In the Rearview (16 page)

It would be

So much easier

To run away

Why can't I

Indulge in what

I truly want

It would be

So great

To hide

Inside

My own little

Deep black hole

In a split second

I lost it

No way to get it back

My innocence

It's gone now

Nothing I can do

It was taken from me

In no time at all

I have to move on

Try not to look back

Wave goodbye to my innocence

And just walk away

As I stand in the shower

I begin to cry

Try to release the pain

Try to let it go

There's nothing I can do

To change what happened

So I stand here

And let the water

And my tears

Wash all the pain away

Tomorrow is a new day

And as the water flows over me

I begin to see

That it is in the past

There's a reason I'm cautious

You're a liar

And a traitor

Everything you say

Is untrue and spiked with barbs

Your intention is to hurt

And you only want to satisfy yourself

You open your mouth

And what spills out

Is just a load of lies

You and you alone

Have taught me

Never to trust

And to always use caution

 

Dear Diary,

I'm still full of confusion and stress.

I try to relax, but it seems I won't have the chance. It feels as if there are so many things piling up on me, I can't let go of one problem without gaining another.

These are the kind of times I worry about. These are the moments, when I was struggling this much, I would snap under pressure and return to cutting for comfort and control. I desperately want to stay strong. I don't want to do it.

And I hope I don't.

I think I have done amazingly so far with what I have faced. No one else would have blamed me if I caved, but I would have. I would have cried for the loss of what I'd gained. For these reasons I push myself through the stress.

Now prom is coming up, and because of all the crap, I don't even want to go.

I'm still hurting. I'm still embarrassed. I still hate what happened. I know I probably will end up going to the dance regardless, but right now it's causing me stress. I'm sure my friends will drag me along. And that's okay, I guess, but I just hope I will have at least a little fun. I need that. I could use a good time right now. The fun and support of my friends will probably benefit me. I know everyone is here for me, but they are having a hard time making me feel better. I know they mean well, and it helps somewhat.

But sometimes it is hard to let the pain and worry go. Sometimes it is hard to drop everything just to feel better. It seems like a lot of work. Sometimes it probably just comes down to stubbornness.

I hope I start to let the stress of my mistakes go soon.

I have overcome too much to let the problems win.

I deserve better than that.

It was done

It was buried

It was a long time in the past

Now all of a sudden

I can't breathe

Don't know what's going on

Why can't this stay away

What could've gone so wrong

Why did I look back

Step back into that place

Read the words I used to write

It's left a mark upon my face

I thought my soul was mended

Thought I had moved on

If I was right

Then why do I want to try again

You've left me

Abandoned me

In my hour of need

What will I do

I'm lost

In my own little world

Someone

Hold me

Someone

Kiss me

Someone

Love me

Doesn't anyone

Want to be with me

Why am I

So lonely

And without love

I stopped writing

For so long

Almost forgot how

I stopped cutting

Just as long ago

Almost forgot it all

It's in the past

She says to me

But somehow

I feel differently

Don't know what's

Going on inside

A battle

Between heart and head

Don't know what to do

Why do I feel this way

I honestly thought this was gone

 

Dear Diary,

I hate to dig this up again. I don't want to get my hands so dirty. But lately I have had some problems with my feelings. It scares me, but I have wanted to do things so far in my past I can't believe they are even an issue now.

I have felt the need to cut again. As strong as I tried to be, the want keeps poking at my brain. It is taunting me relentlessly.

I know I shouldn't, and I know how bad of an idea it is. It took me so long to overcome the last time. Years of learning, growing, and healing took place to get here. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do all of that again.

That is what has stopped me. That idea, and the strength of my friends have made me realize how stupid I would be to do it again. I do feel weak in some moments, but I feel I am always getting stronger.

I have said it before, but the longer I go without doing it, the less I see it as a possibility.

It just proves how much stronger I am now than I was back then. I have come a long way. The fact that I hesitated, waited, and held back is huge for me. I love that I can say it's still in my past. It is not a part of my present, and I am working incredibly hard to prevent it from being anywhere in my future ever again.

Cutting may have been a part of who I was, but I have the power to stop it from being who I currently am and who I will be.

I hope I do at least.

But even if I always hold back and refrain, it's still, and maybe always will be a struggle.

I know I shouldn't

But I still think

What if

I could

Just one more time

I know I shouldn't

Feel this way

I worked so hard

To move on

I can't concentrate

Can't stay with

Just one thought

Too many feelings

Emotions and thoughts

Can't focus

My attention

On any one thing

For too long

This want is driving me crazy

Seems to be

Taking over

I know I'm stronger

I can win

Just need to focus

Break down

And concentrate

 

The urge hit Meagan like a semi-truck barreling down the highway on black ice. The brakes were no use, and she had no idea what to do. She staggered, struggling to remain in control of herself.

It had come out of nowhere. She felt vulnerable. She had been caught unaware and unprepared.

Her emotions were battling within her, threatening to tear everything apart.

Meagan squinted at the knife on the counter. She watched the metal shine in the florescent light of the kitchen's bulbs. It appeared harsh and hateful. She eyed it as if it might jump through the air and bite her.

She took a small step forward and abruptly stopped.

Rooted in place, she shook her head then threw it back ready to scream, but instead she surprised herself as she started laughing.

Uncontrollable and hysterical laughter bubbled from some deep unknown place that threatened to explode. Meagan felt this hidden spot inside of her had always been there, always hiding but following her wherever she went. Now it threatened her sanity and her safety. She was terrified of what would happen to her if this dark landscape hidden within her soul were ever exposed.

Her laughter subsided and left a prickling unease in its place.

“What am I thinking?”
What in the world am I doing?

Meagan struggled to comprehend the fact that she was honestly contemplating erasing so much work, so much time, and so much growth. Could she heal from this again if she plunged back in?

She knew if she made the mistake, if she was weak, she would fall farther than she could prepare for. The dive, this time, would be much deeper. One cut would bring back more than she want to deal with.

Could I handle that again?

Could I overcome everything for a second time?

Do I want to?

She understood if she jumped, she would be starting an avalanche of mistakes and consequences. There was a possibility, this time she may not come back to the right side.

Meagan made up her mind. She knew what was going to happen as she struggled the last few steps to the counter. In contrast to her feet, her hands possessed no hesitation with their swift movements. In an instant, she was nearly finished with her task.

She held the knife in her hand. After pressing the cold metal between her fingers, she dumped it into the sink.

She turned her back on every potential mistake and walked away, without ever looking over her shoulder.

Meagan had known she could be strong. She had just proved that. And she would have to be strong for the rest of her life if she planned to refrain from cutting forever. There would always be triggers. There would always be problems she had to work through with strength.

****

The outside air felt exhilarating on Meagan's intact skin as she walked down the street. She sighed, knowing she had won an important battle. She wondered if she would also win the war.

She sincerely hoped so.

Because of you

I paused

Last night

Hesitated

For just one second

Took the time

To stop and think

How stupid

To want to do this again

To ruin all I worked for

Worked through

These past three years

Because of you last night

I did

The right thing

All it takes

Is one

One slip up

One mistake

One backtrack

And it's all erased

The last three

Years

Of strength

And moving on

All it takes is

One more

Cut upon my arm

One more

Slice into my wrist

One more

Scar in my mind

To start it all over again

Don't give up on me

Please

Keep trying

Break down

My wall

My barrier

I've got more to give

More love to share

More life to live

With you

Look deep into my eyes

Kiss my lips

Open my heart

Like only you can