In Too Deep (5 page)

My younger brother Abraham and I sat silent while our mother yelled and cried for our father to stop with his vicious tirade. All the while, Travis sat stoic in his chair with tears streaming from his eyes, taking everything my father had to offer. Eventually the verbal assault just became too much and he got up from the table and left the house.

Three days passed before he came back home. Our father wasn't home when he did, so my mother took the opportunity to make sure his stomach was full. When he was done eating, he showered, put on fresh clothing, and then came into the bedroom where Abe and I had been sitting silently. He looked at both of us, but didn't say a word. I could see in his eyes that he was looking for approval and support. Not knowing the right thing to say, I remained silent, and instead gave him a reassuring nod. Obviously, I would have preferred that he not be gay, but I'd come to grips with the fact that he was a long time ago, so I couldn't turn my back on him, and that's what I told him with my nod.

I'll never forget the smile of appreciation he gave to me right before Abe, who hadn't said a word about Travis's coming out since the dinner, finally reacted. There was so much happiness in that smile. In that moment, he seemed at ease. But that was only for a fleeting second, because before I even realized it was happening, Abe jumped up from his bed and gave Travis a vicious blow to the face, breaking his nose instantly. Older by six years, Abe knocked Travis down and pummeled him with numerous hate-filled left and right body blows until I wrestled him off. Abe tried to go at it with me, but, before he could connect, I wrapped him up in a bear hug and pinned him to the ground.

Unable to break free from my grasp, he stopped fighting and just stared at our younger brother, and in a very quiet, yet lethal voice said, “Don't ever speak to me again, you motherfucking faggot. You're not my fucking brother.”

Forcing his way out of my grasp, Abe got up from the floor and left the room, and left me alone to help my bloodied brother to the bathroom to clean his wounds. Abe never spoke to Travis again, while I've been helping to clean up his wounds ever since.

My brother's lifestyle isn't the greatest and on one too many occasions, I've had to rescue him from ugly situations. Like I said, he's really flamboyant and he doesn't seem to understand that not everyone is willing to tolerate his boisterous ways. He's been in and out of the hospital more times than I care to remember, because of being beaten up not only by pissed-off heterosexuals, but by the abusive boyfriends he's had as well. Sometimes I couldn't help but wonder if he was trying to commit suicide by living the way he did.

“What happened now, Travis?”

He sighed again and then very quietly said, “I need a favor.”

“What's new? What do you need?”

“I need you to come and get me out of the hospital tomorrow.”

“You're in there again?” I shook my head. “What happened this time?”

“I . . . had a fight with Paul.”

“You're still with that guy? I thought you would have learned your lesson after the last three times.”

“Paul's not bad, Randy. He has a very stressful job. Sometimes it's just too much for him and he has to vent.”

“How long are you going to let him take his frustrations out on you, Travis?”

“Look, Randy, please spare me the sermon. I don't need to hear it right now. Are you gonna pick me up tomorrow or not?”

“Whatever, man. Your funeral. Where are you, and what time?”

After getting the information from Travis, I hung up the phone, forgetting that Tina had still been on hold. The phone rang, reminding me. I reluctantly picked it up.

“Sorry about that,” I said, unable to hide my frustration.

“Baby, what's wrong? I can hear in your voice that was a bad call.”

“That was my brother.”

“He still living like there's no tomorrow?”

“Only way he knows how.”

Tina smacked her lips. She never cared for Travis. “Oh well,” she said. “When you choose to live in sin like that—”

“Cut it, Tina.”

Tina smacked her lips again. “Fine. Where did you say Monique was again?”

I squeezed my temples and clenched my jaws. “Tina, I need to get some rest. If you want to talk to Jalisa tomorrow, call at an earlier time.”

“Why are you avoiding the question, Randy?” Tina pressed.

“Call Jalisa tomorrow,” I said, ignoring her. Before I hung up, I think I heard her say something about coming over. I hoped I was wrong.

J
azz whispered softly from my speakers as I sat in darkness alone with my thoughts. I was trying to get some work done. Lord knows I needed to, because ever since I left Randy, I hadn't been able to focus and it began to show. I'd lost another case, and I was on the verge of losing another, and as bad as it is to say, I just didn't really care.

I was miserable.

I had never fallen so hard for someone before, the way I had for Randy. He made me feel things that I thought were only possible on the movie screen or in between the pages of romance novels. No matter what I did or didn't do, I couldn't get him off my mind. I missed his smile and his gentle touch. I missed his annoying snoring and the nightly battles for ownership over the blanket. I longed for his good-bye hugs and hello kisses. My days just didn't begin or end the same without them. I never realized how big a role he played in my life until he was no longer by my side.

But it wasn't just his habits and the comfort of knowing that he was there that I ached for. I had also become extremely close to Jalisa, and to not see her left me with an empty feeling inside that was different from the vacancy I felt over Randy. Without intending on it happening, I had become a mother. Jalisa and I bonded in a way she and Tina never would. It was me that she reached out for when she needed help, and it was me that she looked for when she wanted some attention. I missed not being there for her. Even more so, I missed her not being there for me, as her presence in my life was something that I had come to rely on. Just knowing that with each passing day, I was possibly losing the connection I had with her, made everything that much more frustrating.

The CD changed and switched to an old Color Me Badd disc. It was set on random, and immediately started playing a song that went straight to my heart.

I listened to the words in the song and thought about how everything used to be for Randy, Jalisa, and me. I thought about all of the moments the three of us spent together. Special nights in front of the television with popcorn, soda, and juice, watching Disney movies. Walking hand-in-hand through the park on sunny days. Despite Tina's best effort at sabotage, nothing had kept us from becoming a family.

I wiped a tear away from the corner of my eye. I was lonely without them. Lonely and angry. The more I thought about the whole situation and the way it affected everything, the angrier I became. I felt cheated. Cheated out of love. Cheated out of a family. Cheated out of happiness.

Why the hell couldn't Randy have just shut Tina up once and for all? Why did he have to be so damn nonconfrontational? Hell, a little fight every now and then was good for the soul, and after dealing with all of Tina's antics, his soul needed a good cleaning out. I damn sure enjoyed my purification after I hit her.

Thinking about that moment brought a tiny smile to my face. I had needed that release. After Randy and I argued about my having lashed out in front of Jalisa, I felt really guilty. But the more I thought about what I had done and the timing of it all, the more I realized Randy had been trying to protect her from too much. Jalisa was so much older than the five years she'd lived. Whether Randy wanted to accept it or not, she understood what kind of woman her mother was and wasn't. Trying to shield her from a reality she'd long accepted was pointless. But that was one of the things that I loved and hated about him at the same time. He wanted so much for his little girl to have what too many minority children these days didn't have—both parents involved in her life.

Both he and I were fortunate enough to have been raised in a two-parent household. I didn't realize it until I got older, but having both parents really helped mold me into the woman I'd become. I honestly admired what he was trying to do for Jalisa, but some battles, as valiant as they were, just weren't worth the time and effort. Tina was not the woman that our mothers were, and she never would be. I know he knew that. I just wish he would have accepted it. When it came to Tina, I wish he wouldn't have been such a good man.

A
fter I hung up the phone with Tina, I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes. My head was hurting from all of the frustration.

Frustration over Travis.

Frustration over my father and Abe's relationship with Travis.

Frustration over Tina.

Frustration over what had happened with Monique.

I fell asleep with nothing but frustration running rampant in my mind. Had the doorbell not rung and woken me up, I would have remained sleeping until the sun rose. I lifted my head and looked at the clock and saw that it was almost two in the morning.

Who the hell could it have been at that hour? Again my thoughts went to Monique. And again I was sorely disappointed when I looked through the peephole and saw Tina standing in the hallway.

Shit.

I hadn't been hearing things.

I opened the door.

“What are you doing here?”

“I'm here to give you that massage.” She walked past me, with a small bag in hand.

“Tina, you need to leave.”

“Why? Monique's not here. If she were, she would have answered the door.”

“Tina, you have to leave. Now.”

“So what happened with you and the yellow bitch, anyway? Did you finally come to your senses and realize you'd been wasting time with her all along?”

“Tina—”

“You know I'm right, Randy,” she said, sashaying toward me. “I can give you everything you want and need. I have money, I have fame. Baby, I know what you like. Monique can't do everything like I can.”

As she came forward, I backpedaled slowly until my heel ran into the front of my couch, causing me to fall back into the cushions.

“Why are you fighting the truth, Randy?” Tina asked, licking her lips seductively. She kneeled down in front of me and wrapped her arms around me. “You know how well we work together. How well we fit.” She put her hand over my crotch and despite my best effort to keep it from happening, massaged my manhood to life. Damn, if she didn't always have good hands.

“Jalisa's asleep in her bedroom, Tina,” I said as goose bumps rose from my skin.

Tina flashed a wicked smile. “I can be quiet, Randy. Can you?”

“You need to go,” I tried again.

“I can take good care of you, Randy,” she whispered.

“I'm already taken care of,” I said, trying to find the willpower to remain strong. Of course, Tina knew I was losing the battle.

She put her fingers to my lips. “Shhh. Let me show you how good it is. Let me give it to you like you remember it.”

Suddenly her lips were on mine, and as much as my mind told me to, I didn't pull back. I just opened my mouth and allowed her tongue to dance with my own. I can't lie; I had been horny as hell since Monique had gone. Allowing what was happening to happen was wrong, but shit, I was tired of masturbating to adult movies on Showtime.

I drove my tongue further into Tina's mouth, and slipped my hand under her sweatshirt and grabbed her breast that hadn't been confined by a bra. She moaned softly, making my manhood even harder, as I squeezed her nipples in a not-so-gentle manner. With no complaint from her, I lifted the sweatshirt and took her mounds into my mouth and ran my tongue over and around her nipples as if they had been coated with my favorite—strawberry jelly.

Tina moaned, unbuttoned my shirt halfway, ran her hand over my chest, and then undid my belt, unbuckled my jeans, and slid her hand beneath my boxers. I got chills and almost couldn't catch my breath as she stroked me slowly, expertly. Without words, she had me stand, and when I did, she slid my pants and boxers down to my ankles, and then took me into her mouth. I had to focus damn hard to keep myself from exploding as her tongue ran along my shaft and then rolled around the tip of my penis.

Damn hard.

Tina looked up at me and smiled as her mouth and hand worked in unison. I wanted to, but I couldn't look away. I was her prisoner and my release wouldn't come until I released. Goddamn, she wasn't lying when she said she knew how to put it on me. But then so did Monique.

Shit.

Monique.

“Stop!”

Tina looked up at me with my penis in her mouth and mumbled, “Excuse me?”

I reclaimed ownership of my quickly softening member and shook my head. I couldn't believe that I'd gone there with her.

Damn.

I pulled up my boxers and zipped up my pants.

Tina's face was plastered with a look of complete and utter shock, and was getting uglier by the second. “What the hell is this all about?” she snapped.

“Tina, you have to go.”

“Go? What do you mean, go? How could you say that after what just happened?”

“What just happened was a mistake. A slip in judgement.”

“A slip—” She stood up and tried to take my hand in hers, but I wouldn't allow it. “How could you say that was a mistake? What just happened was real. You know that.”

“Tina, you have to go,” I said again. “This wasn't supposed to happen, and it's not going to happen.”

Tina placed a hand on her hip, pulled her neck back a bit and stuck an index finger at me. “You think you can treat me like some two-dollar ho, get your dick sucked and then tell me to leave? I don't fucking think so!”

“You know that's not how it went down. Stop tripping, and keep your voice down. Jalisa's sleeping.”

“Stop tripping?” she said, ignoring my request. “Nigga, the only one tripping here is your ass.”

“That's right, Tina, I'm tripping. Now grab your shit and get the fuck out.” I was burning inside; pissed at myself for what I let happen.

Tina and I stared at one another for a few seconds. I was sure she was going to explode with another outburst, because rarely had I ever gone off on her like that. To my surprise, though, she chuckled a little, then grabbed her bag and stepped toward me. For a moment I thought she was going to take a swing at me with that bag, but instead, she stopped with her face inches from mine and said, “You know what, Randy? I'm not gonna
trip
anymore, because I know that you'll have me back for more. My shit is good—too good. You can only resist it for so long, and you know it. I can wait while you get your mind right.”

“My mind is just fine.”

“We'll see.”

She kissed me on my mouth and then stepped past me. I wiped my lips and followed behind her, tempted to kick her in her ass to make her leave faster. Before I opened the door, she turned around and smiled at me. “Give
our
little girl a kiss good night for me.”

I resisted the urge to say anything and just opened the door. When I did, my jaw slacked, and my mouth fell to the ground.

In the doorway stood Monique.

Tina turned around and gave me an evil smile. “Well, I can see I'm no longer needed here. Don't hesitate to call me again, Randy.” She walked past Monique, and as she did, she waved. “Damn, I need to go home and shower,” she sang, walking down the hall.

In front of me, Monique stood silent, stoic. She held the house key that she'd never returned in her hand. Damn.

“Baby, I can explain. It's not what it looks like.” But it was. As I stood there with my shirt unbuttoned and my pants unbuckled, it was exactly what it seemed to be. I kept trying, though. “Baby, I'm so glad to see you.”

She looked down to my unbuckled pants and then back up at me. “I guess you were glad to see Tina too.”

“Monique, it's not what—”

“Spare me the explanation, you ass. I came because I missed you and wanted to work everything out. But I see you've already moved on.”

“Monique, I didn't invite Tina over. She just showed up.”

“And you did your best to get her to leave.”

“Nothing happened. I swear.”

Monique looked down at my unbuckled pants again. “Nothing hap—you know what? I don't need this.”

“Nothing happened,” I said again.

“I don't give a shit if anything did or not, Randy!” she yelled. “Here.” She grabbed my hand and slammed the house key into my palm. “I don't want any damn explanations. It's past two o'clock in the fucking morning, Tina just left, and you're standing in front of me with your shirt unbuttoned and your pants undone. I think most people call that a booty call. Good-bye, Randy. Don't fucking call me anymore. Don't try to come see me anymore. As a matter of fact, don't even think about me. Just do me one favor.”

“Monique . . . please . . .”

“Tell Jalisa I said good-bye.”

Without another word, she turned and walked away. I called out to her, but she never stopped. I wanted to run after her, but decided not to. The damage was already done. I fucked up, and now I had been left with nothing but an abandoned key and my shame.