Indiscretion (41 page)

Suddenly, innumerable sensations were assailing her, confusing her, so it was impossible to distinguish between them. Was it tiredness, passion, lust, anxiety, sadness or shame? Alexandra's throat constricted and her eyes stung. Closing them tightly, she tried to suppress the hot tears that threatened to spill over.

All at once Salvador was next to her, pressing her fervently against him. Through the thin linen of his shirt she could feel the wild thundering of his heart, that secret heart that hid its own truths and rejected her. He looked at her and his eyes seemed to hold myriad emotions, fighting one another for supremacy. Whatever iron control he usually exerted was palpably crumbling, as she too lost her resolve, falling into the hunger of his gaze.

‘Alexandra,' his voice was husky as he whispered her name, searching urgently for her lips. His mouth closed over hers, his kiss fierce and so demanding it took her breath away. Her lips parted to the commanding thrust of his tongue, and she responded eagerly to the familiar taste of him, raising her arms around his neck, pressing her body sensually against his hard, masculine arousal, urging him not to stop. She moaned softly with pleasure, welcoming the fiery response to his touch, deep between her thighs.

She knew now, without doubt, that he wanted her as badly as she wanted him. It would have been so easy to let him make love to her there and then, under the willow trees, to give in to this storm of feelings that threatened to carry them both away to the point of no return. At that moment Alexandra no longer cared about what was right or wrong; she only knew that this all-consuming flame of passion was tearing them both apart.

Yet already Salvador was regaining control. He broke off from the kiss, his chest rising and falling fast, and brushed the top of her head with his lips. After breathing in the fresh, clean fragrance of her hair, he tore himself away, as if the very scent of her threatened to send his senses off on a new wild escapade. Gently, but resolutely, he stepped back a few paces, leaving her breathless and still trembling with insatiate desire.

He saw the look in her eye. ‘No,' he said in a soft voice, controlled now, and devoid of emotion. ‘This is wrong and unfair,
querida
. I mustn't deceive myself or you. I can't make promises, I can offer you nothing at the moment. It was callous and quite inexcusable of me to take advantage of you again. Please forgive me. You are—'

‘There's nothing to apologize for,' Alexandra cut in. ‘I wanted it just as much as you did.' She stared at him in disbelief, not understanding how he could suddenly distance himself from her, when she herself was unable to control this agonizing passion they shared.

He grimaced and ran his fingers through his hair. ‘It's no use, you must leave El Pavón,' he said in a clipped voice, permitting no discussion. ‘I've no right to drag you through this turmoil of scandal and vengeance. I'm a stigmatized man, we'd be tempting fate. You know nothing of
la venganza de Calés
. In linking your life with mine I'd be tarring you with the same brush, even putting your life in danger, and I'm too much … I feel too much affection for you to be so irresponsible.'

‘And this is truly why you want me to leave? Why you think we can't be together?' Relief, hope and exasperation tumbled together inside Alexandra. Salvador had never put it like this before, making himself directly the author of what might happen to her. In his mind, Paquita's warnings to each of them in Seville were bound together. He was trying to stop her sealing her fate with his.

‘Salvador,' she said, walking up to him and placing a hand on his arm. ‘You know that I'm not bothered about what people think, or any superstitious nonsense about gypsy curses.' Alexandra tried not to think about the threatening images of the wake at the gypsy camp or the dark forebodings of wild-eyed old Paquita.

He shook his head, unconvinced. ‘I could never forgive myself if some harm came to you.'

Was he telling her that the paradise she had glimpsed whenever she was in his arms was a forever forbidden land to her? She could not, and would not, accept such defeatism.

‘Then let's go away together, at least for a while, until your doubts and fears have died down. We could go to England, we could stay with Aunt Geraldine. Once I explain things to her, I'm sure she'll welcome you at Grantley Hall.' Alexandra spoke quickly, urgently, her voice pleading, hoping against hope to break through the wall that Salvador was once again putting up between them.

He gave a bitter smile, shaking his head slowly. ‘How naïve you are,
niña
.'

‘
No
!' she burst out. The forceful tone in her voice commanded his attention, compelling him to look at her. For a few seconds Salvador stared at Alexandra, as if seeing her for the first time. ‘I'm not naïve, neither am I a little girl,' she cried out indignantly and stepped back from him. ‘In case you haven't noticed, Salvador, I'm a woman. A woman who loves you …' She saw his expression suddenly freeze with a watchful intensity. ‘… Yes, loves you. Fighting against your stubbornness, your arrogance, and the figments of your twisted imagination.

‘Since day one, I've put up with your cat-and-mouse games. You've done nothing but play on my emotions, unable to untangle your own and decide what you truly want. Our destinies are not dictated by superstition or the whim of others, we control them. You're so fond of proverbs … well, I read one just the other day that suits you admirably:
Fatalism is the lazy man's way of accepting the inevitable
.'

Salvador tensed, looking for a moment as though she'd slapped him, and then he stared at her, lost for words. A slight furrow formed between his brows, his pale face grew otherwise expressionless, and Alexandra was aware of the old gulf widening again between them.

‘You know nothing of our country,' he said, a cold formality in his tone, ‘nothing of its traditions and tribal customs. You're ignorant of the dangers that threaten those who don't conform to them, who disobey their rules or, worse still, people like you who arrogantly make fun of them.' He spoke without looking at her.

‘What of your own sister, Salvador? Esmeralda left,' Alexandra countered defensively. ‘She didn't care much for your traditions either.'

He lit another cigarette, drew in deeply and slowly exhaled before continuing in a colourless voice. ‘Esmeralda's case is quite different.'

‘On the contrary,' argued Alexandra, moving back to the tree trunk and twisting off a spindly branch in her hand, ‘Esmeralda is a woman, and people here are forever telling me that a woman
in Spain is not the mistress of her own life: she goes straight from her father's house to her husband's, without having any say in the matter.'

Faced with Alexandra's obstinacy in refusing to accept what to him was so obvious, Salvador's features grew tense. ‘Nowadays that's becoming less so.'

‘Clearly, Esmeralda decided there are more important things in life than what society tells her she can do as a woman.'

Salvador made a casual gesture with his hand. ‘With Esmeralda, it was more a case of her will coming up against my aunt's. Personally, I have nothing against the young man she's chosen. He's not an aristocrat, but he comes from an honest, middle-class background and will be able to give her a good life.'

Alexandra shredded a leaf between her fingers. ‘Esmeralda thought you would disapprove.'

‘Had I known about it, I would never have opposed their marriage. Quite the reverse, actually. I care deeply for my sister and wish for her to be happy. I'm sure that she didn't act on impulse. She did what she thought was right, and though some would perhaps criticize her conduct, I'd be the last to reproach her for it. In her place, perhaps I would have done the same. Who can say?'

‘So, in her place you would have followed your heart, Salvador? You would have broken the rules too, is that what you're saying?' Alexandra was being deliberately provocative, but Salvador chose to ignore the challenge.

‘You seem to be unaware that, in some cases, people are led by more than heartstrings alone,' he noted, a steely glint in his eyes.

‘Yes, they are led by their own free will. I have a will of my own and I've been taught to think for myself. I don't need the sort of protection Spanish women seem to accept without question. I've not been shielded from the world to be handed over to a man before I have a chance to discover what life is all about. Why should a man be seen to have better judgement than a woman?'

‘Men are logical.'

‘And women are not?'

‘Women are emotional.'

‘And men are not?' Alexandra was in full flow and she could feel the heat rising in her cheeks. ‘How would you describe your little scene yesterday? Where was the logic there?'

‘A Spanish woman would have been flattered to have her honour defended by a man.' Salvador spoke in a controlled voice, though his eyes held a threatening glimmer.

‘I'm not Spanish. I'm English and in England—'

‘You are half Spanish,
niña
, and maybe our customs are different from those of England but while you're at El Pavón you'd be wise to respect them.'

Salvador's voice held a dangerous note, but Alexandra had bitten her tongue since they had first met and now she was on a rollercoaster of belligerence and self-defence.

‘Obey your customs, which have neither rhyme nor reason?'

Salvador sighed. ‘If you wish to put it that way.'

‘I would call that tyranny, and it went out of fashion in civilized countries a long time ago.' ‘You are one argumentative woman.' ‘Why, because I question? Because I don't spend my time flattering
you and massaging your ego?' She pulled another leaf off the stick sharply. ‘What you're telling me is that you like your women to be submissive.'

‘No,
niña
, I am not,' Salvador said calmly, as though Alexandra were a cornered animal he was trying to pacify. ‘You would actually find it easier on yourself if you tried to fit in with our ways. Haven't the burning embers of a fire more warmth than the flaming blaze that is burnt out too soon by its own intensity?' Salvador's silvery gaze was steady.

‘Oh,
please
… don't hide behind metaphors and clever words.'

‘I'm not hiding, Alexandra. Merely trying to explain to you why I sometimes find your impulsive behaviour disturbing. It can be dangerous too. You just don't understand, do you?' he said softly, in a
way that sent shivers down her spine. ‘You're a very beautiful woman … whether or not you realize the effect you have on men, I'm not sure, but I know that around you, a man becomes aware of primitive instincts that have nothing to do with the way he's been brought up, or his station in life.
Niña
, it's all too easy for a woman, however worldly and sophisticated she might think she is, to walk recklessly into a situation beyond her control.'

The edge to his words seemed to cut away Alexandra's defences. Perhaps Salvador had a point. Wasn't that exactly what had happened with Don Felipe the day before? Despite this, she refused to allow him to sidetrack her into submission and instead steered the argument away from herself.

‘And yet you don't think that Esmeralda is being a reckless, emotional woman in running away with her lover? She did what she thought was right, you said so yourself. She acted on her logic, which still led her to flout tradition and the rules of her family.'

‘As I said, Alexandra, Esmeralda's case is different,' Salvador answered impatiently. ‘Yes, she went against the wishes of the
Duquesa
. Your grandmother belongs to other times, another age. In her day, young girls stayed with their families and waited obediently for their suitors. It would never have crossed their minds to dispute their father's authority or even cast doubt on it. It is on the strength of such traditions that the great dynasties were founded.' He inhaled on his cigarette.

‘And it is precisely because modern norms of behaviour are not so rigid as before that today we're witnessing the disappearance of the great families. A castle can't be built on sand. It's because we're living in these changed times, and ironically
because
Esmeralda is a woman, that she can turn her back on everything and leave.' He looked at her flatly.

‘In my case, the situation is totally different: I am a man, I have responsibilities that hold me here, and as a man of honour, I must face up to them.'

Fury raged through Alexandra. There was no point in arguing with Salvador any more. He made everything sound so final. She threw
the stick to the ground and tossed her head back dismissively, refusing to acknowledge any sense in what seemed to her a lame explanation.

‘
Honour
? You're just a miserable hypocrite hiding a carnal passion for a gypsy girl beneath a tissue of excuses and lies!' she blurted out, storms blazing in her green, accusing eyes. She realized too late the significance of her words and wished she could swallow them back.

‘The way I feel about Marujita is entirely my affair and not anyone else's,' he answered coldly. ‘I meant everything I said, though I can't stop you from interpreting it any way you choose.' He met her recriminatory gaze without flinching. ‘However, if that's what you think of me,' he went on, his voice now flat and toneless, ‘then I fear you lack the sort of sensitivity I had thought you capable of.'

‘Very well, Salvador, I will do exactly what you want, what you've always wanted. I'll leave,' Alexandra declared, doing her best to stop her hands from shaking. She hated the way he was making her feel, and was so desperate to regain her sense of balance, but she couldn't think straight. He always seemed to be one step ahead of her and now she wanted to lash out and show him that she wouldn't be beaten.