Inside the Lines: Without a Trace series, a contemporary erotic romance novel (13 page)

I ponder his query. “When I started having hormones, probably. I knew I liked to be on top, to have that say in my own pleasure.”

“Have you ever tried bottoming? Or being submissive at all?”

I think uncomfortably of last week, at the barn. While I wasn’t submissive, per se, the power had definitely shifted between Fin and me, and rather than being turned off by it, I felt unbelievably turned on. I’d wanted him to force me to his will. When he spanked me, I’d exploded with desire. What did that make me? That certainly wasn’t the behavior of a Dominant. “No, I haven’t,” I say, not sure that it’s still the truth, but not having another answer I’m willing to give. “It’s never appealed to me.”

Charles’s full lips turn up, his dark eyes not missing a thing. “You might be surprised. Not meaning any disrespect, Mistress, but there is something delightful about experiencing both sides. I assure you, being out of control, letting someone else carry that burden for a while, and simply experiencing pleasure that is all your own…there’s nothing like it.”

I narrow my eyes at him. “Are you saying you’re a switch, Charles?”

He chuckles. “No, I’m most certainly not. But I am saying that if you’ve never at least tried both sides, how can you know if you don’t like it? And while switches may not be common, they aren’t exactly rare, either.” He stands then, as I do.

I gather my bag and tie my coat around me. He walks me to the door and takes my hands. “You won’t be less of a Dom if you decide to play on the sub-side, Mistress. Quite the opposite. Perhaps only one who has enjoyed the pleasure of both can truly understand the fullness of their preferences.”

I don’t want to know how he’s reading my fears and doubts, so I paste a smile on my face. “Interesting observations, Charles.”

He squeezes my fingers gently and bows his head. “Thank you for my punishment, Mistress Hathaway. I will endeavor to be less naughty for you.”

When I’m in the Town Car, headed to Brooklyn, his words turn over in my mind. Am I less of a Dom because I’ve never submitted before? Is there something else driving me to always be in control? These questions make me uncomfortable. They make me question everything that I am, and none of it gives me any peace. As the car whisks me home, I put on earbuds, the Ramones blaring in my ears, visions of Nellie’s fear edging the perimeter of my thoughts.

Chapter 15

Reflection

Halloween is always fun in the BDSM world. Given that there are whole fetishes dedicated to dressing up as just about anything—squirrels, horses, monsters—having an excuse to publicly take the show on the road ensures that Paddled is packed the whole week. Usually, I make an event of it, choosing sexy costumes for a couple different evenings, and head to the club to embrace the crazed fun of the week.

This year, I don’t. Whether it’s related to the confusing thoughts I’ve been struggling with or perhaps just a phase, I hide out at home.

Elementary has gotten even busier, so Noah’s barely home, and when he is, he’s glued to his computer. We haven’t gone out for a good time in ages, and I haven’t the heart to interrupt him most days, but for once, I notice the strain in his posture, so I make a bit of noise in the kitchen to avoid startling him.

“Did you eat dinner yet?”

“Hm?” He looks up at me, a bit dazed.

“Dinner. The meal that often comes after lunch and before your midnight snack. Did you have it yet?”

He leans back in his chair, his handsome face bracketed with lines of stress. “I don’t think I had breakfast, so no, I’m pretty sure I haven’t had dinner yet.”

“You want to order in?”

He considers, then shakes his head. “Let’s go out. We haven’t done that in a long time.”

“Should we call Ella? See if she can put Ian on nanny patrol?”

“No point. Mia’s been running a low-grade fever, and it’s probably nothing. But Ella won’t leave her until she’s—”

“Eighteen, I know.” I smile.

He nods. “Probably. But let’s you and I go. We’ll make a night of it.”

Thirty minutes later, we’re on the street, hoofing it towards our favorite bar that’s not too far from the house. We order drinks and dinners, then settle back into the thick wooden chairs and size each other up.

“You’re in love.”

His words surprise me so much, I’m stunned into silence. I stare down at my napkin and silverware, running my fingertip over the tines of my fork, again and again.

“And you haven’t told him yet, have you?”

“What are you, the love psychic?” Why can’t I just have a nice dinner without my personal life coming up to slap me in the face? Oh, right, because Noah’s one half of my duo of best friends, and they are also possibly empaths.

“I don’t know about psychic, but I recognize the signs. Plus, you have that strange glow women get when they’re in love.”

“I don’t have a glow,” I snap, but it loses heat when I can’t help chuckling.

“Yes, you do.” He eyes me closely. “And it looks good on you.”

I roll my eyes. “How about you? Made a love connection with online dating yet?”

Now it’s his turn to examine the utensils. “Love would be a strong word.”

I drop the napkin I’ve been unfolding onto my lap. “What? You met someone?”

He wags his head noncommittally. “I might have found a few women intriguing.”

“A few? As in, more fuck ‘em and dump ‘em dates? Or actual first dates with possibilities for seconds?”

With a small smile, he changes the subject. “So is the ink dry on the official partnership with Divine, Inc.?”

“God. What a mess. Nance, the woman I was supposed to meet with to do the deed, got injured while skiing in Colorado, so the meeting was postponed until next week. Of course, they won’t pay for anything until the paperwork is completed.” I trail off, wishing we’d ordered in and watched
The Matrix
trilogy.

“Lulu, it’s all going to work out. Divine is in this. It’s all over but the dancing.” He smiles encouragingly.

“I know. Nance assured me the delay is no big deal. The CEO is really funny about their investment agreements being made in person, as she feels it builds relationships within their company and network. And I totally agree. But still. The waiting is making me jumpy.” I shift the subject, and we spend the rest of night talking about movies and friends.

In bed that night, I can’t sleep. In my core, I know that I need to do something new and different; Kinked is that something. Reviewing the bids and ideas of the contractors not only excites me, but it’s the first time I’ve felt alive in a long time.

I love being a Dominatrix. At least, I used to love it. And I still do…some days. But I want something that uses more of my skills as a business woman, rather than just my skills in the bedroom. Not to mention, I’m not sure if this is the best place for me right now, given my broken rules and guilt. I haven’t slept with anyone but Fin since we’ve been together. Hell, I haven’t
wanted
to sleep with anyone else.

There’s also the part where it’s hard to have a relationship with someone when you’re in a sensual trade. Stripper, escort, Dominatrix, etc….we all have complications that make even the most open-minded lover question on occasion. Despite Fin’s insistence that he’s fine with it, I don’t know if I am. I know—weird, right? I should be totally cool with everything. But I’m not.

I punch my pillow, then shove it back into position, but my bed is lonely. Fin traveled to another farm today for a consultation, so I won’t see him until tomorrow night. And that I’m even missing him this much…it feels so out of character. Yet just thinking about his warm skin and luscious mouth has my stomach doing flip-flops of excitement. More than that, I wish he was beside me, even just to sleep.

It’s going to be a long night.

Chapter 16

The Highlander

I apply a last thick coat of mascara, then step back to examine my art. Fin and I have not one, but two Halloween parties for tonight, and given that they will be as different as night and day, I wasn’t sure what costume to wear. So I went for a combination “goth faery.” A blood red corset and tulle skirt, under a layer of black mesh, knee boots with stiletto heels, barely-there silver and black wings that spread out behind my shoulders, and my hair in pigtails with glitter and silver spray-on hair color. I went heavy on the eye makeup, but with a light pink lip, and some glitter and shimmer on my skin. I’m pleased with the overall result as I angle my body before the mirror.

I’ve no idea what Fin decided to do for a costume, though I admit to being curious. Noah already left for the party at his sister’s, so I answer the door when the doorbell sounds.

A tall, well-built Scotsman with a handsome face is never hard on the eyes. That same Scotsman in a traditional kilt with all the trimmings? Glorious.

“At yer service, m’lady,” Fin greets me with a small, courtly bow before handing me a single red rose.

My smile spreads so wide my cheeks ache, and I find myself biting my lip. “Wow. You look phenomenal. Is this legit? Like a real kilt?”

“Ye slay me, m’lady,” he mocks, holding his hands over his heart as though I’ve wounded him. “Ye’d expect any less of a descendent of the Scottish highlanders?”

I laugh but welcome his warm mouth to mine as he cautiously slides his hands around my cinched waist, neatly avoiding the ties of the wings.

“When ye told me about the parties, I had my mum send over my da’s tartan. It’s what he married in, ye see.”

“It’s stunning.”

“Aye, well, ye look a fair angel yerself. And what are ye, winged creature?”

I turn and curtsy. “A lone goth faery, at your service.”

He smiles appreciatively, wiggling his eyebrows. “Did ye remember your knickers this time, love? Or might I have the pleasure of taking advantage of yer wee skirt?”

With a chuckle, I wag a finger at him. “You’ll have to hold off on your naughtiness until later tonight,” I say as I flash him my boy-short-covered backside, “as I don’t want to scar my godchild with my lack of propriety.”

He takes my hand and walks me to his car. “I rather like yer lack of propriety. That’s one of my favorite things about ye.” He pulls me in for another kiss, his fingers grazing the curve of my jaw as he looks down at me afterwards. “One of many.”

Ella and Ian live on Long Island, so we opted to drive. I whistle when we reach the car. “Wow, again. Are you going to get picked up for grand theft auto before the night’s over?”

He looks down at the cobalt blue 5-series BMW, then back at me. “Aye, well, Stephen said I couldna be picking ye up in the truck, so he lent me this for…well, I have the distinct feeling he wants me to keep it for a bit, as he seemed a bit shocked that ye’d been riding around in such a filthy beast.”

I snort but am not surprised. “Given that Stephen collects cars like some people collect shot glasses, I doubt he’ll miss it.” The car is stunning, and while I prefer a more vintage look, there’s no denying the comfort of its supple leather and heated seats.

“How did you meet Stephen? I keep meaning to ask.”

Fin settles into the driver’s seat. “Och, that’s a story. Ye’ll remember that I came to the States in the beginning of the summer? I wasna here more than a month when one of the barn hands suggested we go out. I think she might have had a bit of a crush on me.”

“Imagine that,” I comment dryly.

He ignores me and continues. “So I met her at a small bar, and before we were an hour in, she was wasted. I dinna know what to do with her, but I couldna very well leave her there.”

“Let me guess: you were at Cavalier?” Stephen’s co-owner of the wildly successful Cavalier, a European-esque bar for locals.

“Aye. And Stephen was there. He thought I needed a bit of ‘tending,’ as he put it.”

I snickered. “I bet he did. I suppose modeling for underwear and volunteering you as a third with me was included in his ‘tending’?”

He glanced over at me and grinned. “Aye, well, I canna argue with the man’s genius. I’d pose half-naked several times over as long as it leads me to you.”

An involuntary smile spreads over my face, and I reach for his hand, squeezing it. The ride to the first party is fairly short, and Fin whistles between his teeth as we pull up to Ella and Ian’s palatial estate.

“Ye dinna tell me we were visiting the wealthy side of the family. Glad Stephen lent me his BMW.” He pulls into the driveway, though other, mostly high-end cars already line the long drive and have pulled onto the yard. We follow suit and head for the house.

“So these are friends of yers, yes?”

I grin. “Don’t sound so nervous. I live with Noah—you’ve met him in passing, I think?”

He shakes his head. “No, he’s never been there when I have.”

I think about it. “You’re right. Well, they’ve been really busy with Elementary,” I say by way of apology. “Anyway, Ella is Noah’s sister, and she and her husband Ian—he’s a corporate lawyer, but he also comes from money—have the baby I showed you pictures of.”

He nods but continues to stare at the house.

Inside the manse, people in costumes mill about, some talking and drinking, others eating, and the general air is festive. Carved pumpkins and antique lanterns fill corners, while twinkle lights and cheerful looking ghouls and ghosts set the scene. There’s barely room to squeeze into the living area, but I can see Ian’s dark head above the crowd, and where he is, I’m bound to find Ella.