Inconvenient Murder: An Inept Witches Mystery (18 page)

Emily tossed Ingrid a relieved look before she added, “Or could I imagine him sleeping with a teenager? Oh, okay, probably I should consider that a red flag. So Gabe says this is his work phone and then asks if you’re driving.”

“What?” Ingrid scowled at Emily and then said, “Send him a picture of your goth feet.”

“No, that’s super weird.”

Ingrid thought for a moment before she nodded and said, “You’re probably right. Well, tell him that yes, I’m driving, so he’ll get that scowly face and I can imagine it. And then send him this.” She held up her hand with her middle finger extended.

“Perfect,” Emily said. She took the picture and then Ingrid sped up her car until it was going 125 and took a picture of the odometer and sent that as well.

Emily lifted the phone as it buzzed Gabe’s reply. “It’s a lecture. There are some curse words.”

“Don’t read it. Tell him we’ll have to get back to him as we’re doing some breaking and entering for our investigation.”

Emily cackled as she sent the reply.

They left the phone in the car as they pulled into the driveway of Autumn’s house. “So where do you think they keep the truth potion?” Emily asked as they looked at the Queen Anne house with the wrap-around porch. “Do you think we should have parked somewhere else?”

“Nah,” Ingrid waved off the concern and added, “Well, I keep my potions in the medicine cabinet.”

“Me, too, so probably not there,” Emily said as they walked up to the door. “Do you know any lock spells?”’

“Yes!” Ingrid raised a fist in the air and then did a shimmy dance. “I learned one in college when I was haunting my neighbors across the hall.”

Emily’s laughter left her bent over her legs. “I forgot about that. My favorite was the bloody messages on the mirror.”

“What did I do again?” Ingrid tapped her lips as she stared at the door.

“Wasn’t there a knock?”

“I’m thinking that wasn’t part of the spell. That was just me screwing with them in case they were there.”

“Oh, yeah,”

“Hey, this is Sage Island. Do you lock your doors?”

Emily nodded her head.

“Yeah, but you lived in Seattle.” Ingrid shrugged and reached out. The door was unlocked.

“Perfect, ‘cause there was no way you were remembering that spell,” Emily said. “Like Aunt Hazel said, we’re super-the-worst witches.”

“You’re super-the-worst.” Ingrid said. “I’m almost-the-worst, but I escape the worst because I totally know how to poison someone with belladonna,” Ingrid said as they walked inside, picking up the mail from the table by the front door as they passed it and flipping through the letters. She tossed them the stack down on the kitchen counter.

“Think you should put it back where you found it? Also, anyone can kill someone with belladonna.”

“No,” Ingrid scoffed. “They’re going to know we were here, do a spell, and then complain to the coven. It’s not like we’re hiding anything. We’re just taking the truth potion since she wouldn’t give it to us. Also, really? Anyone can kill with belladonna?”

“Yes,” Emily mocked, opening the fridge and taking out a diet coke. “The serum is not in here. But they do have some good wine.”

Ingrid’s brows rose and then she crossed to the fridge and poured herself a glass to sip as they wandered through the house.

“Do you think that Autumn will hex us with the coven rules to protect us?”

Ingrid handed Emily the glass to take a sip.

“Probably. That is some good wine. They were most likely saving it for something,” Ingrid said. “I’m bored. Their house is actually clean everywhere. Who lives like this? Why don’t they have dirty laundry in the hallway? They’re making me feel like a slob. I’m hiring a maid right away.”

Emily pointed up at an attic door with a string hanging down to pull open the stairs. She said as she pulled the string, “Feels right. Feels creepy and like I’m a witch in hiding and gotta keep my spells secret.”

“Oh, yeah,” Ingrid nodded. “You go get it. She’s the type who labels her spells and keeps them alphabetically. I’m going to refill the wine.”

Emily went up for the potion as Ingrid opened the doors to all the rooms. Even the kids’ rooms were neat.

“Weird,” she said as she passed and then made her way down the kitchen where she filled up the gas and dropped a $50.00 dollar bill on the counter. She wondered what a truth spell went for and then added a $100.00.

“You think that the cash will keep her from hexing us?” Emily asked as she entered the kitchen. “I took five. She has so many I think she really must dose her kids.”

“Creepy. Gabe’s here. The cop lights are flashing and everything. I think we might get arrested.”

“Oooh,” Emily said as Ingrid put a truth serum in between her breasts. “Kinky.”

“You should probably actually hide the other ones better.” Ingrid said, glancing at the vials Emily still held.

When they left the house, Gabe was leaning against his car. His face was set with two red circles on his cheekbones. Ingrid was pretty sure those were the rings of fury.

“How’d you find me?” Ingrid asked, obviously adjusting the serum between her breasts.

“I’m a cop, remember?” He held out a hand. She shook her head slowly and grinned at him.

“I am not amused,” he said as she walked up to him, wrapped her arms around his waist and looked up at him through her lashes. She slowly blinked them at him once and then twice.

“I probably shouldn’t tell you that I drank her wine then, huh?” She pressed up on her tiptoes and ran her teeth along his jaw. “Don’t you want to search me?” she asked as Emily got into the SUV and tossed the other serums casually beneath the passenger seat. He hadn’t even notice her sneaking them out of her back pockets.

“Hey, clean it up out there,” Emily said. “There are kids coming up the street and some of us are unfortunately celibate.”

“I’m celibate,” Ingrid pouted as she walked toward the SUV.

Gabe grabbed her wrist and took her keys. He pulled her back against him and fished out the bottle from between her breasts. “Is this poison?”

“It’s labeled, silly,” Ingrid said. “I told you we decided to solve this case ourselves. Or we’ll have to hire a coven to get Emily off, and honestly, that’s some dark magic and a bunny might get sacrificed. I’m not sure I want bunnies everywhere to hate me. So we need to save the bunnies and figure this out. Also that’s truth serum. You remember it.”

“I am figuring this out,” Gabe said. His jaw was ticking.

She looked up at him over her shoulder. The red circles of anger had not faded at all. He might be serious. He might be actually mad at her.

Ingrid turned around and pressed her face against his chest as she said, “It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s just that I don’t trust the system.”

“You mean you have no faith in my ability to find the real killer.”

“Well, I like that you say real killer.”

“Please, Emily would have a done a much worse job killing that dickhead than whoever did this,” Gabe said. His words were clipped, and he had not relaxed into her hug at all.

He was mad at her. She grinned into his chest before forcing a serious expression to look up at him.

“Oooh,” Ingrid said to Emily. “I’m pretty sure that he’s insulting us both. Since I would have helped you.” She turned back to Gabe and said, “I graduated at the top of my class. Emily did, too.”

“Right.”

“He doesn’t believe you,” Emily said. “You’ve spent too long being willfully lazy. Now you’ll never be anything else but the spoiled housewife and widow.”

“Hey, I wasn’t that spoiled. I had to deal with the evil step-children and make Hungarian mushroom soup. I only like mushrooms on pepperoni pizza.”

“You stole truth serum?” Gabe asked.

“We’re totally going to get hexed for it, too,” Emily said. “Aunt Hazel will only fix it after she thinks we’ve learned our lesson.”

Ingrid sighed dramatically. “Especially since we left the naked witch-fest in the woods early. That was creeptastic. It was boobs everywhere. I will never be able to look at one of them without picturing their boobs. Also, Hazel better not be too mean, or I’m going to be vicious for her birthday present.”

“Wait, what?” Gabe’s head almost bounced between Ingrid and Emily as they spoke.

“You think we’ll get acne?”

“Nah, that’s a spell I can actually fix,” Ingrid said. “I can get rid of acne, make my liquid liner perfect, make my high heels comfortable and set things on fire. And coffee. I can do coffee.”

“You don’t think she’ll go facial hair, do you? Or boob hair? ‘Cause that would be the worst.”

“Oh, yeah,” Ingrid nodded, “that’s a good one. The karma backlash is pretty minor, I bet. That’s a real possibility.”

“Or we’ll trip for days on end,” Emily added, twisting her lips. “Maybe we should let Gabe do his whole sheriff thing and just find a soap opera to binge watch. They still make those, right?”

“I only watch Spanish soaps,” Ingrid said. “From the 90s, on YouTube. I don’t want bunnies to die, Em. Think of the bunnies.”

Gabe snorted as Ingrid wailed the last word but he still hadn’t twisted out of her hug, so she didn’t take his anger too seriously. “So you’re saying that Autumn is going to enact her own justice?”

Ingrid and Emily nodded at once.

“Sometimes,” Ingrid said, “you gotta take one for the team, know you’ll get hexed, and just try to get your crap done before it hits.”

“I am going to solve this crime,” he repeated.

Ingrid patted his cheek and said, “I know. Want to have sushi tonight?”

He sighed as he walked back to his car, where he paused and said, “Were you really drinking?”

“Yup,” Ingrid said. “But I can do the spell for busting my buzz, too. I keep a potion on my keychain for it.”

“Take it now,” Gabe demanded and watched Ingrid sigh, open a small vial on her keychain and pop a tiny round pink ball into her mouth.

“Kill joy,” she said as he made her breathe into a breathalyzer. When she came up clear, she said, “I would have taken it regardless. Drinking and driving is almost as douchey as getting murdered in someone’s basement.”

•

Wednesday Late Morning

Ingrid and Emily knocked on the gallery guy’s door carrying a tray of doctored coffees. They debated for long minutes before deciding to dose them all. Ingrid was already looking forward to the post-serum nap.

“What do you want?” Doug demanded as he opened the door.

“Here,” Emily said, handing him a coffee and saying, “Can we come in? Maybe we’re here to think about giving you your deposit back.”

Ingrid eyed her, saw the coffee in her hand, and realized her friend had already had some. With a shrug she took a sip of her own coffee and decided to go ahead and get down to business.

Emily and Ingrid watched in satisfaction as Doug downed the espresso.

“You two are nothing but trouble,” Doug said.

“Yup,” Ingrid and Emily said in unison. “We really are.”

“And plan to continue to be,” Emily added. “It’s for the best you’re moving since we drive you crazy.”

“Plus you’re super creepy,” Ingrid added, the truth serum hitting hard.

“What do you want?” he asked again. He looked at the coffee and then took a drink.

“Where were you the night of the murder?” Ingrid asked baldly. “We know that you were here that night. Someone saw you. What were you doing?”

“Reading my daughter’s journal,” he growled.

His eyes narrowed on them as Emily said, “Ooooh, douchey.”

“For sure,” Ingrid agreed. “It’s that whole creepy dove vibe he has. So you didn’t kill that dickhead, Owen?” She almost whined the last sentence. She really, really wanted it to be whatever this guy’s name was. He was leaving anyway. It would suck if whoever killed dickhead ended up being someone she liked. Or someone who was cleverer than Gabe.

“I thought you two did.”

“I have an alibi,” Ingrid said, “And I would have stabbed him. Probably in the throat. Maybe in the guts. But I definitely would have twisted the knife.” She took another sip of her coffee and truth serum.

“Yep,” Emily said. “I think I’d have run him down if I were super mad. Or probably pushed him out a window if I could get him high enough. Which wouldn’t have been hard since I’d just have to promise to sleep with him on a random roof. He was a real whore.”

“He was,” Ingrid said. “You should get your kid checked for diseases. Dickhead was passing some around. Like a lot. He was a real one-man epidemic.”

“So you were my favorite guess for who killed him,” Emily whined.

“Since you’re a super creepy dove,” Ingrid added, nodding vigorously. The two of them glanced at each other and made a sad face. “Though I do feel sad for your kid. She’s making bad life choices, that’s for sure. But I’m not sure anyone deserves you. You know?”

“Oh, hey,” Emily said. “Do you think you could be out by tomorrow? We’ll refund your deposit if you go away.”