Insane City (31 page)

“OK,” said Seth. “I don’t have an exact plan. But I’m not just gonna let those two assholes take those

people away and do whatever they want with them.” He started the engine. “I need to get going. You can

get out if you want.”

Cyndi shook her head. “I’m going,” she said.

Seth put the car in gear.

“Wait,” said Meghan. “I’m going, too.” Before Seth or Cyndi could respond, she opened the back

door, slid inside and pulled the door closed.

Then she screamed.

Then she said: “THERE’S A FUCKING ORANGUTAN IN THE BACKSEAT!”

“It’s OK,” said Cyndi.

“WHY IS IT OK?”

“He’s been pretty calm lately.”

Despite this assurance, Meghan sat rigidly still, staring at Trevor. Trevor was staring back at her. He

reached out his left hand and very gently touched her hair with his left forefinger. Meghan did not move.

Trevor stroked her hair for a moment, then pulled his hand back and resumed staring at her.

Meghan felt a little calmer. “Why,” she said, “is there an orangutan in this car?”

“It’s kind of a complicated story,” said Seth.

“Is that what it is?” said Cyndi. “An orangutan? Because we’ve been calling it a gorilla.”

“No, it’s definitely an orangutan. A full-grown male. I’m an animal person. I was going to be a

veterinarian before I found out there would be actual study involved. What do you mean, it’s a

complicated story?”

“Well,” said Seth, “to cut right to the chase, bottom line, it has Tina’s wedding ring.”

“The
orangutan
does?”

“Yeah. He’s been holding on to it. I don’t know why, but he seems to like it.”

Meghan looked at Trevor’s hands. The right one was wrapped around the red ring box. “But how—I

mean, why—
why
does the orangutan have Tina’s wedding ring?”

“I can explain that,” said Seth. “But if we’re going to catch those guys, we have to get moving. Are

you still in?”

Meghan looked at Trevor. He was still looking at her.

“I’ve dated worse,” she said. “I’m still in.”

Seth hit the gas.

40

Rose and Sid were up early. They were always up early, because, as older people tend to do,

they spent a substantial chunk of each morning in the bathroom, laboriously striving to execute bodily

functions that younger people take for granted.

At the moment, it was Rose’s turn on the throne. As was her habit, she was keeping Sid up to date on

her progress by yelling through the door.

“I’LL BE OUT SOON,” she was saying. “I THINK I’M ALMOST FINISHED. BUT IT COULD BE

A LITTLE LONGER. SID? SID?”

“OK,” said Sid, this being what he always said in response to Rose’s morning play-by-play. Sid was

sitting on the edge of the bed exactly where Rose had left him. He was watching the TV channel Rose had

selected for him after she had spent ten minutes on the phone with a hotel employee who explained to her,

with great patience, how to operate the remote control.

At the moment, the channel was showing the local news. On the screen was a thin but perky woman

named Lisbeth Renaldo, who could have been pretty, but who also could have been Mike Tyson. There

was no way to tell because she was wearing roughly a cubic yard of makeup.

“If you’re just joining us this morning,” she was saying, “we’re following one of those weird stories

that makes you shake your head and say, ‘Only in Miami.’” To emphasize this point, Lisbeth shook her

head. Her hair did not move a micron. “Miami-Dade Police are telling us that early this morning, the

Primate Encounter tourist attraction in the Redlands was broken into by a man and a woman . . . who

apparently stole an orangutan. Yes, you heard that right: They stole an orangutan! According to police, the

pair allegedly used the animal to assault a security guard—an assault that led to gunfire. And, believe it or

not, there is still more to this story. Police are now telling Action 5 that a short while after the assault at

Primate Encounter, the alleged suspects then used this same orangutan to attack three bouncers at a

gentlemen’s club on U.S. 1 in Kendall and then rob a convenience store a short distance away. Action 5

has exclusive coverage of this bizarre crime spree. We’ll begin with crime reporter Trace Finn, who is

live on the scene at Primate Encounter. Trace, what’s the situation down there?”

“I’M ALMOST DONE,” shouted Rose from the bathroom.

“OK,” said Sid.

On the screen now was a suit-wearing blond man who appeared to be about twenty-three years old.

He was standing in front of the roadside Primate Encounter sign, holding a microphone, his brow slightly

furrowed to indicate seriousness. Standing next to him was the blobular form of Artie Kunkel, still

wearing his security guard uniform, which featured armpit stains the size of Frisbees.

“Lisbeth,” said Trace Finn to the camera, “it almost sounds like a joke—robbers stealing an

orangutan and using it to attack a security guard. But there’s nothing funny about what happened here if

you were the victim of that attack. I’m standing here with Primate Encounter security guard Arnie Krunkle,

who—”

“Artie,” said Artie.

“Sorry, Artie Krunkle, who—”

“
Kunkel.
There’s no
r
. Just Kunkel.”

“OK, fine,” said Trace Finn, trying without complete success to hide his annoyance. “Can you tell us

exactly what happened here last night?”

“ALMOST FINISHED,” called Rose from the bathroom.

“OK,” said Sid.

“Well,” said Artie, “I was making my rounds, which I do every hour. I go around and check on

things. I do this every hour. I follow a certain route that I’m prescribed to take where I go from one thing

to another. So, basically, I’m almost always out patrolling. I start at the back, and then there’s this path

that goes around all the animal cages, starting with the monkeys, and then over to the birds, and then over

to—”

“So can you tell us when you saw the alleged assailants?” said Trace Finn, moving things along.

“Right,” said Artie. “So I was making my rounds and I heard some noise out by the front gate and I

went to investigate, which is when I saw the alleged assailants.”

“And it was a man and a woman?”

“Right, a man and a woman. I ordered them to halt, which is when Trevor attacked.”

“Trevor?”

“Trevor is the orangutan.”

“It attacked you?”

“Yes, which is when I had to defend myself, in self-defense. With the gun.”

“So you had a gun?”

Artie, with a glance at the camera, said, “No.”

“You
didn’t
have a gun?”

“I’m not supposed to carry a gun. So I don’t.”

“But shots
were
fired, right?”

“Right. Shots were fired.”

“So who fired them?”

Another glance at the camera. “I did.”

“So you
did
have a gun.”

“Not at first. Eventually I did have a gun, yes.”

“JUST ANOTHER MINUTE,” said Rose.

“OK,” said Sid.

“How did you eventually get a gun?” said Trace Finn.

“I took it away from him,” said Artie.

Trace Finn’s brow furrows deepened.

“Wait, are you saying the
orangutan
had a gun?”

“No, the guy. The assailant. I took his gun.”

“How did you get it away from him?”

“I don’t really remember.”

“OK,” said Trace Finn, determined to get this thing done, “so you got the gun, and then what?”

“I fired it. In self-defense.”

“Did you hit the assailant? Or Taylor?”

“Who’s Taylor?”

“The orangutan.”

“No, he’s
Trevor
.”

“OK, did you hit him? Or anybody?”

“I don’t know. It was dark.”

“Then what happened?”

“They jumped in the car and drove away.”

“Were you hurt in the struggle?”

“What struggle?”

“To get the gun.”

“Oh. No. I was just doing my job.”

Trace Finn looked into the camera again.

“So there you have it, Lisbeth. An eyewitness account from security guard Artie Krunkle.”

“Kunkel,”
said Artie. “There’s no
r
.”

“JUST ANOTHER MINUTE,” said Rose.

“OK,” said Sid.

Lisbeth Renaldo was back on the screen. “Thank you, Trace,” she said. “Police told Action 5 News

that the assailants left Primate Encounter in a late-model black Cadillac Escalade. They then apparently

drove to Chuckletrousers, a gentlemen’s club located on U.S. 1.”

The TV screen showed the exterior of Chuckletrousers.

“It is not known why they went here, but what is known is that the orangutan attacked three

Chuckletrousers bouncers in this parking lot. All three were injured, although police say that fortunately

none of them were hurt seriously. Meanwhile the assailants took off again in the Escalade.”

“ONE MINUTE,” said Rose.

“OK,” said Sid.

The TV screen was now showing the convenience store.

“A short while later,” said Lisbeth, “they used the orangutan to threaten the cashier at this

convenience store a little farther north on U.S. 1. They forced the cashier to open the register and give

them an undetermined amount of cash.”

The screen was showing Lisbeth again, her expression letting the viewers know she still couldn’t

believe how
crazy
this all was.

“Police have released this video from a surveillance camera in the Chuckletrousers parking lot,” she

said.

The screen showed a grainy, dimly lit image. In the foreground, scooting backward toward the

camera on the ground on their butts, were three large male figures. Advancing on them, teeth bared, was

Trevor.

“This was moments after the orangutan attacked the bouncers,” said Lisbeth. “You can see them on

the ground with the orangutan still threatening them.”

Several feet behind Trevor, a shadowy female figure could be seen helping a shadowy male figure to

his feet next to a dark-colored car.

“The two suspects are in the background,” said Lisbeth. “You can see the female suspect helping the

male suspect get up; apparently he was knocked down at some point during the attack, although the details

of that are not clear.”

The female figure was pushing the male toward the passenger car, shoving him into the open

doorway. As he got in, he turned sideways and for just a second he was looking toward the camera.

Sid frowned and leaned forward.

“I’M DONE,” said Rose. There was a flushing sound. “SID? SID?”

“OK,” said Sid.

On the screen, the female figure jumped in after the man, pushing him over to the passenger side. She

threw the car into gear. At the instant it lurched forward, Trevor, showing amazing quickness and agility

for his size, darted into the car via the back doorway. As the car accelerated forward and disappeared off

camera, the doors slammed shut. The video ended with the bouncers scrambling to their feet.

Lisbeth was back on camera, now looking Serious. “The couple—and the orangutan—are still at

large. They were last seen driving a late-model black Cadillac Escalade northbound on U.S. 1 in South

Miami. Miami-Dade Police are asking anyone with any information on the suspects to call Crimestoppers.

But police are warning people not to approach the suspects, who are believed to be armed and dangerous.

Police are especially warning people not to approach the orangutan, which as you saw in the surveillance

video can be a very dangerous animal. Action 5 will be following this story closely and we’ll have

continued reports throughout the morning. But right now we’re going to take you to Coral Springs, where

yesterday a motorist drove his car into a community swimming pool.”

The screen showed a large swimming pool with a 1998 Buick LeSabre fully submerged in the deep

end.

“You can go in now,” said Rose, emerging from the bathroom. She looked at the TV screen. “Is that a

car in the swimming pool?”

“I think I saw Seth,” said Sid.

“Quiet,” said Rose, pointing to the TV. “I want to hear.”

“Police say the driver, an eighty-seven-year-old Margate resident, was attempting to park his car in

the community center parking lot when he apparently confused the accelerator with the brake,” said

Lisbeth. “His car went through a fence, then across a lawn and a pool deck before plummeting into the

pool. Fortunately, a community center employee with lifeguard training saw the mishap. He dove in and

was able to rescue the driver, who was taken to the hospital but apparently did not suffer any serious

injuries and has been released. Ironically, police said the man had gone to the community center to attend