Infraction (9 page)

Darren focused on me, his brow crinkled and there was a look of concern in his eyes.
“What’s going on? Can you tell me what you’re thinking?”

“No one ever held me when I was sad or hurt. When Nathan does that after we’ve been
in bed together, sometimes I feel worse, not better.” I felt like shit for saying
that, but I had to be honest if we were going to get anywhere.

Nathan’s face fell. “I think I knew that.” His grip loosened on my hand and began
to pull away. I gripped it hard, to let him know this wasn’t a rejection, and it was
me begging for help.

“I don’t know what to do about that. I want to change, I do, but this is who I am,
who I’ve been for so long. I don’t know any other way to be,” I cried.

Darren stood up and gave me a patient look. “That’s true; this is who you’ve become
because you were forced into it. It was survival. But now, we’ve moved past survival.
If Nathan promises you he won’t leave you again, do you think you’d be more apt to
not be afraid and to open up a little bit?”

“I suppose…” I didn’t want to promise anything I couldn’t deliver.

A few days after our session was my first follow-up appointment. The doctors said
my progress was going well, and I was able to have my stitches removed. It would still
be another week before I would be allowed to use the crutches and even then only part
of the time to start. They wanted to make sure my bruised ribs were healed before
I exerted myself too much.

While it had been Sarah who took me to the hospital for my appointment, it was Nathan
who took me home. With prescriptions already digitally en route, we drove to the drugstore
that wasn’t far from our building.

“I’ll be right back,” he said as he pulled on the handle to open the door

“Wait, I can’t go with you?”

I needed out and, damn it, and he was going to take me out. I’d been cooped up for
weeks and suffering from a serious case of cabin fever.

“I’m just going in to pick up your meds; I’ll be back in a minute.”

With that he left me sitting alone in the car, staring at the brick wall in front
of me. Fifteen minutes later, which had seemed like forever, Nathan returned. He was
so tense he moved with almost a stiff limp. Instead of walking to the driver’s side
door, he opened mine.

I quirked my brow at him as he cursed under his breath. “They won’t let me fucking
sign for your meds.”

It wasn’t until he leaned into the car and his arms moved under my body did I understand.
A smile broke out on my face.

Freedom!

Agitation seeped from him as he pulled me out, but he seemed to calm somewhat when
my arms wrapped around his neck.

My eyes were happy to have more stimuli, and I was looking everywhere like a kid in
a candy shop. I wanted him to let me down so I could explore, but I knew there was
no way he would.

We walked up to the pharmacy counter, maneuvering past the small line of people. “Here
she is.”

I turned to look at the pharmacist who pushed the paper for me to sign. A quick signature
and then Nathan shifted, juggling me a bit. He pulled out his wallet and I tried to
protest, but was met with a glare, silencing me. After payment was made, he handed
me the bag and turned to walk toward the door.

Hell no.

It was my first adventure out of the hospital or the house in nearly two weeks, and
I was going to make damn sure I made it last.

I looked at him and said, “Hey, while we’re here, there are a few things I need to
pick up.”

He turned to me. “Just give me a list; I’ll pick them up for you later.”

“But, we’re already here,” I argued.

He sighed. “I need to get you back to bed.”

My jaw clenched. He was being difficult, and I was going to get my taste of freedom.
I stared at him, our eyes locked in some silent battle.

“Put me down.”

“Lila…”

“Put me the fuck down!”

He glared at me and took a deep breath. “You can’t even stand.”

“Fine, there’s a motorized cart at the door; I saw it when we walked in.”

Another silent argument with our eyes ensued before he relented with a huff. We were
headed toward the door again, but just before, he detoured to the cart that was stationed
there, plugged into the wall.

He sat me down, grumbling about needing to get me home. I’d been home for a week now;
it wasn’t going anywhere.

As soon as I was on the seat, my casted leg extended, I was off.

I raced away from my captor like a bat out of hell…or like a crippled lady on a scooter,
but it was the imagery that counted. It took him two strides to catch up. After all,
I was racing at about three miles per hour.

I started out aisle by aisle, adding things to the cart. I didn’t even know or care
what was going in, but I sure as hell was having fun.

Nathan wasn’t. He was pissed, still limping by my side. The way he was hovering around
me made him look like a Jack the Ripper stalking his next victim and less like a frustrated
boyfriend with a disobedient girlfriend on wheels. Everyone who was in an aisle we
were in would give him a rather large berth. They could tell he was a man who was
having difficulties controlling his anger.

What I saw was a man who needed a nice long blow job to get all the tension out, but
he’d have to deal with it. He could chase me around, cursing under his breath; it
added to the freakish, hot sensuality he was exuding in that moment. That “I’m going
to spank your ass red so you can never sit in a scooter again” vibe that was exciting
me, but could not override my freedom fun.

He was furious, fists clenched at his side, and I could tell he wanted an outlet.
It was amusing to play with him, so I laid it on thicker, smiling and waving at him
like I was on parade. He growled. My smile turned to a glare. Spoilsport.

Almost everything I threw into the cart, Nathan pulled back out, arguing it wasn’t
something I needed.

I even tried tampons, but he grabbed the box and put it back on the shelf, reminding
me I was on the shot and didn’t have periods.

Damn him for remembering.

He continued to chase me around the store, reaching into the basket and plucking items
back out. I would slap his hands, glaring up at him, but he just glared back. He was
spoiling my fun. Then again, it was a fun game to have him chasing me…not that I’d
tell him.

It was difficult not to smile and laugh at my newfound freedom as I zipped around.
My hair was blowing in the breeze, and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirrors
near the ceiling. The image I portrayed could only be considered one of a mad woman,
and in my giddy state that was almost how I felt.

After almost an hour, a very irate Nathan and I exited with two bags full of who knows
what.

Nathan was fuming as he placed me back into the car, and I tried to mirror his look,
but was unsuccessful. He maneuvered around the outside of the car.

“Party pooper. No blow job or party favors for you,” I said under my breath, giggling
afterward. I followed him with my eyes, still pretending to glare at him. He needed
to lighten up. Maybe I should have taken him for a spin on my lap around the store
a few times on the fabulous freedom scooter? I stifled a roar of laughter at the thought.

God, I was losing it.

He slammed the driver’s side door upon entering, not happy with how our excursion
had gone. He was angry, and I couldn’t keep the smile from my face, try as I might.

Then I couldn’t keep my humor of the situation at bay.

Laughter, full and deep, sprung from me. My body shook from the force, despite the
pain.

Nathan turned to look at me as if I’d gone mad. The more he watched me though, the
more it began to dawn on him.

“You did that on purpose?” he asked through clenched teeth.

I couldn’t speak; the giggles took full control, so I nodded. Nathan looked appalled,
but my state became contagious and he joined in.

“You little…” he trailed off. “I can’t believe you!”

“Freedom!” I cried out, my fist pumping in the air.

He smiled and shook his head, backing out of the space and heading home.

Score one point for Honeybear, and none for Jack the Ripper. Victory was sweet.

It was later that night as we were snuggled into bed, watching a movie, when Nathan’s
hand reached out to cup my face, his eyes beseeching. “Lila, I…I’ll do anything to
have you trust me again.”

“Where did that come from?” I angled my head back to get a better look at him. Maybe
my lunacy was spreading…

He sighed and tugged at the back of his neck. “I had a session with Darren, and I
don’t need him to tell me what to promise you. You already know, but I’m going to
tell you until you believe it. I love you more than I’ve ever loved
anyone
.”

My eyes went wide in shock. More than Grace and his baby? How could that be? That
was a huge thing to say. And I…believed him.

“I have a reason to live again –
you
. I want us to be together from now on. Live together, have holidays and birthdays
together. Hell, I’ll go wherever you want me to go and do whatever you want, but I
need you to trust and believe me first before we can – ”

In a flash, my arms were around his neck, pulling him to me.

He was my whole world. He had been since that first night.

I was still wary, but with what he had admitted, how could I not try? Couldn’t I try
to let him in again, try to trust him? Could we start fresh, from the beginning?

I released him and lay back down, snuggling into my pillow. “Do you… You say you love
me. Do you love me more than her? Really?”

His eyes widened in fear before softening. “Yes.”

“Then why won’t you let her go?” I asked, my voice breaking as a tear slid down my
cheek.

C
HAPTER
9

I
thought Nathan and I were making progress until that night when I asked him why he
couldn’t let go. It seemed he didn’t like my question.

What was it they say? One step forward, two steps back? Well, that was what happened.
Nathan began to withdraw the next day. The change was noticeable that morning; he
stopped touching me. His little touches and kisses were gone, and I mourned the loss.

He hardly talked to me, and touching was relegated to when he had to help me. Of course,
his withdrawal caused me to do the same. I couldn’t count the amount of times I almost
broke down crying in front of him. Maybe I should have. The times I almost lost control
of my emotions, I brushed it off as being in pain and he dropped it, even though he
knew my pain had lessened.

I couldn’t tell him it was because he was breaking my heart—again.

My one sentence, one question, ruined any progress we had made. I hoped it would open
him up, bring us back together, but instead it was ripping us apart.

He was choosing her; he didn’t want to let her go. My heart was fracturing, the mending
that had taken hold, coming undone. I was holding myself together with a frayed thread,
and I wondered if I would be shattered beyond repair.

My condo felt like a strange place to be. It was foreign to me. I felt like an outsider
in my own home. I wanted to scream at him to leave if he didn’t want to be there,
but I couldn’t stand for him to go.

There was an invisible wall between us at night. He still slept in the bed with me,
but there was no warmth.

It was strange being surrounded by people, and yet I had never felt so…alone.

My insurance company called with the estimation on my car; it was totaled. I had no
idea when I was going to do it, but I had to buy a new one. Also, they suggested I
contact a lawyer to go after the driver of the other vehicle for the car, compensation
for the loss of work time, along with my mounting and future medical bills. In talking
with the police, I found out the driver never even applied the brake before he collided
with me. He hadn’t seen the light because he was texting.

Being without a car was one of the many reasons, my injuries being the greatest, as
to why Nathan would need to drive me to work upon my return.

Nathan offered to help me look for a new car as had Andrew. Though I thought Andrew
won in the enthusiasm category; he was researching for days.

I was allowed to return to work at a reduced schedule, despite Nathan’s protests that
I should stay home for another week. I was happy to be getting out of the house and
returning to some sort of schedule. I’d spent over a week at the hospital and two
at home, and my case of cabin fever was worsened by Nathan’s new despondent mood.

We both agreed it was plausible for Nathan to drive me in the morning as we lived
in the same building, and I no longer had a car, therefore no one would be suspicious.
Only a few days prior I was granted permission to start using the crutches, though
it was restricted to use in my condo for the first week. My doctor didn’t want me
using them too much due to the exertion, which left me with the wheelchair to get
around outside and at work.

On my first day back we pulled up to our office building, surrounded by a deafening
silence and an awkward tension filling the air between us. It was broken as Nathan
got out and brought me my wheelchair from the trunk. He opened my door and leaned
in to pick me up, placing me in the chair.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine,” I replied, and we made our way into the building.

We entered and headed toward the elevators. An uncomfortable silence seemed to follow
and remain with us in the small space, and I began to wonder if he would ever talk
to me again. The elevator pinged when we reached our floor, and Nathan pushed me out.

“Welcome back, Delilah!” Libby, the receptionist, greeted as we exited the elevator.

“Thanks, Libby.” I waved as we rounded the corner. She was always such a sweetie.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m going to head to the office,” Nathan said, interrupting us.

“Okay. Thanks, Nathan.” I turned my attention back to Libby.

Libby watched him walk away and smiled at me. “That was nice of him to bring you in.”

“It is. Since I can’t drive, and no longer have a car.”

“Yeah, you should be thankful,” a familiar voice sneered from behind me.

My jaw clenched as I remembered the Boob Squad. Oh, how I hadn’t missed them.

“Very thankful,” I said, trying hard to smile and not tell Jennifer to stick it where
the sun didn’t fucking shine. I’d had a shitty past couple days, and was happy to
be back. She didn’t want to mess with me – I was fresh off the loony bin.

“He’s being nice to you, but I wouldn’t let it get to your head. Nathan would have
no interest in someone like you.” Kelly looked down at me in disgust.

Try as I might to ignore her, I felt the sting. Her words were hitting a little too
close to home.

“Someone like
me
? What is that supposed to mean?” I hoped my distaste was obvious in my expression.
Someone who didn’t have the fat removed from her thighs only to be deposited into
her boobs? Or someone who used her brain for something other than housing an occasional
hat? They probably couldn’t go out into the sun anyway; it would fry their unholy
she-devil skin.

Jennifer straightened, an evil little smile creeping up on her vile red lips. “Plain.
You have little personality, okay in looks, nothing much to offer. Nathan is above
you. He belongs with someone of his caliber. Someone like me.”

“You’re out of your league with him, so I wouldn’t even think about it, if I were
you,” Tiffany added.

Even with their cruel words clawing at my insides, it was difficult to keep my laughter
at bay from their comments. Nathan wouldn’t touch them with a ten foot pole. “He’s
been here for almost six months, if he wanted you in the least bit, he would have
gone after you by now.”

Tiffany took on the same stance as Jennifer, joining in her upturned nose and assumed
entitlement. “It’s because of the fraternization rule.”

I snapped, glaring up at them and their stupidity. “Fuck the fraternization rule.
If a guy really wants you, that’s what he’d say. He hasn’t said it, hasn’t approached
you. He doesn’t want you. Why don’t you leave him alone and quit barging in while
we are trying to work? It’s obvious your flirtations are unnoticed and unwanted.”
Wanting to throw more salt in the wound and also take a jab at Nathan I added, “Maybe
he’s gay. Or maybe silicone doesn’t appeal to him? I’ve heard he doesn’t like plastic
people. Either way – sounds like neither of you are on his radar.”

The heat of their death glares had me smiling in victory as my savior arrived.

“Hey, Delilah. Welcome back. Ready to get the show on the road?” Owen asked, interrupting
our little chat. It was a good thing too, because Jennifer looked like she wanted
to deck me.

Yes, hit the wheelchair-bound woman. That sounds like a great idea. I’d love to see
you fired.

Owen took hold of the chair and pushed his way past the Boob Squad. Their glares were
burning a hole in the back of my head as we went.

“Nice going. Though, they’ll be screaming about you later.”

“Screw them. I’ve had a really shitty month, and I don’t see why I should put up with
their fucking high school bullying ways,” I seethed. My blood pressure was rising,
creating a throbbing in my leg. “I hope a stray dart punctures one of their silicone
breasts to give them something truly upsetting to worry their small brains about,
then they can forget I’m even here.”

Owen and I settled down at my desk, I avoided Nathan, and went over what Owen had
been doing in my stead. He had a few questions and a few items that needed some work,
but all in all he was doing a very good job. I could see him getting the job full-time
if Nathan or I ever left.

The mountains were still there, as to be expected, but at least the files hadn’t grown
too much with my absence and Nathan’s reduced hours.

Andrew came in right at noon to take me home, interrupting Owen and I as we worked
on a more intricate case. Nathan and Andrew shared a look; I wasn’t quite sure if
they were back to being okay with one another or not.

“Ready, Lila?”

I yawned and nodded. I hadn’t expected how much being at work for only a few hours
would affect me, but I was really tired.

I waved at Nathan and Owen as Andrew wheeled me away. “See you guys later.”

Over the next few days, it felt like I was seeing Andrew more than Nathan. He decided
to take the afternoon off; we went to the movies and grabbed some dinner. I let Nathan
know, of course. I needed to get out, and that was difficult with Nathan. Between
his mood, his control issues, and our need to hide our…relationship, or whatever you
would call us, we couldn’t go out together. So, I felt guilty, but I was also happy
as a lark to be out of my condo.

I knew Nathan wasn’t thrilled I was spending so much time with Andrew, but I was so
restless and it provided me a much needed lifeline. It was more than that; Nathan
wasn’t fun to be around as of late. Spending time with him made me sad as I watched
the rift between us grow, unable to stop it. After all the progress, there we were,
back to square one. Only this time, there was no sex. Square zero, if there was such
a thing. Strangers who were anything but strangers. Nathan knew me better than anyone.
Anyone.

That was why his behavior hurt so much. Why I needed an escape and turned to the person
who knew me second best, besides Caroline.

“Why are you so…sullen lately?” Andrew asked on the drive home. “I mean, he fucked
up, but I thought you’d be, I don’t know, happy to have him back. Am I wrong in the
way I’m reading things here?”

I shook my head. “Things are…things are complicated.”

“Complicated, how? Haven’t you had it out?”

Tears welled in my eyes. “He… I don’t know…” The tears began to stream down my cheeks.

“Hey, hey.” Andrew pulled the car over and reached toward me, his thumbs brushing
away my tears. “Tell me.”

It all came pouring out: my insecurities, my loneliness, Nathan’s distance.

“If he doesn’t want to take care of you, let me. I’ll take care of you.”

“Thanks, Drew. I just…need to find out what’s going on.”

I cried on his shoulder the remainder of the way home.

Nathan had me crying, something I hadn’t done in almost ten years until I met him.
The first time tears came to my eyes was when I saw his scars, because I could only
imagine what he had gone through to get them.

Andrew dropped me off after our movie/dinner outing and had me laughing about something
as we entered my condo, Nathan glared at us. The laughter stopped and my chest tightened
as I tried not to believe the feelings he was evoking in me, but I couldn’t stop them.

I thought about what Andrew said that night and decided to approach Nathan about his
idea. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, having Andrew stay and help me with everything,
but being with Nathan every moment throughout the evening was killing me inside.