere…” I said now
running my fingers through his hair. He pulled back to look at me, his eyes still
red but they didn’t look scary.

“Promise?” he said almost childlike.

“Yes. I promise. You’re stuck with me.”
I smiled but he still looked worried. “At the moment you’re literally stuck
with me.” I laughed making the side of his lips go up a little as he loosened
his grip and finally let go. Still sitting in front of me, so it would still be
impossible for me to run away.

I smiled and pointed to the counter
behind him with the phone. He looked and reached to get it. He called the order
himself, ordering everything with extra meat.

He put the phone down and stared at me
again. I started feeling trapped being against the wall.  “Can we at least go
sit on the couch…the floors getting uncomfortable?”

He remained quiet and before he lifted
me up effortlessly and walked us to the couch. He sat next to me and held my
hand quietly.

“James… I promise you I’m not going
anywhere you don’t have to act like this.” I said holding his hand up.

He had a painful expression and he
glanced at my hand in my lap.  I looked at it and saw the bloody finger.
It was dry but I’m sure with his sharp sense of smell, he could probably smell
the blood. What did he say? Blood is like bacon or was it cupcakes? And I can
smell bacon or cupcakes hours after it’s done cooking.

I tried to discreetly slip my hand
in-between my side and the side of the couch. He still won’t talk which is
making me feel uneasy. Why isn’t he talking? I glanced at him; he was now
looking out the balcony window.  Almost as if he sensed me looking at him
he locked his eyes with mine. His eyes were sweet looking again, but they were
still bright red. He’s definitely struggling to not bite my neck off at the
moment…but I’m not scared. If he were to bite my neck off I would be gone I
wouldn’t even know it…but he’d feel horrible about it.

I felt a chill run down my spine just
picturing how different it could have gone if he didn’t stop. How would he
explain my disappearance? He would be in a lot of trouble…and they’d see what
he was like revealing to the world the curse. Would his family get in trouble
too?

The doorbell rang and we both jumped up.
He looked at me and tensed. I immediately knew what he meant. I buried myself
deeper into the comfortable hotel couch and smiled at him.

It was just the food we had ordered. After
he ate he was back to normal. Well… as normal as he has been since the
permanent vamp state. I kept myself close to him so that he could know that I
wasn’t going anywhere. Even though, admittedly, the nervousness was still in
the back of my head since the second attack.

We turned on the TV and watched
some random family comedy. I wanted that. I never wanted it so much before. And
the thought of James never wanting a family because he’d be too afraid of
having a son like him breaks my heart. For the both of us.

Like most girls I always played house
with a doll but never thought much of it till James. I always thought I
wouldn’t want it. Always kept myself busy with school and most recently work.
Pushing the fear of relationships to the surface so that I wouldn’t have to
risk getting hurt. But I know James would never hurt me. At least not like
that.

 “I want a family…” I said before I
could stop myself.

He noticeably tensed. I looked up at him
and he avoided all eye contact.

She got out of my embrace to look at me
in the eyes, “James… I know you’ve been avoiding this subject.”

“I don’t know…”

“If we do get married. I want to have
your children…”

He remained quiet. Neither for or
against it. I felt my heart squeeze and I started thinking that I might have
crossed our awkward line and I wanted to sink into the sofa cushions.

He smiled and ran his fingers in my
hair, “Baby… I’m…” he looked around and I looked at him hopeful for any answer,
“I’m getting kind of sleepy, are ready for bed?”

I sighed, disappointed. I nodded and
stood up so we could get ready for sleep.

That night he held me extra tight as we slept.
I always fell asleep before him since he would wait for my breathing to even
out before he even attempted to sleep. I tried to fake my sleep so that I could
do some thinking but failed miserably.

I woke up again and looked around the
room as well as I could without moving. It was hot. The curtains blew in
gracefully showing that it was windy outside. Or at least there was a light
breeze. But it was still a hot night. And having James holding me, my skin
against his, wasn’t exactly helping.

It was still dark and the only light was
the glow of the moon and city lights.

But why did I wake?
Something
woke
me up from my slumber. I wasn’t a heavy sleeper, but I wasn’t a light sleeper
either.

As if to answer me, I heard a whimper
and James squeezed me tighter. James mumbled something I couldn’t understand
and whimpered again. I brought my chin up so I could glance at his face instead
of being smashed into his chest and saw that his brows were furrowed and his
eyes squeezed shut. He looked like he was in pain. Do vampires have nightmares?

He mumbled something again, I think it
was ‘no’ and ‘don’t go’ which broke my heart. I attempted to free one of my
arms that were wrapped around him so I could touch his face. But that only caused
him to squeeze me tighter.

“James wake up…” I whispered knowing that
was loud enough for him.

He stopped whimpering but his brows were
still furrowed.

“James, baby…you’re dreaming wake up.”
Finally letting my hand free, I ran my fingers through his hair. He snapped his
eyes open and looked around the room. He looked back down to me and hugged me
impossibly tighter. He brought me up to eye level with him and kissed me all
over my face. “I thought you were gone …” he mumbled and hugged me again. He
was shaking. Terrified.

“I’m not going anywhere…” I mumbled
softly before pressing my lips to his softly.  We couldn’t sleep but we stayed
in bed as he held onto me tightly. He stayed quiet, but something was
definitely going on in his mind. The sunrise eventually glowed into our room.
We stayed in bed. Both of us refusing to move.

Deciding to break the silence I glanced
up at him and saw that he had his eyes frozen at the wall. “What were you
dreaming of?” I asked already knowing part of the answer.

He sighed, “You.”

“I give you nightmares?” I arched my
brow, a silent dare for him to say I did.

He smiled, “No. But in my nightmares, you’re
always leaving me. You always end up calling me a monster and leaving.”

I sighed this time and sat up straight
to be closer to his face, “well, there is no famous saying that says nightmares
come true. I’m not going anywhere. We just have to take this one step at a time,
une etape à la fois
.”

He looked at me wide eyed, “Since when
did you know French?”

“I don’t… I just heard it on the movie
in the plane while you were sleeping.” I laughed.

“I like it.” He smiled and kissed the
top of my head. He kept his lips there. I felt him smell my hair, “It’s so hard
for me…to control myself. Are you sure you feel safe around me?”

“I
only
feel safe around you.” I
said pulling myself away and realizing he hasn’t truly kissed me since the
incident. Not being able to resist his perfect lips I quickly gave him a chaste
one and pulled back to look at his surprised expression making me smile. He
pushed me down and kissed me back, but finally the passionate one I was
craving.

One of his hands ran down my side to my
waist and I ran my hands down his back to his hard chest feeling the ridges of
his abs and the V around men’s hips I’ve always found hot. He groaned and
pulled away as quick as he had pushed me down on the mattress. I sighed and wrapped
my arms around his neck pulling him back to my lips.

Before I knew it he was moving lower to
my jaw then to my neck. I started feeling a little nervous especially when I
felt the soft prick of his teeth. We both froze and the prick turned into a
kiss. “I almost lost it again…” he mumbled, “you’re making this so hard…” he
said and laughed.

He pulled back to look at me in the
eyes, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay… I think we should get up
anyways…”

The week went by the same. We relaxed on
the rooftop garden together. I read magazines and he did some work from home.
We didn’t do any emailing or phone calls since we were technically still
supposed to be in Europe.

Sighing I looked at the magazine in my
hands. Socialite reality star with her new born baby…her second. Singer with
her two year old at the beach. Another actress with her five kids and expecting
another. Seriously is everyone having babies? Why is it the moment I start
thinking about possibly wanting this in the future, it becomes something that
he doesn’t want? He totally changed the subject when I brought it up in Paris…and
I was not going to bring it up again.

I quickly flipped the page to a fashion
ad and felt like I was being stared at. I looked at James and he was looking at
me with a sad expression.

He took my hand, “You okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine.” I lied and forced
myself to smile.

“You’re lying. I can…feel that you’re
sad.” he said looking at me. “Is it about…kids?” I didn’t answer, I just
shrugged. He sighed and leaned closer so we could talk more privately even
though there was no one else on the rooftop, “I do want…them. Especially with
you. It’s just… it scares me. The possibility of having a son…someone else that
will have to go through what I am going through. It will feel like I’m the one
that cursed him…
if
I can even still have kids.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look at me… I’m a monster. I’m not
normal.  I don’t know if it’s possible that I could be with you still without
draining you…” he said.

“But… you were born… your father had the
curse, your father’s father…”

“They weren’t stuck with it though… they
broke the curse before they got married and had the kids.” he said looking at
me. He cupped my cheek and examined my face, “I know you’re disappointed…
there’s nothing more I would want than to start a family with you. But I can’t
take the risk… I won’t risk your life for that. I’m already being selfish as it
is making you stay with me.”

“You’re not making me stay---”

“I’m being selfish by not pushing you
away.” He cut me off, “Unless we find something, I’m stuck like this forever. Who
knows what would happen if I really could have kids. What if the baby hurt you,
or I hurt you, or complications… I just can’t risk it.” he explained. Not
knowing what to say I nodded and tried to smile. Probably failing miserably and
just looking ridiculous.

I groaned and sat back in the bench
facing forward. “I’m sorry baby. I can’t give you anything but this mess.”

“As long as you are with me…that’s all I
need.” I said resting my head on his shoulder and suddenly feeling exhausted.