Authors: Ronica Black
“What does all this mean? My fantasies, my wanting these women to respect me and to be with me?” Erin searched Patricia’s face, a note of desperation in her voice. “This doesn’t mean I’m gay…does it?”
“No, I’m not saying that at all. Let’s not jump to conclusions here. I’m trying to get a feel for where you stand on things. If we threw you in undercover right now without exploring these feelings first, you would be in way over your head.”
Patricia considered the hand resting in her own. She knew what she had to do but she suddenly felt like she didn’t have the nerve. Or maybe she was more worried about her own reactions than Erin’s. “You’ve had these infatuations with women for quite some time, right?”
“Since I was a kid.”
Patricia turned Erin’s hand over in her own with the palm resting up. “And all this time, all those women you fantasized about, none of them ever touched you?”
“Uh, no. Well maybe a hug or something.” Erin’s eyes were large and the green had deepened a shade.
Patricia lightly stroked her palm and wrist. Erin’s reaction was immediate and evident as she took in a powerful breath and her pupils dilated, erasing most of the green. Patricia knew at once what the reaction meant, and seeing her companion so easily turned on, her own touch the cause, sent hot adrenaline surging to every nerve ending.
“What do you feel, Mac?” It came out as a raw whisper. Choking back a rush of desire, she continued the strokes up Erin’s arm. “We need to make sure you’re aware of these feelings before you go in undercover. It’s okay to feel them, but you must be aware of them so you don’t lose control.” She looked from Mac’s eyes to her rose-colored lips. They were slightly parted, beckoning her. “Because it’s so very easy to lose control when you feel desire for another woman.”
As she said it, she leaned in closer to Erin, giving in to an urge to taste the other woman and ignoring her screaming voice of reason.
Erin didn’t speak. She couldn’t. She closed her eyes and instinctively awaited the feel of Patricia’s lips. Most of her blood supply was not in her head; instead her pounding heart was quickly pumping it to her awakening groin. She felt completely out of control and yet she had never felt so alive, so awake, and so driven. She heard the noise from the garage but didn’t register it right away. Her eyes flew open as the noise stopped, and she bolted off the couch when she realized it was the garage door. Patricia jumped up after her, looking mortified.
“It’s my husband.” Erin said.
Both women gazed as a door opened and a man in an expensive suit walked in, acting as if he still lived there.
“Hi.” Mark set down his briefcase.
“What are you doing here?” Erin didn’t hide her disappointment. Why did he have to come over tonight of all nights?
Mark gave her a puzzled look. Erin knew her reaction probably came as a shock to him. He was not used to seeing any emotion at all from her these days.
With practiced poise, he smoothed down his tie and put on his best smile. “Hello, I’m Mark McKenzie.” He moved toward Patricia and extended his hand.
As they exchanged greetings, Erin wondered what Patricia would think of her now that she’d met the man she’d married. Would she see past Mark’s immaculate tailoring and expensive shoes? Erin took in his pale skin, the way his brown hair was graying in an unfavorable pattern. His trimmed goatee sat crooked, flanking his mouth, too much growth on the right side causing his face to look unbalanced. He definitely tried to exude perfection but he was far from it. Mark had more than a few skeletons in his closet.
She rubbed her face nervously, certain the incredible surge of emotion and desire she had just experienced was written all over her. Irrationally, Patricia’s comments about infatuation and fantasies kept playing in her mind. She stole a covert sideways look at her colleague. She was not just incredibly attractive physically, but emotionally as well. Just the kind of woman who could easily become her next fantasy.
Erin’s heart rate picked up and she felt her face flush. She was drawn to Patricia. She wondered if it was because she now knew Patricia was a lesbian. The thought excited her, but it seemed crazy at the same time. She wasn’t sure what was happening, only that her body cried out for Patricia’s touch. Did this mean she was attracted to women? If she was, that meant sex, and sex meant she was a lesbian. No way.
She cleared her throat. “Mark, this is Detective Henderson, we’re working a case together.”
“I see. Well, I won’t keep you, then.” He scratched a pink spot just above his eyebrow. One cheek also had some redness to it.
Her thoughts went to his other numerous imperfections, and she realized just how long she hadn’t noticed or cared. She moved with him as he took off his jacket and headed toward the other wing of the house. “What are you doing here, Mark?”
He looked over his shoulder and motioned for her to keep her voice down. A guest should never overhear their bickering. “I’m flying out for Austin first thing tomorrow morning and I needed to get some more of my stuff.”
Since moving out, he’d been back frequently for various belongings. Erin wished he would just pack up his stuff and get the movers to come take it all. “Oh, another meeting?” She raised her eyebrows. She allowed him to have his fun without interfering and now she wanted to have hers.
“Yes, several in fact. What’s with the attitude?”
The doorbell rang and she bit back her response.
Mark waited as she paid the delivery man for the pizza, then said, “I’ll be out of town for while. We should talk when I get back.”
Erin chewed on her lower lip, trying very hard to bite back the cynicism that so badly wanted to prevail. “Sure. Have a good trip.” She gave him a plastic smile and carried the pizza into the living room. After locating some plates, she fished out a steaming slice for her visitor.
Patricia could tell from Erin’s erratic movements and strained expression that she was definitely not pleased. “Is this a bad time?” she asked.
Erin shook her head emphatically. “No. It’s fine. I just wasn’t expecting him.”
Patricia accepted a plate and sat back down slowly, willing the wheels in her brain to start turning once again. She knew Erin was married, even if they were newly separated. But in those two minutes of wild desire she had completely erased this fact from her mind. What was going on with her? She had been attracted to plenty of women, but usually not so quickly and powerfully. She had just come dangerously close to jeopardizing her job with this junior detective, behavior very out of character for her.
They chewed in silence for a while and she slowly started to feel better with the food in her stomach. She tried hard not to look at Erin’s mouth as she ate. Its every movement stirred up the animalistic feelings of wanton desire that hadn’t surfaced for years. She felt like a teenage boy sitting next to his first crush.
“Erin, I need to apologize to you for my behavior earlier. I…uh…went beyond what is professional.”
That was an understatement. She flushed as she thought about what had almost happened, still perplexed over her loss of control. Erin was young and beautiful and passionate, she rationalized. And…innocent. Characteristics she had yet to find in a woman. She could still feel Erin’s instant response to her touch, her startled awakening.
Erin took their plates and set them on the coffee table. “You mean what almost happened? The kiss?”
“Yes, I shouldn’t have gone so far.” Patricia looked helplessly down at her hands.
Erin sat closer to her on the couch. “I didn’t mind,” she said softly, then in a rush, confessed, “I liked it. I felt—”
“You don’t know what you felt, Mac,” she cut in. “This is all very new to you and it’s too soon to draw any conclusions.” She swallowed the lump in her throat and willed herself to think rationally.
The situation was just as she’d feared. Erin McKenzie was not ready for this assignment for countless reasons. She was incredibly naïve in terms of her self-awareness and her feelings for women, a potentially dangerous combination when interacting with someone like Elizabeth Adams. How could they ever send her in like this? Patricia had to try and explain the risks.
Even now, Erin was objecting. “Look, this isn’t the first time I’ve had to pretend to be someone I’m not.” Her eyes blazed with resentment. “I didn’t succeed undercover by being stupid. I had to convince some pretty evil and disgusting men that I was hot for them.”
“This is quite different, Erin. It’s so much more intense and raw and emotional with a woman. You have to be ready for that.”
And you have no idea what you are getting into. Look at the way you responded to just my touch.
“What makes you think I’m not?” Erin challenged. “You think I’m going to blow it if Adams comes on to me?”
“No,” Patricia heard the frustration seeping into her voice. Somehow she had to make Erin understand that it wasn’t her professional competence that was in question. “I just don’t want you to get in over your head. Imagine being undercover and being attracted to a woman kissing you. Could you handle it? Could you ignore your feelings?”
“I guess there’s only one way to find out.” Erin’s voice softened to a seductive pitch. “Kiss me.”
Patricia burned with raw desire. She yearned to take hold of Erin and show her what making love truly meant. But that was two years of celibacy talking. “I should probably go for tonight,” she said hoarsely. “We both need to cool our heads and gain new perspective before we do something rash.”
“I’m sorry, I’m just not thinking very clearly right now,” Erin said. “I hope I didn’t offend you.”
Patricia took her hands and they stood facing one another. Her chest felt heavy, and with every inhalation she could feel Erin’s breath mixing with her own. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I understand more than you know.”
She placed a gentle kiss on Erin’s lips. The warmth from the kiss spread quickly through her limbs and she instantly craved more. Her body screamed in defiance as she forced herself to withdraw.
“I’m going now. You have a lot to think about.” She glanced down the hall to where Mark had disappeared. “Maybe you should talk to your husband about your feelings.” She knew they weren’t together, but maybe they were still friends. Erin could sure use a kind ear right now.
“Yeah right. It won’t be happening. We’re in the process of divorce.” Erin looked distraught and even annoyed at the thought. “He lives his own life and I live mine. That didn’t just happen when he moved out.”
Patricia looked at the beautiful woman before her and thought what a shame, what a waste of an incredible woman. “I’m sorry,” she said softly. “You deserve better.”
“We’re finally ready to divorce. I think maybe I’ve just been waiting for my own reason to do so.”
“I hope you found your reason, Mac. You deserve happiness.”
Erin did not reply and they walked in silence to the door, those moments of raw emotion they’d shared earlier still tangible between them.
“You’re getting your haircut tomorrow, aren’t you?” She asked as Erin opened the front door. Elizabeth Adams liked short hair. Patricia was anxious to see what Erin would look like.
“Yeah, I’ll be in after my appointment to go over more information with you.”
“Please think about what we discussed, and review the files I brought for you. They’ll be your best weapon in dealing with Adams.”
“I will, thanks.” Erin did not meet her eyes. “Good night.”
“Night.” Patricia gave a sincere smile and headed out into the warm desert night.
By the time Erin reached the Saguaro Park Police Station, she had already somewhat adjusted to her new look. Her hair felt sporty and she welcomed the newfound freedom in the messy spikes, now lightened to a dirty blond. She was conscious of a fresh confidence and thought maybe she would be able to handle this case after all. While she usually felt completely self-assured on undercover assignments, this one made her unsure and wary. In narcotics, she’d typically played hard-to-get for some low-life, which meant she had to pretend to be interested and simpleminded in order to secure his trust. It had been easy to zone out and act dumb; the men were so easily turned on and overly confident, allowing her to remain detached and focused on her job.
The new assignment was a different story, especially after last night. She knew she couldn’t ignore the feelings that had surfaced with Patricia Henderson. After the detective had left, she’d been too keyed up to sleep, so instead she’d stayed up reading the Adams files. The team had done an excellent job of surveillance, gathering personal details that must’ve taken months of work.
According to their observations, Elizabeth Adams had a preference for athletic-looking women with short hair, mostly blondes, but she was known to stray to brunettes every so often. She didn’t have steady girlfriends, but rather a steady slew of women from whom she could choose at any given time. Erin’s task was to be chosen by the nightclub owner, preferably on more than one occasion. She wondered what she would have to do to make that happen. Her stomach burned with anxiety at the thought, and she understood why Patricia had pushed her so hard.
This was not the same as batting your eyes at a man.
She stood before her sergeant’s door and took a deep breath. She had to convince him that she was ready for this assignment. How was she going to do that when she had yet to convince herself? She knocked quickly and entered when she heard him call.