Authors: David Foster Wallace
The Moms always had this way of establishing herself in the exact center of any room she was in, so that from any angle she was somehow in the line of all sight. It was part of her, and so to that extent dear to Hal, but it was noticeable and kind of unsettling. His brother Orin, during a late-night round of Family Trivia, had once described Avril as The Black Hole of Human Attention. Hal had been pacing, rising up on the toes of the left foot, trying to gauge the exact level of physical discomfort he was feeling. That's when she'd come in. Hal and the Moms always greeted each other kind of extravagantly. When Avril entered a room, any sort of pacing reduced to orbiting, and Hal's pacing became vaguely circular around the waiting room's perimeter as Avril rested her tailbone on the receptionist's desk and crossed her ankles and produced her cigarette case. Her manner always became very casual and almost sort of male when she and Hal were alone in a room.
She watched him walk. 'The ankle?’
He hated himself for exaggerating the limp even slightly. 'Tender. Sore at the very worst. More like tender.’
'No, now, now no need to cry,'' C.T. was exclaiming as he knelt at the side of the chair from which little legs dangled and were spasming around. 'I didn't mean literally break, as in break open your bead, Tina. Please let me acknowledge that this is totally my fault my dear for presenting what we'll be up to here in just exactly the wrong sort of light.’
Avril had casually produced a 100-mm. rodney from the flat brass case and tamped it on an unlined knuckle. Hal produced no lighter. Neither of them had looked toward Tavis's office's maw. Avril's smock-type dress was blue cotton, with a kind of scalloped white doily around the shoulders and white stockings and painfully white Reebok cross-trainers.
'I am horrified that I've made you cry like this.' Tavis's voice had assumed that stressed character of issuing from the end of a long corridor. 'Just please know that a totally unthreatening lap is available if you want a lap, is all I can think of to say.’
Avril always smoked with her smoking-arm up and elbow resting in the crook of the other arm. She would frequently hold a rodney just this same way without lighting it or even putting it in her mouth. She permitted herself to smoke only in her E.T.A. office and HmH study and one or two other venues outfitted with air-filtration equipment. Her posture, that night, with her coccyx against something and looking down the length of her legs, was awfully close to the way Himself used to stand around. She indicated C.T.'s door with her head.
'I gather he's been in there a while.’
Hal despised even the very slight suggestion of whine that came in: 'I've been waiting here coming up on an hour.' And that he liked it a little that she looked pained for him as her tiny eyebrows (unplucked, just naturally tiny and arched) went up.
'You've had nothing to eat, then, yet?’
'I was summoned.'‘
Tavis's voice in there: Til invite you right here and now to sit in my lap and let me make such soothing sounds as There There There.’
'Want my Mommy and Daddy.’
Avril said, 'That's the old turn making those sounds then, and not the air conditioner?' with that smile that was also a kind of wince.
'Couldn't even start to describe the sounds coming from down there, like that whistleless kettle Himself used to leave on when —’
An apple appeared from a deep pocket in her smock. 'Happen to have a spare Granny Smith here, to tack body to soul while we wait.’
He smiled tiredly at the big green apple. 'Moms, that's your apple. That's all you're going to eat between 12 and 23, I happen to know.’
Avril made a distended gesture. 'Stuffed. Huge lunch with a set of parents not three hours ago. I've been staggering around since.' Looking at the apple like she had no idea where it'd even come from. Til probably pitch this out.’
'You will not.’
'Please,' rising from the desk's edge without seeming to use muscles, apple held out like something distasteful, cigarette down at her side where it would be putting a hole in the smock if lit. 'You'd be doing us both a favor.’
'This drives me bats. You know this drives me bats.’
Orin and Hal's term for this routine is Politeness Roulette. This Moms-thing that makes you hate yourself for telling her the truth about any kind of problem because of what the consequences will be for her. It's like to report any sort of need or problem is to mug her. Orin and Hal had this bit, during Family Trivia sometimes: 'Please, I'm not using this oxygen anyway.' 'What, this old limb? Take it. In the way all the time. Take it.' 'But it's a gorgeous bowel movement, Mario — the living room rug needed something, I didn't know what til right this very moment.' The special fantodish chill of feeling both complicit and obliged. Hal despised the way he always reacted, taking the apple, pretending to pretend his reluctance to eat her supper was a pretense. Orin believed she did it all on purpose, which was way too easy. He said she went around with her feelings out in front of her with an arm around the feelings' windpipe and a Clock 9 mm. to the feelings' temple like a terrorist with a hostage, daring you to shoot.
The Moms held the red binder out to Hal without moving. 'Have you seen Alice's new packets?' The apple was good-sour but perfumy from the pocket of the Moms's smock, and it stimulated a torrent of saliva. The binder had different little informal and action photos from the waiting-room walls, and offprints of clippings, and three rings for the packet of guidelines and Honor-Code pledges, all done up by Moore in a Gothic ital.
Hal looked up from the binder, indicating C.T.'s office with his head. 'You're taking the girl around yourself?’
'We're encouragingly short-staffed. Thierry and Donni won their qualifying round at Hartford, so they're staying over.' She leaned way forward and looked in at C.T. so he could see she was out here. She smiled.
Hal followed her look. 'The girl's name's Tina something and she'll come up to about your knee.’
'Echt,' Avril said, looking at something on a printout.
Hal looked at her while he chewed. 'You don't like her already?’
'Tina Echt. Pawtucket. Father apparently some sort of unleavened baker, mother a public relations person for the Red Sox A.A.A. baseball there.’
Hal had to wipe his chin as he smiled. 'Triple-A. Not A.A.A.’
Avril was leaning forward at the waist with the binder to her breast the way females hold flat things, still trying to catch the Headmaster's eye.
Hal said 'Troeltsch finally has some competition in the repulsive-last-name department.’
'Lord she is a small one isn't she.’
'I can't see her being more than maybe five.’
'Oh golly let's see: age seven, high I.Q., somewhat impoverished-looking M.M.P.I., played out of Providence Racquet and Bath in East Providence. Ranked thirty-first in Eastern 12's as of June.’
'She can't be much taller than her damn stick out there, when she plays. Schtitt's going to keep her here what, twelve years?’
'The girl's father has been calling about admission for her for over two years, Charles said.’
'He was doing that thing about taking skulls apart and she yelled bloody murder.’
Avril's laugh's onset was high-pitched and alarming and distinctive, so now at least C.T. would for sure know the Moms was out here waiting and would wind things up and maybe get to Hal so Hal could go get high in secret. 'Well good for her,' Avril said.
The orbit took him around Lateral Alice Moore's desk in a kind of thick ellipse. Every time his left foot came down he either dipped down or raised up briefly to tip-toe, flexing the ankle. 'Ten years here and she'll lose her mind. If she starts at seven she'll either be ready for the Show at fourteen or by fourteen she'll start getting that burned-out look that makes you want to wave your hand in front of her face.’
There was the sound of Tavis's squeaky right Nunn Bush pacing faster, which meant real conclusion. 'I'm going to predict it's probably hard to see yourself as a great athlete at this stage, Tina, not being able to see over the net yet, but possibly even harder to see yourself as providing entertainment, engaging people's attention. As a high-velocity object people can project themselves onto, forgetting their own limitations in the face of the nearly limitless potential someone as young as yourself represents.’
The apple generated tremendous amounts of saliva. 'He'll put her in the Show before menses, there'll be another enormous fuss and high-rental cartridges of a girl no larger than her racquet beating up on hairy Slavic lesbians, and then by fourteen she'll be like old coal in the bottom of a backyard grill.' Some old military joke about apples kept running through. Eat the Apple, Fuck the Core. Hal couldn't remember what it was supposed to signify.
The Moms was snapping her fingers silently and working her forehead. 'There's some term for coals reduced to residue after all day in a grill. I'm trying to think.’
Hal hates this. 'Clinkers,' he said instantly. 'From klinker low German and klinckaerd old Dutch, to sound, ring, nominated to substantive around 1769: a hard mass formed by the fusion of the earthy impurities of like coal, iron ore, limestone.' He hated it that she could even dream he'd be taken in by the aphasiac furrowing and finger-snapping, and then that he's always so pleased to play along. Is it showing off if you hate it?
'Clinker.’
'A grill wouldn't have clinkers. Charcoal's refined to burn right down to dust. Clinkers are sort of metallic, I think. See for example the ring-dash-sound etymology.’
'I like to suspect this is why so many of our older players like to project me into this carnival-barker persona with tiny balance sheets revolving in my eyes, that I'm up-front with every incoming addition to our family that this is where the resources come from for professional tennis, and for the North American junior development system for gifted children who want to scale the heights to professionalism or to a competitive college career, and so ultimately for an Academy like this one's considerable operating expenses, and for scholarships like the partial one we're so happy to be able to offer your parents for you.’
'So then perhaps you'd care to join us for dinner. We'll also have Ms. Echt if she can stay up that long.’
The core made a very-muffled-cymbal sound in the bottom of Lateral Alice's wastebasket. 'I can't get out of dawns. Wayne and I are supposed to play Slobodan
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and Hartigan at some corporate-spectacle thing at Au-burndale right after lunch.’
'Have you had Barry speak to Gerhardt about the ankle not getting better?’
'The clay'll be good to it. Schtitt knows all about the ankle.’
'Well best of British luck to you both.' Avril's purse looked more like soft luggage than like a purse. 'May I lend you the key to the kitchen, then.’
It's always the Moms's left shoulder Hal looks over, whenever he orbits, and his plans emerged between Avril's invitations to accept some sort of politeness-act. 'The Darkness and I were going to blast down the hill and grab something if and when I ever get out of here.’
'Oh.’
Then he wondered with dread what Stice might have said to her on her way in, re supper. 'Maybe Pemulis too, I think Pemulis said.’
'Well do not, under any circumstances, enjoy yourself.’
Echt and Tavis were both standing, now, in there. Their handshake looked, for the first split-second he looked, like C.T. was jacking off and the little girl was going Sieg Heil. Hal thought he was maybe starting to lose his mind. Even the meat of the Granny Smith smelled like perfume.
Three months later, earlier today, before being again summoned, at the dentist's, the dentist's office had had a weird sharp clean sweet smell about it, the olfactory equivalent of fluorescent light. Hal had felt the cold stab in the gum and then the slow radial freeze, his face ballooning to become one of the frozen cumuli against the aftershave-blue of the dental wallpaper's sky. Zegarelli D.D.S. had dry dark green eyes that bulged above his mint-blue mask, as in like olives where eyes should be, as he leaned in to proceed, his dental overhead light's corona giving him one of those malperspectived medieval halos that seem to stand on end. Even masked, Zegarelli's breath is infamous — E.T.A.s forced for the first time by their E.T.A. Group Plan to recline below Zegarelli are counselled on how to respire, to inhale when Zegarelli inhales and exhale right back out with him, to avoid doubling the amount of suffering Hal's already gone through, just today.
Charles Tavis is not a buffoon. The thing that's keeping things so tensely quiet out here amid all this waiting-room blue is that there are historically at least two Charles Tavises, the three older boys know. The openly cross-sectional and free-associating and arms-waving-on-the-perspectival-horizon dithering hand-wringing Total-Worry persona is really Tavis's version of social composure, his way of trying to get along with you. But just ask Michael Pemulis, whose sneakers have been on Tavis's carpet so often they've left an unvacuumable impression in the checked Antron: when Tavis loses his composure, when the integrity or smooth function of the Academy or his unquestioned place at the E.T.A. tiller is God forbid threatened, Hal's openly adjustable uncle becomes a different man, one not to be fucked with. It's not necessarily pejorative to compare a cornered bureaucrat to a cornered rat. The danger-sign to watch out for is if Tavis suddenly gets very quiet and very still. Because then he seems, perspectivally, to grow. He seems, sitting there, to rush in at you, dopplering in at a whisper. Almost looming over you from across the huge desk. If shit meets administrative fan, kids coming out of his mandible-doored office come out pale and rubbing their eyes, not from tears but from this depth-perspective skewing that C.T. suddenly effects, when there's shit.
Another alert is when Lateral Alice Moore gets formally buzzed to bring you and the others in, instead of the office doors ever opening from inside, and when she gets up and edges over to show you in like you're some sort of hat-holding salesman, without once meeting your eye, as if there's shame. One big family.