INFECtIOUS (26 page)

This devotion
book is one of my favorites, written as though God is speaking directly to me.
Today's date, January 20th, reads:

Approach this day with awareness of who is
Boss.

As you make plans for the day, remember that it is I

who
orchestrates the events of your life. On days

when
things go smoothly, according to your plans,

you
may be unaware of My sovereign Presence.

On days when your plans are thwarted, be on the

lookout
for Me! I may be doing something important

in
your life, something quite different from what you

expected
.
It is essential at such times to stay in

communication
with Me, accepting My way as

better
than yours. Don't try to figure out what is

happening
.
Simply trust
Me
and thank Me in

advance
for the good that will come out of it all. I

know
the plans I have for you, and they are good.

Isaiah 55:9-11;
Jeremiah 29:11

I told you, He
does this all the time. It's as though this little book was written just for
me, just for this day in my life. He might not be making things easy for me,
but I know He loves me. He's promising me, always promising me, that it's going
to be ok. I don't need to make plans for myself, He has already made them. I
cry at the thought that He might still take Aunty. Like the book says,
sometimes He doesn't work the way we want. The verse at the end, Jeremiah
29:11, is every teenager's favorite verse. Looking forward to the future,
wondering what you'll become, who you'll be, it's a promise you want to wrap
your arms and legs around and refuse to let go of. Even when it feels like it
couldn't be true:
 

'For I know the plans that I have for you, declares The Lord,
plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a
hope.'
 

Aunty Gets Her Way

I made homemade
potato soup for lunch.
Aunty's
recipe.
After feeding everyone else and asking Jack to keep
an eye on Rosa, I'm in the kitchen cleaning up. Soup wasn't the best choice for
Rosa's second meal in civilization. She's going to need another swim in the tub
at some point.

After getting
the kitchen almost as nice as Aunty keeps it, I finally get a chance to bring a
tray of food to
Aunty's
room. She is unresponsive.
After several minutes of trying to rouse her, I dissolve into tears. I won't
disobey twice today, so I ask Ben to go across the street for the doctor.

I'm sitting on
her bed when Dr. Markowitz arrives a few minutes later. His tall muscular frame
fills her doorway and worry is written in the age lines on his square face. An
attractive man for his age, he's always been singularly focused on caring for
the people of our town and uninterested in replacing his late wife.

"Not
good," he says after checking her pulse and her heart with the stethoscope
that is always around his neck. "It's happening faster than I thought it
would."

"What does
that mean?" I ask through small sobs.

"I'm sorry
Ivy," he says it with genuine heartbreak on his face. He and Aunty were
good friends. This is hard for him too. He comes around to where I'm sitting on
the bed and gives me a half hug. "Colleen told me the details of what's
going on and I promised her I would keep you safe. We'd like you to
come
stay with us."

We.

He means Tim. Of
course Tim would like that.

Then, like fire
from heaven, it hits me. Aunty has had her own solution planned for me. Her
persistent efforts to make me interested in Tim—she was trying to set me up
with him. And not just on a date. She was hoping to be around long enough to
see me married to him. Safe with people she trusted. Aunty admires Dr.
Markowitz and she wanted to see me become part of his family. Aunty gets her
wish after all, even if it's not my choice. It's just as bad as being married
to Tim if I have to live there. I don't answer my Aunt's friend. I just
cry
harder.

"It might
be another week of this, it's hard to tell. She might not last the night. I
don't have the right equipment to make a real diagnosis. If I had it, maybe I
could've done something earlier. I'm so sorry, Ivy."

She would want
me to tell him it's not his fault. I force myself to say it.
For
her sake.

"I know you
did everything you could. Aunty always said, 'All you can
do,
is all you can do. And all you can do is enough.'"

He smiles a
little and says, "That does sound like her."

I glance at
Aunty and she wears a peaceful smile in her sleep. I wonder if she can hear
us?
I'll talk to her when the Doctor leaves. I'd love to
think she could hear me tell her what's on my heart.
Before
she goes.

It isn't looking
like God will answer my prayer the way I wanted. The Living always
say
'If God doesn't heal here on earth, He gives perfect
healing in Heaven.' I know it's awesome of Him to do that, to have a place for
us with Him when we leave here.
A place with no more tears
and no more pain and no more death.
But it's really only nice for the
person who gets to go. The ones left behind still hurt. I know it's better than
the alternative. I know for sure I'll follow shortly behind her and we'll be
together again. But, right now, I'm heartbroken.

"Catheter
or bedpan?"
Dr. Markowitz asks.

"Oh.
Uh.
How does the catheter work?"

After a short
explanation on how to change a catheter bag, I choose that over the bed pan.
Aunty will be horrified.
If she wakes up again.
I
leave the room while he puts in the catheter. I couldn't stand the indignity of
watching. Aunty was always so dignified, such a lady. Watching her decline is
as hard as the thought of losing her.

Dr. Markowitz
calls me back in the room and says, "I'm going to send Tim over to sit
with you. There's little I can do right now and there are others who need me
today. Tim can do most everything I could in this situation."

I want to argue,
but I know he's probably right. I don't want to be alone if she starts
struggling for breath. And I don't want her to be alone, but I'll have to leave
occasionally to care for our guests. I guess normal people would call in
someone to help with the Inn. But I don't want anyone else in our home. It's
Aunty's
kitchen.

Tim arrives only
a few minutes after his dad left. I didn't hear the bell ring and I assume one
of the missionaries must have let him in. He found his way to
Aunty's
room where I've been sitting alone with her, trying
to talk to her and not sure what to say. He has a small bag with him. I guess
they had planned for this. He was packed and ready to come.

He looks with
concern into my dull face and asks in a whisper, "Do you have a room for
me to sleep in?"

I didn't realize
he'd be living here around the clock until
it
happened.

"Yeah."

 
I walk him down the hall to room number 5.
It's a smaller room, down the back hallway that attaches to the back staircase.
Directly above my room downstairs.
I show him the back
staircase that we don't normally give guests access to.

Aunty's
room needs a little rearranging if we are going to be sitting in
there around the clock. I have no idea how long this vigil might last. I haul
two chairs in and open the shades on the windows. It's already very clean in
here, of course. But, despite how immaculate Aunty keeps her private space,
there is still an
unmistakeable
sick smell. It's too
cold to open a window for fresh air so I bring in a few candles and light them.
It helps with the smells, but gives the room even more of a funeral home
feeling.

I hear Tim
coming down the hall so I straighten
Aunty's
blankets
and make sure she's well covered. I want to preserve her modesty as much as
possible. She would be horrified at all of this.
The catheter,
the smelliness, men in her bedroom, people staring at her while she looks
so—old.
She was always completely together. It's painful to see her so
completely not. I love her so much. I flop down in a chair and Tim finds me
crying when he comes in the room.

"I wish you
didn't have to go through this, Ivy"

I nod
appreciatively and blow my nose.

"I'm lucky
to have my dad and my brother. Not many people have that much family
anymore."

Is he trying to
make me feel better? I wish he'd go away. I don't need his help right now.

"What were
your parents like?" he asks, oblivious to my desire to be alone.

Without
thinking, I talk. I tell him about where I grew up and what mom and dad were
like.
About our little house and our big yard.
I tell
him about Hazel. I haven't ever told anyone this much about myself. Not even
Harmony. Only Aunty knew all of this. When I finally run out of stories and
grow quiet, Tim takes a turn. He tells me about his childhood. I had never
heard about his mom who died in a car accident with his little sister. He's had
hard, sad things to overcome, too. It's a comfort to me. Not that I'm happy
about his misfortunes, just—it puts things in perspective to remember that
everyone has to go through stuff.

Hours pass. I
check on Rosa a lot and sometimes she sits on the floor near Tim and I while we
talk. I find a coloring book and a few more crayons which delights her. Tim
says Ben and Jack have been invited to Mr. Terrell's for dinner. I'm relieved
to not have to cook for all the people in our house. I bring some apples and
bread and butter to
Aunty's
room for Tim and Rosa to
eat. I'm not hungry.

Tim asks me
about what happened in Commerce and I continue with my transparent babble and
tell him the whole story.
Even the part about being terrified
of Matt when he showed up at our back door.
Then, for some reason, I
tell him the rest of the Matt story. How much Matt loves his Thomas, how
surprised I was at Matt's humor and normal-
ness
. Tim
doesn't respond or ask questions, he just lets me talk.

Sometime after
dark, Rosa climbs up in my lap and falls asleep while I stroke her hair. She
never did get that bath and she's still wearing the potato soup. Tim and I are
quiet now. He seems tired.

"You can
rest," I say. "I will probably stay in here tonight."

I'm kind of
hoping he'll leave so I can have the chair he's sitting in. Mine is super
uncomfortable.

Tim checks
Aunty's
pulse and listens to her breathing. He doesn't say
so, but I think she's gotten weaker.

"I'll stay
awhile longer," he says, taking his glasses off and leaning his head back
in the comfortable chair.

With his eyes
closed I can't help but study him. I have mostly avoided his gaze all day. He
always looks at me with such
ga-ga
eyes. I know he
likes me a lot.
Maybe loves me.
As annoying as it is,
he's made it clear that he's attracted to me. And, more than that, he likes me
for who I am.
Which is surprising considering I've never been
at my nicest when he's around.

With his thick
nerd glasses off, he looks better actually. I never see him without them and
they do nothing positive for his appearance. With his eyes closed, and his face
relaxed, I decide he's decent looking. Really it's his personality that ruins
it for me.
So, irritatingly, grown-up all the time.
In
the dim light, his short blondish brown hair looks darker. It comes to a point
on his forehead that accentuates his nerdy demeanor. He has filled out lately,
he's less gangly, and I can see facial hair starting to grow on his square
chin. He is wearing those faded green clothes that nurses wear. He's been
wearing them all the time lately.
Ever since his dad
"promoted" him to his new status at the clinic.
I think it's a
little much. I guess he's proud of his new job but it wouldn't hurt to dress
normal once in a while.

He opens his
eyes and sees me looking at him. I blush and look down. We've never spent this
much time together before. It's very intimate. Even with Aunty there. And if
she were to wake, she'd probably be thrilled to see us sitting there together.

"Do you need
anything?" he asks in a sleepy, husky voice.

"Could you
help me make Rosa a bed on the floor?"

"Sure."
He stands up and comes around to my side of the bed, squinting a little without
his glasses.

I direct him to
the linen closet with extra blankets and pillows and he builds a nest on the
floor for Rosa.

Standing up
slowly, I gently set her in the soft blankets and tuck the warm covers around
her. Tim is squatting right next to me, helping. I feel his closeness in a
nervous way.

"You are so
sweet with her, Ivy," he whispers with peppermint breath. "I never
pictured you being a kid person, but you're a natural mom."

His kind
compliment reminds me how much I am hoping the Elder's will let me keep her.
Maybe Tim could put in a good word for
me,
all the
grownups in town respect him. If I was willing to live with the
Markowitzs
, maybe they'd let me keep Rosa. It might not be
that
awful.

"You look
nice without your glasses," I blurt in a whisper.

What is wrong with me
?

I don't want him
thinking I have any interest in him whatsoever. I stand up quickly and avoid
looking at him as I back towards the door. "I better go make sure everyone
is in for the night, turn off lights, lock up—" I stammer.

I tuck my head
and hurry from the room. I need a break from the smells and the heavy thoughts
in
Aunty's
room. I walk downstairs and jump at the
sight of a strange man sitting at the window seat in the foyer. After a
double-take, I realize
it's
Jack, all shaved and
cleaned up. I won't miss the Mountain Man.